Just reunited...what is normal?

[thebirthmom87]

I'm a b-mom & just returned from my reunion with my b-son. He is 18-1/2 years old and his a-parents & I have been planning this reunion for the last 2 years - coinciding it with his hs graduation. For me and my b-son, the week was awesome. We connected instantly and got along great. We are so much alike and he is so much like his b-father in every way.

He was very open with his affection towards me in front of his parents, and while I thought he was a little clingy (always wanting to sit next to me, put his arms around me, hold my hand, or sleep in the same room with me - the living room - not a bedroom by the way) since he was so open to do it in front of his parents, I assumed this was just how he was naturally and didn't discourage him.

I often reminded him that he might be hurting his a-mom's feelings and to hug her, too (not where she could hear me, just to him). I also thought that it must be what he needed to do in his journey to reconcile his feelings about me and the adoption...and heck, I have no idea what is normal. He is ADHD and has had quite a lot of emotional problems in his life and I wasn't about to do anything that would make him feel rejected in any way.

Well, now that I am gone his parents are arguing with him (not that they weren't constantly putting him down and being angry at him while I was there - which he said was a normal way of life for all of them) and his a-mom told him that he and I were completely inappropriate and she's just going to buy him a one-way bus ticket to come live with me.

I noticed other things while I was there and I'm really wondering if they were really the best choice of parents for him, but that's another story all together - my question here is GSA related. My b-son's father is a very physical, cuddly, loving kind of person; my daughter and I have always been so as well, and I have a 9 year old son that I adopted three years ago and he is also very clingy (sometimes) and loves to cuddle. Was my b-son's behavior inappropriate? Should I have curbed it? If it was a problem for his a-parents, should they be making him feel guilty for it? The behaviors I saw from them while I was there, to me, bordered on emotional abuse, but I haven't raised him with all of his issues either, so maybe they are just exhausted. There are more details to our reunion, situation, etc. and I'm happy to answer any questions that might help anyone to direct me on what I should do now...what should I say now...to him or to his a-parents.

When I read the info on GSA, it seemed like this might be what he was feeling, although, he never seemed to be sexually attracted to me...and if he's built anything like his father, that would have not been an easy thing to hide, so I wouldn't go as far as to say it was that kind of attraction. But, definitely genetic attraction. Any thoughts? Advice? Observations?

Thanks.

[BarbGonyo]

Hello, I'm glad you wrote now and not when things were totatly out of hand.

I'm sure you are still feeling warm and confused about the reunion and don't know not only what he is feeling but what you are feeling also. I'm not saying that you have gsa feelings for him but I'm not saying that it couldn't develop later either.

He on the other hand seems to feel he has found his rescuer. If he is feeling unwanted either by his aparents or you as the bmom, he could become very needy which could become sexual because he may not think of you in a motherly way as he has a mother so he may need to put you somewhere else and want you to take him in.

You say you have adopted a child also so it might help if you placed the situation in a different light. What if your child at 18 (very young for a reunion to go smoothly) met his parent and they behaved exactly as both of you did. I don't know much about your behavior but his must have really upset his amom. Would you have felt that it was stange?

He has some problems withADHD and probably with separation issues due to adoption and parents who have more than likely wanted him to find you so they could get some help.

I rarely see Aparents agree to a reunion at that age unless they have had a big problem with the child and think this would fix him.

Do you think you could work with the parents to help him? Can you put boundaries on your relationship with him that you will both stick to? It is very important to do so. If not, then your problems are just beginning.

You can ask other on this site for advice or write to me in the PM section or on this forum and I'll be happy to help in anyway I can.

You may want to read my book as it tells stories of other reunited adoptees and their feelings.

Barb Gonyo

[thebirthmom87]

In answer to your question about how I would feel...I can't imagine my a-son being 18 yet, but since he is very cuddly now and I have given him a loving, caring idea of who his bio mother was, I would expect that he would be very affectionate toward her when he met her. And, yes, I think I would feel a little bit jealous, but I would hope that I would, as the adult, understand and accept it for what it is and while I would probably discuss my feelings with them both, I wouldn't discourage it because I would want whatever my son needed to reconcile his feelings about his mother and the adoption and would want them both to enjoy a relationship. Probably because I know what it's like to be the birth mother see the story from both sides. Easy to say since I'm not dealing with that issue in real life - and this is how my bio son's a-mom used to talk before it actually happened, too.

I do think that my bio son thinks he has found his rescuer. He has not been happy for awhile. He has always been told that he was adopted but when he was around 14 years old it really hit home as to what that meant and that there was a woman out there who actually gave birth to him and he had this incredible need to meet me then. Of course, his a-parents refused and said he had to wait until he was 18 and out of high school and then they would do whatever they could to facilitate the reunion. I think they expected it to be a phase, but it wasn't. He has been arguing with them constantly about it ever since.

So, starting at about the beginning of April they started having us email each other and then a few weeks before I left to go meet him, they allowed telephone calls.

I think it is odd that a child, especially a boy, at the age of 14 would have so much interest in meeting his bio mom and especially feel like he could tell his a-parents about it and show his frustration at their refusal to do so at such a young age. They argued about it often, and he's been very persistent. I'm sure his a-parents would have liked to have put it off even longer but didn't feel they had a legal right once he turned 18 and were only doing what they felt they had to do in hopes of not pushing their son away by refusing to help him do that.

I felt that the amount of affection was inappropriate #1 for a boy of his age; and #2 in front of his bio mom. But, I felt it would be hard on him if I rejected him in any way since I know he's been begging to meet me for so long. When adopting my younger son I was told that I would need to let him go through all the stages of infancy in order for him to bond with me, so even though he was six at the time they told me that if he wanted to sit in my lap and be rocked/sang to sleep like a baby, that I needed to give him that experience. I kind of thought maybe this was the same with my bio-son, he needed to feel connected to me in an infantile way.

His parents seemed very cold towards him, not very affectionate. Everything that came out of their mouths was a negative about him. He's been rebelling and getting into trouble and they are exhausted, I'm sure, wondering what he will do next. They don't ask him anything nicely, they just start barking the order at him and of course, the more they bark, the more he resists and the cycle continues to get worse.

Me, on the other hand, I'm not exhausted, but also, my personality is different. I'm not goal driven. I'm a live and let live person, so if you leave your shoes on the floor and I don't want them there I will just pick them up and throw them in your room, they start commanding from the start but don't end up throwing the shoes into his room until they've been arguing for 30 minutes. Of course, he is more stubborn than they are so he has learned that if he goes against them long enough they will do everything for him.

It's a volital relationship; lots of yelling, arguing and such. On the last day there my bio son was being berated by his a-dad (again) and my bio son said to me "See what I put up with every day?!" He was so angry. And his a-dad turned to me and said "See what "I" put up with every day!?" I had to tell them both not to bring me into it. It's obvious it's a very, very tense household.

He's not happy there and hasn't been for a long time. I don't know if I should try to help or not...I think they all need a break from each other and the constant power struggle. But, who am I to make any suggestions? I didn't stick around to raise him...and as hard as giving him up was, in light of what it takes to actually raise a child, I took the easy way out and they certainly don't need any advice from me.

I seriously, seriously doubt that I would ever feel a sexual attraction to him, but given his overly affectionate ways, I'm not sure if he would feel that way toward me. I certainly don't want to encourage those kinds of feelings, and I don't want to reject him either. His ego is very sensitive. He's very imature for his age, more like a 12/13 year old, not an 18 year old.

Gosh, I'm sorry I'm rambling on like this. Didn't realize how much I'd written.

[BarbGonyo]

I just checked to see if there are any posts and read yours. I don't have time to answer today but will get back to you tomorrow. I want to re read your post and respond.

Barb Gonyo

[BarbGonyo]

Hello,

I've re read your post and made some notes in hopes that I'll remember what to answer.

First of all you said you adopted your son at 6. How old is he now? Is this the only other child you raised? It sounds to me that you got some good advice on letting the 6 year old sit on your lap and bond with you. He did need the infancy stages with you to trust you.

Are you a single parent?

Your son probably would like the same thing bonding stages than your 6 year old wanted but because he is older may develop into GSA instead. I think the bonding process needs to be done with him also only under a therapists guidance and presence.

This has been very successful with many people.

As for your sons interest at 14 seeming abnormal, I don't think so. They usually become very intense about being adopted around 12 and you say he is a little behind in maturity. We speak of special needs kids and it is my belief that all adopted kids are special needs because they have a special situation in this separation.

Now he is 18 and there is so much tension. It has always been my belief that the best time for a reunion is around 12 where all parents hopefully can communicate and work together. At 18 the child thinks he or she is now a grown up and can handle it by just leaving this set of parents who are not seeing eye to eye with them and go to the perfect mom who will be all the things he feels he has missed.

That would be a big job to fulfill for anyone. You have to be careful not to feel guilty about not taking him in as a solution. You may think that this would be rejecting him a second time and he also may use this to get his way. But this may not be the best way to go at this time.

I'm thinking of a bm and son who was reunited when he was 18. She felt that he needed her and wanted to rescue him. She was only 16 years older than he was. He was so needy. His parents were divorced non parents and the amom told him that on his 18th birthday he was out. This was a very wonderful young man who never felt loved.

He became ill and bm took him in which she felt was the only thing to do. I certainly didn't disagree. I talked to her about a year ago and he is in his 30s now and still lives with her. He had a terrible accident and is now handicapped and she has been taking care of him ever since.

They should never had been separated but that's how it was in those days. He would have been loved in his birth home but his grandparents were ashamed of their daughter.

Your sons open affection for you in front of his parents may not only show his neediness of you but a way to hurt his parents feelings who he obviously at this age is not feeling to comfortable with.

So I must say you have a lot to think about and because I don't know your whole situation or his, I would be reluctant to just say do this or this.

My best advice at this time is to move very slowly. Continue phone conversations, try to be supportive of him and let him know you care about him but work with the parents as much as possible before you ever open up your life and his to something you can't change.

I know you love him and want to be his mom, but he needs a mom that can use some wisdom and set definite boundaries. You sound to me like someone who will certainly try her best to do this.

I hope this helped.

Barb Gonyo