My baby girl, K

[heyr-heyr]

Hi Dawn,
I want to thank you "publicly" (?!) for your positive response! My post (in Wasn't Meant to Be This Way) to which you responded (in a PM) was the first time, since K's birth 16 months ago, that I've felt the confidance to reach out and spell out the truth about who her father is: my h/b (aka, Ruir, in this little world). I can't say how liberating it is just to type those words. And I can't thank you enough for your encouraging words in the PM you sent. At the same time, I'm guessing that some people reading here are absolutely horrified that I didn't go through with the abortion; they just politely kept their negative judgments to themselves. I am trying so hard to meet her needs (and her 3yo sister's), and I can only hope it will be enough to sustain her. I sincerely believe, like you said, Dawn, that having a secure formative experience will be the most direct route to equip her emotionally for whatever curve-balls life throws to her. I do hope it will be enough, because she may have lots of curve-balls down the road. But reading here on this forum has really strengthened my confidence in my decision to not separate from her prematurely, as in giving her up for adoption, which is touted as the "wonderful" alternative to abortion in the case of an unplanned pregnancy in our society. I could do neither, but live and let live; I'm not about judge anybody else for choosing one of those options. I think, as humans, we all are honestly doing the very best we can in the situations we find ourselves in, given all of the circumstances, our upbringing, our level of support (or lack thereof), and understanding of available information.

Continuing my pregnancy with baby K amidst the *intense* family disapproval (and especially her dad's -- my best friend/lover/soulmate -- sudden and complete abandonment/alienation/rejection at the time) was very traumatic on me. I should correct myself and say, the disapproval and abandonment was what was traumatic, not the pregnancy. But almost everyone who had objected assured me in rather violent language that K's whole life would be one huge regret, for all of us (baby, my older daughter, and me). According (during my pregancy) to my mom, Ruir, and our other siblings, K would grow to hate herself, the world would hate her, etc... (Btw, my mom is absolutely in love with this little treasure of a granddaughter now, and all family members who have seen her felt the same way instantly.) Anyway, the initial extreme negative reactions from my family during the pregnancy influenced me to the extent that I had decided to conceal her dad's identity from anyone else (save 2 telephone councelers) until I posted here last week. (Even here, though, it's not like we disclose our names. Heyr-heyr!) I haven't even risked confiding in my closest friends, because I don't feel I should risk the impact that that kind of knowledge could have on their relationships with her: I wouldn't want for her to pick up on people looking at her strangely, or treating her differently than other kids, acting like they feel sorry for her, etc... It is a terrible kind of secret to keep, the kind that could spread like wildfire. And, like LostForWords, I often feel as though I'm living a lie, too, even though Ruir and I haven't seen each other since I walked out of my abortion appointment almost 2 years ago. I thank you both, Lostforwords and Dawn, for your acceptance and very thoughtful words.

And yes, K will know, Lostforwords, at some point, that she was conceived in a very deep, unique kind of love, as you suggested. Some posts lately have branded all GSA love as purely self-absorbing, obsessive, and blind. While I personally find that kind of judgmental labeling to be doing a disservice in incorrectly pigeon-holing the individual GSA relationships that truly *are* joyful and *not* harmful to anyone, I have to admit that, IMO, self-absorption certainly had a role in what Ruir and I experienced. But I can't think of any romantic love in which self-absorption doesn't play at least a minor part. K was conceived in the love of two people who felt they'd found, in each other, their ultimate soulmates. Even if it also happened to be the f*** of the century.

Dawn, I found one of your previous posts detailing that you and Tom live 400 miles apart, and it reminded me of how my h/b and I managed to hold a secret very-long distance relationship together for some time, too, before I became pregnant with his daughter. I will never forget what we gave up. It was the best connection I've ever experienced, on every level, despite the distance. I never even fathomed that it could end. That we would go months without speaking, years without seeing each other. Now, we only talk occasionally, but still alot more since he recently discovered this site and brought it to my attention. The connection is still there. A bit tattered from the long silence, but still undeniable. We are attempting to be regular "siblings" and I don't really know how successful this attempt is. If it's just the current circumstances and distance that are keeping us in check. But I do hope you and Tom are able to bring each other great joy, and the kind of joy that doesn't leave a trail of tears, like ours eventually did.

Thank you again for your kind words. I wish you the best of luck for the future, too.

Heyr-heyr