I just need to talk

mur · 05-30-2006, 09:08 PM

Hello everyone,
I need to tell my story, I have been in a GSA relationship with my brother for four years now, he found me four years ago, he lives in the UK, and I now live in the US.
He came over here, I flew back there, we have talked every day once twice or more on the phone daily, I feel as though he has taken over my life, in every way...I obsess about him, and he with me, it hurts like hell that we are so far and cannot be together, I truly love him,
Last summer I found out that he has been involved with my sister too, this broke us all into a million pieces. The trust issues still remain.
She lives there, an hour away from him.. It has devastated me to the point of severe depression and lonliness...
I feel as though they are lying to me, I feel sure that they are having a GSA relationship,. which has put me in a place that I cannot cope.
He was going to come over and visit me in June, and cxld a week ago saying that he just cannot be around me, as I am to deep, I know that he is hurting too, but maybe not expressing his feelings like I do.. Later I find out that he going to take a holiday with her and another brother, it broke me...
I have broken off contact at the moment, but the pain is excrutiating...
I am in tears just writing this......
I feel desperate and am afraid to loose him, but feel like he is not being honest with me...
My sister does not talk to me like she used to..It feels like we have lost each other, and I grew up with her, its such a sad state..
Barbara...if you read this, please respond....
If anyone has any words please talk, I feel completly lost, and betrayed, yet I still love him, and feel like he is my soul mate, does he feel the same about my sister????
Thank you for listening

BarbGonyo · 05-31-2006, 11:27 AM

Hello again,

I'm glad to hear from you but not happy about the progress you are making.

I know that betrayal is one of the most painful things we have to get through. We trust, we love, and we are let down by another flawed human being, whether it is our parents, our marital partners, our children or what we think is our soul mate.

Can I ask you how you would define a soul mate? Is it someone who loves us unconditionally, and understands our wants and needs and is always there for us? If that is a soul mate then I would say you have put your brother in a category that he doesn't belong in.

I hear you saying that you think he feels the same way that you do but just doesn't want to let you know.

It looks to me as though he is telling you that he can't deal with your relationship and feel the same way that you do about it. It sounds as though that is too hard for you to accept.

If you feel that he is being dishonest and still having a go with your sister, but not telling you, then it might be much healthier for you to move on and not see him. That could only drudge up more pain and rejection when he leaves after a visit.

I know all of what I'm sayinig is not what you want to hear.

Can I ask what else is going on in your life right now? Are you just grieving and not moving into life by getting out and making new relationships etc.

Would it help you to tell me more about what is going on with you than just about your brother? I'm hear to listen.

All pain is temporary, even if the temporary part takes years. Even joy is temporary. It is all up to you to move on and find help and a meaning to your life. I will certainly put you on my request list to God for him to look after you. I hope you will be able to do the same.

I will watch the daily posts for your reply and hope that I can help you in some way.

If you prefer to write to me PM, that would be ok with me also.

Barb Gonyo

butterfly · 05-31-2006, 05:36 PM

Hi mur,

you say you have been in a relationship with your brother for 4 yrs now. How long has he been seeing your sister? Your story is not about GSA in a way. It's about being in a relationship with a man who can't choose between two women. As Barb says: what's your definition of a soulmate? My h/b is my soulmate: my best friend, my lover and the one person I trust above all. He always puts me first. That's not what your bro does.

You feel as though they're lying to you? That's because they are... Sorry if I sound harsh, but that's how I see it. I know this kind of love is one of the most difficult ones to deal with, I've never felt this way about anyone ever before. I know how it can hurt, not having contact. But your problem is not that the man you love is your bro, the problem is that he can't/won't choose.

I know this is not what you want to hear, wish I could say something to make you feel better, but you have to take care of yourself now and try to move on. Be strong mur XXXXXX Butterfly

mur · 05-31-2006, 06:44 PM

Thank you all so much for listening and caring, I truly feel as though there is maybe some support now...
I had an e.mail from my bro this morning, he is depserate to talk to me, to see me, to hear from me. He sounds like he is in pain, the kind of pain that is so deep that you can't seem to distract yourself from it...
One of you asked wether he is actually having a GSA relationship with my sister, the answer is yes...
I/we have talked about this, he sais that it is different with me, that it does not feel the same with my sis....
I know I sound weak and desperate, and I am afraid at times I am, he is confused and hurt and yes, maybe he cannot cope with his own emotions
Talk to me
Mue

BarbGonyo · 06-01-2006, 10:04 AM

Hello Mur,

I just read your second post. To you your brother sounds troubled and needy and helpless and you think you can win him back by healing his wounds.

I hope you will give this some real thought first. How many times has he reeled you in, and left you afterwards? What makes you think that he won't do it again.

I do think he needs help but I don't think you are in any posistion to give it to him. You have stopped putting your needs first when you try to rescue him which gives him so much power over you. When he leaves again and goes back to your sister or anyone else he thinks he needs, you again will feel rejected and unwanted and unloved.

I think to feel loved you must love yourself first. You have to search for your good points and know that you are worthy of a relationship where someone truly loves you and cares what happens to you, not themselves.

I don't know the background of you or your brother but your past more than likely wasn't one of love and trust. Your brother if I remember is the one who was lost to the family and returned. I would love to know what kind of childhood he had that he is now so willing to take over everyones life in your family. Is this punishment? Is it need to belong?

Whatever it is he needs to fix it not you. Are you looking at him realisticaly or are you seeing what you want him to be?

It is difficult to advise anyone with only snippets of a story of someone who is desparetly in love with another person and wants him no matter what.

I do know that you feel a lot of pain and loss and betrayal and need to get to know yourself before you look to him to fix your pain. It sounds as if I'm scoulding you in print and I wish the computer would have the power to have soft arms to hug you and comfort you and cry with you and help you find your self esteem but the written words just sound like a bunch of facts from someone who doesn't really know you.

So consider my message a hug and good wishes for you to take care of yourself before you try to help him.

Barb Gonyo

mur · 06-01-2006, 05:45 PM

Woaa!
Thanks for all the input, your right Barbara it's very hard to really know a p erson just in print...
My story is very involved. My childhood was not all good, I was adopted at three with two bio sisters, sexually abused by my bio father at the age of 5, throughout most of my childood, my sisters were also sexually abused...
It went to trial long story....
My bio parents had 9 children, they kept 4, adopted 5, three (myself and two sisters! went to one family.) My brother who found me 4 years ago to a very nice caring and loving family...
Today, just today I learn that I have an additional bio brother who has recently contacted the adoption agaency that he was adopted from making enquiries.....It's all an awful lot to take in..
I know I have trust issus, HELP!!!!
So anyway..... I have no idea on the planet earth what to do next, I love this man, yet I know deep down its like he has this hold on me. I have tried to pull back, it hurt so much I could hardly function, my days were hard, and the loss was brutal, no contact, very hard, very, very painful..it's hard to explain, and the being so far too....
Gosh I need a hug!!!!
Anyway, it's very compliacted, there are a lot of people that this has all affected...not just me, emotionally it has twisted my head, and my heart into a million pieces..
Mur

mur · 06-01-2006, 05:48 PM

sorry, error there, abused by my Adoptive father, not my bio....

BarbGonyo · 06-01-2006, 06:14 PM

I just finished reading your answer to my post. I do hope you got the hug I sent you after the reality check.

As I said in the last post, it is hard to advise and give comfort when most of the facts are not available.

It always amazes me that people can survive all the abuse and be expected to trust others in their later lives.

I realize you are holding onto your brother as if he is a life raft and you are drowning. It sounds as though he is the one who was lucky in the family he got. All of your issues are probably way too much for him to deal with.

I can remember when my son told me he couldn't deal with me or my family as he felt he would be expected to fix everyone. No one was asking to be fixed but he thought we were all disfunctional. His adoptive home was peaceful and loving and small. There were his parents, a grandmother and a few cousins.

He only had to concentrate on the world revolving around him. Now a larger family comes into his life and he can't deal with it. So we eventually gave up trying to have a relationship with him. I still see him about once a year. The only time he contacts me is out of necessity due to his health. He had a brain tumor last year and it took a year of recovery. He is doing alright now and doesn't find it too necessary to call so I leave him be.

He knows where we are. He once told me he thought my family didn't accept him. I stopped him in his tracks because the truth was they were more than generous and willing to accept him as their brother. He didn't accept them and thought there were way too many people for him to handle.

I'm sharing that with you because it sounds similiar to what your brother may be dealing with.

Like I said he was the lucky one. You are the one who suffered loss and betrayal but you're here and I beleive it is all for a reason. Not that you suffered but that you are here to share your life to help others who have been through this.

It may sound dumb but had I not been pregnant at 15 and forced to give up my child, a lot of people would not have gotten help in their searches and reunions and their problems because I would have been reading a book not writing a book and not thinking about anyone else.

It took many years for me to not feel pain of loss and to grow to like myself, but I got there. I'm a much better person because of all of you who call on me to use my experience.

I have a lot of hugs for you and all of the GSA people who feel alone. You are never alone.

Barb Gonyo

05-30-2006, 09:08 PM	#1
mur Junior Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Posts: 5	I just need to talk Hello everyone, I need to tell my story, I have been in a GSA relationship with my brother for four years now, he found me four years ago, he lives in the UK, and I now live in the US. He came over here, I flew back there, we have talked every day once twice or more on the phone daily, I feel as though he has taken over my life, in every way...I obsess about him, and he with me, it hurts like hell that we are so far and cannot be together, I truly love him, Last summer I found out that he has been involved with my sister too, this broke us all into a million pieces. The trust issues still remain. She lives there, an hour away from him.. It has devastated me to the point of severe depression and lonliness... I feel as though they are lying to me, I feel sure that they are having a GSA relationship,. which has put me in a place that I cannot cope. He was going to come over and visit me in June, and cxld a week ago saying that he just cannot be around me, as I am to deep, I know that he is hurting too, but maybe not expressing his feelings like I do.. Later I find out that he going to take a holiday with her and another brother, it broke me... I have broken off contact at the moment, but the pain is excrutiating... I am in tears just writing this...... I feel desperate and am afraid to loose him, but feel like he is not being honest with me... My sister does not talk to me like she used to..It feels like we have lost each other, and I grew up with her, its such a sad state.. Barbara...if you read this, please respond.... If anyone has any words please talk, I feel completly lost, and betrayed, yet I still love him, and feel like he is my soul mate, does he feel the same about my sister???? Thank you for listening

05-31-2006, 11:27 AM	#2
BarbGonyo Administrator Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 291	betrayed Hello again, I'm glad to hear from you but not happy about the progress you are making. I know that betrayal is one of the most painful things we have to get through. We trust, we love, and we are let down by another flawed human being, whether it is our parents, our marital partners, our children or what we think is our soul mate. Can I ask you how you would define a soul mate? Is it someone who loves us unconditionally, and understands our wants and needs and is always there for us? If that is a soul mate then I would say you have put your brother in a category that he doesn't belong in. I hear you saying that you think he feels the same way that you do but just doesn't want to let you know. It looks to me as though he is telling you that he can't deal with your relationship and feel the same way that you do about it. It sounds as though that is too hard for you to accept. If you feel that he is being dishonest and still having a go with your sister, but not telling you, then it might be much healthier for you to move on and not see him. That could only drudge up more pain and rejection when he leaves after a visit. I know all of what I'm sayinig is not what you want to hear. Can I ask what else is going on in your life right now? Are you just grieving and not moving into life by getting out and making new relationships etc. Would it help you to tell me more about what is going on with you than just about your brother? I'm hear to listen. All pain is temporary, even if the temporary part takes years. Even joy is temporary. It is all up to you to move on and find help and a meaning to your life. I will certainly put you on my request list to God for him to look after you. I hope you will be able to do the same. I will watch the daily posts for your reply and hope that I can help you in some way. If you prefer to write to me PM, that would be ok with me also. Barb Gonyo __________________ Barbara is the author of "I'm His Mother,but He's Not My Son" (formerly titled "The Forbidden Love, GSA". In the paper back edition of Forbidden Love, there are a total of 20 books left in that form. "The Forbidden Love Genetic Sexual Attraction is $15.00 plus postage and handling. Postage varies in places. In the U.S. postage comes to $2.31 Austrailia Fast Slower $8.40 one week $4.05- 4 weeks New I'm His Mother, but, He's Not My Son" will now be available electronically for your convience. The price is $15.00 check made out to Barbara Gonyo 906 Ioka Mt. Prospect, IL 60056 Upon receiving the order you will be given instructions on how to obtain the book. I hope this will be helpful to all of you who were having trouble getting the book. Barb Gonyo

06-01-2006, 10:04 AM	#5
BarbGonyo Administrator Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 291	brother Hello Mur, I just read your second post. To you your brother sounds troubled and needy and helpless and you think you can win him back by healing his wounds. I hope you will give this some real thought first. How many times has he reeled you in, and left you afterwards? What makes you think that he won't do it again. I do think he needs help but I don't think you are in any posistion to give it to him. You have stopped putting your needs first when you try to rescue him which gives him so much power over you. When he leaves again and goes back to your sister or anyone else he thinks he needs, you again will feel rejected and unwanted and unloved. I think to feel loved you must love yourself first. You have to search for your good points and know that you are worthy of a relationship where someone truly loves you and cares what happens to you, not themselves. I don't know the background of you or your brother but your past more than likely wasn't one of love and trust. Your brother if I remember is the one who was lost to the family and returned. I would love to know what kind of childhood he had that he is now so willing to take over everyones life in your family. Is this punishment? Is it need to belong? Whatever it is he needs to fix it not you. Are you looking at him realisticaly or are you seeing what you want him to be? It is difficult to advise anyone with only snippets of a story of someone who is desparetly in love with another person and wants him no matter what. I do know that you feel a lot of pain and loss and betrayal and need to get to know yourself before you look to him to fix your pain. It sounds as if I'm scoulding you in print and I wish the computer would have the power to have soft arms to hug you and comfort you and cry with you and help you find your self esteem but the written words just sound like a bunch of facts from someone who doesn't really know you. So consider my message a hug and good wishes for you to take care of yourself before you try to help him. Barb Gonyo __________________ Barbara is the author of "I'm His Mother,but He's Not My Son" (formerly titled "The Forbidden Love, GSA". In the paper back edition of Forbidden Love, there are a total of 20 books left in that form. "The Forbidden Love Genetic Sexual Attraction is $15.00 plus postage and handling. Postage varies in places. In the U.S. postage comes to $2.31 Austrailia Fast Slower $8.40 one week $4.05- 4 weeks New I'm His Mother, but, He's Not My Son" will now be available electronically for your convience. The price is $15.00 check made out to Barbara Gonyo 906 Ioka Mt. Prospect, IL 60056 Upon receiving the order you will be given instructions on how to obtain the book. I hope this will be helpful to all of you who were having trouble getting the book. Barb Gonyo

06-01-2006, 06:14 PM	#8
BarbGonyo Administrator Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 291	second reply I just finished reading your answer to my post. I do hope you got the hug I sent you after the reality check. As I said in the last post, it is hard to advise and give comfort when most of the facts are not available. It always amazes me that people can survive all the abuse and be expected to trust others in their later lives. I realize you are holding onto your brother as if he is a life raft and you are drowning. It sounds as though he is the one who was lucky in the family he got. All of your issues are probably way too much for him to deal with. I can remember when my son told me he couldn't deal with me or my family as he felt he would be expected to fix everyone. No one was asking to be fixed but he thought we were all disfunctional. His adoptive home was peaceful and loving and small. There were his parents, a grandmother and a few cousins. He only had to concentrate on the world revolving around him. Now a larger family comes into his life and he can't deal with it. So we eventually gave up trying to have a relationship with him. I still see him about once a year. The only time he contacts me is out of necessity due to his health. He had a brain tumor last year and it took a year of recovery. He is doing alright now and doesn't find it too necessary to call so I leave him be. He knows where we are. He once told me he thought my family didn't accept him. I stopped him in his tracks because the truth was they were more than generous and willing to accept him as their brother. He didn't accept them and thought there were way too many people for him to handle. I'm sharing that with you because it sounds similiar to what your brother may be dealing with. Like I said he was the lucky one. You are the one who suffered loss and betrayal but you're here and I beleive it is all for a reason. Not that you suffered but that you are here to share your life to help others who have been through this. It may sound dumb but had I not been pregnant at 15 and forced to give up my child, a lot of people would not have gotten help in their searches and reunions and their problems because I would have been reading a book not writing a book and not thinking about anyone else. It took many years for me to not feel pain of loss and to grow to like myself, but I got there. I'm a much better person because of all of you who call on me to use my experience. I have a lot of hugs for you and all of the GSA people who feel alone. You are never alone. Barb Gonyo __________________ Barbara is the author of "I'm His Mother,but He's Not My Son" (formerly titled "The Forbidden Love, GSA". In the paper back edition of Forbidden Love, there are a total of 20 books left in that form. "The Forbidden Love Genetic Sexual Attraction is $15.00 plus postage and handling. Postage varies in places. In the U.S. postage comes to $2.31 Austrailia Fast Slower $8.40 one week $4.05- 4 weeks New I'm His Mother, but, He's Not My Son" will now be available electronically for your convience. The price is $15.00 check made out to Barbara Gonyo 906 Ioka Mt. Prospect, IL 60056 Upon receiving the order you will be given instructions on how to obtain the book. I hope this will be helpful to all of you who were having trouble getting the book. Barb Gonyo

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05-31-2006, 05:36 PM	#3
butterfly Junior Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Posts: 11	Hi mur, you say you have been in a relationship with your brother for 4 yrs now. How long has he been seeing your sister? Your story is not about GSA in a way. It's about being in a relationship with a man who can't choose between two women. As Barb says: what's your definition of a soulmate? My h/b is my soulmate: my best friend, my lover and the one person I trust above all. He always puts me first. That's not what your bro does. You feel as though they're lying to you? That's because they are... Sorry if I sound harsh, but that's how I see it. I know this kind of love is one of the most difficult ones to deal with, I've never felt this way about anyone ever before. I know how it can hurt, not having contact. But your problem is not that the man you love is your bro, the problem is that he can't/won't choose. I know this is not what you want to hear, wish I could say something to make you feel better, but you have to take care of yourself now and try to move on. Be strong mur XXXXXX Butterfly

05-31-2006, 06:44 PM	#4
mur Junior Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Posts: 5	Thank you all so much for listening and caring, I truly feel as though there is maybe some support now... I had an e.mail from my bro this morning, he is depserate to talk to me, to see me, to hear from me. He sounds like he is in pain, the kind of pain that is so deep that you can't seem to distract yourself from it... One of you asked wether he is actually having a GSA relationship with my sister, the answer is yes... I/we have talked about this, he sais that it is different with me, that it does not feel the same with my sis.... I know I sound weak and desperate, and I am afraid at times I am, he is confused and hurt and yes, maybe he cannot cope with his own emotions Talk to me Mue

06-01-2006, 05:45 PM	#6
mur Junior Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Posts: 5	Woaa! Thanks for all the input, your right Barbara it's very hard to really know a p erson just in print... My story is very involved. My childhood was not all good, I was adopted at three with two bio sisters, sexually abused by my bio father at the age of 5, throughout most of my childood, my sisters were also sexually abused... It went to trial long story.... My bio parents had 9 children, they kept 4, adopted 5, three (myself and two sisters! went to one family.) My brother who found me 4 years ago to a very nice caring and loving family... Today, just today I learn that I have an additional bio brother who has recently contacted the adoption agaency that he was adopted from making enquiries.....It's all an awful lot to take in.. I know I have trust issus, HELP!!!! So anyway..... I have no idea on the planet earth what to do next, I love this man, yet I know deep down its like he has this hold on me. I have tried to pull back, it hurt so much I could hardly function, my days were hard, and the loss was brutal, no contact, very hard, very, very painful..it's hard to explain, and the being so far too.... Gosh I need a hug!!!! Anyway, it's very compliacted, there are a lot of people that this has all affected...not just me, emotionally it has twisted my head, and my heart into a million pieces.. Mur

06-01-2006, 05:48 PM	#7
mur Junior Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Posts: 5	sorry, error there, abused by my Adoptive father, not my bio....