I'm dead

wanttobeheld · 10-21-2010, 06:49 PM

After slipping out of dad's life for two years because of the overwhelming unrequited love I had for him, he decided to track me down rather relentlessly over the space of two weeks... I had emails, text msgs, and finally a phone call - specifically telling me he was "alone again", and wanted me to get in touch again.

So, I thought I had nothing to lose, and went and proclaimed my love for him.

Now he tells me that he has a new woman in his life, and wants no part of me, in any shape or form. My mother wishes I was dead, and so does my father.

So effectively, today, I died.

I wish I was dead - next to my sister at the crematorium.

cedarforest · 10-21-2010, 09:05 PM

Please take it easy. I'm going to PM you, regarding something I feel you should know.--cedarforest

wanttobeheld · 10-21-2010, 09:57 PM

Oh, thankyou, thankyou, thankyou, thankyou Cedar ! You are soooooo right ! I had started to realise that, and typed it in my final message to him. I was convenient to have around when it suited him, and now that I no longer serve any purpose, he's happy to drop me like a dead weight.

What good comes of any relationship like that ? Nothing.

It does still hurt, not necessarily the GSA side of it, but that as an adoptee, I've been rejected...... again.

A throw-away baby indeed.

Oh, and my husband knew of my need to have very close contact with my father...... he used to say quite often that he understood. A true gift, my DH.

Edited again to add that I'm coming more and more the realisation that he really is a selfish bastard...... he has his sexual needs fulfilled in a "normal" relationship, but as an adoptee, where do I get my paternal sensual needs fulfilled ? He really did lie to me.....

cedarforest · 10-21-2010, 10:31 PM

I'm thrilled to hear so many good things from your post. I hope you will be able to shrug off the "rejection feelings" very soon. It is a process, though, & I know why you feel that way. GSA is the most amazing, but blinding thing that's ever happened to me, & likely you, too. We simply feel we MUST be with our "soulmate", & we lose ourselves, in the process.

OK, so you were adopted, was it a bad situation, with harsh & cruel circumstances? If not, then understand that you weren't rejected, YOU WERE SELECTED. How great is that, to be taken AWAY from what you would surely have faced with the bio-parents you had, to being chosen by REAL parents who wanted you so bad to pay & fight the system to get you. If so, then your REAL parents are NOT like the selfish people who "spawned" you. Sorry if I sound graphic or crude, but I just feel you have SO SO much to live for & praise God for. A loving, understanding husband (please reach out to him, too), a clean record, as far as doing nothing improper with your bio-dad, & thankfully (imo), his undeniable show of terrible character flaws.

WOW, how could you be so lucky. You should feel so good, exactly opposite of how you felt when you first posted. I hope you agree. BEST WISHES.--cedarforest

wanttobeheld · 10-30-2010, 08:33 AM

Just a quick message to say a generic "thankyou" for the supportive PMs and emails from those who've sent them.

I am slowly moving on, in part with the help of distant biological family members (whom I've never met), who've welcomed me unconditionally into the extended "clan". As a result, I've been privy to a lot of information I should have been told a long time ago, which likely would have meant that none of the crap that's gone on would have happened. Oh well - live and learn - secrets and lies will follow me forevermore.

Anyway, once again - thanks.

open2both · 10-30-2010, 01:28 PM

Gaaawd!
I'm tearing up over your pain.
But...
I'm ecstatic you've made "adjustments" and are moving on!!
Sigh.
Smmooch!

10-21-2010, 06:49 PM	#1
wanttobeheld Junior Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 28	I'm dead After slipping out of dad's life for two years because of the overwhelming unrequited love I had for him, he decided to track me down rather relentlessly over the space of two weeks... I had emails, text msgs, and finally a phone call - specifically telling me he was "alone again", and wanted me to get in touch again. So, I thought I had nothing to lose, and went and proclaimed my love for him. Now he tells me that he has a new woman in his life, and wants no part of me, in any shape or form. My mother wishes I was dead, and so does my father. So effectively, today, I died. I wish I was dead - next to my sister at the crematorium.

10-21-2010, 09:57 PM	#3
wanttobeheld Junior Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 28	Oh, thankyou, thankyou, thankyou, thankyou Cedar ! You are soooooo right ! I had started to realise that, and typed it in my final message to him. I was convenient to have around when it suited him, and now that I no longer serve any purpose, he's happy to drop me like a dead weight. What good comes of any relationship like that ? Nothing. It does still hurt, not necessarily the GSA side of it, but that as an adoptee, I've been rejected...... again. A throw-away baby indeed. Oh, and my husband knew of my need to have very close contact with my father...... he used to say quite often that he understood. A true gift, my DH. Edited again to add that I'm coming more and more the realisation that he really is a selfish bastard...... he has his sexual needs fulfilled in a "normal" relationship, but as an adoptee, where do I get my paternal sensual needs fulfilled ? He really did lie to me..... Last edited by wanttobeheld : 10-21-2010 at 10:24 PM.

10-21-2010, 10:31 PM	#4
cedarforest Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Tennessee Posts: 296	Well, thank-you I'm thrilled to hear so many good things from your post. I hope you will be able to shrug off the "rejection feelings" very soon. It is a process, though, & I know why you feel that way. GSA is the most amazing, but blinding thing that's ever happened to me, & likely you, too. We simply feel we MUST be with our "soulmate", & we lose ourselves, in the process. OK, so you were adopted, was it a bad situation, with harsh & cruel circumstances? If not, then understand that you weren't rejected, YOU WERE SELECTED. How great is that, to be taken AWAY from what you would surely have faced with the bio-parents you had, to being chosen by REAL parents who wanted you so bad to pay & fight the system to get you. If so, then your REAL parents are NOT like the selfish people who "spawned" you. Sorry if I sound graphic or crude, but I just feel you have SO SO much to live for & praise God for. A loving, understanding husband (please reach out to him, too), a clean record, as far as doing nothing improper with your bio-dad, & thankfully (imo), his undeniable show of terrible character flaws. WOW, how could you be so lucky. You should feel so good, exactly opposite of how you felt when you first posted. I hope you agree. BEST WISHES.--cedarforest

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10-21-2010, 09:05 PM	#2
cedarforest Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Tennessee Posts: 296	Please take it easy. I'm going to PM you, regarding something I feel you should know.--cedarforest

10-30-2010, 08:33 AM	#5
wanttobeheld Junior Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 28	Just a quick message to say a generic "thankyou" for the supportive PMs and emails from those who've sent them. I am slowly moving on, in part with the help of distant biological family members (whom I've never met), who've welcomed me unconditionally into the extended "clan". As a result, I've been privy to a lot of information I should have been told a long time ago, which likely would have meant that none of the crap that's gone on would have happened. Oh well - live and learn - secrets and lies will follow me forevermore. Anyway, once again - thanks.

10-30-2010, 01:28 PM	#6
open2both Junior Member Join Date: Sep 2010 Posts: 28	Gaaawd! I'm tearing up over your pain. But... I'm ecstatic you've made "adjustments" and are moving on!! Sigh. Smmooch!