I just want to be with my bmom... - Page 2

sixep666 · 11-19-2007, 02:14 AM

Hi young26shes,
Totally agree with you about the love issue. It's that first and foremost, then the G.S.A.

Reunited birth son · 03-12-2008, 11:12 PM

It has been a long time since I have posted here (in fact I had to create a new log in). After intense feelings immediately after the reunion with my bmom, I started to stop feeling like a kid who needed her there all of the time to feeling like a man who had a wife and kid of his own. I told my bmom I needed time to myself. She took it pretty hard but understood. Since then I talk to her about once a month. I have not seen her for a while but will see her in one week.

I learned that I have a constant need. I need someone to fall in love with me. When I fall in love or someone else falls in love with me the feelings are so intense. There isn't a care in the world. I love talking all day, emailing all day, talking to someone first thing in the morning and then late at night. I love being told I am all of these wonderful things (I admit I am cute..lol! but I am not perfect!). I love feeling like the center of someone's world. I love being told I am so sweet, so nice, and so unlike anyone they have ever met. But then a point comes when the falling in love phase starts to fade and that is when I start to think of leaving. Overall, it is like I am trying to win a woman over to give me so much attention, to not let me go, to think of me all of the time, to hold me forever, to be sweet to me, to care for me..really to in a way be that birth mother to me, the birth mother that has been in my dreams my whole life. And when I fall in love things happen quickly...like spending the rest of our lives together comes up very very soon. And this has happened over and over again and even while I have been married!

You would think that meeting my birth mother would have resolved this need but it didn't it. Maybe it is because my birth mother said things that made me feel guilty for having my own family for doing anything else but spending time with her. Or maybe it is because I will never get over the fear of someone leaving me so I know when the falling in love stage happens I feel like someone will never want to leave me they will want to be right next to me all of the time. Or maybe I am afraid that after the falling in love stage fades someone will see the real me and reject me.

I just want someone to love me and to be sweet to me (my wife is not sweet to me) and never let me go. Anyone out there? just kidding. I know I have to deal with this or I will never have a healthy relationship.

Thanks for listening!

5Kmom · 03-13-2008, 09:17 PM

Dear Reunited Birth Son - it was good to see you post again. It sounds like you have been doing some deep thinking and have learned a lot about what you need. The adoption/separation experience does leave wounds (for all the involved separated parties). Some are able to work through and heal those wounds, but all who do have their own time schedule for that to happen. It is possible that your birth mom was somewhat "jealous" of your family and it is possible that she manipulated your feelings at the time of your reunion. It is also possible that her own wounds masked her ability to see that her actions were hurtful to you. I'm sure that hurting you was not what she wanted to do, but our actions do impact the lives of those around us. It is also possible that, during that time, your own intense feelings colored your reality. Either way, it sounds like you are looking at the situation a little more clearly now. Be patient with yourself. Continue to discover what you need and what motivates you - so that you can make good choices that lead you in the direction you want to go in life. Be forgiving of others who also may have a hard time seeing how their actions are driven by their own pain. I feel so happy that you have moved through some of the struggles you were having before. Stay in touch!
5Kmom

11-19-2007, 02:14 AM	#11
sixep666 Junior Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: England Posts: 15	Agree Hi young26shes, Totally agree with you about the love issue. It's that first and foremost, then the G.S.A.

03-12-2008, 11:12 PM	#12
Reunited birth son Junior Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 1	Figure something out It has been a long time since I have posted here (in fact I had to create a new log in). After intense feelings immediately after the reunion with my bmom, I started to stop feeling like a kid who needed her there all of the time to feeling like a man who had a wife and kid of his own. I told my bmom I needed time to myself. She took it pretty hard but understood. Since then I talk to her about once a month. I have not seen her for a while but will see her in one week. I learned that I have a constant need. I need someone to fall in love with me. When I fall in love or someone else falls in love with me the feelings are so intense. There isn't a care in the world. I love talking all day, emailing all day, talking to someone first thing in the morning and then late at night. I love being told I am all of these wonderful things (I admit I am cute..lol! but I am not perfect!). I love feeling like the center of someone's world. I love being told I am so sweet, so nice, and so unlike anyone they have ever met. But then a point comes when the falling in love phase starts to fade and that is when I start to think of leaving. Overall, it is like I am trying to win a woman over to give me so much attention, to not let me go, to think of me all of the time, to hold me forever, to be sweet to me, to care for me..really to in a way be that birth mother to me, the birth mother that has been in my dreams my whole life. And when I fall in love things happen quickly...like spending the rest of our lives together comes up very very soon. And this has happened over and over again and even while I have been married! You would think that meeting my birth mother would have resolved this need but it didn't it. Maybe it is because my birth mother said things that made me feel guilty for having my own family for doing anything else but spending time with her. Or maybe it is because I will never get over the fear of someone leaving me so I know when the falling in love stage happens I feel like someone will never want to leave me they will want to be right next to me all of the time. Or maybe I am afraid that after the falling in love stage fades someone will see the real me and reject me. I just want someone to love me and to be sweet to me (my wife is not sweet to me) and never let me go. Anyone out there? just kidding. I know I have to deal with this or I will never have a healthy relationship. Thanks for listening!

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03-13-2008, 09:17 PM	#13
5Kmom Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Posts: 38	Dear Reunited Birth Son - it was good to see you post again. It sounds like you have been doing some deep thinking and have learned a lot about what you need. The adoption/separation experience does leave wounds (for all the involved separated parties). Some are able to work through and heal those wounds, but all who do have their own time schedule for that to happen. It is possible that your birth mom was somewhat "jealous" of your family and it is possible that she manipulated your feelings at the time of your reunion. It is also possible that her own wounds masked her ability to see that her actions were hurtful to you. I'm sure that hurting you was not what she wanted to do, but our actions do impact the lives of those around us. It is also possible that, during that time, your own intense feelings colored your reality. Either way, it sounds like you are looking at the situation a little more clearly now. Be patient with yourself. Continue to discover what you need and what motivates you - so that you can make good choices that lead you in the direction you want to go in life. Be forgiving of others who also may have a hard time seeing how their actions are driven by their own pain. I feel so happy that you have moved through some of the struggles you were having before. Stay in touch! 5Kmom