[soconfused]

I cannot believe what I have become in the last 4 months since meeting my h/b. I have NEVER felt anything like this and I do not wish to ever feel anything like it again. It is pure misery. Who have I become? Since May I have been at the highests of highs and the lowest of lows almost daily. Its something that I have absolutely no control over and it is so frustrating. The high's are so good, and the lows are absolutely miserable x1000. The worst I have ever felt in my entire life.
I still do not know whether my gsa is reciprocated and I really wish I did because I wouldn't feel so alone in it. My mind still goes over every word said, every text, every look and it it exhausting me. I have never been this tired in my life but I can't hardly sleep because the mind never stops!!!!
For anyone coming here to say how "wrong" or "sick" GSA is, you will never know the torture everyone on here is going through. I was completely normal and level headed before the reunion. I wish I would have known this was going to happen because I think I would have avoided the reunion even though I long to have him in my life.
I miss him EVERY single minute, and I don't know why. How do you miss someone so much ALL of the time. He is on my mind the second I wake up until the second I go to bed. My mind is completely consumed and I can't think of anything different. My husband and kids are suffering because of it yet I don't want to tell them whats going on so they just go on wondering what is going on with mom. If I didn't have to, I don't think I would peel myself out of bed in the morning. I haven't been finishing work that I should be done with by now, I haven't been taking care of the house like I should, I feel sick when I eat or I forget to eat. I
I know I should try to keep busy to help keep my mind off of it but how do you keep busy when you feel like doing nothing. I can hardly even fake the smiles anymore. Its to the point where I feel like I have nothing more to lose and I just wanna blurt it out! "I am in love with my brother"! Like I wanna be self destructive. I know I can't do this and it would only make things worse but having all this bottled up inside is unbearable.
To anyone who doesn't know the feeling of having GSA for someone, please do not judge without knowing the torment. Its not like we just decide that we just want to have sex with our family member. Its just the strongest feeling of love that you can have for someone. The need to be close and in contact. Wanting to be important in their life. Its so confusing and it makes you want to be close on levels that are not considered normal. You want to express your feelings only you don't know how. I would hug my brother all day if I could. And I do have the strong desire to have more contact.
What does it feel like?
Like I have a 3000 pound boulder sitting on my chest at all times. Like my insides have been ripped out. Sick to my stomach 24/7. Like I have been awake for weeks and haven't gotten a minute of sleep. Like I am on autopilot all of the time. Like NOTHING else matters. Like the most important person in my life has died. Constant Longing, worry, depression, abandonmant, rejection, anger, self doubt.
It literally makes my body shake, and my heart beat out of my chest when I am going to see him. Its a huge rush and then a even bigger letdown once he leaves.
What is it that I love about him? I can't even say really. It was just instant the moment I seen him. We do have similarities in looks so that may be part of it but his eyes are amazing to me. His voice. His personality.
Anyway, just had to release some feelings and vent. I am so sorry to anyone else going through this as I feel the pain. Will I make it through it? I need to get this under control.
Thanks, Confused