Spoke too soon!

[AlwaysHis]

(rant/vent - feel free to completely ignore or just tell me i'm an ass... don't care either way, just gotta get out the feelings or I'll hang onto them... also, this post probably wont make a whole lotta sense.)

ARRRGH! Guess I shouldn't have posted how HAPPY I was. Now I'm just pissed the &#^$ off! You know, I love how HE can say whatever he wants, talk about who he's attracted to, who he's slept with.. who he wants to sleep with. Yada yada yada. But I mention some harmless dance floor spanking, which he knew about... even met the guy who did it, in fact... and I'm being ignored? Oh SCREW HIM.

Ya know what, I know what this is. And it won't work. I'm still going to go out and have all the fun I want to have (no sex)... the only difference being I won't tell him about it. Not even the parts I think he'd enjoy. And should he ask, I'll simply say "You don't wanna know."

Ya know what else, GOOD for him for having an emotion pertaining to me other than sexual desire... even if it is crappy ole jealousy.

I swear, this is exactly what I'm talking about... this emotional blackmail shit. If I do something he doesn't like, I'm made to feel like shit. @@ @@ @@

I'm angry, but I don't feel bad. I liked going out with my girls... I liked dirty dancing with both guys and girls, and I loved getting spanked. Can't wait till next Saturday.

Funny isn't it, it's okay for me to sleep with him behind my husband's back, but it's not okay for me to get horny if I'm not in his presence.

He makes me so mad I feel like my eyes are gonna bleed. ::::: Deep Breath ::::: I'm okay now though. Really. I'm not gonna apologise and beg for his forgiveness. When I initially told him about it (that same nite while I was still out) he laughed. And when he met the guy (completely accidental), he didn't flip out. So how should I know that when he starts talking about how hot the television reporter is and how he got her autograph, and I replied "I guess if I can get spanked at the bar, you can have the hots for the reporter, lol" that he was going to get angry? I was in the middle of telling him that I have no attraction to this dude, it was just a random, funny thing that went on at 4am at a bar... he "hangs up" (signs off) Then doesn't take my calls.. then texts me saying he's not mad, just doesn't want to hear it.

Haha, if he was to play who can go longer at the "i don't want to hear it" game... a.k.a. the silent treatment.. then I guess he'll either lose or never hear from me again. I'm so past trying to change who I am to please other people. Maybe 10 years ago, or even 10 days ago I would be in a panic, pleaing i'm sorry and making promises... but not today.

Take me or leave me, just the way I am...today. Cuz I'm starting to like me, and no one is going to take it away. I'm a responsible mommy, I have a great sense of humor, I'm a good friend, A great listener, An exceptional poet, I have a huge heart, I'm charitable and hot damn on Saturday night I'm on the dance floor, life of the party, letting loose and having fun. I AM A FUN PERSON DAMNIT.. (tho a little hot tempered..lol) As long as I go home alone (with my designated driver), unscathed and with my dignity intact, I'M GOOD

Ohhh, GSA friends, please forgive me.. but this post will save me from a totally bad day. I feel better already. Even if he doesn't like who I am or what I'm about, I can And I do!

[AlwaysHis]

I took a little nap. It's been a long coupla days with no enough rest. I woke up & all my anger felt disapated. What I'm left with is this hollow feeling at the back of my throat, in the pit of my stomach. Ohh, don't I know this feeling SO well.

Hello emptiness, where ya been hiding?
Thought you weren't coming back.
Can't really say I'm glad to see you....

Ugh, hate it so much. Really do. If this is what I make him feel, then we gotta stop. If this is what I'm going to find myself feeling every time I wake up after a spat with him, I won't last long. I honestly feel like I might be sick. It's always amazed me how the emptiness can fill up the core of you... and how that sickness can just seep into you veins and poision everything. I don't want to feel like this again. I didn't miss this hurt.

Hopefully tomorrow I'll be over, he'll be over it, everything can just move forward as usual. But if not, if this sickness remains, or if it leaves and comes back quickly...time and time again..... Then I'll be ready to do what has been advised... and rethink what I want out of this relationship. Cuz this ain't it... no way.

Now I just want to go back to sleep... pretend everything is fine..... it is fine.... and feel GOOD AGAIN when I wake up, with or without him.

[daddyslittlegirl]

I kind of understand what you mean about him being able to talk about all that studd but you saying one word about yours and he gets mind. I kind of have that same problem. He talks about how all these girls text him trying to get in bed wiht him and hes always at his single girls friends houses and stuff but if he knows about a guy that sounds like hes flirting even if were jsut friends he gets all pissy and thinkgs im sleeping wiht other guys or wanting to. its very frustrating

[daddyslittlegirl]

Its also somethign we semi often fight about. Bout I trust him 99% and just have to accept that he doesnt realize when he says stuff thats bothers me and he gets mad that hes not aware of it and just says without thinking i guess

[AlwaysHis]

It's a double standard, DaddysLittleGirl. Boys will be boys, you know. But us girls, well we better behave like ladies. HA- I dont THINK so.

[AlwaysHis]

Ha. This song made me feel so much better. And I'm not even a country music fan. I think I'll sleep good tonight after all... knowing he'll "think of me" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xsb5VyLpKU4