Help! Are there any happy endings?

[Sal]

I was reunited with my mother 3 and a half years ago, I am 29 now. I believe I fell in love with her right away. I could spend enough time with her I still can't, I've never loved anyone as completely and with the intensity that I do her. In the beginning I know I was attracted to her, she was the most beautiful woman I had ever laid eyes on, however, I was so completely messed up with all the emotional turmoil that during this time I just wanted my Mom to be my Mom even though I found her attractive. We have had a lot of extremely rough times trying to deal with so many issues and SO MUCH PAIN with all that we both lost. Anyway sometime over these past few years my feelings of attraction and love for my mother gradually became stronger and more intensified with the passing of time. Four months ago we became involved sexually (no intercourse though, but that really is beside the point to me anyway) and it's been such a hellish experience. I always want to be my mother's lover, I see her as a woman, I couldn't and know I will never fall another person like I fell for her, she means everything to do. I don't give a shit what the laws say, what the bible says, all I know is that I love her and want her and only her, she truly is the greatest friend I have ever had.
My mother's side of the story is a bit different, she to is in love with me but she struggles with the relationship. She feels that she has somehow betrayed. She believes that by being my mother that she should have acted like my mother and not my lover. I tell her that she shouldn’t look at it this way because I take full responsibility for my part in this, I am just as much an adult as her and as such am just as culpable. She doesn’t deny not loving me as a lover, which is so evident when we do get together, I know I do for her what she does for me, it's just that she sees me as her son and this causes her horrible and extremely painful shame and guilt, as such she is always telling me she can't do it anymore. So we go through our cooling off period, a time where I am completely miserable, I tell her that although she is my mother, and that I love the fact that she is my mother, I love her in other ways to. I don't care that she's my mother, it doesn't bother or shame me to know I am in love with my Mom. Anyway things always swing back the other way and we end up getting back together sexually for a couple of days and then the guilt becomes too much for her to bear, and it's not that she doesn't want to be my lover, it's the guilt she feels for not being what a 'traditional' mother should be to her son. The problem here is that I feel extreme guilt and shame for breaking my mother's heart, for not being able to just be her son, a son she ached for for 26 yrs, but I don't feel that way in relation to her. I simply can't take this back and forth relationship reversal every second week as it seems to amount. I feel like I have to physically move away from her because it kills me to be around her when she tries to act like there is nothing going on between us, something we both know is 100% untrue, and that she's just my mom and I'm just her son. I've told her this doesn't work for me, I can't stifle my feelings and push them away like she can, or tries to anyway so she can cope. The thing is I don't want to leave her, I can't Imagine my life without her and I can't imagine my life with her not being able to love her as I truly love her. I will be miserable playing solely the role of her son, it doesn't fulfill me like it once did in the beginning. When I see her I just want to grab her and kiss her sweet little face right off that gorgeous little head of hers. I don’t want to deny what is so clearly between us, a love neither of us will ever find in another, we both admit we are soulmates. I don't know what to do, I worry so much about her and what will happen to her if I break off all contact, I know how much she will hurt and suffer, having had her son she thinks the absolute world of being torn out of her life again, I feel so cruel for doing this to her, I've destroyed her dream come true. But I also don't know how I am ever going to be able to cope without her, we are so dependent on each other, and we are the absolute best of friends, we rely on each other, we help each other, but this will obviously end. I feel like I can't win if I stay and I can't win if I leave. I don't want to lose my mom and I don't want to lose the love of my life. I can’t see why love has to be so complicated, if two people are of age and both love each other then what is the problem, who gives a shit that she is my mother and I her son, that doesn’t make our love go away. I see it as a complete waste of one’s life to deny a love so deep, so true and so pure, why would you want to continue living without this amazing love. So I was just wondering for some advice and if anybody had any long term success with a mother son relationship. Thanks

[sixep666]

Hi Sal, have sent you a private msg.