I am dating a man who has GSA with his Bio-Mom

GSAGirlfriend · 11-21-2008, 07:40 PM

Hello,

I am hopeful that this is the right place where I can respectfully ask for some advice from people who are living with mother-son GSA. My new boyfriend (who I deeply love and am committed to 110%), was adopted at birth, and found his birth mother a few years ago. Not too long after they met, they engaged in a sexual relationship that he told me about recently. I was shocked, but after doing some research today, I realized that it's fairly common and there seems to be some really interesting and compelling reasons for the inexplicable connection and interaction that they shared sexually and now they have a very close mother/son relationship. He assured me that I have nothing to worry about with them rekindling their sexual relationship, and I trust him. However, because this is so new to me, and something I am not prepared to deal with - I don't know what to do with this information.

I have told him that I love him and support him, and that I don't see any reason why we should end our relationship - as it's very clear that we are deeply in love and have a very real future for us.

I guess what I'm asking - and I wanted to ask people who've "been there" - how do I treat him and his relationship with his mother with respect and understanding, without allowing jealousy to rear its ugly head?

He absolutely deserves to maintain this relationship with her, however she's having real problems with the fact that he has a girlfriend. I can certainly understand her fear of losing him again (which she wouldn't ever - I am a big fan of family and believe in family), but I can't help but wonder if it's jealousy and not fear? I just don't know!

One day we'll meet and hopefully have a friendship of our own, but I must admit, I'm intimidated about that, knowing their history.

I guess I really need some kind of advice on how to deal with this situation. I have a therapist that I trust, but I'm concerned that talking about it with someone outside the fold will cause more problems than we need right now.

He's a wonderful man, and I am so pleased that he's so close to his mother (I am very close with my mother as well, and believe firmly in family). This new information just kind of threw me for a loop.

Any ideas?

Thanks so much,
GSAGirlfriend

Filomenia · 11-23-2008, 04:32 PM

Hi GSAGirlfriend,

I think any advice would have to be based on your boyfriend's motives for telling you in the first place. How does your knowing about the relationship with her add any value to your relationship with him?

GSAGirlfriend · 11-25-2008, 05:10 PM

Wow, great question Filomenia!

He told me because I had (coincidentally) seen a special on TV about GSA and I was talking to him about it, knowing that he had been reunited with his mother. We started an open dialogue because I was expressing concerns I had, or perhaps feelings I had that there was something more between them. I couldn't help but feel like I was in a relationship with someone that was already married - that was the closest thing I can compare it to. I couldn't understand why he wasn't being more open with her about our relationship. So, I asked him if there was anything he thought he could tell me.

It wasn't the easiest of conversations, but I was really glad he trusted me with the information. Nothing has changed in our romantic relationship, we're still very much in love with each other and making plans for our future.

So, while I doubt that he'll ever tell her that I know about their past sexual relationship, I know it's hurting her very much that he's moved on. I want to be sensitive to her and I want her to be a part of his life in a normal mother/son way, but I just don't know how to do it while maintaining my own sanity and was hoping someone could give me some advice. There aren't many places for the partners of people in GSA relationships to find information, so I was hoping to come across someone that had to deal with a romantic partner and a GSA relationship and could give me a few pointers.

If this is the wrong forum for this, or if I've offended anyone - I'm very sorry. I'm genuinely concerned about her feelings and want her to be comfortable with me in his life.

Thank you,
GSAGirlfriend

just-me · 11-26-2008, 01:01 AM

I think you sound a really caring person. He is very lucky to have you in his life. I wish more people could show your understanding and compassion.

Blessings to you.

GSAGirlfriend · 11-26-2008, 07:36 PM

Thank you, Just-Me, that's very sweet to say.

It's hard to control some of my feelings of jealousy but I'm trying...I mean, if it was "just" another woman, it might be easier, but since they have such a powerful connection being mother and son - it's really hard for me to feel secure that he's not going to "go there" with her again. We're working on it though, with a lot of open communication and love, I feel like we're going to be ok.

She's still having a really hard time (crying a lot, wanting to not see him again, guilt filled emails, etc) with him pulling away and that's really painful for him. I don't envy his position between two strong women who love him and are terrified of losing him.

Happy Turkey Day!
Cheers,
GSAGirlfriend

Fiona · 11-27-2008, 12:08 AM

HI GSAGirlfriend

Hope you can work through it and have a great relationship with your boyfriend.

Most men I've known seem to get annoyed by jeolous, possessive, and pathetically dependant women. Keep being supportive and positive. Allow him to see his mother, give them time alone (not "that" much time),but enough to let him know you trust him, and less time that what would satisfy her. Be happy and fun - most guys will choose happy and fun over crying envious and insecure. if he loves you, he will stay with you, don't pressure him like she does. Make he feel like a man.
Anyway, that is just my view on men, not really on GSA.
Good luck

Fiona.

Filomenia · 11-28-2008, 11:38 AM

Hi GSAGirlfriend,

I sent you a private message.

GSAGirlfriend · 11-28-2008, 09:40 PM

Hey Fiona,

Thank you SO much for sending that reply - it's true! That's the best advice for any man, and it certainly applies here. Luckily, everything between us is happy and fun, and I know he's very satisfied with what we have. I have to keep reminding myself that the more she tortures him with the guilt-trip ridden emails...the harder it is for him to be with her.

It just breaks my heart that she feels so personally affronted by his desire to move on and be with his friends and me. I will just keep hoping and praying that eventually, she'll be able to move forward and they will be able to have a good, healthy relationship together - and eventually, we all can be good friends! (He and my mom adore each other - and I want to have a similar relationship with her! She sounds awesome and definitely someone that I'd enjoy!)

Anyway, I think I'm doing ok with all of this, so I will leave the public area of the forum (and if anyone wants to send me a PM, I would welcome that) so that I don't distract the people that are on here for more important personal reasons. I wish you all the best and hope that whatever is meant to be - happens.

Blessings,
GSAGirlfriend

11-21-2008, 07:40 PM	#1
GSAGirlfriend Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 4	I respectfully need advice about my romantic partner and his bio-Mom.... Hello, I am hopeful that this is the right place where I can respectfully ask for some advice from people who are living with mother-son GSA. My new boyfriend (who I deeply love and am committed to 110%), was adopted at birth, and found his birth mother a few years ago. Not too long after they met, they engaged in a sexual relationship that he told me about recently. I was shocked, but after doing some research today, I realized that it's fairly common and there seems to be some really interesting and compelling reasons for the inexplicable connection and interaction that they shared sexually and now they have a very close mother/son relationship. He assured me that I have nothing to worry about with them rekindling their sexual relationship, and I trust him. However, because this is so new to me, and something I am not prepared to deal with - I don't know what to do with this information. I have told him that I love him and support him, and that I don't see any reason why we should end our relationship - as it's very clear that we are deeply in love and have a very real future for us. I guess what I'm asking - and I wanted to ask people who've "been there" - how do I treat him and his relationship with his mother with respect and understanding, without allowing jealousy to rear its ugly head? He absolutely deserves to maintain this relationship with her, however she's having real problems with the fact that he has a girlfriend. I can certainly understand her fear of losing him again (which she wouldn't ever - I am a big fan of family and believe in family), but I can't help but wonder if it's jealousy and not fear? I just don't know! One day we'll meet and hopefully have a friendship of our own, but I must admit, I'm intimidated about that, knowing their history. I guess I really need some kind of advice on how to deal with this situation. I have a therapist that I trust, but I'm concerned that talking about it with someone outside the fold will cause more problems than we need right now. He's a wonderful man, and I am so pleased that he's so close to his mother (I am very close with my mother as well, and believe firmly in family). This new information just kind of threw me for a loop. Any ideas? Thanks so much, GSAGirlfriend Last edited by GSAGirlfriend : 11-22-2008 at 05:55 PM. Reason: I didn't feel like my original title said what I wanted.

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11-23-2008, 04:32 PM	#2
Filomenia Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Canada Posts: 2	Hi GSAGirlfriend, I think any advice would have to be based on your boyfriend's motives for telling you in the first place. How does your knowing about the relationship with her add any value to your relationship with him?

11-25-2008, 05:10 PM	#3
GSAGirlfriend Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 4	Wow, great question Filomenia! He told me because I had (coincidentally) seen a special on TV about GSA and I was talking to him about it, knowing that he had been reunited with his mother. We started an open dialogue because I was expressing concerns I had, or perhaps feelings I had that there was something more between them. I couldn't help but feel like I was in a relationship with someone that was already married - that was the closest thing I can compare it to. I couldn't understand why he wasn't being more open with her about our relationship. So, I asked him if there was anything he thought he could tell me. It wasn't the easiest of conversations, but I was really glad he trusted me with the information. Nothing has changed in our romantic relationship, we're still very much in love with each other and making plans for our future. So, while I doubt that he'll ever tell her that I know about their past sexual relationship, I know it's hurting her very much that he's moved on. I want to be sensitive to her and I want her to be a part of his life in a normal mother/son way, but I just don't know how to do it while maintaining my own sanity and was hoping someone could give me some advice. There aren't many places for the partners of people in GSA relationships to find information, so I was hoping to come across someone that had to deal with a romantic partner and a GSA relationship and could give me a few pointers. If this is the wrong forum for this, or if I've offended anyone - I'm very sorry. I'm genuinely concerned about her feelings and want her to be comfortable with me in his life. Thank you, GSAGirlfriend

11-26-2008, 01:01 AM	#4
just-me Junior Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Posts: 14	I think you sound a really caring person. He is very lucky to have you in his life. I wish more people could show your understanding and compassion. Blessings to you.

11-26-2008, 07:36 PM	#5
GSAGirlfriend Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 4	Thank you, Just-Me, that's very sweet to say. It's hard to control some of my feelings of jealousy but I'm trying...I mean, if it was "just" another woman, it might be easier, but since they have such a powerful connection being mother and son - it's really hard for me to feel secure that he's not going to "go there" with her again. We're working on it though, with a lot of open communication and love, I feel like we're going to be ok. She's still having a really hard time (crying a lot, wanting to not see him again, guilt filled emails, etc) with him pulling away and that's really painful for him. I don't envy his position between two strong women who love him and are terrified of losing him. Happy Turkey Day! Cheers, GSAGirlfriend

11-27-2008, 12:08 AM	#6
Fiona Junior Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Australia Posts: 13	HI GSAGirlfriend Hope you can work through it and have a great relationship with your boyfriend. Most men I've known seem to get annoyed by jeolous, possessive, and pathetically dependant women. Keep being supportive and positive. Allow him to see his mother, give them time alone (not "that" much time),but enough to let him know you trust him, and less time that what would satisfy her. Be happy and fun - most guys will choose happy and fun over crying envious and insecure. if he loves you, he will stay with you, don't pressure him like she does. Make he feel like a man. Anyway, that is just my view on men, not really on GSA. Good luck Fiona.

11-28-2008, 11:38 AM	#7
Filomenia Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Canada Posts: 2	Hi GSAGirlfriend, I sent you a private message.

11-28-2008, 09:40 PM	#8
GSAGirlfriend Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 4	Hey Fiona, Thank you SO much for sending that reply - it's true! That's the best advice for any man, and it certainly applies here. Luckily, everything between us is happy and fun, and I know he's very satisfied with what we have. I have to keep reminding myself that the more she tortures him with the guilt-trip ridden emails...the harder it is for him to be with her. It just breaks my heart that she feels so personally affronted by his desire to move on and be with his friends and me. I will just keep hoping and praying that eventually, she'll be able to move forward and they will be able to have a good, healthy relationship together - and eventually, we all can be good friends! (He and my mom adore each other - and I want to have a similar relationship with her! She sounds awesome and definitely someone that I'd enjoy!) Anyway, I think I'm doing ok with all of this, so I will leave the public area of the forum (and if anyone wants to send me a PM, I would welcome that) so that I don't distract the people that are on here for more important personal reasons. I wish you all the best and hope that whatever is meant to be - happens. Blessings, GSAGirlfriend