Suddenly I see...

[blueeyes77]

For those of you not familiar with my situation, here is a brief outline.....

I met my hb (dad's adopted out son) 4 months ago. He's in another country and flew here for a 3 week 'meet the family' visit. Prior to his arrival we spoke everyday on the phone and skype. The connection was instant. In person the connection was a million times stronger. We did not cross the line, but were very close physically (sitting on his lap, cuddling, holding hands, lots of cheek kisses). My poor husband was left in the cold and when my hb left, our marriage detriorated. He threatened to leave me several times out of sheer jealousy. We have desperately worked hard at our marriage and are still together....although I have not spoken to him about GSA. He just senses our emotional attachment.

In the middle of all this, I did something silly and booked a non-refundable flight to my hb for the end of this year, because we were both grieving tremendously and crying to each other everyday about our separation. My husband supported this fully, saying he wanted me to 'get it out of my system'. But now after reading many posts here, I can suddenly see how terribly wrong it would be for me to cross that line. I can now see that under normal circumstances, my hb wouldn't be someone that I would normally be attracted to. I was attracted to him because he was "my missing brother" and I desperately wanted to bond with him. I can see many many traits in him that are similar to me, but at the same time some of those traits I don't like about myself.

So, I guess my question is.....should I talk to my hb about this attraction that is no longer there on my part, or stay right away from the topic?? I just want to bond as siblings in December (since there is no way I can get out of this flight dilema without wasting $2500 - although now that I can see clearly, my actual desire to go there has diminished drastically and I feel extreeeeeemely guilty at the thought of leaving my husband and 3 young children behind for three weeks). I'm scared to talk about it and have him disconnect from me, but on the other hand I don't want him to think I'm coming to be with him, over my husband. Mind you, he has said I need to have worked hard at my marriage and want to be with my husband before I arrive there. And yet, he still wants to talk intimately with me and he flirts like crazy!

Is it better to be open about this, or just give off the vibe that anything physical or any intimate talk is inappropriate between us??

I'm soooo mad that my dad and his ex put him up for adoption. Had that not happened, I'm sure GSA wouldn't be an issue for me.

Thanks for listening to my rant.

[lighthouse]

This is just my opinion, but I think you should discuss this with your husband. He probably already suspects and this would put his mind at ease. A lot of it depends on how your husband will react, but there is a chance that it could bring you closer together.

Good luck!

[crushedsister]

Blueeyes77!

$2500 is nothing compared to the devastation that will occur if you go. Devastation to your soul! You will see him and the pull will be much stronger than you can imagine. You will cross the line if you go, bottom line. Dont do it! I wish with everything I have that I could change my decision to "go".

You and your hb must find a happy medium that only includes talking on the phone or texting/writing, whatever you do, dont let it go any further. If you think you have pain now, trust me please, the pain you will have if you cross the line is almost life threatening, please please believe me. Just dont go.

[sislovesbro]

blueeyes 77: Very high probability that if you go on this trip and are alone with your hb, you will cross the line. This GSA has a life of its own. I never thought it could happen to me, but I crossed the line over a year ago and have been living in hell ever since. I'm married to a good man and if he ever found out, it would kill him and end our life together immediately. I never even heard about GSA until a month ago. I don't know if I could have stopped myself if I had known about GSA, but I certianly would have had a clearer picture of why it was happening and what the outcomes could look like. I know you have to make a difficult decision, but my advice is don't go, or bring your husband with you.

[5Kmom]

Listen to the other, Blueeyes 77, they understand the situation very well. You have answered your own question in your letter - you just want to have a brother/sister relationship with this half-brother (and you fear that if you go see him alone, he will want more).

It seems that you want to tell your husband - and maybe that is what needs to happen so that you don't feel so torn about this trip. I agree that the money is not the issue. Your "world" is the issue and once the line is crossed, it can not be undone.

Choose carefully - and know that there are those who are ready to listen.

5Kmom

[blueeyes77]

Thank you for your replies. I really appreciate being able to discuss this openly here, as I don't have anyone else to confide in about this.

I have considered telling my husband exactly how I feel and what's been going on, but my husband is VERY unforgiving. If I was to admit any sort of attraction on any level it would mean immediate separation from me. I wish it was as simple as talking to him, but our relationship is strained at the best of times. I will keep it in mind though if there is ever an opportunity for me to talk openly with him, without being judged harshly. He probably has good reason to be so harsh with me.....I do think I am the world's worse wife right now

I have started saying to my husband that I don't think it's a good idea for me to go overseas. He's really mad about that, but hopefully with time he'll settle down. I've recently heard that my hb's birth mother will be in the same country at the same time as my trip. Not ideal, since the divorce between my dad and her was very messy. Now my hb is pulling away from me quickly (seems distant in conversations and not calling as often) and he can't praise his birth mother enough, and raving about the hours and hours of phone calls they have. Up until now she didn't really want to know him. I feel hurt and think I was used as a 'replacement birth mother' until he bonded with her. He's saying that nothing changes between us, but quite obviously it has. Maybe this is what was needed to push me to cancel my trip??

I think I'm learning more and more about GSA everyday. It seems the most important bonding in life is that of a birth mother and baby (that's just my opinion - I'm sure there's stories to back up father/baby and sibling/sibling etc etc). It seems if that is interrupted, all chaos breaks loose.....shame I had to be on the end of it.

Thanks everyone for your support and advice.
Best wishes to all of you.