bellas Story Part I

[Bella]

Hello My friends. I say my friends because posts after posts I feel all the pain I feel so much tenderness for all of you and wish I could just come and hold your hand…I truly wish I would erase all of your pain…if life was so simple. I would like to share my story…it may be rather long so I thank you all for continuing with Bellas story.

My mother had her 1st child when she was 16 in France. At the age of was 18 her husband decides that he wants to immigrate to Canada. Shortly after their arrival to Canada my mother cannot bear her husbands drinking and leaves him. While is cleaning in a hotel she meets my step-father, Joe, ..they connect and my step-dad, Joe, leaves his first wife and child. Joe feeling guilty leaving his first wife and child I believe cannot make up his mind which woman he wants to be with. Meanwhile my mother meets Jakob…who she falls deeply in love with…she stays with Jakob and my mothers first husband kidnaps my sister back to France. They are all recent immigrants with little money Jakobs father finances the trip back to France where my mother kidnapped my sister back to Canada with her and at this time she discovers she is pregnant but really not quite sure who the father was…Joe or Jakob? Nine months later….they tell my Mom, Vero, stop pushing so hard there is another one coming. What a surprise she only expected one but two???? Apparently the Doctors told my Mom and Joe that I was Jakobs and my twin Joes….At the age of six months my mother decides to stay with Joe and Jakob leaves for the US. Goodbye Jakob he leaves and I think my mother completely falls apart…Lets not forget she was only 20 at this time…We stay with Joe…who has taken on two children and my twin who was his…Everyone knew the story, I was the spitting image of Jakob…..everyone hated and knew Jakob. I had no idea I just thought everyone hated me…Adult family members would get something for my twin, Sonya, but nothing for me….They would do this in front of me I was like five…..My grandmother adored Sonya hated Bella…Joe, was a very tortured man and incredibly cruel. My mother and Joe had a terrible violent relationship and Joe beat my older sister and I …He berated us told us we were stupid, good for nothing….it was not a healthy happy family. I had this persecution complex but everyone said it was in my head!!! At the age of 15 I couldn’t live with all of my sadness…I never felt like I belonged anywhere….I tried taking my life…I was in the hospital for several months but no one bothered to tell the doctors that I was Jakobs and Sonya was Joes….I went back home back shortly after my 16th birthday I moved out to live with a 22 year old man who guess What????? Abused the hell out of me…When I was 22 my mother finally told me about Jakob. I had a Daddy in this world…maybe maybe he would love me…I so needed the love of a father. I found my fathers mother back in Europe when I was 25...I borrowed the money and went to meet with her…But Jakob had never kept in touch with his mother so that was a dead end. It took another two years to find Jakob…I would go to the public library and go through all the white pages of the US…that was all the information I had one day in October of 1995 I found this Jakob in the states…I phoned the number and asked this man if he was the Jakob I was looking for? When he said yes….wow…all these years looking for this man named Jakob…Can you imagine all the stories I had made up…It was this instant connection….Within a week I was down there meeting Jakob and his wife and children. The minute I met him….I have never ever ever felt that in my whole life. He gave me so much love. that I mattered…that I was great…I felt like I was in heaven…..his wife probably felt what was going on and in that regard with his wife it was a nightmare…I stayed ten days nothing sexual happened until the night before I was to leave. Within six weeks of meeting this stranger, Jakob, I moved to the states to live and run his business with him. I was filled with guilt over my sexual feeling for Jakob but he kept telling me that you cant chose the ones you love. It was our destiny…Yes, Yes…It was absolute..bliss…I have never experienced this love before and being the damaged being that I was already? Here I am running this restaurant with Jakob. Friends it was the first time in my life that I felt whole I know you understand what I mean. The first time that I worked somewhere that I excelled…Everyone in the community knew about our reunion but of course no one knew of the sexual nature. Everyone just thought we just needed to get to know one another…We lived on a marina with just another person on the marina. It was very easy to hide our relationship…Oh how we loved one another….I was his princess….Never in my life…was I happier. But…but…I had a family back in Canada….which I had to visit every six months…I had friends…how can one hide something like that? It was absolute bliss…for the first 3 months….perhaps even six….but I really struggled with the sexual part of our relationship. It tormented me but he kept on saying how could we deny ourselves sex like that. When Jakob met me he met a 27 year woman. He may verbalize that I am his daughter but I do not believe he ever thought of me as his daughter…However…I never stopped believing he was my father. So I really struggled when I would say it out loud I am having sex with my biological father. I would absolutely cringe..I was going against everything and I would tell him we were going against God but he would just tell me I was being silly. At first the lying was kinda of fun…but I am very close to my siblings…lying is not one of my assets. We worked long long hours12-16 hr days….six to seven days a week did not give much free time. I was exhausted all the time….and struggling with the sexual relationship with Jakob….I told someone in the restauarant that I was exhausted and he gave me this stuff to snort….Well that began my addiction with meth….Meth made everything ok, I could work 16hr days and be able to reconcile my sexual relationship with Jakob. The bliss that I had known became a nightmare. Jakob had no idea how much drugs I was taking..no one did. I would often tell him that we had to end our sexual relationship but he became in turn…possessive…I told him I was leaving and he ran out of the house with his gun telling me he would kill himself…From that time forward he pretty much kept me hostage… OH RIGHT I forgot…. All my life I have been told I could never get pregnant GUESS what Bella got pregnant….Of course it was a problematic pregnancy…I had to go to several ultrasounds….I had no intention to keep this child…but it was a horrific experience…I was awake and only given extra strength Advil for the procedure. After that I only all I wanted was our sexual relationship to end…I had no intention on leaving I was happy at the restaurant…he pushed and pushed….scene after scene…..after one busy Fathers day at the restaurant it was either I leave this situation or I kill myself. I left….and walked 25 miles to the next town….That is how my relationship with Jakob ended at that time….I went and stayed with a friend I stayed in bed for a month I could just not move…I was so paralyzed with pain. I don’t think I am ever going to ever get over that my Biological father preferred to screw me than be a father. At the age of 32 I returned to Canada an absolute mess. My mother and family found out about the true nature of my relationship with Jakob. Her initial reaction is why Bella do you have to be so bad all the time? I believe that my mother believed that she was Jakobs only love…she was so young at the time. I know now that when she beat me as a child it was Jakob she was hitting.

please go to Bellas Story Pt 2