What should I do

ImHisMom · Member Joined: 13 Jun 2006 Posts: 2

Obviously, I am his mom...he was placed for adoption at birth and now we are united again! I am so confussed by my emotions and wants and needs. I have held his hand, rubbed his back, cuddled, etc., but I deep inside me, I want more. Some of the thoughts that have gone through my head are wrong, but I can not avoid them. My son knows my thoughts (for the most part), and he says he is okay with them, but how much should I tell him?

ImHisMom · Member Joined: 13 Jun 2006 Posts: 2

Could someone please respond to me on this...

Libralassie · Member Joined: 21 Aug 2004 Posts: 8 Location: Canada

Good evening, I'mHisMom:
I, too, lost my firstborn to adoption and I know the deep emotions of reunion. You must remember that you carried this baby under your
heart for nine months...he kicked you in the ribs....he is of you and his
father. Do not cross boundaries...it is normal to feel deep emotions for
him, he was taken from you...you weren't able to bond as all mother/children do. I suggest finding a support group in your area and
attend meetings, it will help and there will be other reunited moms and
adoptees to share your story with. Talking to other Moms is such a big
help and they'll understand your feelings.
In my case, it was my reunited son and my raised daughter that had the
GSA relationship and it went on for four years. My relationship with my
daughter is now fractured and my relationship with my "lost to me" son
will never be what I expected it could be.
GSA can destroy families and cause a great deal of heartache. I'mHisMom, keep reminding yourself that your son is from your womb..
he is of you.

Libralassie.

BarbGonyo · Administrator Joined: 31 Oct 2003 Posts: 153

I'm sure you are feeling a lot of love and confusion. I know that having you son in your life now after waiting all those years to hold him and touch him is overwhelming.

Before you met him you probably thought:

1. If I could only know where he is
2. If I could only know how he is
3.if I could only talk to him
4. If I could only see him]
5. If I could only touch him.
6. If I could only be his mother
7. But he has another mother so who am I?
8.If I can't be his mother than I'll get intimacy by being his lover

These are the GSA stages. When you get to #8 you are really in pain wanting more and more.

Just to let you know that if you do 8, 9 will not be easier or make you feel that your problems are solved but it will make you want more and more.

A wise man who has had a relationship with his sister stated that "GSA is like an opium".

I think it is true, once you take the drug you just want more and more until your life has one more problem.

I can't give you a quick fix answer because you won't believe me anyhow. I do hope you will be very careful not to let your addiction of love for this son get the better of you. The only advice I can give you is at this stage to ask him to call you mom and not use your name.

If he thinks of you as an equal and you think of him that way, you are setting yourself up for an affair. Remember you are his mother and the adult of the twosome no matter how old he is. He is coming into this relationship mentally as a child.

I hope you will read the posts that tell both sides of this. I don't want to warn you that the mother/son realtionship carries a lot of guilt on the part of the mother and could cause the son to feel used down the road or lose respect down the road.

You might want to seek a support group in your area for both of you.

Be strong and let your relationship grow into one that will last your lifetime.

Barb Gonyo

These are the stages
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