A love I've never known, yet always felt. - Page 2

MamaR · 06-09-2006, 05:33 PM

I didn't say it was easy, but it is not as hard if you allow it. We human beings tend to hold on to the stuff that feels good, even if it is subconciously.

What I did do was use some common sense. I concentrated on my child, I found outlets for my energy, got back into my art and needlework, never referred to my brother as anything BUT my brother, even to myself, and applied myself to the relationships I had. I did all the things I enjoyed doing before and realized that I was the same person that loved to ride through the mountains, go swimming and singing in the choir.

I had no references to guide me, so I just did what I thought made sense. I accepted that it was somehow related to the fact that we never even met until we were adults, I imagined growing up with him and realized that I would be horrified at the idea of a sexual relationship with him in those circumstances and I gave myself some good mental shakings.

Oh, it would have made a good drama to think of myself as carrying a flame of forbidden love in my broken heart for the rest of my life, but I am not into pain. He removed himself and that was for the best because I had the freedom to heal. A little distance for a while isn't a bad idea.

I can't say this enough..though...you have to be really WILLING to let go of the feelings...to find other outlets for your emotional energy and to let the fact that the relationship needs to be that of a sibling be OK with you both conciously and emotionally. If you are honest, you can see that the big task is to be willing to get past it and lose that "swept away" emotional intensity. Time took care of the rest of it for me.

MamaR · 06-09-2006, 08:11 PM

OK..I re-read your original post and I see that you are the one that was adopted. I think that adoption issues, the grief and anger and ambiguity need to be worked through in order to deal with vanquishing the GSA. Have you thought of joining an adoptee support group?

LovingBro · 06-09-2006, 08:29 PM

How do I do that?

MamaR · 06-10-2006, 09:27 AM

Bro, I would suggest going to the msn groups site and looking up the "Adoptese" group. It is run by an adopted person, Joe Soll, and he leads online chats about adoption issues. He also has a list of face-to-face groups in different areas of the country. There also is a private adoptee group, "Adoptees Only" on msn groups that is safer from prying public eyes.

Have you read any adoption reunion literature? There are some good books out now and there is also Nancy Verrier's "The Primal Wound," which explains a lot of the issues of the adopted person. Have you read Barb's book? There's a lot of helpful wisdom there...actually the most in-depth publication to date to deal with GSA.

I have had to deal with my grief as a mother of adoption loss and have found these online groups and these books to be invaluable. Another good book, to help you really understand the origins of the surrender to adoption of so many is Ann Fessler's "The Girls Who Went Away."

In any event, you have to be willing to do some hard work, but it is worth it.

diamondbabysis · 06-10-2006, 10:29 PM

We are currently trying to work out the bro/sis thing after very very closely crossing the line. We have caused so much pain to our spouses who do not understand what we are feeling & this has cost me much. But my family is standing by me & trying to support me. So I have a strong support system. I keep researching but i haven't really found anyone who can tell me about how to get back to just being bro/sis. He & I both have a hard time letting go of the "special feelings" we have for each other. If we don't talk or hear from each other, we both get crazy. My husband knows when he calls or if he doesn't by the way my mood swings, so I know about how the addiction thing feels. I am in counseling and one thing I have been able to understand is that we don't control the chemical changes that go on when we meet that special person who triggers all those feelings, but WE CAN CONTROL how we react to that person & the feelings that we experience. That is where we all have the choice to act on them or not. It feels so right & nothing else will satisfy us except those emotions just like a drug. But just like the addict, I have to work on wanting to let go of those feelings & justifying why i should not act on them when everything in my mind & body is wanting to. I know for me i seem to be stuck in this area. I don't want to let go & neither does he. Even though I know & he knows, that if we walked away from everything & everyone in our lives to be together, that maybe for a while we could make each other happy, but after a while we would miss the family that could/would not understand. For the 2 other family members that know what happened, they state they will support us no matter what road we would take, but they know it would be a mistake to walk away from the lives we have now. so i just try to take it one day at a time. We talk as often as we can & try to remind each other that this love is so special it will never die. I know that over time it will change, just like any relationship. ?less intense? More intense? these are questions I can't answer. What is the purpose of all these emotions if you can't be together? Why do they happen and most of all why did it affect us? There are 12 of us & thank goodness I haven't had another experience like this. this is just scary. But hang in there. I have to keep reminding myself what i stand to lose if i acted on these feelings. maybe that will help you....

BarbGonyo · 06-11-2006, 10:28 AM

It sounds as though you are heading in the right direction. I know it seems like their is no solution.

Time is a great healer. You are fortunate to have people who are trying to understand what is happening. You are right when you say, we have no control over what we feel, but we do have control over what we do.

I just wanted to say I hope it all works out well for all of you. It ia a long hard road no matter which curve you follow. But as I said a couple of days ago to someone, It is never wrong to do the right thing.

Barb G

hopeful · 06-12-2006, 06:06 PM

Hi.

I know exactly where you two are at. I've been there. Go back and search what I've written under my user name. At the time I wrote it I was convinced that everything would stay the same between my brother and I but I was wrong. Nothing in life stays the same, life is not that way and that is okay. What may become disappointing to you both is that 'no one person can fill the void due to the dysfunctional early part of our lives. It's not fair to the other person or yourself to hope for that. It has taken me two years to learn it. My brother and I did have the intimacy that you crave, both sexually and emotionally, at least for a little while. Our addiction to each other sexually and emotionally almost ruined our marriages, but God was so good to us. I have a wonderful partner, we've been married 17 years. He knew that meeting a new sib. blew me out of the water, and what I was going through was hard (he doesn't know that we had a sexual relationship). He was patient with me. He and I are suited to each other in the way we think and believe. As much as I would have liked to believe my brother and I were each others soul mates, it isn't true. As time has passed the differences are seen for what they are. Do you remember a relationship where the excitement was hot and heavy but once you got past that part the 'daily life issues' crept in and you found out the things you liked and disliked about the other person? Well it MAY be that this will be similar. There are those relationships which work between sibs, but it takes two very comitted people to pull it off and you really have to be of like minds as well. I know right now you believe you are like minded. It would be so great if it were possible to stand back from the emotional part of this and take a look at your sister as just a woman. If she weren't your sister (along with the 'magical way you feel about each other right now') and you met her would she be the type of woman you'd be interested in? Would you risk your 'NOW' life to date her? It is really difficult to detach yourself from the 'feelings' you both have now to be that objective.

I know now that if I had post poned my visit with my brother I would have still wanted him sexually because that is part of the GSA. Sexual attraction and arousal is the same whether it is between sibs or someone else. Once bitten you want the sex. National Geographic has a really great article in the February 2006 edition called, Love the chemical reaction. It does a great job of explaining how the chemical reaction works in a 'love relationship'. If I understand the article correctly the sexual arousal is probably stronger between we sibs than normal because we are related! That's where the 'GOTCHA' comes from with GSA because you go along just pleased as punch to have a puzzle piece of your life explained and 'Whammy' your hit by a bolt of lightening called GSA!!! Lifes not fair. I still love my brother, but feel a real let down/disappointment with our relationship. Not because we had the sex but because I had wanted it all with our relationship, "the soul mate and the great sex" but didn't get it. Although we will probably always still feel pulled toward each other sexually due to the chemical aspect of GSA I doubt that we will ever be together again. GSA is like a lot of things in life that those who have gone before can warn you about, but in ALL likely hood you will continue along the path of least resistance. Believe me, I do not make judgements in this. Everyone who has experienced this knows how difficult and painful it is, just look at some of the other postings. None of us want to believe that our relationship will go the way so many of these postings warn about, but the fact is that the majority of them do. I wish you and your sister the best and may God guide you.
I am saying a prayer for you both as I write this. Nothing about GSA is easy.

LovingBro · 06-12-2006, 08:28 PM

I can see where that might be an awful situation. But, I think from our past conversations, neither of us is vengeful, which helps, and we are both very considerate of each other.

That may be all part of the "courtship" stage; I know that I have been in relationships where things just seemed to get bitter at the end.

I hope that anyone that experiences these feelings can still maintain sanity, serenity and love even when the seas of life become turbulent.

LovingBro · 06-12-2006, 08:29 PM

You said "If she weren't your sister (along with the 'magical way you feel about each other right now') and you met her would she be the type of woman you'd be interested in? Would you risk your 'NOW' life to date her?"

I can honestly answer YES.

luvsbubby · 06-15-2006, 09:42 AM

I just wanted to pop in and put my two cents in here...my hb and I have been 2gether for 7 years now..happier than ever..havent lost our family over it, a few friends have dropped off but that was only like 2 ppl anyway...we are very happy..we have accomplished more than we had in previous relationships...this is a love like no other,, and it never goes away..we also go to church ( a very big one) and pray together every night..I hope that you work this out but I felt like warning you that this love will never go away
luvbubby

06-10-2006, 10:29 PM	#15
diamondbabysis Junior Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Posts: 20	it is like an addiction We are currently trying to work out the bro/sis thing after very very closely crossing the line. We have caused so much pain to our spouses who do not understand what we are feeling & this has cost me much. But my family is standing by me & trying to support me. So I have a strong support system. I keep researching but i haven't really found anyone who can tell me about how to get back to just being bro/sis. He & I both have a hard time letting go of the "special feelings" we have for each other. If we don't talk or hear from each other, we both get crazy. My husband knows when he calls or if he doesn't by the way my mood swings, so I know about how the addiction thing feels. I am in counseling and one thing I have been able to understand is that we don't control the chemical changes that go on when we meet that special person who triggers all those feelings, but WE CAN CONTROL how we react to that person & the feelings that we experience. That is where we all have the choice to act on them or not. It feels so right & nothing else will satisfy us except those emotions just like a drug. But just like the addict, I have to work on wanting to let go of those feelings & justifying why i should not act on them when everything in my mind & body is wanting to. I know for me i seem to be stuck in this area. I don't want to let go & neither does he. Even though I know & he knows, that if we walked away from everything & everyone in our lives to be together, that maybe for a while we could make each other happy, but after a while we would miss the family that could/would not understand. For the 2 other family members that know what happened, they state they will support us no matter what road we would take, but they know it would be a mistake to walk away from the lives we have now. so i just try to take it one day at a time. We talk as often as we can & try to remind each other that this love is so special it will never die. I know that over time it will change, just like any relationship. ?less intense? More intense? these are questions I can't answer. What is the purpose of all these emotions if you can't be together? Why do they happen and most of all why did it affect us? There are 12 of us & thank goodness I haven't had another experience like this. this is just scary. But hang in there. I have to keep reminding myself what i stand to lose if i acted on these feelings. maybe that will help you....

06-11-2006, 10:28 AM	#16
BarbGonyo Administrator Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 291	diamondbabysis It sounds as though you are heading in the right direction. I know it seems like their is no solution. Time is a great healer. You are fortunate to have people who are trying to understand what is happening. You are right when you say, we have no control over what we feel, but we do have control over what we do. I just wanted to say I hope it all works out well for all of you. It ia a long hard road no matter which curve you follow. But as I said a couple of days ago to someone, It is never wrong to do the right thing. Barb G __________________ Barbara is the author of "I'm His Mother,but He's Not My Son" (formerly titled "The Forbidden Love, GSA". In the paper back edition of Forbidden Love, there are a total of 20 books left in that form. "The Forbidden Love Genetic Sexual Attraction is $15.00 plus postage and handling. Postage varies in places. In the U.S. postage comes to $2.31 Austrailia Fast Slower $8.40 one week $4.05- 4 weeks New I'm His Mother, but, He's Not My Son" will now be available electronically for your convience. The price is $15.00 check made out to Barbara Gonyo 906 Ioka Mt. Prospect, IL 60056 Upon receiving the order you will be given instructions on how to obtain the book. I hope this will be helpful to all of you who were having trouble getting the book. Barb Gonyo

06-12-2006, 06:06 PM	#17
hopeful Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: USA Posts: 6	Loving Brother Hi. I know exactly where you two are at. I've been there. Go back and search what I've written under my user name. At the time I wrote it I was convinced that everything would stay the same between my brother and I but I was wrong. Nothing in life stays the same, life is not that way and that is okay. What may become disappointing to you both is that 'no one person can fill the void due to the dysfunctional early part of our lives. It's not fair to the other person or yourself to hope for that. It has taken me two years to learn it. My brother and I did have the intimacy that you crave, both sexually and emotionally, at least for a little while. Our addiction to each other sexually and emotionally almost ruined our marriages, but God was so good to us. I have a wonderful partner, we've been married 17 years. He knew that meeting a new sib. blew me out of the water, and what I was going through was hard (he doesn't know that we had a sexual relationship). He was patient with me. He and I are suited to each other in the way we think and believe. As much as I would have liked to believe my brother and I were each others soul mates, it isn't true. As time has passed the differences are seen for what they are. Do you remember a relationship where the excitement was hot and heavy but once you got past that part the 'daily life issues' crept in and you found out the things you liked and disliked about the other person? Well it MAY be that this will be similar. There are those relationships which work between sibs, but it takes two very comitted people to pull it off and you really have to be of like minds as well. I know right now you believe you are like minded. It would be so great if it were possible to stand back from the emotional part of this and take a look at your sister as just a woman. If she weren't your sister (along with the 'magical way you feel about each other right now') and you met her would she be the type of woman you'd be interested in? Would you risk your 'NOW' life to date her? It is really difficult to detach yourself from the 'feelings' you both have now to be that objective. I know now that if I had post poned my visit with my brother I would have still wanted him sexually because that is part of the GSA. Sexual attraction and arousal is the same whether it is between sibs or someone else. Once bitten you want the sex. National Geographic has a really great article in the February 2006 edition called, Love the chemical reaction. It does a great job of explaining how the chemical reaction works in a 'love relationship'. If I understand the article correctly the sexual arousal is probably stronger between we sibs than normal because we are related! That's where the 'GOTCHA' comes from with GSA because you go along just pleased as punch to have a puzzle piece of your life explained and 'Whammy' your hit by a bolt of lightening called GSA!!! Lifes not fair. I still love my brother, but feel a real let down/disappointment with our relationship. Not because we had the sex but because I had wanted it all with our relationship, "the soul mate and the great sex" but didn't get it. Although we will probably always still feel pulled toward each other sexually due to the chemical aspect of GSA I doubt that we will ever be together again. GSA is like a lot of things in life that those who have gone before can warn you about, but in ALL likely hood you will continue along the path of least resistance. Believe me, I do not make judgements in this. Everyone who has experienced this knows how difficult and painful it is, just look at some of the other postings. None of us want to believe that our relationship will go the way so many of these postings warn about, but the fact is that the majority of them do. I wish you and your sister the best and may God guide you. I am saying a prayer for you both as I write this. Nothing about GSA is easy.

06-12-2006, 08:29 PM	#19
LovingBro Junior Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: LSW Heart Posts: 15	To Hopeful You said "If she weren't your sister (along with the 'magical way you feel about each other right now') and you met her would she be the type of woman you'd be interested in? Would you risk your 'NOW' life to date her?" I can honestly answer YES.

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06-09-2006, 05:33 PM	#11
MamaR Member Join Date: May 2006 Posts: 55	I didn't say it was easy, but it is not as hard if you allow it. We human beings tend to hold on to the stuff that feels good, even if it is subconciously. What I did do was use some common sense. I concentrated on my child, I found outlets for my energy, got back into my art and needlework, never referred to my brother as anything BUT my brother, even to myself, and applied myself to the relationships I had. I did all the things I enjoyed doing before and realized that I was the same person that loved to ride through the mountains, go swimming and singing in the choir. I had no references to guide me, so I just did what I thought made sense. I accepted that it was somehow related to the fact that we never even met until we were adults, I imagined growing up with him and realized that I would be horrified at the idea of a sexual relationship with him in those circumstances and I gave myself some good mental shakings. Oh, it would have made a good drama to think of myself as carrying a flame of forbidden love in my broken heart for the rest of my life, but I am not into pain. He removed himself and that was for the best because I had the freedom to heal. A little distance for a while isn't a bad idea. I can't say this enough..though...you have to be really WILLING to let go of the feelings...to find other outlets for your emotional energy and to let the fact that the relationship needs to be that of a sibling be OK with you both conciously and emotionally. If you are honest, you can see that the big task is to be willing to get past it and lose that "swept away" emotional intensity. Time took care of the rest of it for me.

06-09-2006, 08:11 PM	#12
MamaR Member Join Date: May 2006 Posts: 55	OK..I re-read your original post and I see that you are the one that was adopted. I think that adoption issues, the grief and anger and ambiguity need to be worked through in order to deal with vanquishing the GSA. Have you thought of joining an adoptee support group?

06-09-2006, 08:29 PM	#13
LovingBro Junior Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: LSW Heart Posts: 15	How do I do that?

06-10-2006, 09:27 AM	#14
MamaR Member Join Date: May 2006 Posts: 55	Bro, I would suggest going to the msn groups site and looking up the "Adoptese" group. It is run by an adopted person, Joe Soll, and he leads online chats about adoption issues. He also has a list of face-to-face groups in different areas of the country. There also is a private adoptee group, "Adoptees Only" on msn groups that is safer from prying public eyes. Have you read any adoption reunion literature? There are some good books out now and there is also Nancy Verrier's "The Primal Wound," which explains a lot of the issues of the adopted person. Have you read Barb's book? There's a lot of helpful wisdom there...actually the most in-depth publication to date to deal with GSA. I have had to deal with my grief as a mother of adoption loss and have found these online groups and these books to be invaluable. Another good book, to help you really understand the origins of the surrender to adoption of so many is Ann Fessler's "The Girls Who Went Away." In any event, you have to be willing to do some hard work, but it is worth it.

06-12-2006, 08:28 PM	#18
LovingBro Junior Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: LSW Heart Posts: 15	I can see where that might be an awful situation. But, I think from our past conversations, neither of us is vengeful, which helps, and we are both very considerate of each other. That may be all part of the "courtship" stage; I know that I have been in relationships where things just seemed to get bitter at the end. I hope that anyone that experiences these feelings can still maintain sanity, serenity and love even when the seas of life become turbulent.

06-15-2006, 09:42 AM	#20
luvsbubby Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: ohio Posts: 89	I just wanted to pop in and put my two cents in here...my hb and I have been 2gether for 7 years now..happier than ever..havent lost our family over it, a few friends have dropped off but that was only like 2 ppl anyway...we are very happy..we have accomplished more than we had in previous relationships...this is a love like no other,, and it never goes away..we also go to church ( a very big one) and pray together every night..I hope that you work this out but I felt like warning you that this love will never go away luvbubby