Quote:
Originally Posted by cedarforest
It's VERY hard. The harder the process is, the more fulfillment you will encounter, when it finally happens. Don't settle for less than what you deserve.--cedarforest
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Thank you Lost Sister for this amazing introspective questioning. And cedarforest for the reminder of seeing a light at the end of the tunnel, that this too will change as time moves us and we enable ourselves to do some of this hard work. This is so hard! Some days it feels like someone is racking over my heart and at the same time adding a soothing sap. It tears and mends, keeps me awake and dreaming at the same time. I want to run away from my life into his arms. I can't imagine how I will integrate a GSA with my father in my life without deeply hurting many, many people, including us. I ache for the connection and yet I want and need to be mindful my spouse, and my children, my f/s, h/s and h/b who are also new to me and my sister and brother I was raised with.
And so I ache with a deep grief and sometimes that grief covers me like a wet wool blanket too heavy to lift off and too dark to see beyond the heartache. Thank you for your reminders that the blanket will be lifted, our wings will dry out, we will be able to fly with lightness and love, with our GA towards each other and bringing into the dance all those we love. Filling ourselves with our love and pouring that out of us to others we deeply care for too.
I get that, I hope for that day to come sooner than latter. But in the now, I grieve so hard for what can not be, and yet yearn for. And the wish and the want is so strong, that it has me thinking about abandoning my way of how I guide my life, morals or conscious or whatever you want to call it. I never knew something could be this powerful that would make me want to give it all away for a deep sexual intimacy. And so I have been toeing the line, and I want to fall on the side that is best for all involved and not have a sexual relationship. Sometimes not acting on the sexual relationship side feels like falling off the 'high' you feel into a deep ice crevasse of darkness and cold.
Thanks for helping me know that falling also means, trusting, and in the letting go, wings sprout, flying happens, possibly higher than the 'high' I yearn to feel with a sexual intimacy.
“Come to the edge, he said.
They said: We are afraid.
Come to the edge, he said.
They came.
He pushed them and they flew.”
With great thankfulness.
