I wish I had an explanation

07-01-2006, 07:21 AM

. I wish I could say something.
Anything.

I miss the simple days of being able to say "anything."

For a while, I felt like I should not have posted . That I should have just shut up and bit my tongue .

There was a misunderstanding that sent me down a virtual flight of stairs.

I had a friend once, who raced motorbikes. Or at least claimed that he did. He said something that stuck with me forever.

"They don't come to watch you win, they come to watch you crash."
Sometimes that is how I feel about this place.

That people come to watch the depression.
The destruction. The desolation and the Isolation. The self torture.

How quickly you can be crucified for stepping out of "character."

I know because I have been.

People expect you to be this flashfire of emotion all the time.

Sometimes the pressure gets to be too much, and my brother just wants to destroy this thing that is so intense.

The more you die, the louder everyone applauds.

Well it can only go so far.

Sometimes I feel like this is not good for me.
Like it encourges me to be depressed, and delve into my mind.
Just to see how far I can go. Just to see what is possible.

I have actually been spending more time thinking/writing in private because there is no pressure.

When no one is listening, I can just say anything.

Like I used to be able to.

I am not planning on going anywhere. There still is a need for this forum. If there was not, I would not be so restless, and stressed that it is not coming easily for me anymore.

But I do want to say that there is more than one side to everything.

Myself included.

How do you deal when they up and leave you?
again and again.
Does it ever go away?

diamondbabysis · 07-01-2006, 11:04 PM

I can feel your pain & know the frustration of no one understanding what we feel. Also, the intense desire to be alone & just write everything down. Sometimes i get to share the notes with him & then sometimes I just hold them for myself. I go back & read them again & again reliving what made me write it in the 1st place. My husband says I'm obsessed with this thing. That it just consumes my entire thoughts. I do dream about him, think about him, write to him, everything but physically have him. Why are these emotions so intense? Why can't I just say no, i'm not going there today? The on again off again thing I understand. right now no word from him for 10 days!!!! Is it over? Not for me!! I can't let go tonight. But tomorrow is another day. Maybe I can tomorrow.

07-02-2006, 08:55 PM

and...sometimes you think you've got it licked.
I understand this now, I can deal with the thoughts, the repeatiedness and the obsession. At other times you just one that one "in" for things to turn out as they do in your daydreams.
Somedays seem normal, as if you can handle the normalcy of a sibling relationship...and on others it feels like the only real love you have ever had just slipped through your fingers...yet once again.

07-01-2006, 07:21 AM	#1
Posts: n/a	I wish I had an explanation . I wish I could say something. Anything. I miss the simple days of being able to say "anything." For a while, I felt like I should not have posted . That I should have just shut up and bit my tongue . There was a misunderstanding that sent me down a virtual flight of stairs. I had a friend once, who raced motorbikes. Or at least claimed that he did. He said something that stuck with me forever. "They don't come to watch you win, they come to watch you crash." Sometimes that is how I feel about this place. That people come to watch the depression. The destruction. The desolation and the Isolation. The self torture. How quickly you can be crucified for stepping out of "character." I know because I have been. People expect you to be this flashfire of emotion all the time. Sometimes the pressure gets to be too much, and my brother just wants to destroy this thing that is so intense. The more you die, the louder everyone applauds. Well it can only go so far. Sometimes I feel like this is not good for me. Like it encourges me to be depressed, and delve into my mind. Just to see how far I can go. Just to see what is possible. I have actually been spending more time thinking/writing in private because there is no pressure. When no one is listening, I can just say anything. Like I used to be able to. I am not planning on going anywhere. There still is a need for this forum. If there was not, I would not be so restless, and stressed that it is not coming easily for me anymore. But I do want to say that there is more than one side to everything. Myself included. How do you deal when they up and leave you? again and again. Does it ever go away?

07-01-2006, 11:04 PM	#2
diamondbabysis Junior Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Posts: 20	i feel your pain I can feel your pain & know the frustration of no one understanding what we feel. Also, the intense desire to be alone & just write everything down. Sometimes i get to share the notes with him & then sometimes I just hold them for myself. I go back & read them again & again reliving what made me write it in the 1st place. My husband says I'm obsessed with this thing. That it just consumes my entire thoughts. I do dream about him, think about him, write to him, everything but physically have him. Why are these emotions so intense? Why can't I just say no, i'm not going there today? The on again off again thing I understand. right now no word from him for 10 days!!!! Is it over? Not for me!! I can't let go tonight. But tomorrow is another day. Maybe I can tomorrow.

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07-02-2006, 08:55 PM	#3
Posts: n/a	and...sometimes you think you've got it licked. I understand this now, I can deal with the thoughts, the repeatiedness and the obsession. At other times you just one that one "in" for things to turn out as they do in your daydreams. Somedays seem normal, as if you can handle the normalcy of a sibling relationship...and on others it feels like the only real love you have ever had just slipped through your fingers...yet once again.