GSA is unbearable!
 

I cannot believe what I have become in the last 4 months since meeting my h/b. I have NEVER felt anything like this and I do not wish to ever feel anything like it again. It is pure misery. Who have I become? Since May I have been at the highests of highs and the lowest of lows almost daily. Its something that I have absolutely no control over and it is so frustrating. The high's are so good, and the lows are absolutely miserable x1000. The worst I have ever felt in my entire life.
I still do not know whether my gsa is reciprocated and I really wish I did because I wouldn't feel so alone in it. My mind still goes over every word said, every text, every look and it it exhausting me. I have never been this tired in my life but I can't hardly sleep because the mind never stops!!!!
For anyone coming here to say how "wrong" or "sick" GSA is, you will never know the torture everyone on here is going through. I was completely normal and level headed before the reunion. I wish I would have known this was going to happen because I think I would have avoided the reunion even though I long to have him in my life.
I miss him EVERY single minute, and I don't know why. How do you miss someone so much ALL of the time. He is on my mind the second I wake up until the second I go to bed. My mind is completely consumed and I can't think of anything different. My husband and kids are suffering because of it yet I don't want to tell them whats going on so they just go on wondering what is going on with mom. If I didn't have to, I don't think I would peel myself out of bed in the morning. I haven't been finishing work that I should be done with by now, I haven't been taking care of the house like I should, I feel sick when I eat or I forget to eat. I
I know I should try to keep busy to help keep my mind off of it but how do you keep busy when you feel like doing nothing. I can hardly even fake the smiles anymore. Its to the point where I feel like I have nothing more to lose and I just wanna blurt it out! "I am in love with my brother"! Like I wanna be self destructive. I know I can't do this and it would only make things worse but having all this bottled up inside is unbearable.
To anyone who doesn't know the feeling of having GSA for someone, please do not judge without knowing the torment. Its not like we just decide that we just want to have sex with our family member. Its just the strongest feeling of love that you can have for someone. The need to be close and in contact. Wanting to be important in their life. Its so confusing and it makes you want to be close on levels that are not considered normal. You want to express your feelings only you don't know how. I would hug my brother all day if I could. And I do have the strong desire to have more contact.
What does it feel like?
Like I have a 3000 pound boulder sitting on my chest at all times. Like my insides have been ripped out. Sick to my stomach 24/7. Like I have been awake for weeks and haven't gotten a minute of sleep. Like I am on autopilot all of the time. Like NOTHING else matters. Like the most important person in my life has died. Constant Longing, worry, depression, abandonmant, rejection, anger, self doubt.
It literally makes my body shake, and my heart beat out of my chest when I am going to see him. Its a huge rush and then a even bigger letdown once he leaves.
What is it that I love about him? I can't even say really. It was just instant the moment I seen him. We do have similarities in looks so that may be part of it but his eyes are amazing to me. His voice. His personality.
Anyway, just had to release some feelings and vent. I am so sorry to anyone else going through this as I feel the pain. Will I make it through it? I need to get this under control.
Thanks, Confused

Good Start!
 

Soconfused,
What you just posted above is a good start, by letting out all the bliss & poisons that are within you. IT HAS TO COME OUT!!!! It's the secrecy & the deceit that's compounding the already impossible situation. You need to find someone to speak to about this. Whether you have a (very very very) trusted confidant, your spouse, or someone on this site. You need to relate what you're dealing with, on a one on one basis with someone who will love you thru this. If you relate any at all to me, then I will be happy to be your sounding board, just PM me, & we can begin the process. I know how you feel. As intense & extreme as you're feeling, most of us can tell you, "Yea, me too, that's the way it was with me". Many of us have moved beyond that, & you can/will too. In fact, you'll go nuts if you don't start getting a handle on the severity of your feelings.

One post can not lead you to a better place. In fact, a million post can't lead you to a better place, because YOU must fix YOU. BUT, continued communicatios can strike a chord within you. It may cause you to find enough hope & strength to do the "sane things". It could just catch on MUCH faster than you think.

You are at the bottom of a deep deep pit, right now. SEEK & ACCEPT help that's safe & sensible (that's called your ladder). Then start acting on the help, when you're firmly convinced of the credibility of it (that's YOU, beginning & climbing the steps on the ladder). Eventually, you're out of the hole & on level ground.

I'll betcha that some really good people (Lostsister, myshadow, art4me, & Vin), are willing to come to your aid. We hurt for you, & want to see you get better. When that happens, then YOU will help others who come here, that are like you. IT CAN BE DONE, IT'S BEEN DONE. Best wishes.--cedarforest

Yes it is unbearable, I often felt like it was killing me and I realy just wanted it all to go away. It has been 7 years for me since i met my Son and i would say that my feelings started to die down after three years, i knew that i didn't want to have a romantic relationship with him, for me that would have been soooo wrong but it didn't stop us from doing things that i regretted. Thankfully my Son lives thousands of miles from me so that we don't have contact now, much better for me that way. I just want to say though that even though i lost a lot of my romantic feelings for my Son that i was still very jeleous and that there had been so much damage done in that time, i am only now recovering from all the trauma that our reunion created. Sometimes we don't feel the pain for a while after the event. It's great that you have found this site as i really wish that i had found it sooner to help me with the lonely road that i travelled. I don't think that i fully realized how terrible i was feeling, suicidal at times, put it all to the back of my mind. I am now dealing with it full on, not always easy but i am looking forward to the journey and what it will reveal about me as a person.

soconfused,

Sounds like you are in a tortuous place. And writing and screaming for support to find equilibrium back into your life.

Like Cedar, said, find the latter in the midst of the GSA chaos. Find an anchor to support you until the GSA storm eases up a bit on you. And hold on to what you know is true and unwavering at this time.

What is one simple phrase you can begin to say over and over in your head, when you find yourself lapsing into obsession?

perhaps...

there is a bounty of love in my life and it comes from different sources and people. I open myself up to all the love around me.

I can release the intensity

Surrender and Trust

Breathe, Let Go

I can find balance in my day

Today for at least 1 hour, I am going to focus all my attention on my kids. (Increase the time as it become more and more doable)

Om

or......

For me on someday's, it was a simple mantra, saying over and over again, that got me through.

It is as if your are on a rat wheel, spinning round and round. Find something to make the spinning stop.

Your body, mind and heart can not endure this intensity...

hugs.

Missed Conceptions
 

Many of us who carry the wounds of rejection and the accompanying sundry of self destructive emotions find it diffucult
to identify and ~USE~ real LOVE.

We Humans tend to gravitate towards feelings that are Familiar and when our familiar feelings are of rejection , loss and isolation, GSA suddenly seems so Comfortably Uncomfortable.

The wounded amongst us, reflexively gravitate towards emotional situations that Mirror our inner feelings of inadequacy.

Diving in to relationships that offer us little in the way of "nourishment" becomes a habit.

Opening ourselves to the possibility that we ourselves may have Misunderstood "What is LOVE ?"
suddenly affords us a way out of the painful grip of LOVE gone Wrong.



It takes a lot of courage to accept that we might have it wrong....
and the Biggest obstacle is,
that when we love, we SHINE,
but the wounds of our Unworthiness keep us from shining.
We are afraid..

Afraid to LOVE Proper,

Afraid of our own capacity to GIVE Uplift and inspire,
and why ????

Because at some stage in our lives we Chose to believe that one persons rejection of ~the part we could have played in their lives~ , meant that WE ARE NOT WORTHY

Limiting ourselves to think or believe that there is only ONE source of LOVE for any of us, is a Gross ~Missed Conception~

LoVe is actually all around all of us..
Our friends, family, pets and even total strangers can by chance offer us a Dose of Love Unconditional.

And when we stand at a place where we are stuck, feeling empty and hopeless the best action ,the most healing action we can perform, is to GIVE OUR LOVE to someone who needs it.

This forum is such a place....

soconfused......Is it possible that this unrequited feeling you have for your Brother is not really LOVE in its purest form, but instead is a reflection of neediness coming from deep inside the Core of YOUR own Being?

Could it be that all the energy and focus you are putting onto him would be better placed on YOU ?

Can you allow yourself to even contemplate the possibility that maybe just maybe you are obsessed with wanting what you cant have because in the beginning of your life , a sense of rejection was establised as an emotional pattern that has now risen to the surface like a weed that needs to be pulled ?

Your Husband and Children want and need you...
they are waiting to be showered with your love and affection yet you are stuck on giving what is rightfully theirs to someone who doesnt want or need it !

Forgive me if I sound Brash or too Frank..but I cant bear to see you suffer anymore....
Ive been where you are exactly....
I lived on the edge of wishing for DEATH to end my pain....

One day I realised that the LOVE I was carrying needed to be shared.....
and the person upon whom I had chosen to DUMP it on, didnt want it....

Meanwhile everybody else in my life who had stood by me in hard times, Loved me when I was unlovable, and Supported me without condition , and who deserved my Alliegence was being neglected because I was too blinded to see.

When I learned that the LOVE I was wanting ,
would come ~to~ ME
when I gave to others who were wanting ~from~ me ,
Magic happened.

Suddenly LoVe started to Flow..
and slowly slowly I became filled up to a point where I LoVed enough for it to Flow BACK TO ME.....

soconfused..you deserve to feel the same way I do about myself...

I am wonderful for so long as I am able to offer something to those who want from me...

"If I GIVE for the SAKE of giving..
Love for the sake of LOVING
Nothing
and no one can ever get me Down..."

are you still confused ?

It's so unfair, as if not knowing them for so long wasn't punishment enough, now we all have to suffer the pain of GSA. I am going through it with my father now, 2 years in :0(

Lostsister who helped me find me.

I have read your post at least 10 times, before I can fumble down some words here.

I remember how you wrote a reply to one of my posts, that literally turned on the light to help me see what I was doing to myself and my relations.

It became an inner compass.

And now I read above, what you wrote for soconfused. I have a different perspective. My wings are no longer wet with pinning and needing.

They have dried out, and I can see a view of how I have moved and changed.

The mud of being stuck in my obsession and desires was so hurtful to myself. I kept sinking deeper and deeper waiting for my bfather to 'save me.'

He never could. Not because he didn't try in his own way with his own limitations, but because, he could not pull me out with all the muck that I attached to myself. It weighed heavy on me and all around me.

The muck that I was abandon, I was given up, I was unloved and I am unlovable, the muck that if you truly get to know me you will leave me, the muck that I am a gaping open wound always seeking for the remedy outside of myself. The delusions that I am not pretty enough, smart enough, sexy enough, to make my bfather fill my every need.

I had to sink and sit in the foul of what I created around me. And you as well as others came and said, I can get out, it is up to me.

I stopped reaching my arms up waiting for 'daddy' to carry me out. And put my arms into the dirt, and clawed and scraped myself out of my illusions. I belly crawled, naked leaving behind many discarded garments that no longer served me.

The garment I must feel unconditional love by a parent, was removed.
The garment I must experience every impulse of GSA, because I was denied it young, and it is mine was burned.
The garment I must stay in the muck I created, and other's created around me and it really doesn't get any better, was left behind in the filth of lies.

I bled, crawled, and clawed myself out. Only to be met with such a profound radiant light that washed me clean and dressed me with and abundance of self love.

I know I am different because I now longer crave, need, and depend upon my bfather's every call, message or visit.

I am not stating that the road is smooth now. I still fall face first back into the mud of self loathing, and why me.

But once you turn your face inward, and nurture yourself away from what you crave so much from the other, changes happen.

Your words and wisdom, sister, are like splashing cold water onto a sleeping person. To W A K E them UP.

Sometimes the first reaction is, what just happen, why did she throw water on me?

And then you realize.... it is an act of love...
you have been sleeping far too long...

Amen Sister!

Cedar says, Amen, Lostsister!=-cedarforest

oh what an inspiring message!!there can be light at the end if this tumultuios, twisting and turnin and yearning tunnel. thank you !