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In order to understand some of these relationships, one has to learn about what happens when a child is adopted. My son loves me more than he has ever loved anyone, but he has had shitty relationships for his whole life. He is unable to have a healthy relationship with anyone. I love him very much exactly as he is. I just made a choice to love him from a distance. Isn't that unconditional love? I don't have to change him in order to love him. I just don't love his actions.
As I keep saying, there are many layers within this phenomenon called GSA. Adoption/seaparation created it. My son does not know HOW to love. His lack of bonding created that when we were separated. Read the many books out there on what happens to our babies. Read what happens to our unbonded children. It will make you cry. This is my son. How could I not love this person who says I hate you, don't leave me? It wasn't his fault he was adopted. And who better to teach him about love than his own mother who says Oh honey, I love you more than I love life itself, but I do not like your actions. I do not like how you treat me.
My circumstances haven't turned out bad. They have turned out perfectly. This is the gift of healing. My son now has a choice to make in this. He can go away and be the angry little sod who demanded of me and gave nothing much back. But now he knows I will not tolerate being treated that way. He can keep away and make choices in his own growth and healing now. If he wants to. If he doesn't want to, then I will continue to love him, exactly as he is, but I will love him from where I am. If he truly wants to offer me love, then he learns how to offer it. When he heals that angry and hurt place inside himself, is when I know he has done the work to heal. Had I continued in that kind of relationship with him, what would he have learned about love? That it's okay to treat someone badly? Because that is how he has treated everyone up until now.
When he and I are together, he melts. He just turns into someone who is soft, gentle, lovely and relaxed. Those hormones we have churning through our system are the ones that enable the healing. It changes him. Thats' what he comes back to me for. It took me years to understand that. But I enabled his crappy behaviour by letting him call the shots. (a mothers guilt will do that ya know?). It wasn't until I realised I had to change in order to offer him the opportunity to change.
Love is kind. Love is gentle. Love should not be long suffering because love isn't about suffering. And for any love to work, we must put the love we have for ourselves ahead of anybody else's interests or we become doormats, we allow ourselves to be used and abused. Self love is where the healing is. Once we reach that place, we can then love others in a very healthy way. Thats kind of where I used to be - putting others interests ahead of my own. Part of my healing was this very thing.
It is the physical part of GSA that does the true healing. The touch, the smells, the entire physical part of GSA is what heals. That is why we have it. We don't have it to live the rest of our lives in abject misery fighting it off and fighting against it - though most do.
And I think you misread me when you tell me I am so high on others experiencing crossing the line. That is a personal choice for an individual to make for themselves. If that is where they need to be then that is what is best for them but I'm not going to tell anybody it's a bad thing. My experience of GSA has been one of learning about love. And that's a damned fine thing!
With love and respect
Roe
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