Why not deny it?

[sarashane]

While I was a teen and in my early 20's I had a crush on my cousin. He held my hand once, but I withdrew it at once. I did so because I knew it was wrong. We both felt an attraction but chose not to act on it. While I can see how these attractions can happen, why do some of you on this board feel the need to act on it? Why can't you tell yourselves that this is wrong, it will hurt my family, so I won't act on this? Why put yourselves and your families in such pain?

[Diogenes]

sarashane-

I know this issue might seem simple enough to you, but you need to understand that there is a profound difference between having a fleeting crush on your cousin, and what most people on this site have experienced. I can't speak for everyone here, but I can try to explain the differences between how you see this issue and how I, as someone in a GSA relationship, see it. I'll try to come at it from several angles, in the hope that one of them may resonate with you.

First of all, I recognize that you are trying to empathize by drawing on your own experiences, and I commend you for that. Most people aren't even willing to come that far on this issue. However, you need to understand that the GSA bond is not the same animal as what you may have felt for your cousin. It's not a "crush". It's a deep-seated love based on the most powerful bond that can exist between human beings: the bond of family. A mother's love for her child, for example, isn't just strong- in most cases, it's immutable, and undeniable. That kind of love is intertwined with the romantic feelings that GSA couples experience. I know this is a nearly impossible thing for someone who has never experienced GSA to internalize, so let me try to explain it logically for you.

Human beings all have the innate natural tendency to prefer romantic partners that satisfy a few basic qualities. The physical features we find most attractive tend to be similar to our own. Body chemistry, most notably our scent plays an extremely powerful role in how we choose our mates, moreso than most people are comfortable accepting. Common interests, and psychological similarities also make people attractive to us. It doesn't take a whole lot of imagination to extrapolate from this that close family members represent our ideal mates most of the time. So, if that's the case, why aren't we all marrying our sisters?

The reason is that, from an evolutionary standpoint, this wouldn't be good for us as a species. Isolated inbreeding brings positive genetic traits to the fore, but repeated over the long term, can cripple a population by isolating and expressing negative ones. So we have evolved a psychological barrier to our natural predisposition in the form of a sexual desensitization that occurs before adolescence, called the Westermarck Effect. Basically, we find the people we grow up with (regardless of their genetics) to be sexually "icky", and this negates most of the attraction we feel for them (though not all, which leads to some complicated and interesting aspects of our psyches- see Freud).

The thing is, when two close relatives are separated during those critical years, they never form this "ick factor" that everyone else (i.e. you) takes for granted. When they're reunited, their bodies play out the natural, chemical result of this. They fall in love, and it's a more powerful love than any two unrelated people ever experience. When you add in the psychological aspects of the reunion as well- relief of loss and separation, discovery of kindred spirit, the shared experience of it all- it's no wonder that many of these couples form a bond so strong that they would risk going against society, abandoning their religious upbringings, ridicule, even the loss of their own freedom or death, to be together. Asking someone to simply "not act on those feelings" is not as simple or reasonable as is may seem to you. Personally, I don't think you, or anyone else has the right to do so. The understandable mistake that you and most others make is that because imagining yourself in my situation makes you feel icky, that that's how I should feel about it too. Try to step away from that for a moment and understand.

I am in love with my half sister in a way that I could never be with any other person in the world, because there is no other person who can understand my life from the perspective she can. I've been with many women in my life, been married, made commitments, and experienced loss like any other person. I'm not confused about what she represents. She is unique in all the world to me. Her smell, her face, the sound of her voice, the shape of her feet... everything about her is more beautiful and perfect than I could have ever imagined in a person before I met her. She's my soul mate. I wish that everyone could experience the kind of connection to someone that I have to her. It's beautiful, and I won't give it up because it makes someone else feel icky to think about it.

Moving on, you say that you "knew it was wrong" to be attracted to your cousin, but how did you know? Is it impossible for you to imagine that someone else might not feel this way, and if so, what is the justification for calling it "wrong"? Cousins actually get married in this country every day, and have done so in nearly every culture that has ever existed.

Also, how would you being with your cousin hurt your family? By not conforming to their idea of how your life should be? If you had chosen to be together, your family would either choose to accept and sanction you, or not. You have a choice and so do they. I'll never understand people's assertion that when an individual makes a private choice that only affects his own life, he can somehow "harm" another person's ideology. It's the same argument that was used against interracial marriage in the 50s, and it's used against gay marriage today.

The most important thing to bear in mind is that none of the arguments against consensual adult relationships between family members hold water logically. Most are based upon misconceptions, logical fallacies, and superstition. The others tend to be based on bigotry, and fear of the non-traditional.

I could sit here and tear these arguments down one by one, but ultimately, I cannot convince you that what I'm doing with my life isn't wrong- I can only try to explain how I feel. You will need to re-examine your own reasoning for your conflict about it, and try to see both sides of the issue if you want to really understand. I hope you do, because most people don't. They would rather dismiss us as abhorrent, and justify persecuting us using buzzwords, and empty jargon. There is plenty of scientific data to support what I've told you here, and there are plenty of real accounts on this board for you to read about. Please do, and if you want to discuss it further, I'm happy to try to help you understand.