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[BarbGonyo]

Hello Alana,
I'm sorry to hear that you haven't received answers to your questions and painful situation. I say painful because as a birthmother who experienced these feelings for many years, I can honestly say it was very painful.

I was like a starving person looking to be fed. I was in love and wanting to be intimate with my son because I wasn't getting what I had missed all of the years he was out of my life. My feelings turned sexual because it was the only type of intimacy I thought I could get. I went for adult feelings of getting intimacy instead of working on the relationship as though he were a child and I a mother.

I couldn't be his mother as I wanted to because he had that position filled by his A-mom. So where did I fit? I couldn't just be a pal. I wanted to devour him. What is harder for you is that your son feels the same about you. I'm sure that had if we had acted on those feelings, I would not have him in my life at all now.

Even though neither of you are attached to a partner, you must look at the relationship as who you really are to each other. This is very difficult for both of you. He has a mother so to put you in that spot would make him feel disloyal to her. You are young and beautiful and not what he expected a mother to look like or be. He saw you as a peer immediately. You saw him as a man, not a baby or little boy.

But......and this is a big but.....you ARE his mother and he is your son and you must act accordingly. When he met youo, the little boy wanted his needs met as any baby would. He wanted to be held and loved. You as a mother wanted to hold him and nurish him and let him know how much you care and cared about him. Now you were acting out as adults but in reality you were mother and child and he was in a mans body.

If these needs are met sexually, it is too hard to go back to both of your original needs as mother and son. If sex gets in the way it can be a destroyer of a future relationship that could last your lifetimes.

You many want to get the book "The Forbidden Love, GSA". I wrote this to help everyone see what happens in reunions. I'm guessing you are in the U.K. because you said mum not mom. It can be purchased in the U.K. at Post Adoption Centre in London.

I hope this will help a little. It is like giving an aspirin to someone with a brain tumor but we have to start somewhere. I would hate to see you walk away from a lasting relationship to have an affair. If you are close to London, Post Adoption Centre offers counselling on this subject and understands it very well.

Hope to hear from you,
Barb Gonyo (GSA website hostess)

[Alana]

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[BarbGonyo]

Hello again Alana,

I read your decision to end the relationship with your son due to what you consider your deep sexual feelings for him and not wanting him to be your son. I know that sounds like a slap in the face and I don't mean it to.

It seems that when these reunions occur we have such a hard time putting them into the place that they are. As I see your situation, you have not been married or had other children and felt very content with that life. It is difficult for a woman who has never been a mother to know what to do with a grown child when they appear. It is easier to treat him as another man in your life. Now you are found and have to face emotions that are new or have been buried for many years. You son shows up and he is no longer a baby as in your memory, he is a man. He is handsome and charming a someone woman want to share their bed with instantly.

You say you did not pine over him for all these years due mainly to the treatment of his father, but never mentioned how he felt all these years if he is the one that looked you up.
His needs may be much stronger than yours to have a mother son relationship only he confuses that with needing you sexually as you do.

I don't think you are making a wrong decision in not seeing him again because you don't want a sexual relationship, which I think is good as it can lead to so much future pain. You are also saying to him that you don't want any relationship which could be very hard on him and he could take it as you not wanting him for a second time.

These GSA feelings must have boundaries that are set right from the beginning. We can't date as peers and keep the relationship going. I know you think if you walk away clean, it will be over. I wish you both success in this decision and know it will be a long hard road for both of you.

I hope you can make him understand why you are ending communication by being honest with him. I'm not sure for you that walking away will end what feelings you MAY be trying to bury. I think it could be more than GSA feelings you are leaving behind. It is very hard to face a person we brought into this world and say, go on with your life and I'll go on with mine without you as we did before.

I hope you'll stay in touch to let me know how it is going.

Barb Gonyo

[Alana]

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[BarbGonyo]

Alana,

I admire your courage and the wisdom of your decision. I wish more reuntied people with GSA could step back and see where they are headed and have the sense to leave it where it is.

I understand that you don't feel motherly as that sometimes is a learned behavior and not a born instinct. Because we are able to bear children doesn't mean that we are all capable of mothering them.

I look forward to hearing about your progress and shall watch for any reports you may have whether public or private. My best wishes to you and your son.

Barb Gonyo

[Teenie]

Barb,
I note what you say about you wishing all reunited people experiencing GSA feelings could step back and look where they are heading and leave it where it is. Not an easy thing to do when you are not in control of your emotions. May your situation would have had a slightly different ending, whether it be good or bad, if your son's feelings had been mutual?

I think there is also different degrees of emotions - do you agree? Or maybe that some people are better at controlling them? Everyone is different and although we are all effected by GSA, each situation is different.

I most definately was not in control of my emotions at the time. But I wonder if other things that are going on around us at the time also have an effect on how we deal with it all and where we head?

Teenie

[BarbGonyo]

Hi Teenie.
I agree that we are not in control when we have a reunion and don't think of any consquences because we are thinking with our hearts and emotions and our heads are left behind. I also feel most people are ill equipted because they haven't even heard of GSA and when they are about to search, they poo poo the idea when told and think it could never happen to them.

I too think that if my son had felt what I did, I would have lost control and caused much damage to him, myself and my family. I guess I was being watched over and so was he. Had I lost control and had a sexual relationship, I more than likely would not be writing to you or helping all the others who need guidance for what they are feeling.

I know that there are those who have a sexual relaltionship (mostly sibs)_ and do go on to have sib relationship later. Not an easy task. It takes a lot of work. But I can't think of any parent/ child relationship where there has been sex and they just continued to have a sexual relationship without many reprecussions. I still believe that the adult adoptee comes into this relationship as a child no matter how old he or she is. The Birthmother comes in thinking like a mom and most times when GSA hits she settles for lover status because mom status is filled and child can't handle having two mothers.

I could be wrong but have heard too many cases that make me think I'm right on track.

Nice to hear from you.
Barb Gonyo

[Teenie]

Do you think that Adoptees, within reunions, are experiencing greater emotional pain than anyone else within the reunion? I feel that they may do. From information that I am gathering it would also appear that the majority of Adoptees have a greater fear of loosing what has been found. I believe that they have more to come to terms with. Would you agree?

Teenie

[BarbGonyo]

Teenie,

No I don't think there is any one side of the triad that suffers more than the other. I feel that Adoptive parents feel a great loss in not having their own child and adopt a child that they now want to think of as theirs exclusivley and hope that the other parents never show up. That has changed somewhat from when I relingquished for adoption in some cases but there is an adoption going on in my own family now and I see the fear of the birthparents going on even though it will be an open adoption.

I've run a support group for over 24 years and talked to thousands of adoptees and seen there feelings of abandonment and loss and loyalty to their adoptive parents. I've talked to thousands of birthmothers who will never get over losing their child and then finding the child only to realize that child doesn't feel that they their child because their parents are the adopted parents and they may think of the birthparents as nothing more than a distant relative or a friend.

I've also seen many happy reunions but must admit all of them took years of work for them to adjust to a relationship that will fit into their lives. Sometimes the only reward is that you are able to know each other and never have to go another day wondering who your family is or if your child is dead or alive and needs you. You don't have to search faces in a crowd wondering if someone is your parent or sibling or your child.

So as most things in life, knowing is better than not knowing. Being together as a family is wonderful but if it can't be, we at least don't have to wonder and grieve for the rest of our lives and an adoptee doesn't have to walk around like a blank page in a book because he doesn't know who he is related to especially if he or she needs a medical hisory. But sometimes life is good and we get a second chance and we love each other and fit each other into our lives. Then we have truly been blessed.

The best of all is not to have to ever ever ever give up member of our families.

Barb Gonyo

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