[cedarforest]

Soconfused,
What you just posted above is a good start, by letting out all the bliss & poisons that are within you. IT HAS TO COME OUT!!!! It's the secrecy & the deceit that's compounding the already impossible situation. You need to find someone to speak to about this. Whether you have a (very very very) trusted confidant, your spouse, or someone on this site. You need to relate what you're dealing with, on a one on one basis with someone who will love you thru this. If you relate any at all to me, then I will be happy to be your sounding board, just PM me, & we can begin the process. I know how you feel. As intense & extreme as you're feeling, most of us can tell you, "Yea, me too, that's the way it was with me". Many of us have moved beyond that, & you can/will too. In fact, you'll go nuts if you don't start getting a handle on the severity of your feelings.

One post can not lead you to a better place. In fact, a million post can't lead you to a better place, because YOU must fix YOU. BUT, continued communicatios can strike a chord within you. It may cause you to find enough hope & strength to do the "sane things". It could just catch on MUCH faster than you think.

You are at the bottom of a deep deep pit, right now. SEEK & ACCEPT help that's safe & sensible (that's called your ladder). Then start acting on the help, when you're firmly convinced of the credibility of it (that's YOU, beginning & climbing the steps on the ladder). Eventually, you're out of the hole & on level ground.

I'll betcha that some really good people (Lostsister, myshadow, art4me, & Vin), are willing to come to your aid. We hurt for you, & want to see you get better. When that happens, then YOU will help others who come here, that are like you. IT CAN BE DONE, IT'S BEEN DONE. Best wishes.--cedarforest