Don't know what to do.....for the best

Teenie · Newbie Joined: Jun 30, 2004 Posts: 10 Location: England

I really really don't know what to do. I am just not coping with having to say goodbye each time I see my half brother. If you can imagine taking a knife and making a cut in your arm. The pain that that would physically cause! Well, each time we say goodbye it is though I am cutting the same wound deeper and then, after a few weeks, it starts to heal slightly and then there is all the excitement because in a another few weeks time we will be seeing each other again. But then there is the goodbye once again but the wound is being cut again, but deeper still.

Two years have passed now since we met and yes I would say that emotions have died down but only to the extent, I think, that you begin to accept that there is a distance between the two of you and that you can't be together. The love that I have inside me for him has not changed. It is still as deep as it was and, I believe, will always be.

But I just feel that I cannot go on saying goodbye and cutting into the same wound deeper and deeper as time goes on.

What do I do? Would it best not to see each other except for say, once a year? Been there, done that, with my dad (my mum and dad were divorced when I was very young)(and I only got to see my dad once a year). Yes, that would make it easier I guess insofar as there would be so much "space" inbetween the times we saw each other. But could I do that? Why should I do that if it is something I do not want to do? I want my half brother in my life, 24/7 if I could.

Would it best in the long run? Are the two of us just going to torment ourselves even more?

Tiime and space is a great healer I know. But that is not just for people in our situation. That goes for everything. Even if you are happily married/with a partner, if you put time and space in between you eventually you would get on with your lives even if it took years. But why do this if it is something you don't want to do?

I am in limbo. I can't move nearer to my half brother, he can't move nearer to me. The plan was that when my children are grown up that I move nearer to him. Say between 5-7 years time. That's a life sentence!

I have other issues in my life going on as well as the moment and I wonder if when these are sorted out I will be able to cope with this situation a bit better?

Has anyone out there been in a similar situation to myself? Any advice from anyone? I am basically a mess at the moment with my emotions and just not knowing what to do for the best.

Teenie

puddycat · Newbie Joined: Jan 02, 2004 Posts: 9 Location: london

Hello, Teenie, it used to feel like a big gaping hole, every time i said good bye to my half brother, and always felt sad, no idea at the time why back then...any way no doubt you read my story, so its too long to go into detail again! its been well over a year since i last saw him[ due to me sending that email , when he pushed me, and i spoke a few home truths.. but never told him how it felt, that secret will go with me in my grave!!!} i tried to say sorry at the time, didnt want to know. Used to feel weird. just standing next to him, my whole body used to shake , hopfully he did not know! still think of him, wish i could turn back the time, and not be so hasty sending that mail, but it was the truth, he did used to act weird, as i told him and say daft things, that did not make sense, or act like playing games with me.so maybe i was hasty, but my friend who i told this to, looking back reckon he felt something himself, and got scared[ who really knows. except him!] if he felt the same way, and i was single, i would not for one moment, think it was wrong us two, weird but not wrong, so have i got'' perverted '' feelings!?? no, im just human who happens to find him attactive, and 'sods law' hes related thats all. Never grew up with him, never knew he was around, same as i meet him in a bar, bus stop whatever.. I found him really nice, good looking, dark eyes ect, my idea man, i surpose! but yes, im with someone, been so for over 6 years, i would not take that chance, only if i was single! timing is crap,and once again'sod law'!! Crying or Very sad

i will always think of him, its my 40 birthday in a few months, wish he could be there Sad

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puddy>>>>CAT

Teenie · Newbie Joined: Jun 30, 2004 Posts: 10 Location: England

Thanks Puddycat for your reply, I was beginning to think I am really on my own! The Counsellor with the adoption agency suggested this site and to be honest I feel a bit let down. It must be really hard for you not to have seen your half-brother for such a long time. This is what I am wondering, whether it would be best for me to "cut off" completely. Thing is how do you have a relationship with someone as friends/brother/sister if you are emotionally involved. My half-brother is a great guy and he treats me really really well. In fact I have never been treated so lovely by any man in my life and really don't want to let that go.

I feel a bit better today and am starting to pull myself together but I just don't know if I can carry on seeing him and then having to say goodbye and causing myself (and obviously him) so much pain. I know people keep saying give it time and there will be a change etc etc etc but I so feel that I have got to have a decision NOW. Maybe I don't.

How is the relationship with the person you've been with for 6 years? Do you feel that you are able to love this person totally or is there still emotions there for your half-brother?

Could you not contact your half-brother? Life is too short is it not? I don't know about you but the only other family I have now is a sister, whom I don't really get on with and me and my half-brother are so close, another reason I guess I feel that I don't want to let go.

Life seems to be full of decisions to make.

What you doing for your 40th? Had mine 3 years ago. They say that life begins at 40. God, it jolly well began for me!

I really do feel totally on my own. It's ok for everyone to say "Your not alone" but where does everyone go when you need help and advice and someone to talk to? Thing is there is only a few people that you can talk to about things like this as there is an awful lot of people that are so judgemental and ready to tell you what you should do (because I think, it would be best for them!). Yes, or people think that your weird or a pervert or mentally ill!

To be honest if I had met my half-brother in a pub, bus stop or whatever he is not the type of bloke that I would have been attracted to. Definitately not my type. So I guess it has been down to all this GSA stuff. But as I have got to know him find him such a caring, loving, supportive and fun person. To be honest I don't know if talking about it actually helps or makes it all worse in my head. I've tried pushing it all to one side but I know I mustn't cause it won't go away. I just so miss him and wish I could just jump in my car and go see him. But these weeks in between seem like months..............

Crying or Very sad

Are you on line at the mo?

Teenie

Teenie · Newbie Joined: Jun 30, 2004 Posts: 10 Location: England

Hi Puddycat,
Just had a thought about what you were saying about your half-brother and he pushing you away and the time that you haven't seen each other. It could well be that he has not pushed you away but it only seems like that. It could well his way of dealing with things and he could, I suppose, be taking time out to come to terms with things.

I feel as though I pushing my half-brother away sometimes and he says it feels like that, but I'm not, I am just trying to find a way to cope.

I have heard of relationships starting up again after "time out" and maybe your half-brother will get in touch once he has got things sorted out within himself?

Teenie Laughing

puddycat · Newbie Joined: Jan 02, 2004 Posts: 9 Location: london

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Hello, me again!! Thanks for your reply, my relationship with my partner is 99pcent good, 1 pcent , miss my half brother after all this time still.. i try and block it out most days now, just miss him making me laugh[ dry humour like mine] and eating chocs drinking wine the silly things we used to do, when i used to visit him. Made me feel like a kid, really relaxed in each others company, but guess i blew it, im very honest, when i wrote the email.. no heavy stuff, like how i felt, not about him or any thing, i was careful ljust the truth.For example, once i just for a second held him arm[ did it loads times b4, he never minded, cos i asked] he pulled it away, which was a surprise, then said his words'' like a bloody couple'' where the hell did that come from. i said when i emailed him about it. he did not reply for that question any how cannot tell on intenet, what people are thinking.. b4 he never minded, why that time, after all now!? most people like space between them when talking ,sitting, he used to get right up close, but when i said as a joke,' back off, you are in my 'space' he laugh..not nasty, but like teasing me, saying only playing.. one rule for him a different rule for me??! I have no answers on how you feel, im afaid, but if your brother felt the same, i say [ will get all kinds of comments from other people now, and who cares?? not me any more!!!} go for it, life is too short, be happy, work things out between yourselfs, be honest, i was not, hence i get sad, but hide it , as dont want to hurt my partner as hes a nice chap, and would not deserve all this.. For my 40 would love him to be there, as b4 all this mess he could not wait to be there. Oh i nearly forgot, he did email me, about 3 or 4 months back, saying he does not hate me any more! for speaking the truth!? only said how he acted towards me, did i hit a nerve perhaps?? only he knows that. I 'shut down' sometimes about this, still painfull, still cry when it rears its ugly head.... Crying or Very sad

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puddy>>>>CAT

Teenie · Newbie Joined: Jun 30, 2004 Posts: 10 Location: England

Puddycat

Difficult to know what goes through the minds of men. After all, they do come from Mars! Could well be that that one time you held his arm he actually felt sometime deep inside him and he got scared/worried? Good that you heard from him though. He could have taken that "time out" to "heal". Maybe a little more time and he will come back into your life? I hope so if that is what you want. Maybe he'll surprise you on your 40th! It's all so very painful. It feels like a death. Best way I can describe it.

Me and my half-brother talk nearly all the time about our feelings, which sometimes is a great pressure in itself. It would be nice to just have some fun, laugh and enjoy each other's company but it always come down to how he feels and then it turns itself round to this GSA thing. But his words are "We will get through this together". So I guess as long as we keep on talking and listening and trying to understand we're be ok one way or another. He did say to me the other night that talk about the past ie., where he comes from, is very painful for him and he wants to put that behind him and go forward. He accepts where he comes from but that is not who he is. He is and has been for the last 35 years someone else and a stranger to me and I to him and that we need to go forward as two strangers that have met. Easier for him to do that I guess as he didn't know his bio mum and dad.

Keep strong Exclamation

Teenie