[art4me]

Lostsister who helped me find me.

I have read your post at least 10 times, before I can fumble down some words here.

I remember how you wrote a reply to one of my posts, that literally turned on the light to help me see what I was doing to myself and my relations.

It became an inner compass.

And now I read above, what you wrote for soconfused. I have a different perspective. My wings are no longer wet with pinning and needing.

They have dried out, and I can see a view of how I have moved and changed.

The mud of being stuck in my obsession and desires was so hurtful to myself. I kept sinking deeper and deeper waiting for my bfather to 'save me.'

He never could. Not because he didn't try in his own way with his own limitations, but because, he could not pull me out with all the muck that I attached to myself. It weighed heavy on me and all around me.

The muck that I was abandon, I was given up, I was unloved and I am unlovable, the muck that if you truly get to know me you will leave me, the muck that I am a gaping open wound always seeking for the remedy outside of myself. The delusions that I am not pretty enough, smart enough, sexy enough, to make my bfather fill my every need.

I had to sink and sit in the foul of what I created around me. And you as well as others came and said, I can get out, it is up to me.

I stopped reaching my arms up waiting for 'daddy' to carry me out. And put my arms into the dirt, and clawed and scraped myself out of my illusions. I belly crawled, naked leaving behind many discarded garments that no longer served me.

The garment I must feel unconditional love by a parent, was removed.
The garment I must experience every impulse of GSA, because I was denied it young, and it is mine was burned.
The garment I must stay in the muck I created, and other's created around me and it really doesn't get any better, was left behind in the filth of lies.

I bled, crawled, and clawed myself out. Only to be met with such a profound radiant light that washed me clean and dressed me with and abundance of self love.

I know I am different because I now longer crave, need, and depend upon my bfather's every call, message or visit.

I am not stating that the road is smooth now. I still fall face first back into the mud of self loathing, and why me.

But once you turn your face inward, and nurture yourself away from what you crave so much from the other, changes happen.

Your words and wisdom, sister, are like splashing cold water onto a sleeping person. To W A K E them UP.

Sometimes the first reaction is, what just happen, why did she throw water on me?

And then you realize.... it is an act of love...
you have been sleeping far too long...