Has anyone addressed this yet?

What about if you have made contact with your brother, and you have those intense GSA feelings, which he does not have? Its too embarresing to discuss them, and they won't go away. I want to have a sibling relationship as does he. I guess my question is why do some people have this and the others dont? Is it me, or something is my environment? Is it because I don't have a sex life and he does? I just want to try to understand so that I can figure this out. Thank you.

[MamaR]

I just love your nickname...I'm "notmarthastewart," either.

I am, now, relating the experience of someone else who had the same situation that you are in, but hers was with a reunited parent. She was fortunate that her parent was understanding of her feelings, even though they were not reciprocated in the same way. My friend is gay and the parent was her mother. Her mother is married to my friend's natural father, as well, so the situation was very complicated.

In her case, both her parents are mental health professionals and they worked through it with her. She says the most important part of her "recovery" from GSA was accepting that her romantic and sexual feelings were not returned and that something more precious and important was being offered. She allowed herself to date, to forge other relationships and schooled herself to see her mother as just that...her mother...not a potential mate. She also had to look at what was missing in her life that she wanted fulfilled and she found her answer...this is too personal for me to relate, even anonymously.

That fact that your brother doesn't share your sexual/romantic attraction is your good luck. You have the field open to explore other relationships that are more appropriate and still have a real brother in the bargain. If you can put aside your romantic fantasies, refuse to obsess about him and your feelings and find healthy outlets and distractions, it will help a lot. It helped me.

As for why he doesn't feel the same way you do...not everyone feels GSA when they reunite. I also think that those that do feel it often have something deeper going on...something, like in my friend's case, that is missing from their life. That's just my theory...not written in stone by any means.

Thanks Mama,

It helps to hear first hand from those who have been through this. And although, I know, on an intellectual level that a physical relationship would be wrong, I still feel a sense of rejection, that he doesn't feel the same way. You are probably right that I have other issues, like not having a loving relationship going on.

[MamaR]

By the way, nms, I don't think that it is "just you." GSA is no respecter of persons. It's a response to an unnatural separation between blood kin and an equal-opportunity burden. Accept the gift of a brother and realize that he is not rejecting his sister. I assume you are an adoptee? maybe you need to explore your adoption issues. Just a thought.

Hi Mama, yes I am an adoptee, raised as an only child. Do people in general find that the adoptees having a harder time with GSA then those raised as a family? My other three siblings were raised together. That was a thought provocating comment. Also, what types of issues in regards to the adoption process could I possibly explore? Any help in this area would be greatly appreciated, as I sincerely want to understand this as much as possible.
Faux Martha

[MamaR]

nms, I know that, on a sub-conscious level, there is an underlying feeling of rejection and abandonment in most adopted people. Most of the people I know who suffer from GSA are newly-reunited adoptees and members of their natural families. It doesn't hit all of them, but those who still have that inner child inside wanting to understand why "mommy didn't want me" are more likely to fall victim to GSA. It doesn't seem to hit very many people who grow up together. In fact, it is usually a repellent idea to siblings, etc., who have always been in the same home.

Itellectually, we might understand all the reasons for our loss, but not understand on the most primal level. I recommend you find a copy of Nancy Verrier's "The Primal Wound," and read it with an eye to seeing yourself. I know that understanding your reasons for GSA won't make the emotions magically disappear, but it can put you on the track of working on these deeper issues which should really help the outcome. That, in concert with Barb's book, should be a lot of help.

As a mother of adoption loss, I went for years thinking that I was not supposed to grieve the loss of my child and that I had "done what was best," when, in reality, I had been given no choice in the matter and I was grieving on a deep, cellular level. When we reunited, all that grief flooded to the surface and totally floored me. I was out of commission for two weeks...unable to work or do anything else for the crying jags. My reunited adult child was experiencing frustration in that finding me didn't "fix" all her problems.

Sometimes, a reunited adoptee will fixate on a member of their reunited natural family as an emotional "savior" of sorts...the answer to all their unspoken and even unrealized needs. I know that several adopted friends of mind who have surfaced on the other end of GSA have told me that it was one of their "light bulb moments," when they realized that the "soul mate" they were looking for was actually their own, intergrated identity which they projected onto the object of their desires.

It isn't easy to work through this stuff. You have to really want to find peace with your adoption issues.and overcome the giddy emotions of GSA. Verrier's book is a hard read, but worthwhile, in my opinion. Barb's book is a lot easier to delve into and probably should be read first. "The Primal wound" helped me to help my daughter but it took me years before I could get her to read the book...LOL. She's as stubborn as her Mom. Good Luck, Hon.