well here goes nothing...............part.1

[s_k_23]

dont really know wot to say and how to say it so i guess ill start at the beginign and just hope it may help some folks with there situations.

i had an average happy childhood we never wanted for much although i guess i always felt differnt, like a turd on a weding cake just didnt feel like i fitted in. i have the most loving parents and a younger brother and had at that time a good extended family with all the trimmings that go with it. i am of good intelegance although was recognised as having dyslexia from an early age and suffered as a result of this in someways looking back. i guess the first thing i noticed was aswell as birthdays and xmas i had what was called my spcial day and was given gifts and stuff by close family and my brother did also although he turned up 3 years after me. being the inquisative type i am by the age of about 5 i started to ask why i had a spcial day recognising that my friends at school did not, i was always told it was because i was spcial and when i was old enough to understand i would be told why?
life went on and looking back i never dealt very well with friendships or being told NO and i suppose NO was some type of rejection?
i was a fun loving kid to the extreems and was out the door as soon as was able up to lots of naughty fun as u would expect. around the age of 12 i asked again about my spcial day and my parents decided to tell me i was spcial because i was hand picked, i had been adopted and that made me spcial? my parents were and are still the most spcial and loving folks in the world and truly wonderfull in every way and they for me will always be my parents in my eyes.
about a year latter i started to use drugs and became addicted very quickly just tinking i was having fun. i was not a very nice person and was tottaly self seeking and horrible taking advantage of anyone that gave me chance. i dont rember much from this time it is all a bit messy inmy head. i do sadly rember arguing with my mum because of my drug problem and her asking me to sort it out or leave ! i replyed with why did you f%£king have me if u didnt want me? to witch she replyed "they warned us about ur real father being bad and we hoped it had skiped a generation but it obviously didnt !" those words were to stick with me for many years to come and i lived accordingly.
anyway by the age of 20 i was nearly dead and looking at prison and ended up in detox and rehab and got clean and at this point i can say iv been fine in that sense ever since by the grace of some sort of god thing/wot ever.
upon seeing with my own eyes it all of a sudden became important for me to trace my biological family as i felt there was this whole part of me i needed to understand. the country im in it is hard to do because it wasnt considered adopted people would ever want or need to trace untill after i was bourne. i did all i could and got knowere, untill a friend asked me to trace someone for him as he knew i knew how. to this day i dont know why i did it but while looking for him i just put in my original name and bang there it was .......
I MUST SAY AT THIS POINT THERE IS YEARS INBETWEEN IM MISSING OUT
and i had qualiffed ats a therapist and was working and in a happy relationship with a wonderfull woman for about 4.5 years...who is thankfull only just now again a good friend......i aloso had never heard of GSA even though i had to got to socilal services to find out my stuff years before !

all of a sudden i was in almost direct contact with my birth mother accept it was her husbands account etc. he asked me all odd questions about birthmarks i never had etc trying to catch me out ....eventialy through the wonders of msn i spoke to my b/mother for the first time it was so odd to say the very least and at this point looking back she was experiancing very strong GSA for me i was experiancing just genetic attraction but nothing sexual atall .....just talikin talkin talkin it was odd for me a driven feeling to comunicate with this stranger who in some odd way words fail was never a stranger. we decided to meet for the first time about a month or so later. at this point i felt i had to go to my family and let them know wot i was about to do. it caused much hurt and many tears but my mum and dad were tottal suportive although i think it was the most pain they had ever felt as it was for me to, i felt so much guilt after all the drugs i had pledged i would never hurt them again i felt like i wanted to die. i explained i wasnt looking for a mum i had one i just needed to see with my eyes this other persons eyes and for me that was really real and it was all i needed.
the day came i went to the hotel my b/mouther had booked i was full of nerves and guilt and shame but i needed to know wot i needed to know for me...! i sat in the lobby of this hotell and there she was she came over and huged me crying and just didnt let go ....it felt very over bearing and needy and i didnt feel the same need atall i wanted her to let go and i guess part of me wanted to know wot her excuse was going to be ......wich i never knew i resented being adopted till then i think and this was irronic because i was always bought up being told i was given away so i could have wot she couldnt have given me>>>>?
if im honest and i say none of this to hurt or offend people this is just my experiance and my story i got all i needed in the first 5mins of looking in this womans eyes i needed nothing els from her i felt all of a sudden more confident knowing my place in the world in some way this is the only way i can explain it ....
due to the intence feelings my b/mother i was sensitive to the situation and felt like i could not be honest about this as i did not want to hurt her feelings even though me pain was massive from my torn loyalties to my mum and dad...
the bomb shel droped i also had a younger half brother who was in prison due to his drug addiction i felt i understood this and felt a desire to meet him and maybe help him as i could do this ......i was then told i also had a half sister who had fallen out with my b/mouther this got my interest i thought at the time because i already had a brother i had grown up with even though we are very differnt we are close and adopted from differnt familys, but id never had a sister.
i went home shortly after to a very loving and understanding partner. over the next two weeks my b/mouth would call and want to talk to me for hours and it would do my head in and was starting to affect my relationship with my partner as i already had a life and i had run out of things to say.....
my birthmouth wanted me to see my half brother and this ment traveling a long way and a prison visit. also she had been able to contact my half sister who was happily married with 3 children and i was going to meet her seperatly whilst up there on my way.
i sat in a coffee bar waiting to meet my half sister we had spoken on the phone before now and i had felt intense feelings at even the sound of her voice that were so exciting i couldnt even start to tell you about but hey if u know u know wot i mean. as she walked into the coffee bar we smiled a sweet smile at each other that in some way was the deepest knowing iv ever felt, we huged and it seemed neither of us wanted to ever let go it also felt so inocent and untarnished as well as compleatly untouchable in anyway. we had coffee as she told me about her loving family with such pride and joy. we then went to meet her children and her husband. the children were so wonderfull and excited to meet there uncle it was very overwhelming to say the least. her husband was natruly i feel distrusting of me only wanting to keep his family safe after all i could have been anyone and anyway. we talked for hours and it was as if nobody in the whole world ever excisted.
there was a ddep recognition between us that id never felt befor powerfull overwelming need to be close her smell etc. my senses were compleatly blown away .......i had to leave shortly after to goto see my b/mouth and haer husband and eventialy my half brother so i said my goodbyes and they all came out and waved to me as i rode away it was so butifull a wonderfull family truly.