GSA is unbearable!

[freesoul]

Does anyone understand what I mean here?


Yes, I do.

Love Freesoul

[roeschoice]

I am no longer in a relationship with my son.

What I really would like to say is - try not to be so afraid of GSA. Welcome it with loving tenderness, not fear.

Do what you can to move out of that place of fear, pain and total overwhelm. I understand that it does take some time to do it, trust me.

None of us can assume why you feel the way you do. We only know how we felt. And we each felt very differently for a variety of reasons. Not just one, but many. Know that what you are feeling IS normal for someone who just got zapped with the GSA bug, but don't be afraid of it. It will not hurt you or harm you in any way. Only if you let it of course.

Those huge emotions do tend to dissapate over time, but they do take work. I will not kid you on that. It's not an overnight fix.

Trust in yourself to know what is best for yourself. Try not to be afraid of this GSA love. It is nothing to be scared of. It is wonderful and beautiful and is only love. Love is soft, gentle, kind. So be that to yourself. Then you can offer that love to the person at the end of all that pain.

And if you saw me about ten years ago, going through this overwhelm, fear, wanting to die, being so afraid of my own feelings of love I was a cot case. It is only GSA. And GSA is only love.

Don't be afraid of love. Welcome it. You will know what to do about it when the time is right.

With love and respect
Roe

[art4me]

First, I would like to apologize to soconfused. Know that you and your post have nothing to do what is going on between members here. It just so happen to be on your thread, but could of very well been on any other's thread. I hope it does not deter you from seeking support from like minded people experiencing GSA. When you feel ready again, please feel free to open an new thread and let us know how you are doing. OK?

What is happening here, is that many of us do care. We care about you and your overall well being as we do to other's who invest their time telling their stories.

What I am also noticing that members are stating the reasons why they offer support in the manner and tone they do. And because we are all different and have different experiences we all do not agree. Much like families. It is ok, for all of us not to agree, as long as we continue to respect each other throughout our differences.

Roe, You state some many beautiful and soothing words about love and embracing it. As well as encouraging words to move through pain and total overwhelming experiences. WE are all on similar wavelengths.

I feel as though you are painting a picture of GSA with a thick brush, bold, and using minimal strokes.

I feel that other's use a more finite brush and go into the details more. It takes longer to paint with a smaller brush.

For instance, you say, "Do what you can to move out of that place of fear, pain and total overwhelm. I understand that it does take some time to do it, trust me." That to me feels like a BIG brush stroke on the canvas.

Some might than ask, well how do I do that? When will the pain change? What can I do in the mean time until I do not hurt so much? Where does the fear come from? Why am I so pulled to this person who is blood related? How do I deal with my faith, society, and upraising installing in me that incest is wrong, and yet it feels so right? I can't focus on my work, my children, my household, etc.

That is when the smaller brush comes in, adding details.

GSA love is a gift. But as all great gifts comes great responsibilities. You are right, we are all on different individual paths.

I re-read soconfued post, that sparked all the dialog.

Originally Posted by soconfused

I cannot believe what I have become in the last 4 months since meeting my h/b. I have NEVER felt anything like this and I do not wish to ever feel anything like it again. It is pure misery. Who have I become? Since May I have been at the highests of highs and the lowest of lows almost daily. Its something that I have absolutely no control over and it is so frustrating. The high's are so good, and the lows are absolutely miserable x1000. The worst I have ever felt in my entire life.... I am so sorry to anyone else going through this as I feel the pain. Will I make it through it? I need to get this under control.
Thanks, Confused

It sounds to me, that she is seeking support on how to reconnect with herself, how to reground herself. So many intense emotions are happening in such a quick time frame. She is frustrated, and in pain. This 'is the worst she has ever felt in her entire life.' She is wondering if she can make it through, and is sorry for anyone else who is going through this.

The tone of her post, the fear in her post, the pain in her post, is what people are commenting on and come from a sincere place to support her.

I think it is great that you are encouraging that she will get through this.

But I feel that 'it is only Love, it is only GSA, welcome it', is minimizing the pain and fear she is stating.

I believe that many who experience the beginnings of GSA are also experiencing an emotional trauma. Everything they once new as true, is now being questioned. Life has turned inside out, and many come here lost, seeking a way out!

When you were in that state, "And if you saw me about ten years ago, going through this overwhelm, fear, wanting to die, being so afraid of my own feelings of love I was a cot case." What words did you need to hear back than? What would of supported you to find your way through?

I wonder that what you sought back than is to have someone, indeed, tell you it is only love and don't be afraid of love. It might of been soothing to hear.

However, if someone told me that, I would hide in the corner, because I was AFRAID of GSA and the intensity of love. It would of confused me more, and I would of wonder, what is wrong with me, why can't I just accept it's only love.

Because it is just not that simple. It is multi-dimensional. For all of us.

To best support other's who come seeking support is to offer many of our voices.

We are a peer support group. We all have our limitations and our attributes. We are humane and one thing I know is that our intentions are good. When they are not, they are challenged, and sorted out.


‎"You cannot hope to build a better world without improving the individuals. To that end each of us must work for his own improvement and at the same time share a general responsibility for humanity." ~ Marie Curie

We are all wanting to improve ourselves and support each other.

Respectfully.

[roeschoice]

YOu are right. We do experience an emotional trauma. Life HAS turned upside down.

What words did I need to hear back then? The words I heard were the ones I am saying to you now. What supported me was having a very special group of people who did not tell me how I was supposed to feel, or tell me I was doing something wrong or feeling the wrong emotions. I was guided to accept exactly what I felt, because by fighting against it only created more pain.

I was supported in such a way that empowered me I think, to look beyond my own beliefs and into a place of acceptance. This is not a quick fix. This emotional trauma takes a while to move through.

I was given tools to help me through this process. I can offer you some of them if you wish, but really, it was up to me to use them, as it will be up to you. Many people make a choice to remain in that painfilled place. I got sick and tired of it and did everything I could to move out of it.

I learnt that it wasn't GSA making me feel this way. It was my own thoughts and beliefs that were creating that pain. So I changed my thoughts about it. I got into a place of knowing. And that process is not a simple one, for the very reasons you mention in your post.

As I look back on my own experience, I can see that the gift I was given was the one where I needed to change, I needed to wake up. And I am so grateful that I found the courage to do that.

I use those same tools now almost every day. They have become something of a spiritual practice and when I feel disconnected, in pain, out of joy, I go back to those tools and they help. I still have days of that debillitating pain you know, but it has become easier, so much easier, as long as I remember that it is only love. A very wise woman once said to me Love is a gift you give, not one you demand from. And love doesn't hurt. Love isn't painful or painfilled. Love is gentle, easy, offered not demanded from, it is light, airy, not heavy and tainted with fear. Love is a gift you give yourself. It is then you can give to others.

So when would you like to begin loving yourself for having this experience? Today? Tomorrow? Next week? Or maybe next year? This is where the gift is.

With love and respect
Roe

[lostsister]

Originally Posted by roeschoice

YOu are right. We do experience an emotional trauma. Life HAS turned upside down.

What words did I need to hear back then? The words I heard were the ones I am saying to you now. What supported me was having a very special group of people who did not tell me how I was supposed to feel, or tell me I was doing something wrong or feeling the wrong emotions. I was guided to accept exactly what I felt, because by fighting against it only created more pain.

I was supported in such a way that empowered me I think, to look beyond my own beliefs and into a place of acceptance. This is not a quick fix. This emotional trauma takes a while to move through.

I was given tools to help me through this process. I can offer you some of them if you wish, but really, it was up to me to use them, as it will be up to you. Many people make a choice to remain in that painfilled place. I got sick and tired of it and did everything I could to move out of it.

I learnt that it wasn't GSA making me feel this way. It was my own thoughts and beliefs that were creating that pain. So I changed my thoughts about it. I got into a place of knowing. And that process is not a simple one, for the very reasons you mention in your post.

As I look back on my own experience, I can see that the gift I was given was the one where I needed to change, I needed to wake up. And I am so grateful that I found the courage to do that.

I use those same tools now almost every day. They have become something of a spiritual practice and when I feel disconnected, in pain, out of joy, I go back to those tools and they help. I still have days of that debillitating pain you know, but it has become easier, so much easier, as long as I remember that it is only love. A very wise woman once said to me Love is a gift you give, not one you demand from. And love doesn't hurt. Love isn't painful or painfilled. Love is gentle, easy, offered not demanded from, it is light, airy, not heavy and tainted with fear. Love is a gift you give yourself. It is then you can give to others.

So when would you like to begin loving yourself for having this experience? Today? Tomorrow? Next week? Or maybe next year? This is where the gift is.

With love and respect
Roe

Roe,

You are saying it just as we also see it, ,
We are all here learning what LoVE means and helping each other to see , by offering different paradigms for consideration.
No one forces their opinions....they are accepted rejected or ignored, sometimes debated, and contested..but never forced.

It would be wonderful if you could share some of the tools you were given so that we might also learn...

[Red.String.of.Fate]

Well, let's agree to disagree.

Love, and GSA are not the same thing (IMO)
GSA for first is a NEED.
Need to connect, to learn, to make up for lost time. But that does not imply LOVE.
You do not have to love someone to need them.

And it is that need that brings all the choices.

How can we love someone who we do not know?

How many cases there were, where you would hear a person say after the initial GSA reaction, 'but this person is acting more different than when I met him' after they get to know the person.

I am not saying it can't become love. It can become love with the right nurturing.
But to say that the initial GSA is love seems overly optimistic to me.

Some turn GSA in a pure sexual desire. How does love come in there?

Yes, love is not demanding, understanding and accepting.
But even the most purest love has expectations.

Do we not expect our friends to be there for us and understand us? Would you still be a friend if they turned against you?

Does not even a mother expect her child to have respect and appreciate her?

To have zero expectations of someone means to not come in contact with someone.
Even of the neighbour you have the expectation of saying 'hello'

It is possible to learn to love them, and accept they're decisions.
But to rule out expectations is impossible.

I have been working on selfless love so much that I broke myself over and over to reglue myself so that it would fit the frame.
But I still have the expectation of him not spitting in my face.

Frankly, I doubt there is such a thing as selfless love.
It is in our survival instinct to look out for ourselves, and selfless love goes against that very instinct.

In fact, the more I think about it, the more I realize that GSA is the exact opposite of selfless love.
It's the very definition of selfish love where it's all or nothing.
It's all about how 'I feel, I think, I suffer, I want', and it's all 'ME'
It ruins the very possibility of building a normal relationship, and you may end up spending the rest of your life trying to make it right.

Yeah, there are relationships that work.
I am reminded somewhat of losing your virginity in your teenage years.
Your parents warn you against it, everywhere you are cautioned.
Yeah, it can be great, and there are cases where it works just fine.
Then there are teenage pregnancies, transmitted diseases, internet photos and such.
To not warn against it would be irresponsible.

And let's not forget that it's family we are talking about.
Which means if things don't work, it's not like a divorce.

I personally find it very difficult to sit at a table and smile at a family meeting, where my brothers new girlfriend is present, and act like I feel comfortable.

I find it hard to remind myself of selfless love as he does everything in his power to hurt me emotionally, and break me mentally.

It's unlikely that I think 'how nice, he loves me' when he yells that he hates me, and things get so out of control that it becomes physical violence.

It's impossible to think GSA is love when he says his biggest wish is to break me, because it's all or nothing. That I will never have him as a brother, only a lover or nothing.

I can't even look at him and think of a brother, because I never knew him as such. Things didn't become like this because we wanted to love each other but because of need. Need to be intimate, to go further, to feel more. Now it's arguments, yelling, akward silence, hateful words and pain.
So how does love come into this equation?

I have been working on the selfless love part for years now. And to tell you the truth, I have squat.
The best love I came up with still demands respect and kindness.
I am not able to tell him 'I love you' after he throws me down, or bruises me, or yells at me words I can not even write down.
Although the selfless love you are talking about means that I should be able to say that even after he hurts me.

GSA is need, lust and passion, but not love. It can become love, but it does not start out like that.
To assure people that it is a pure and natural love is disillusion.
And people who end up believing in those words, are the ones who can end up like me, crying on the floor.
I am sorry but I can not allow that. People need to know the good and bad of GSA in order to make a choice. And even thow most don't like what they hear, at least they can be warned. Ultimately, no matter what we say, it is still they're choice.

And I say this as no offence, it is just my opinion.

[Champion_reborn]

Wow Red,

Your post is very powerful. Each person on here has similar and different experiences because we are all different people and different families trying to deal with a similar situation(s). However, GSA does not seem to come in a "one size fits all" form. This is what I have learned here reading others posts and trying to understand how I can learn from each that I read to help myself and those I love. Sometimes we can get so caught up in our own situations and experiences we forget that not everyone is as fortunate, or if the case may be, as unfortunate as we are. Thank you so much for your post in this thread, it was very moving and in my case reminded me of how fortunate I am.

[myshadow]

Originally Posted by Red.String.of.Fate

In fact, the more I think about it, the more I realize that GSA is the exact opposite of selfless love.
It's the very definition of selfish love where it's all or nothing.
It's all about how 'I feel, I think, I suffer, I want', and it's all 'ME'
It ruins the very possibility of building a normal relationship, and you may end up spending the rest of your life trying to make it right.

This is a very true statement Red.
I was SO selfish in my thinking. Constantly, me me me me me me me....
All about what I want and need with no consideration for the others
around me. Really sad to realize that, when most of my life was spent
taking care of others and giving them unconditional love no matter
what was happening in my life. I never acted that way. I give and give more.
It turned me into a completely different person.

Originally Posted by Red.String.of.Fate

GSA is need, lust and passion, but not love. It can become love, but it does not start out like that.
To assure people that it is a pure and natural love is disillusion.
And people who end up believing in those words, are the ones who can end up like me, crying on the floor.
I am sorry but I can not allow that. People need to know the good and bad of GSA in order to make a choice. And even thow most don't like what they hear, at least they can be warned. Ultimately, no matter what we say, it is still they're choice.

And I say this as no offence, it is just my opinion.

When I first arrived on this site, alot of people were talking about how pure
and natural and wonderful it was. I became (more) delusional reading how great it was.
I believed it! And like you, I too ended up crying on the floor.

Thats exactly why I issue warnings. To hopefully protect someone from harm.
I don't mean to hurt or offend anyone either. Sometimes it just happens.
You can't please everyone no matter how hard you try.

Thanks for sharing Red.

[soconfused]

I just wanted to quick thank everyone that took time to give me advice on this thread. I can't possibly go back and reply to all of the comments cause my brain is too tired!!! But it is appreciated so thank you!
I am currently feeling a little better but I can definitely see how it can change from day to day. It gets better then the next morning I can wake up and be in a panic if I haven't heard from him or if I did then of course I start the cycle of questioning every single word said. Anyway, I am having "some" good days so I guess thats a start. Thanks Again! Confused

[Amongthestars]

I am currently feeling a little better but I can definitely see how it can change from day to day. It gets better then the next morning I can wake up and be in a panic if I haven't heard from him or if I did then of course I start the cycle of questioning every single word said. soconfused

Been there. Awful. This will consume you if you are not careful. My experience was a little different because I didn't start having those feelings until after I knew the GSA was mutual. It was like a bomb going off with red flags everywhere. I didn't find this website or an explanation for what was going on until several months later when we were both very deep in the throes of it, so you are ahead of the game. Kudos. For me, the best way to get through the urgency was to communicate, frankly, with my partner exactly how I was feeling and he did the same with me. But, it was already out there. For you, since you are unsure, I am certainly NOT implying you go to your partner and reveal your feelings, unless this is truly best for you in your situation. Only YOU can be the judge of that. Please know, it will change things permanently once that info is uncovered and you can't take it back. Take time, because you have plenty of it, and think about what your goals are.

It's helpful to really break down how this is affecting you, personally and why. True feelings, intent, and how you are dealing with things come out that way and make you feel better or change your opinion of what you want or what to do. Don't waste all your time analyzing everything your partner says to you, you need to LIVE. And live well. Take care of yourself and try as hard as you can to think of other things. You had a life before you met this person and you still do. It is so easy to start looking at GSA as the biggest problem in the world, but it's not. It's allot of things, but it can be a psychological/emotional trap. For you, nothing has happened yet, so you have a blank slate to navigate through.

Exercise: Look around you next time you go somewhere. Driving down the highway, flying in a plane, shopping.. There are countless people all over the place with their own set of problems and connections to others. The world starts looking real big when you do that, so focus on your issues "one problem at a time" and try not to be hard on yourself. This is a normal response you are having to an abnormal situation. YOU CAN DO THIS! Everyone here is here to help you and you are NOT alone.

Breathe... and remember... you have time on your side. These urgent feelings WILL subside with patience and understanding of yourself and your GA/GSA partner. When you find yourself worrying about how they are doing, bring the thoughts right back to YOU. How do YOU feel about this? How is it affecting YOUR mood and YOUR day and why? What do YOU need in order to turn it around? How are the OTHER people in your life doing and what do you need to do to take care of THEM?

This is a roller coaster and you are right at the beginning of all the turmoil and self doubt. How is this person supposed to fit into your life? Well, you can't reasonably have all the answers immediately and most, including this one, will iron themselves out over time with experience and care. Have faith in yourself and gain strength. Protect what you have been given.

I know what you mean about it changing daily... really, for me, it was hourly during this phase. Up and down, panicked and feeling like you've been issued a death sentence because you fell in love with a relative. What are ya supposed to do with that?! Believe, the urgent feelings WILL get better with time and communication. Just allow the relationship to evolve on its own. Nurture it and let it grow. You're answers will come right to you, just the way they are supposed to. And, you will learn allot about yourself along the way.

And, of course, read others advice and stories on here...

Best wishes and good luck
*Hugs*
Stars