This is the brother of BAD4HIM

[bad4him]

Hello Everyone,

My sister we will call her "M" and call myself "A" for now. She told me about her posts and has allowed me to use her sign on to reply as I do not want my wife to see this right now. First off I want to say I love my sister very much. The pain that she is going through is unbelievable and worry about her a lot. She is a wonderful very intelligent woman that has been through more than she deserves.

On another note, I too have been through a lot as well. I was the one that initiated the "bond" between us and feel very badly about that now. I was very much beside myself when it all happened. Long story short, my wife and I do not and for the record have not had a "bad' marriage. Yes, lacking in areas as most are after many years, mostly sexual. None the less she is the most gorgeous, courages, warm person I have ever known. Her libido was never like mine and I knew that and was bothered by that for years but never really said much or now I know enough. We had kids, bills and both worked full time jobs. We faught on ocassion which we all do, but never really that bad. So, when me and my sis met I was not attracted to her at that time. She was pretty, still is, funny and very different than my wife. After a family gathering we started talking on the phone and getting to know one another and it did start off slow, all knew is that we could talk about anything and everything and I have not done so in such a long time.

We had met about 6 years prior, when I met my other sis and brother (1/2 as well) they are have the same parents, we share a father. Moving forward, we talked a lot for about 2 months, at least once a day. At that time I found myself strangely thinking about her all the time, did not know why. We dug deepre into our personal lives and that is where it all went wrong. We started talking about our spouses and the flaws they have instead of the good they have...we were selfish. She, like myself has a high sex drive and her husband did not, so as you see, we were already on the wrong path. One conversation lead to another and then it happened, I told her I loved her. She knew what I was feeling as she was feeling the same. It took us both by surprise. That moved the conversations to a whole new level, dangerous level should I say. She and I were talking about what we missed in our lives that we had many years ago with our spouse and WHY did they not wanth us blah blah blah. So, finally as we were all drinkling it happened, we kissed. It was wonderful and exciting and scary all at the same time. The next day we were both embarassed and tried not to act like something had happened, but I could feel it boiling inside. We talked anout what happened and opened the door a little more for more,what I call now "spouse bashing". Instead of realizing that we were just missing what we have not had on along time, we started to find blame in our others, bad mistake. As we all know with ANY affair, you tend to lie or say stretch the truth about your marriage. It happens all the time. Sadly enough that makes you start feeling or believing you are NOT in love with your spouse any longer because of what is happening now with your relative. It surprises me now how bad I was behind my wifes back, not my style AT ALLm nor my sisters.

Next, we started talking more and more, it felt like we could not get enough of each other. My wife made a few comments here and there which I dismissed as her being jealous and insecure, she left it alone, for a while. As things progressed my sis and I would make sure we could see each other even if in a family setting as long as we we could be around one another. We had fun, all of us and drank quite a bit. I would find myself dreaming of her at night and day dreaming about her during the day, as I did my wife for years, I knew then I was in trouble. One night we drank a lot and it happened, we fell into each others arms, we were expecting it and made love. It was so great I could not believe what I was feeling. Of course the next day I felt scared, strange and mostly gulity because I have never cheated on my wife ever. My sis felt the same. We both cried and could not believe what was happening, but at the same time did not know how to stop. We KNEW, key word here, KNEW it was so wrong as she had never strayed either. The more we talked the more we found excuses to stop and not to stop, we were addicted. As things progressed we had to be careful because we were now telling lies and hiding calls and love notes etc....it was getting dangerous and careless to say the least. Finally my wife overheard a conversation ( we had slept together 5 times now) and went nuts, as expected. I told her she was crazy and I loved her very much but not in a sexual way and tried so hard to make her believe she was the doing wrong by assuming we were having an affair. Now, at this time I was scared to death, but still was not wanting to let go of my sis. So, I tried the calm thing for a week, but I could not even look at her or touch her without feeling sick, my wife that is. I felt as I was the worst person on the planet and I was scum, but at the same time was so angry that she found out, like it was her fault, how messed up is that. So, I told my sis what she said and she thought we were having an affair etc. she agreed to just let it pass. Well, that is when it all hit the fan and splattered all over US. She caught us again talking and made sure someone else heard it to, I could not get out of it this time.

So, I broke down and told her that we kissed and touched a little and felt things for her I did not understand, but I was SURE I was NOT in love with her and to please forgive me. Oddly enough she had already mentioned GSA and I did not care. So, I then brought up GSA and that was like a slap in the face to her as she TRIED to let me know and I did not listen, but I knew. She wanted a divorce and was taking my kids, it was at that moment looking at her that I realized what was happening, like I was coming out of a cloud. My heart pounded, my stomach ached and my body was shaking, I had f----- up everything and for what? I called my sis in a panic and she was as well wondering if my wife was going to call the family and her husband. She did not. She wanted to, but she is not that type of lady, she is a lady. She left me and went to her mom's and refused my calls. I could not sleep work, eat or think straight for 8 days, I thought I was about to die and I was inside. I was LOST without her not my sis as I thought I would be at one point. I had 8 days to think of what an ASS I was to my wife, kids and especially myself for what I had done. I was living a nightmare instead of the dream I thought I was living for 4 months with my sis. I cannot express in words what I was feeling, except HELL. Everything I had built and loved and strived to be was now a big lie and worse, GONE. I did not know what to do....so I went to my mother - in-law (yes that was scary) and told her all of it, except the sexual part ( no, I have not confessed to that yet as I do NOT want her to hurt because of my stupidity anymore ) We talked and she said she was very disappointed in me, but knew her daughter loved me very much. She encouraged her believe it or not to talk to me and to try and forgive not just me but my sister as well. Of course that did not happen right away, but she is getting there. She came home and wew talked and cried and yelled and cried and opened up as we have never before, as I looked at her I had never seen such a beautiful woman in all my life inside and out. I was so ashamed.

My sis tried to talk to her, but she was not ready as she may never be ready. But she did tell her that she would not tell her husband and kids. She also told her not to call as she would call when she could talk to her once again, no promises. She now struggles with it everyday and I have to watch her. She is sad mostly, angry and very much lost at the moment. I wish and pray that I could take it all back. Not only have I done something that can never be taken back, I have ruined the life we could have all had as a family with my sis and the others....GOD what have I done?

The reason I am here telling you all this is because of my sis. She wants everyone to know and see that as much as you think you MAY be in love with your relative, you are probably not. Any affair will make your spouse look less in your eyes than the other new person, period...GSA or not. YOu have to get away from it realize what it really is, just plain out selfish as you are missing something in your marriage that you think you have found in another. If anyone is reading this and you are married or have a significant other, STOP what you doing before it is too late. GO to your spouse and tell them what you need or what you want from your amrriage and see if they are willing to love you the way you love them. Do not wait until TOO much damage is done and you ruin MANY lives, not just your own.

I hope my story helps someone here, that is why I am doing this....and sis you are the best I love you very much, as I sister and I happy to say that !

[Gusoir03]

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