GSA is unbearable!

[roeschoice]

I haven't posted for a while, and I feel I need to after reading some posts recently.

Has anyone ever thought of GSA as being a gift? It is a gift beyond measure simply because of WHAT it is. GSA is the gift of true love, real love (to use Lost's phrase) spiritual love that has reached two people so that they may heal. And it was no accident, aberration or a freakish event. It is the result of an original separation and GSA is the gift we are given back to do whatever feels "right" for ourselves. Because THAT is love.

The very first person we must give Love to when we enter into a GSA relationship is to Ourselves. This is when the healing begins. Until we can truly love ourselves first in this and any experience, we are not able to give love openly, honestly, without manipulation or control, to any other. We simply allow others to be who they need to be in this, and we work on giving ourselves all the love we can muster. This is true healing.

There is no such thing as Unrequited Love - there is ONLY Love. That is all there is. Nobody is obsessed with another person in this particular experience when we learn, through our own healing that it is not something that is simply an Emotional response, as some would have you believe. GSA is not just an emotion or we would not feel this way for another.

I was so very sorry to read Lost's words when she referred to DUMPING love on another. Loving another human being is not Dumping... if we feel rejected in this love, then we deal with those feelings of rejection AS Rejection, and we move on. But true healing will allow us to continue holding love for that person who "rejected" us and for ourselves for offering it freely. Sadly, in many GSA relationships, it is not ourselves who are being rejected, it is the idea of what this love is, it is the idea of GSA - or you would not have felt that connection so deeply. You would not have felt Love - period. The rejection is about rejecting "the idea" of GSA in the first instance. Because so many people see it as Wrong. Love, in any form is not wrong... it simply IS.

So, for any of you who are feeling the helplessness and seemingly hoplessness of a GSA experience, and who remain in the pain of what you believe it to be, try looking at this as a gift. You do not have to shower love and affection on anybody else. THIS IS NOT ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE! It is about you and your own experience. Allow yourself some time, each day do one tiny wee thing to remove that pain you are feeling, because that pain is from an original loss, from many years ago.

It is the loss of love we had for ourselves. GSA is the gift we were given so that we could find our way back to that feeling of love. Who remembers what that felt like? That pure unadultered wonder and awe of "true love" that had no boundaries. For some, it was spiritual - or it wouldn't have felt so pure and so right in the first place. That is the feeling we feel such pain over, that is at the bottom of the pain we feel when we feel that rejection. That perfect love was there, just for a short time, and then it was gone!? No, it hasn't gone, you only need to find it within yourself first again, and then who knows what you might find once you can move out of that painful place within yourself.

In your heart of hearts, that person you felt such love for, is the one who will heal you, by offering them only unconditional love, every day. That person you were so connected to may feel the same as you do, but the fear is that it is GSA. Imagine if the love you felt for this person, and he wasn't related to you? Would that stop you from offering him/her love without worrying that you may or may not be loved back? Don't we all just offer others love, without expectation of getting anything in return? We don't have to be loved back you know? We just have to know HOW to love. That is where we find our own peace.

This is GSA. It is not needy. It is not an obsession. It is not an emotional response. It is love. We have it for a reason. We just need to look inside to find what gift that has brought us. Yes it is painful. Yes it is so damned debillitating. Yes you feel as though someone is sitting on top of your heart and squeezing the very breath you breathe out of your lungs, but ---- if you can just take a moment to truly feel that initial response before you felt the rejection - you will know this as only Love. And do not judge it. Do not let anybody else judge it for you. We all have GSA, but everybody experiences it differently to others because of the original separation that created it in the first place and the response that the person you fell in love with reflects back to you. You have GSA. Not because you are sick or perverted or needy or anything else. You have GSA because you were separated. How you are feeling now is "normal" in the adoption/separation arena. This is normal. This is what happens to people who were removed from their original family/families, and this is the fallout from what happened THEN. GSA only happens in this arena. It does not happen to others who have not been separated. Once you come to understand that, perhaps you may begin to feel better about yourself.

How you choose to continue from here on is up to you, but remaining in a place of complete pain, will only harm you. Trust me, I too have been in that place and it is dark, frightening and so very confusing. YOu can move out of that place, one baby step after another. It takes time is all. So, stop beating yourself up, you cannot help what happened to you because it is NOT emotional in any way. Take some deep breaths, teach yourself to just relax, even for a few minutes every hour, trust in yourself that you will truly be okay. This intensity of these feelings do diminish over time, they never go away, but they can be managed more easily. Once you "get" GSA, you will always have it. Sorry, but thats a fact, but you can move through it in a way that will be your gift to yourself - and to your brother. Honest!!!

And once you stop judging yourself as being "bad" - others will stop their judgement of you. When we all stop judging ourselves in this, maybe the love that was meant to be, will be allowed to be.

In stillness and love
Roe

[cedarforest]

Roe,
You are absolutely entitled to your opinions & observations, just as we are. Some on this site would disagree strongly with some of your statements, & those same people would probably agree with others.

This is my observation & opinion, of your post, for what it's worth. You make many statements, based on YOUR feelings & experience (which is fine), but you do not preface your statements as such. If you do not preface your statements with such a disclaimer, then I would expect you to give common examples to back up your statements. When I post, I certainly try to do that (give examples), or to state that I'm speaking merely from opinion & experiences. I see many statements from you, but no examples to back them up. Nor do I see where you say these statements are merely YOUR opinion. Each of us are entitled to express ourselves from that standpoint, but it's grossly misleading to make statements that are merely our opinion/reflections, & state them as fact.

And, for the record, I do feel that GSA/GA is a gift, as I've said many times. I also feel that "crossing the line" is a bad decision, to how we react to that gift. Crossing the line, is a action (choice) we make, while the GSA/GA is something we have no choice about. The judging ourselves as bad, b/c we have the feelings, isn't proper, or useful. The judging ourselves negatively, b/c we choose a bad choice, or judging ourselves favorably when we make a good choice, is indeed (IMO), something that's healthy & can result in healing. Just my thoughts.--cedarforest

[roeschoice]

errr, you've lost me on this.

I have to preface my posts with a disclaimer now? I someone going to sue me for saying something you or someone else disagrees with on this site?

Which parts would you like me to preface with a disclaimer and I will do my very best to appease your sensibility on my own experience. I wonder which of those couples out there who have made a choice to be together would tell you that their decision was a bad one? Because from the things I know and understand, being together in a committed relationship is the very best thing for them both. That is prefaced by the disclaimer that I've spoken to a few happy couples both here and on the other site who do not feel that it has been bad or wrong but feel nothing but love and respect for each other in their relationship. They grow together in love, their bonds are stronger as they work towards a healthy loving relationship.

GSA issues are really like peeling back the layers of an onion. It is not a simple thing. It is love, trying to find its way. That's all.
roe

[cedarforest]

No, you certainly do not have to preface your posts. My point was exactly what I said. I don't see how you got lost. Why not read it again? However, if you want to have credibility, it seems to me, that in making such statements as, "there is no such thing as unrequieted love", you would be able to back it up. Especially when it's obvious that it's NOT true. I personally have lived thru dozens of relationships where there was "unrequited love". It simply means that both people don't feel the same degree of commitment. Happens ALL the time. Even in GSA relationships.

That is only one example of statements made by you, that would hold more credibility (to me, at least), if you would either make your point by giving examples, or by simply saying that these are your thoughts/feelings/observations.

So many people come here needing help, & are in a state of utter confusion & despair. While your posts may be ok for a select few that frequent here, it's not what (IMO), is going to give resolution to what the majority on this site are looking for. That's not to say your "thoughts/feelings/observations are unwelcome. But it's also fine for me to give my thoughts to your posts. The interchange is one of the reasons for this site. BUT, to give help & support is the main reason. Maybe you & I just disagree on what support & help is, to people in distress, as soconfused was (who started this thread). If you notice the thread you replied to, & the majority of the experiences that people relate on this site, they are very unhappy & looking for relief.

That's not to say that you have to preface anything, it just seems a reasonable thing to do, if we're advocating a position to take, in situations of the magitude as GSA.--cedarforest

[cedarforest]

I went back & looked at your post. Loe & behold, you titled it "Thoughts" on GSA. So, I owe you an apology. I guess I went off half-cocked, after I read your entire post. I failed to see how you titled it. Sorry about that.--cedarforest

[roeschoice]

Unrequited love is simply love that wasn't returned in the way we ourselves wanted it to be returned. If we learn to offer love, purely and simply without any expectation of that love being returned, then we are offering it without manipulation or control, and it cannot hurt or harm us. If love is offered without any conditions and it wasn't returned, it is not unrequited. It just meant that we put too much emphasis on getting love back in the way WE wanted.

We love our children. As they are. We love our friends. As they are. We love our partners. As they are. If we want or expect anyone to change then we don't truly love them. We are placing conditions on the love we have of them which says, I will only love you if you do this thing, this way.

What I see happening here, in this forum is the same thing. Everyone speaks of love, but there are conditions placed on people when they don't follow the same path or beleif systems that others have.

For instance, when someone enters into this forum, they are welcome, and are supported, up to a point. They are told they are loved and supported, but they must never ever cross that line because it is bad and wrong to do so.

What I am going to ask you, Cedar, Lost and others here, is, if you are offering love and support to others, how is it that you tell them something they are doing is wrong and bad?

Love is and should be unconditional. We say to those here "I see you. I see you are in pain. You fell in love someone who is related to you. This is your journey to do with as you wish and because I love you I will support you."

Whether someone chooses to cross the line or not is up to them. No one person should be dissuaded from making their own choices because it is not up to us to say what is right or what is wrong FOR THEM!

How do we know that entering into a loving relationship with another person might be the very best thing for them in their growth and healing? How do we know that we might be stopping them from something that is much needed in their lives right now, at this moment? Who are we to judge that for another?

That to me is unconditonal love. Any love that is not offered in spirit of true acceptance is a love that is "unrequieted" - because it was offered with conditons attached.

No love is unrequited when we offer it simply as I love you enough to do what is best for yourself.

That is the gift GSA has given me.

With love and respect
Roe

[art4me]

Originally Posted by roeschoice

How do we know that entering into a loving relationship with another person might be the very best thing for them in their growth and healing? How do we know that we might be stopping them from something that is much needed in their lives right now, at this moment? Who are we to judge that for another?

That to me is unconditonal love. Any love that is not offered in spirit of true acceptance is a love that is "unrequieted" - because it was offered with conditons attached.

No love is unrequited when we offer it simply as I love you enough to do what is best for yourself.

Roe,

You bring many good points to the table. I like to think adding different colors to the pallet expands the monochromatic (single color that is limited to shades and tones of that color) to polychrome (using multiple colors). The color you add is seen and heard. It takes lots of voices to make a choir stronger.

I think in many ways you and Lostsister as well as others, including me, do have a similar foundation.

One, we all want what is best for other's who come to this website, aiding them with knowledge and hopefully some relief.

Two, there has been a dissection of what 'love' is how it is experienced and given. In many of lostsister's posts she often speaks of the love you do. You wrote:

It is the loss of love we had for ourselves. GSA is the gift we were given so that we could find our way back to that feeling of love. Who remembers what that felt like? That pure unadultered wonder and awe of "true love" that had no boundaries. For some, it was spiritual - or it wouldn't have felt so pure and so right in the first place. That is the feeling we feel such pain over, that is at the bottom of the pain we feel when we feel that rejection. That perfect love was there, just for a short time, and then it was gone!? No, it hasn't gone, you only need to find it within yourself first again, and then who knows what you might find once you can move out of that painful place within yourself.

I can hear lostsister throughout that whole paragraph and I believe what you say to be true.

I think what is happening from an artist point of view is that we are all looking at the same sculpture but at different angles. You might see the front and describe it one way, while someone views the back and sees it a different way? Are either right or wrong?

GSA is multidimensional. That is why I feel it is important to have multi-voices on this forum.

Where I support Cedar and his unwavering sincerity to help other's is that, not all who come to the forum have the opportunity to experience all the bliss of GSA and all the sexual responses it pulls from people. What about those who are already established in a marriage and then experience GSA with another. What if the GSA person has children, or they GSA partner has children or both? Sometimes we need Cedar's color to speak for the one's who can not speak here, the silent casualties to the un-boundary love.

People then are pulled, confused, not sure what to do. It is no longer that the love is unrequited or not, but more so, how to manage the emotional and life changes that are intense and unending.

Loving other's as you mentioned.. "No love is unrequited when we offer it simply as I love you enough to do what is best for yourself." Is a high bar to arise too. A lot of people never had this demonstrated for them, I can say I was one of them. In my household love did have conditions. Same as with my GSA with my bdad. It is not that they are 'bad' people, they loved the best they could. How do we learn to love in that way, if we have not healed that wound within ourselves and found a way to mend it on our own. Mending it by giving ourselves first that Unconditional love.

I believe you agree, as you mentioned, "Once you "get" GSA, you will always have it. Sorry, but thats a fact, but you can move through it in a way that will be your gift to yourself - and to your brother. Honest!!!"

Like I said, I think we are looking at the same sculpture just seeing different angles. And some of the sculpture we can all agree on.

It may take some people more time than others' to find that beautiful love within themselves. Until that happens, support and knowledge is what is being sought. The intentions of all of this on the forum come from a good place. They just might be perceived differently because they provoke something within us.

Warmly and colorfully. art4me

[lostsister]

Originally Posted by roeschoice

What I am going to ask you, Cedar, Lost and others here, is, if you are offering love and support to others, how is it that you tell them something they are doing is wrong and bad?

Hi Roe,

Good to see you make an appearance, its been some time.....

I do believe we all offer LOVE and Support to the best of our capabilities.....Often when someone is in the beginning Phases of a GSA relationship they are so swept up by their emotions that they are unable to determine for themselves if what they are considering is the best thing to do.

Speaking for myself .. I dont believe I have ever told anyone they are wrong or Bad..however...I dont hesitate to point a person in another direction if I can SEE that what they are contemplating has the potential to HARM them...

Its very easy to say to someone "Yes yes, you are fine, we understand etc etc...."but To really give a person your LOVING Support means that you are willing to offer them protection , at the risk of copping a backhander to yourself.

Fortunately , we are united as a community , and I believe have become very STRONG in the support that we can offer..
If my Words dont sit well with you, there is always someone around who can say it better than me.

Overall your words and sentiments reflect the inner most feelings of most of us here...

Thank you for your valuable contribution.

[roeschoice]

they are so swept up by their emotions that they are unable to determine for themselves if what they are considering is the best thing to do.

I think this type of comment is what I have a problem with. And there have been many like it.

I absolutely understand that in the beginning there is pain, confusion, an ache that just won't quit, so we acknowledge that. Just that. but as for telling someone how they have to be, or assume that they are feeling this way or that way, then how are we supporting them?

People MUST be allowed to determine for themselves where they wish to be in this. This is how we learn.

The best thing to do is what they choose because if we tell others what to choose and how to choose, we are interfering in something that is not our business. We are manipulating from our own experience.

We are saying to them, Oh, this is so damned horrible, don't go there, you'll only get hurt if you do this, if you love them this way, it's gonna bite you on your behind, but if you do this thing that we tell you, then hey, it's all gonna be okay.

That's not how I see this at all. Because every single situation is so very different from one person to another. No two relationships are the same here. Mine is different to yours. As Art4me's is as different to somebody else. But we have all experienced GSA, or rather, the feelings it elicits from us.

We can only deal with the feelings, here, not someone else's choice. Does anyone understand what I mean here?

With love and respect
Roe

[myshadow]

Originally Posted by lostsister

Its very easy to say to someone "Yes yes, you are fine, we understand etc etc...."but To really give a person your LOVING Support means that you are willing to offer them protection , at the risk of copping a backhander to yourself

There are times when "tough love" is needed. My case in point.
If I had not recieved that type of love during my confusion and despair,
I would have continued down a dark path that could have destroyed not only
me but my family as well.

If we all just pat each other on the back and say oh, its gona be ok, we get no where fast. This site wouldn't be here because everyone would be out doing what they wanted, without thinking of the harm it could cause others.

I have been "heavy handed" at times but thats my way of showing that I do care what happens to people. The last thing I want is for anyone to endure what I did. Protection as Lostsister says.

I have risked sharing my thoughts and have been "raked over the coals" for it.
But Im still here. Wanting to help.

Now that I have my comman sense back (after being in a heavy glazed over fog) I will continue to do what I can for my community.

Roe, your post was sweet and lovely. I understand that you are just trying to help. You are one of the "lucky" few that have a "secure" relationship with your significant other.
Most of the people here don't have that pleasure. They are experiencing pain and heartbreak. The most comman question is I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO.

Should we just say go ahead and do what you feel?
I'm sorry, but I can't agree with that. If someone had warned me of the consequences before hand, It NEVER would have happened.

Unfortunately for me, I didn't find this site until lines were already crossed. Too many things had been said and done. The damage was already in progress.
It would have continued if someone had not showed me some TOUGH LOVE.

My story turned out like so many others here. We find the one missing from our lives and we end up losing them all over again.
Why? Because we had sex.