By Barbara Gonyo
First published, 1987
American Adoption Congress Newsletter
What is this strange term? What does it mean? Does everyone who searches experience Genetic Sexual Attraction (GSA)?
I’ll start by trying to explain what the feelings are that surround GSA and tell you about some of the people who have shared their feelings with me. Seven years ago I found my son. I was married with three grown children and one grandchild. I was 42 years old and my newly found son was 26 and single. Within three days of our first phone conversation we met at my home. We talked into the wee hours and he left making arrangements to talk and meet again very soon.
I found myself acting and feeling very strange in his presence; as if I were sixteen again and dating. The fact that he reminded me so much of his birthfather did not make matters easier. There were feelings of tremendous anxiety between calls and meetings. My every thought was of him. I now knew what the term Magnificent Obsession meant. I felt as though I was trying to win him over like someone I wanted to date or marry. My desires to have physical contact were very strong. I wanted to hold him In my arms or hold his hand or wrestle him to the ground and tickle him and rub his back as I would have with my other children or my grandchild. As these needs progressed my feelings became very sexual and frightening. I felt ashamed and dirty. I was sure I was the only one with these feelings as no one had ever talked about such things in a group meeting..
In a small group meeting months later I brought this subject up and received some strange looks which confirmed my fear that I was alone and weird. A few days later an adoptee from that meeting called me to say he too was feeling the same way about his birth mother. What a relief to know I wasn’t the only one. As time passed and we discussed the subject more we found this was happening to a great number of newly reunited people; not only mothers and sons, but daughters and fathers, sisters and brothers and even mothers and daughters and brothers with brothers. This too was a relief to know because it really meant it was more than sexual. It was more of a need of physical bonding that was taking place.
The next question was, “Does this happen to everyone who searches”? No. For example, what if a female adoptee finds three brothers, will she feel this way about all of them? Our knowledge about this brought us to the conclusion that the attraction happens between the two who are the most alike. They seem to have the most common gene pool.
The feeling has been described, as though you have met a part of yourself. It is as though you are talking to yourself or your mirror image. This seems to be a type of self-love. One you could never understand before.
One girl talked of her need to be naked with her birthmother and touch skin to skin. No sexual activity took place as that was not the need. One male talked of his need to be sexual with his brother but, not being homosexual, they shared a woman.
My concerns grew regarding what would happen to a relationship between sibs or parents and child years later if they had a sexual relationship? At a Conference a brave young man confessed that he and his mother had been sexual for three years from the time he found her at 18 until he was 21. That was ten years ago and they now have no contact at all because of the birthmothers’ strong feelings of guilt and shame. He did not share those guilty feelings and said it was a very good three years on his life, and he now feels a great loss.
Looking into the sibling factor brought some new conclusions. What if they had been raised together? Would this feeling still be there? When you’re growing up together, a brother may feel great love and protective instincts for his little sister. Ask a child of 3 or 4 who they want to marry when they grow up and they may say “ my mommy or my daddy or my brother or sister”. They play together, fantasize together, and sometimes bathe together. They may experiment with sex together. Then they grow out of that stage because they put their relationship into society’s cultural taboo of incest.
What about the adult sibs, who meet in their 20s or 30s for the first time. They can’t feel the incest taboo of our culture because they don’t feel like brother and sister. They may share the same interests. They may look alike and think alike. After their long separation they have a strong need for intimacy. They go on a crash course of knowing everything about each other, a complete sharing of themselves to catch up to NOW. They bare their souls to make up for the lost years that they would have had together had adoption not separated them. This honesty seems to make them soul mates and puts them in an intimate situation. As adults, a need for intimacy can result in a sexual fulfillment as the ultimate or zenith in sharing or bonding.
In an earlier A.A.C Decree, a letter was written to the Dear Diana column. It referred to someone with a strong physical attraction to a relative and the writer asked how long it would last indicating it was an uncomfortable feeling that he wanted to get rid of as quickly as possible. We want a cure. The answer given in the column was that it usually takes 3 months. It sounds as though it is a disease that must run its course. In my experience the feelings do not have a natural duration. Some people will always feel these needs. Others have said they lessen with time. Some, have had a sexual relationship, some have not. Some who have had a sexual relationship seem to say they find some resolution and fulfillment while others feel the need to break off the relationship entirely.
I have found it easier at times, to see my son in the company of others, even though I prefer him all to myself; or to let a long period of time go by between communications. However, I find the feelings do return when I see or talk to him. It is difficult because we don’t know the taboo of mother and child because we met on an adult level. He calls me by name and we do not touch. So my needs to be intimate remain. I feel that if I had physical(non sexual) touching it could help.
I know why there was a fear of discussing this subject to anyone outside the adoption movement. We all feared the professionals and opponents of open adoption or reunions, would build a case for continued sealed records and no openness in adoption. I feel that the opposite is true. An open adoption could eliminate the secrecy between siblings and parents and child. Having a form of contact would lend perspective to who we are as relatives.
What can we do about these strong urges and fantasies we feel? Where can we put these emotions? For the person who is single with no sexual partner, I feel this is an additional problem that I have no answer for, but if you are married, I recommend pouring out this unspent love and fantasy on your spouse. Putting it into action on the appropriate person can relieve these pent up frustrations.
Do we have a cure? No, but we need to discuss the issue more and share our feelings and needs so we’ll know what the results can be if we act on them.
We need to be able to develop a healthy and forever relationship. A relationship that we were really looking for when we searched for our cherished relative.
Update: 2003
This article was written in 1987 and GSA has become a much more open subject as more people are reunited and experiencing GSA. I have heard from people all over the world on this subject and yet I find that it is so taboo that we are still ashamed of our feelings and afraid to let anyone know that we may feel GSA. There is still much debate on even calling it Genetic Sexual Attraction and referring to it only as Genetic Attraction.
Even though I have been credited in many articles that I was the one who coined the phrase, I did not. It was in the Adoption Reform movement long before I came on to the scene in1979.
I respect my colleagues for wanting to change it and remove the Sexual part but have a different opinion and hope they will respect my opinion.
I agree that it is a bonding issue. In my opinion all bonding issues are difficult but they become a painful problem when they go out of the boundaries of societies taboo of incest. Thus, to address this particular issue I prefer to leave the S in GSA.
I can be contacted at my email address for any questions or comments. [email protected]
Copyright © by Genetic Sexual Attraction All Right Reserved.
Main Menu