does it end

[mwoo6i1485]

i dont know if any one has been in similar circumstances as i explained in my story I STILL LOVE HIM . the pain is unbearable as more time goes by the further away my h/b seems to be .i watch the clock everyday waiting wondering if hel get in touch we have spoke a few times and he says he doesnt want me out of hes life altogether. but how can you repair some thing like this when he cant bear to be near me.its tearing me apart does this pain ever fade its been ten months since he called things off.he says he still loves me but how can he when he knows the way hes being is hurting me so much.i want my brother to be part of my life thats all.coming to terms with what happened between us and how we feel about eachother is hard but coming to terms with the fact that he cant be near me at all because of that seems impossible.do you ever stop feeling this way cause at the moment im at breaking point with no control over my emotions.
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lost

[angie]

hello

I have been following your story and feel much sympathy for you. My situation is different toyours so I cannot tell you if the feelings will go away. I only know that time is often a great healer and feelings do lessen. I know you have had a lot of tragedy in your life over the past two years and i am wondering whether you have actually gone through the grieving process for your other brother or if you may have attached all the mixed up emotions in together and added them to what you feel for your H/brother. I think when we get so down and lost, we can sometimes want someone to be such a saviour and make us feel better that they become everything- our whole world. I have done this and myself. It's almost as if you need the feeling that this gives you to make life bearable but it is in itself destructive. I can imagine that not seeing him just makes the want more. This may sound trivial to your situation but i don't mean it that way but I think you need to be distracted from thinking about him by becoming involved in something else. Then you will be able to evaluate what your actual feelings for him are as I feel they are probably greater because of what you have been through. I expect now you just want him to be near you in any capacity . Perhaps you could write down what you want from him and lay down some rules that you will both stick to. If you are both married and have children, then the only option at the moment is to be siblings so you both have to put aside what has happened in the past and make a future as brother and sister. I know this is easier said than done especially as he is reluctant to see you. I am also wondering as you said it wasn't 100% clear as to whether you are actually related, why don't you find out? This will put the cat among the pigeons but it could also put things very much into perspective. If it turned out he wasn't then you would have to decide where you go from here. I think this site is great but i do also think it can escalate the feelings of GSA. When I was first in contact with my half brother we got on fantastic and it soon turned to flirting and we were worried about when we would meet and what would happen. In a way I wanted it too because I had read such romantic stories and how it was the greatest love you could feel. I suppose it filled a gap in my life but when he suddenly cut communication because he couldn't handle the situation, I found it devastating and then realised taht I needed him in my life and the only way that could be was as a brother. After some time we began communicating on a different level and we don't flirt. The attraction is still there but I push it out of my mind. I am not saying this is easy to do and in your case so much more has happened but I feel for your sake you have got to try and help yourself. Put aside all romantic notions of GSA and that the feelings are so strong that you cannot help them. All emotions can be helped, you just have to want to. I once loved someone so much and they left me. For 10 years I wasted my life, dreaming about them and how I could get them back. I indulged myself with love songs all night, crying and thinking about him. No one could compare and I did waste a fantastic time in my life. It sounds silly but I actually enjoyed the hurt because while I was doing that I was feeling like |I still had him. It was very hard to give that feeling up and to also admit that I had wasted years on something that wasn't real. I'm not saying yours is like this but as you have had so much sadness with your brother and your mum, that you may be clutching at something which you feel will take you away from it all. I feel very sad for you when I read your posts. Your desperation really comes across and I wish I was clever enough to say some words that could help. However, I really do think that for the feelings to become less you do have to try and help yourself and focus on other things. Unfortunately we can only heal ourselves and make ourselves happy. I hope he will try and start again as a brother so that you at least have something. Take care and please try and not be too sad.

[mwoo6i1485]

hi angie when i read your reply i couldnt quite get my head round it ,i cant tell you how right you are about so much that you wrote.when my brother died it practicly distroyed me ,then my h/b came along it was like a god sent he was there for me someone just for me ,i dont know if this makes sence its like he took my pain away because he made me feel so happy and special .i really didnt expect or know that it would lead where it did and i had no idea about g s a untill it was long over.Yes i put my greiving on hold without even realising and now it feels like my h/b has turned his back on me it feels like every thing has hit me at once .i am so confused and wonder my self if im hanging on to a person that doesnt excist.i am so scared of losing him as a brother and thats proberly because iv lost one brother and had no control over it at all.i do want him in my life as a brother ,but he says hes finding it hard to see me as anything else other than his lover hence the reluctency to see me.
you really have made me look at things , i know the pain will lesson eventully but i dont want to lose him alltogether x

[BarbGonyo]

I was about to reply to "does it end again" and read Angies reply first and realized that there was little left to say. Angie said what needed to be said with compassion and wisdom.

When we have loss in our life and then think a replacement has been sent to us, we hold on as though our life depended on it in a way that can be destructive.

Angie noted how important it was to hang on to her grief and loss of a lost love so that she could continue to be part of it even in a negative way.

Letting go is so difficult and unless we find something to fulfill our lives, we continue to grieve.

So Bravo Angie and to Does it ever end, yes it does, when you can move on and use your life in ways that make you feel that you are using the gifts God gave you to help others.

Your love for your brother may never die and that is not bad. It is just the
way you live out this experience that could make you a much wiser person.

I'm glad Angie and Does it ever end have been in communication to reach out and help.

That is what this site is for. IF some of the stories sound glamourous and those looking for romance think they should try GSA, they had better read the stories of sadness and failures in a no boundaries relationship and of those who have continued to be siblings or have been able to continue on as friends or relatives in a parent/child relationship.

Bless you both.

Barb Gonyo
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[mwoo6i1485]

we know 100% now.you could say iv worn myself out with this emotional rollercoaster and now think its time to let him go for good as hes given me no other choice.

[angie]

hello
I've been thinking about you alot. I guess you mean that you know 100% that you are related. I think it's a good thing to know rather than always wondering. Now perhaps it is time to let things go and to replenish yourself. I know that at the moment he is giving you no other choice which in itself probably makes you need him more. It's strange how things that are unattainable are always more attractive. Don't think by what I have just said makes your love for him any less but it can be difficult to separate your emotions when you want someone so much. I know you said that he felt he couldn't be near you but this may not be forever. When their is space between you and with your new knowledge of the relationship, with time you may see each other in a different light and see things from a different perspective. I hope that being away from you gives him the freedom to look into his feelings and see that although you cannot be lovers not only because of the legal implications which at the end of the day for many are irrelevant but also from the fact that you are both married and I expect you were happily married before this hit your life. Go and deal with the loss of your brother who died. You cannot replace him but i am sure you have some wonderful memories that will never leave you. He will always be part of your life as he is in your heart. With regard to your half brother, don't feel that you have lost him forever. None of us knows what the future will bring. I'm sure you also have some good thoughts of him but I do think you should be careful to not dwell on what could have been or what you see that you have lost. When the hurt is less and your mind clear, I hope you both get another chance to put aside the past and start again. I really have a lot of sympathy for you. Don't think of it as losing two brothers. One tragically has gone but the other is just waiting in the sidelines until a right time and place. Take care and do what makes you happy. We are all wishing the best for you.

[MamaR]

I read this thread through(and was really impressed by your reply, angie). I especially liked angie's advice about involving oneself in something else. That is what saved me after my h/b called off our unwise relationship.

I realized, many years later, that I was seeking to fill a void inside myself. I lost two children to adoption in the early 60's and that kind of grief was not allowed a voice back then. Even though I had married and had a child that I was privileged to keep and raise (I had another one a few years later..also raised), I was unable to fill that emptiness.

Trying to fill that void with unrealistic romantic fantasy was a recipe for guilt and chaos and I am grateful that my h/b, who is 7 years older than me, had the sense to break it off. I can honestly say, for myself, that the feelings will fade if you allow them to. We humans are reluctant to give up our fantasies, but we can do it. Believe me, the payoff in this instance is a fantastic sense of freedom, the ability to forgive oneself and the strength to never fall in such a trap again.

I honestly believe that we do have control over our emotions to a certain extent. But allowing these feelings to fade takes some discipline and a genuine, hearfelt desire to do so. Obsessing, watching the clock, pining away, waiting for the phone to ring, is exacerbating the problem rather than helping it.

Just a thought, but do we, in this self-indulgent society, put so much emotional emphasis on what we want that we neglect to ever think about what we really need and what is right and good for us and those around us? I see so much self-justification and demands for others to condone their acting on GSA on this site that I really wonder about this.

MamaR