attraction to half-sister partially grown up together

[poohbear]

Dear Anyone:

My grandmother raised me and my mother raised my sister. Off and on throughout our childhood we would both either live with grandmother or mother. Majority of the time, we lived apart, and would see each other during holidays, etc... Ever since I was probably 14 and she was 12 I have been physically attracted to her. Once we physically experimented on each other just touching each other, but we never had sex. I asked her a couple of times and she said no. To this day, we're both married with children of our own and I still want her so bad, deep in my gut. I feel ashamed and guilty, but driven to find out if other people feel as strongly as I do about their siblings. I even read books like flowers in the attic, and hotel new hampshire because I'm obsessed. Can GSA happen siblings raised in this sort of environment I described or is it only adoptees? Or am I just f'd up? Please help

[howdoyou?]

Hi
From my understanding gsa can occur if the normal bonding process between relatives has been disrupted. The upbringing that you have described may well have contributed to this happening.
Have you heard of the Westermark effect? This is where sexual desire for those we grew up with is turned off, this seems to happen before the age of six. So if you and your sister were separated frequently or for long periods of time before this age gsa could occur.
I am no expert, this is just from info I have gathered since experiencing gsa myself.
Hope this helps.

[BarbGonyo]

It sounds to me that your long separations from you sister isn't much different than those separated by adoption. There was still a longing to have your sister in your everyday life. The relationship was fractured by the situation in your family.

Your sister became someone that you could relate to and see the likenesses between you, which you were deprived off as children.

I hope you will always love her but as a sister so that you will have a lifelong relationship and not an affair that could easily end.

It may take a lot of control to remain together and not break the boundaries, but it could be well worth it.

Barb Gonyo

[poohbear]

My problem is that she has no idea how I feel. I often fantasize about ways I could broach the subject with her so as not to alienate her and have her never speak to me again or something like that. For all I know she could share these feelings. Me being a male, I believe that we could still have a sexual relationship and be best friends like we are. But you all are right, it probably would bring me alot of joy at first, but then I'm sure things would get very complicated and my relationship with her could get destroyed. And this is why I keep this huge dark secret inside. I'll never get satisfaction until my craving to be with her is satisfied. It's a horrible feeling.

[BarbGonyo]

I wanted to share a story with you about a man I've been emailing back and forth with for about 4 years now. He was in his 70s when he first found this site and wrote to me. He was embarrsed to admit that at his age he was totally in love with his sister. He had many losses in his life. His mother and father both died and he was raised by a relative. When he found her she became his everything.

He couldn't think of anything else. He shared his feelings with me and told me how he was waiting breathlessly for every answer from her and would immediately answer any word from her.

She was becoming very frightened of him knowing how he felt. He asked for suggestions on what he could do. My advice to him was that first he must ask himself if he wanted her in his life forever as a sister or did he want a lover? I reminded him that a sister is a wonderful thing to have. Even though he lost his parents as a boy he always knew he had a sister out there somewhere. She knew nothing of her birth family.

She started to shrink away from his calls and advances and stay away for longer periods of time. I recommended that he not answer her immediately because he was over anxious. But to give it some time and let her know that he was caring but not needy.

This worked very well and I want you to know that she really did realize what he was feeling and wanted no part of it. Once he became a brother who was just pleased to have a sister, their relationship is working quite well. They are able to visit often as a family with other family members. He has gotten over his jealousy of any other relationship she may have and is proud of having a family not a lover.

I thought you might like to know that these relationships can work very well once we get through the hot and heavy breathing stages. This sometimes takes years to do but it is all part of our bonding process and getting over our loss.

I wish you well.

Barb Gonyo

[mwoo6i1485]

hello i just wanted to share something with you,i met my h/b at the age of 30 the chemistry was unbeleivable and i didnt want to beleive what was happening between us but after being open with our feelings we had an affair for 6 months ,it was the best and worst time iv ever experienced .when the realisation hit in that we could never be together not how we would want it ended,i was sad and releived.a year on i havnt seen my h/b we talk but even that is hard , we havnt been able to maintain a loving even freindly relationship.and let me tell you i am absolutly heart broken as it was him that pushed for it to happen and him that cant bear to be near me.he made all the usual promises ill never leave you,ill never hert you,ill never stop loving you.hes broke all these promises and morebecause he feels what he done was wronge.iv been in and out of clinics and on meds for depression and all i want is my loving bro back in my life as he should be.please think about it if youv got a beatifull loving sister than you can keep forever why risk it and risk hurting her.you can love her forever and let her love you back just how you are.hopefully these feelings will subside better to hope for that than anything else.if only i had known about gsa befor it happened to me cause i know for as long as i live i will be wishing to have my bro that i love dearly back in my life.

[BarbGonyo]

Thank you for your reply showing how much suffering can happen if we follow our instincts and not our common sense.

Barb Gonyo

[poohbear]

Dear Readers:

First of all thank you all for the wonderful advice. In my situation, my sister and I are already best friends. I don't see how having sex could change that, as long as I spoke with her about it beforehand and we agreed that we could never be together as a couple, and that the sex would just be kept separate. I wouldn't go into if there was even the slightest chance that either of us expected a further serious couple relationship. On one hand, I am dissuaded by the negative stories I've read, and on the other, I'm emboldened by the positive ones. Neither me nor my sister would either jeopardize our respective relationships with our spouses, or risk the scorn of our children. So, I live in this sort of fairytale in my head that we're together. I don't believe I could ever bring it up to her, as I wouldn't want to risk that being a black cloud over our relationship. I wish I could stop thinking of her, fantasizing about her, etc... I never knew about GSA and always thought that maybe I had an incest fetish. But now that I know about this, I realize, I don't have a fetish, as I could care less about other people. I just know I love my sis in a different way than most people. As I previously stated, we did partially grow up together, and I'm still not convinced I suffer from GSA as all the definitions of it seem to apply solely to situations in which relatives meet for the first time as adults. I'd be interested to know if any research on the subject has indicated whether it would apply to factual situations such as mine. I was around my sister about half of the time, and started becoming attacted to her around age 13.
Please help if you can.