do I belong here? - Page 2

jen · 04-05-2008, 12:09 AM

Its the lies and deceit that is the difficult part of me also, at the beginning things were so intense I kind of opted out of my real life and threw myself wholeheartedly into getting to know this stranger who was my father. It was easy because I believed I had a totally legitimate reason for this reaction. My behavior was very rarely challenged, and if it was I had no difficulty justifying it to myself or anyone else. It seemed like there was no one else in the world and when we were able to spend time together it felt so right and so natural that there was no guilt or regret. But you can only opt out for so long - sooner or later you have to come back to reality and get on with real life. When I had to start engaging with my husband and the rest of my family and friends, it suddenly dawned on me if I wanted to continue this relationship I would have to be underhand and dishonest. Even then it didn't feel like I was doing anything wrong, i'm entitled to have a relationship with him. But the longer it goes on and the more lies you have to tell the harder it gets. I don't want to cheapen the relationship I have with my father and I want to do justice to the relationship I have with my husband.
The scary thing is just when you think you have things sorted and achieved some sort of balance, something happens or something is said that throws it all off kilter again. Believe it or not at the beginning of the week I thought I had everything sorted and under control. What a difference a few days can make.

Zenith · 04-05-2008, 04:22 AM

Crisis mode. Deleting all entries for fear of getting caught

whattodo · 04-05-2008, 07:24 AM

Jen and Zenith your emotions mirror mine. The reason I was able to spend more time with my new partner is because I am on the road, working away from home, and he lives near here. What better way to escape reality? I have only a phone connection with my husband but I go home regularly too. I felt like I hit rock bottom the other night, the day after I'd spent all night with my lover. I was on such a high and out of reality, that I missed the ground and my "normal" life. Even though these feeling are beyond my wildest dreams, I suspect and fear that in the long term they will hurt as intensely as they feel good right now. I am just starting on a career path, my husband and I haven't been married that long, and we want to have kids in a couple years. If everything I valued before GSA is to remain in my life I need to get back to reality. The power of the relationship is so intoxicating, at times I don't trust it, or myself in it. At other times it feels so natural and good (as you said) that we cannot abandon it. If you two don't mind my asking, how long have you been involved with your GSA partners? I am thinking so hard about this so early on in our relationship because I know reality is going to hit me soon, or perhaps it already is.

jen · 04-05-2008, 07:38 AM

we have been together for 11 months - it doesn't feel that long but at the same time I cannot remember what life was like before him.

Zenith · 04-05-2008, 02:08 PM

Crisis mode. deleting all entries for fear of getting caught

oneeye · 04-05-2008, 06:42 PM

Hi ya
I hope you don’t mind me posting in on your thread, but I do have a couple of questions. First let me say I don’t have any GSA feelings I am just an outsider trying to get to grips with, and understand the GSA phenomena and the difference between GSA and an attraction to another partner.

Is GSA a ‘curse’ or a ‘blessing’

I do think some of our ‘incest’ laws are old fashioned and I quite understand two adults wanting to get together, this I don’t have any problem with, but from what I have read on this board there are also a lot of people who are part of a stable, happy(ish) family with children involved who could well risk everything for themselves and their families because of the GSA phenomenon.

I do believe in the importance of families, and I also believe that there are times when it is best to leave a relationship and move on but here in the UK it is now too easy to give up on a family and move out which can have a devastating effect on those left behind. I grew up without a father my mother could not afford to keep me and my childhood was spent in a boarding school..

So my next question is. Is a GSA relationship worth giving up a family for? and does it not give an opportunity for the whole painful cycle to start again when a few years have passed and the children are grown up and come looking for the ‘absent parent’

PS I know you have been blasted in the last week or two by idiots, I am not one of these and do have a genuine interest and a different perspective and want to understand which in the long run makes me a better person, one thing I do understand is how difficult it is for most posters on here so if anyone wants me to butt out just say so

whattodo · 04-05-2008, 06:52 PM

your question is the same one I'm trying to answer. Before this began I would say there is no way I'd leave my husband for another. I thought my husband and I are 100% compatible and very stable. Then I met my cousin and all the emotions I felt for my husband were pale in comparison. It's very hard to explain. Perhaps it is no different than any other affair, and the person you are not married to seems idealized. But I personally think it's more than that. The connection shared with a GSA partner is one that cannot be found with another lover and feels so strong that it is irresistable, even to those who thought they could easily resist temptation. That said the reason I want to sort through this is because I do not want to bring kids into a marriage that could end in disaster now that I have GSA in my life. Just my two cents. I'm so new at this I feel I can't really coment but I did anyway.

jen · 04-05-2008, 10:25 PM

In reply to oneeyes post.

Firstly may I say thank you for being interested enough to ask the questions in the first place. It makes such a difference for someone to make an effort to understand the truths of GSA rather than simply jumping on the bandwagon and condemning us all as perverts or deviants. Secondly, I only offer you my personal opinions. Someone else said it, and its very true, although there are similarities....parallels ..... every case of GSA is unique to the individual who experiences it.

When you ask if GSA is a blessing or a curse, in my mind its neither..... its the repercussion of events or decisions most of us had little or no control over, its a fact that we are left to deal with.......Thats not to say we don't have a choice of how to react to these feelings, we just don't have the option of feeling them or not...... seeing it in terms of good or bad, depends upon whether we are in control of the GSA feelings or they are in control of us....... Its not that there is a right or wrong answer, its whether first of all, we are allowed to take the decision ourselves as opposed to it having it made for us and secondly whether or not we can live with our decision once it has been made...... irrespective of what the actual decision is.

Whether the GSA relationship is worth giving everyone and everything else up for is usually what it comes down to. Its a totally different, indeed harmless but rare situation when there is no one else involved. The only saving grace for some of us is, if we decide its not worth the loss, there is the other dimension of the relationship to either establish or develop. Both offer their individual rewards, but only if the two parties are in agreement. Unfortunately for some, they have to give up or lose someone.

Reading this back, I can imagine how this may sound melodramatic - but the pull of GSA is something almost impossible to describe. Initially it is confusing and bewildering but at the very same time it feels so natural, so deserved and so very very strong. How can something which on the face of it seems so wrong feel so right - be so comforting. Its like coming home, its safe, its familiar, but also exhilarating and intoxicating.

While it bears some similarity to a conventional affair, in so far that it requires a certain degree of dishonesty and deceit to allow it to continue, it is not the same. For example, many confront their feelings and admit them to their spouse, a substantial amount of which continue to support the relationship, albeit on the condition that the feelings will not be acted upon. The question isn't should a relationship with the person exist - the question is what should the relationship consist off.

On meeting your GSA partner, a wide range of powerful emotions are experienced. You are confronted by someone you hardly know - for all intents and purposes a stranger - but at the same time there is an almost immediate connection. There is an attachment, a fascination and such a need to bond. The desire for tangible evidence of this bond can be overwhelming - yet discussing it or even admitting it is taboo...... Knowing how to behave around and interact with this person is a mine-field, so you rely on instinct and intuition, but even they give out conflicting messages. It is almost impossible to reconcile, even identify the assortment of desires occurring in your mind simultaneously...................and so it goes on until you make the decision you can live with. Is becoming intimate a mistake for some - yes definitely , but for others it is the only way forward. There is no text book solution for dealing with GSA, everyone involved has to find their own way.

I can understand why some people not affected by GSA cannot get their heads around it. We are related...... so therefore it must wrong, be disgusting, be gross. But when is anything ever black and white. While biologically we are related, no one is arguing that..... we have nothing to base it on. There are little or no memories of one another.....no childhood secrets...... instinctively there is nothing to tell us these longings are inappropriate. Turning it on its head, its like you wake up one morning and are introduced to this stranger, and told..... this is your wife/husband/mother (or any other family member).....now go and live with them. You have nothing to go on except someone telling you this is the way it is - and you are sent away to deal with it.

Again thanks for showing an interest, its great to be able to talk about our feelings without having to justify them.

Cheers Jen

Zenith · 04-06-2008, 04:49 AM

I am in crisis and I fear I will get caught. I am deleting my entries because I am afraid husband will read info on this site and realize Zenith is really me. I am sorry to end my participation to this thread. I will continue to read your posts. Knowing I am not alone helps. You can PM me if you would like to talk that way.

Victor · 04-06-2008, 11:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zenith

I am in crisis and I fear I will get caught. I am deleting my entries because I am afraid husband will read info on this site and realize Zenith is really me. I am sorry to end my participation to this thread. I will continue to read your posts. Knowing I am not alone helps. You can PM me if you would like to talk that way.

You can PM if you need some guidance, hon.

04-05-2008, 04:22 AM	#12
Zenith Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Canada Posts: 41	Crisis mode. Deleting all entries for fear of getting caught Last edited by Zenith : 04-06-2008 at 06:11 AM.

04-05-2008, 02:08 PM	#15
Zenith Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Canada Posts: 41	Crisis mode. deleting all entries for fear of getting caught Last edited by Zenith : 04-06-2008 at 06:10 AM.

04-05-2008, 10:25 PM	#18
jen Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Born in the US, currently residing in Nottingham Posts: 92	In reply to oneeyes post. Firstly may I say thank you for being interested enough to ask the questions in the first place. It makes such a difference for someone to make an effort to understand the truths of GSA rather than simply jumping on the bandwagon and condemning us all as perverts or deviants. Secondly, I only offer you my personal opinions. Someone else said it, and its very true, although there are similarities....parallels ..... every case of GSA is unique to the individual who experiences it. When you ask if GSA is a blessing or a curse, in my mind its neither..... its the repercussion of events or decisions most of us had little or no control over, its a fact that we are left to deal with.......Thats not to say we don't have a choice of how to react to these feelings, we just don't have the option of feeling them or not...... seeing it in terms of good or bad, depends upon whether we are in control of the GSA feelings or they are in control of us....... Its not that there is a right or wrong answer, its whether first of all, we are allowed to take the decision ourselves as opposed to it having it made for us and secondly whether or not we can live with our decision once it has been made...... irrespective of what the actual decision is. Whether the GSA relationship is worth giving everyone and everything else up for is usually what it comes down to. Its a totally different, indeed harmless but rare situation when there is no one else involved. The only saving grace for some of us is, if we decide its not worth the loss, there is the other dimension of the relationship to either establish or develop. Both offer their individual rewards, but only if the two parties are in agreement. Unfortunately for some, they have to give up or lose someone. Reading this back, I can imagine how this may sound melodramatic - but the pull of GSA is something almost impossible to describe. Initially it is confusing and bewildering but at the very same time it feels so natural, so deserved and so very very strong. How can something which on the face of it seems so wrong feel so right - be so comforting. Its like coming home, its safe, its familiar, but also exhilarating and intoxicating. While it bears some similarity to a conventional affair, in so far that it requires a certain degree of dishonesty and deceit to allow it to continue, it is not the same. For example, many confront their feelings and admit them to their spouse, a substantial amount of which continue to support the relationship, albeit on the condition that the feelings will not be acted upon. The question isn't should a relationship with the person exist - the question is what should the relationship consist off. On meeting your GSA partner, a wide range of powerful emotions are experienced. You are confronted by someone you hardly know - for all intents and purposes a stranger - but at the same time there is an almost immediate connection. There is an attachment, a fascination and such a need to bond. The desire for tangible evidence of this bond can be overwhelming - yet discussing it or even admitting it is taboo...... Knowing how to behave around and interact with this person is a mine-field, so you rely on instinct and intuition, but even they give out conflicting messages. It is almost impossible to reconcile, even identify the assortment of desires occurring in your mind simultaneously...................and so it goes on until you make the decision you can live with. Is becoming intimate a mistake for some - yes definitely , but for others it is the only way forward. There is no text book solution for dealing with GSA, everyone involved has to find their own way. I can understand why some people not affected by GSA cannot get their heads around it. We are related...... so therefore it must wrong, be disgusting, be gross. But when is anything ever black and white. While biologically we are related, no one is arguing that..... we have nothing to base it on. There are little or no memories of one another.....no childhood secrets...... instinctively there is nothing to tell us these longings are inappropriate. Turning it on its head, its like you wake up one morning and are introduced to this stranger, and told..... this is your wife/husband/mother (or any other family member).....now go and live with them. You have nothing to go on except someone telling you this is the way it is - and you are sent away to deal with it. Again thanks for showing an interest, its great to be able to talk about our feelings without having to justify them. Cheers Jen Last edited by jen : 04-07-2008 at 06:31 AM.

04-06-2008, 04:49 AM	#19
Zenith Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Canada Posts: 41	I am in crisis and I fear I will get caught. I am deleting my entries because I am afraid husband will read info on this site and realize Zenith is really me. I am sorry to end my participation to this thread. I will continue to read your posts. Knowing I am not alone helps. You can PM me if you would like to talk that way. Last edited by Zenith : 04-06-2008 at 06:14 AM.

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04-05-2008, 12:09 AM	#11
jen Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Born in the US, currently residing in Nottingham Posts: 92	Its the lies and deceit that is the difficult part of me also, at the beginning things were so intense I kind of opted out of my real life and threw myself wholeheartedly into getting to know this stranger who was my father. It was easy because I believed I had a totally legitimate reason for this reaction. My behavior was very rarely challenged, and if it was I had no difficulty justifying it to myself or anyone else. It seemed like there was no one else in the world and when we were able to spend time together it felt so right and so natural that there was no guilt or regret. But you can only opt out for so long - sooner or later you have to come back to reality and get on with real life. When I had to start engaging with my husband and the rest of my family and friends, it suddenly dawned on me if I wanted to continue this relationship I would have to be underhand and dishonest. Even then it didn't feel like I was doing anything wrong, i'm entitled to have a relationship with him. But the longer it goes on and the more lies you have to tell the harder it gets. I don't want to cheapen the relationship I have with my father and I want to do justice to the relationship I have with my husband. The scary thing is just when you think you have things sorted and achieved some sort of balance, something happens or something is said that throws it all off kilter again. Believe it or not at the beginning of the week I thought I had everything sorted and under control. What a difference a few days can make.

04-05-2008, 07:24 AM	#13
whattodo Junior Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Posts: 17	Jen and Zenith your emotions mirror mine. The reason I was able to spend more time with my new partner is because I am on the road, working away from home, and he lives near here. What better way to escape reality? I have only a phone connection with my husband but I go home regularly too. I felt like I hit rock bottom the other night, the day after I'd spent all night with my lover. I was on such a high and out of reality, that I missed the ground and my "normal" life. Even though these feeling are beyond my wildest dreams, I suspect and fear that in the long term they will hurt as intensely as they feel good right now. I am just starting on a career path, my husband and I haven't been married that long, and we want to have kids in a couple years. If everything I valued before GSA is to remain in my life I need to get back to reality. The power of the relationship is so intoxicating, at times I don't trust it, or myself in it. At other times it feels so natural and good (as you said) that we cannot abandon it. If you two don't mind my asking, how long have you been involved with your GSA partners? I am thinking so hard about this so early on in our relationship because I know reality is going to hit me soon, or perhaps it already is.

04-05-2008, 07:38 AM	#14
jen Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Born in the US, currently residing in Nottingham Posts: 92	we have been together for 11 months - it doesn't feel that long but at the same time I cannot remember what life was like before him.

04-05-2008, 06:42 PM	#16
oneeye Junior Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: UK Posts: 10	Hi ya I hope you don’t mind me posting in on your thread, but I do have a couple of questions. First let me say I don’t have any GSA feelings I am just an outsider trying to get to grips with, and understand the GSA phenomena and the difference between GSA and an attraction to another partner. Is GSA a ‘curse’ or a ‘blessing’ I do think some of our ‘incest’ laws are old fashioned and I quite understand two adults wanting to get together, this I don’t have any problem with, but from what I have read on this board there are also a lot of people who are part of a stable, happy(ish) family with children involved who could well risk everything for themselves and their families because of the GSA phenomenon. I do believe in the importance of families, and I also believe that there are times when it is best to leave a relationship and move on but here in the UK it is now too easy to give up on a family and move out which can have a devastating effect on those left behind. I grew up without a father my mother could not afford to keep me and my childhood was spent in a boarding school.. So my next question is. Is a GSA relationship worth giving up a family for? and does it not give an opportunity for the whole painful cycle to start again when a few years have passed and the children are grown up and come looking for the ‘absent parent’ PS I know you have been blasted in the last week or two by idiots, I am not one of these and do have a genuine interest and a different perspective and want to understand which in the long run makes me a better person, one thing I do understand is how difficult it is for most posters on here so if anyone wants me to butt out just say so

04-05-2008, 06:52 PM	#17
whattodo Junior Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Posts: 17	your question is the same one I'm trying to answer. Before this began I would say there is no way I'd leave my husband for another. I thought my husband and I are 100% compatible and very stable. Then I met my cousin and all the emotions I felt for my husband were pale in comparison. It's very hard to explain. Perhaps it is no different than any other affair, and the person you are not married to seems idealized. But I personally think it's more than that. The connection shared with a GSA partner is one that cannot be found with another lover and feels so strong that it is irresistable, even to those who thought they could easily resist temptation. That said the reason I want to sort through this is because I do not want to bring kids into a marriage that could end in disaster now that I have GSA in my life. Just my two cents. I'm so new at this I feel I can't really coment but I did anyway.