Aunt/Nephew trying to do the right thing

[theobold]

I recently moved to a new town and developed a close relationship with my Aunt. We really have a lot in common and have been spending all our free time together. We are both very creative people and have been doing artwork together and have gone into bussiness together.

I am not making this clear enough, but I am trying to get this all down. We are both very quirky idiosyncratic people and are so totally alike it is amazing.

We have even led paralell lives apart from each other in many ways.

We understand each other and affirm each other and bring out the best in each other. What is so amazing is that neither of us has ever had anyone in our lives like us. We both have been involved in bad relationships.

What has developed is a very deep friendship. Mentally, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually.

Our friendship has caused great things to happen and even launched fulfilling careers for both of us.

But I started to feel like I was falling in love with her.


Yesturday I wrote down in my journal that I am sexually attracted to her and always have been. Its true. I was attracted to her when I first met her when I was 14 but we never spent much time together.

Now at 34 and she in her late 50's we have finally become close. I always pushed my attraction in the back of my mind and focused on all the other things we have in common. Though I would never normally be attracted to a woman her age, this problem is exacerbated by thye fact that she is very physically attractive and young looking and has in fact had a couple lovers that were in their 20's when she was in her 40s and 50's.

Well after I wrote this in my journal I researched incest on the internet, to try to understand my feelings.

I descovered GSA and I think that is the dynamic we have.

I have a strong sense that acting on this would ruin our lives, so I am not considering that. I am just trying to understand my feelings.

I told her today that our relationship cannot continue at this level of intimacy. It can't last. I told her I felt like if she were not my Aunt I would be falling in love with her.

She seemed to understand and it seems to not be a one sided thing. She was not shocked at all.

I am wondering if it is possible to set up some boundaries in the relationship and still be friends and colaborate on artistic projects. Sort of a middle ground between breaking everything off on the one hand or following this intense relationship might end up.

I had to tell her this because the sexual tension was just too overpowering, but I don't want her out of my life either.

[theobold]

I realize this site is kind of slow. But basically what I am looking for is help in creating the proper boundaries so that I can continue the relationship. I am never going to cross the line. My Aunt would never cross the line with me. I am not worried about that. Its just that the attraction is there for me and the sexual tension became overwhelming the other day.

So I feel I am at a crossroads. This can't continue. I think part of the problem is the level of emotional intimacy that we developed with each other.

I am thinking that somehow, I need to change that but I am not sure how. I need some help learning how to build proper emotional boundaries.

This I think is related to a problem I have with my Mother. Groing up in a single parent home and being a very precocious child, I think I experienced a type of emotional incest from my Mother. She became to reliant on me emotionally. We had more of a sibling type relationship. With me almost like her big brother.

There is no physical attraction or anything like that, but I am unsure of how to fix this relationship. As I have become closer to my Aunt, my Mother has begun to act like a jealous lover, getting very upset at all the time I spend with my Aunt and how close we are. It seems she wants me all to herself.

What I need help with is creating boundaries. I mean I could cut off all contact with both of them, but I don't want to take such an extreme measure.

I hope there is someone out there that can help me, or at least empathize.

Thanks.

[BarbGonyo]

Hello Theobold,

I apologize for not coming up with an immediate reply but this last few weeks for me have been too busy to even look at my computer much less read anything it had to say. But finally I'm freed from my obligations and ready to talk to anyone who will listen.

The funny part of this is that most people won't listen because I won't say what they want to hear, but I'll give it a try.

I'm pleased that you found this site and hope you explore it to see what has happened to others with GSA.

About your situation with your aunt, I'd like to say how lucky I think you are to have someone in your life who is almost like a mirror to you. The reason for that is more than likely because you share a lot of the same gene pool and are very much alike. You didn't say how the relation is connected. Is she your aunt through your mother or fathers family?

In GSA we have found that the reason those who are so obsessed with a relative, fall in love is because they are close and falling in love with the sameness. What could be nicer than having a person who understands you, thinks like you, creates like you do and loves all the same things.

The old saying is that opposites attract, but in truth have you seen many marriages that don't struggle when people have totally different likes and habits. After the blush of hormones fullfill themselves, they look at each other and say, what did I get myself into.

People who love the same things and understand each other enjoy each other because it is like being with ourselves. We can't disagree with ourselves because it is who we are.

But alas, the problem is the confusion that there must be a sexual intimacy to make us whole. We must cross the line to do this and break the social taboo. This is were we get into trouble. We want total intimacy and feel that sex is the only way to get it. But is it?

If you are not homosexual and have a best male friend that you love dearly and want to spend time with and stay friends for life, you would not think of crossing the line. You have the intimacy you are looking for. He is your best friend and you want him to stay in your life.

Now you have found someone who is sharing you life in a wonderful way. If you think that your attraction to her is worth the trouble that will come from it by having sex, I'd like to tell you that the boundaries are so important and you don't want to make a mistake.

You said it is not even a thought for you and yet it is or you wouldn't have to mention it. You too are sexual beings and it is on both your minds and will continue to be an issue unless you resolve that you need to leave that part of your relationship out.

We are all tempted by someone that is attractive to us and just because we have these feelings we can't always act on them.

Those that I know who have not become physical are the ones that still have a relationship.

How do you do this you ask? You decide if you want her in your life forever or until both of you have satisfied each other and kid yourself into thinking it won't be a problem. You both need to decide and be willing to accept what will happen if you go ahead.

You have stated there is already a problem with your mother being jealous. Perhaps it is not jealousy but that she is sensing there is more between you than there should be. When two people are in love they can't hide it. They just think they can.

I don't know if this will help you but I hope it makes you think before you lose a good relationship. I don't think I quite got the age differences between the two of you.

Write any time.

Barb Gonyo "The Forbidden Love, GSA"

[theobold]

Barb,

Thank you so much for replying. I have read most of your replies on this forum to people and I have to say, I agree with your advice.

I am trying to establish the boundaries. So don' t feel that I won't want to hear what you have to say because I do want to hear it. I agree that crossing the line would ruin our lives.

The danger to me, I feel would be having my Aunt notice I am sexually aroused, or having her notice that I am looking at her like I want to kiss her, and then being very embarrassed and not being able to see her anymore nor continue to work together.

The thing is I feel an overwhelming desire for her when we are pysically close like sitting next to each other.

But I think what lead to this physical attraction, is the degree of emotional intimacy we have developed. sharing our innermost thoughts with each other, things we have never shared with anyone else.

What I am looking for is a way to be friends but not being quite so close emotionally.

I am not sure how to go about this.

Should I perhaps write down topics to discuss that should be off limits?

Create limits on the amount of time spent together?

What are some thinhgs people have done that have worked?

Thanks a lot for your time.

[theobold]

Actually, another thought I had was, will this attraction go away on its own?

If it would that would be a great relief.

as far as the thing with my Mother, I think it is as you say. She is aware of how close and bonded we are, but also I think it is because I don't have enough emotional boundaries between she and I, for example, she shgares a lot about her relationships with men and I am trying to giver her the message that I don't want to get involved.

My Mother and I are very enmeshed emotioinally, I think.

[theobold]

you asked about our ages;

I am 34 and she is 56. We are both divorced with no kids. I am very recently divorced, she has been divorced since 98.

[theobold]

Apparently the attraction goes away If you make a conscious decision not to act on it and stop thinking about it.

This is what i am finding.

[theobold]

no it doesn't. ops:

[elle]

Hi... I'm 30 and have a relationship with my nephew (21). I was surprised when I read about you two. We don't know if we're doing the right thing, but we're trying to enjoy ourselves to the max. We love each other, spend a lot of time together, have a lot in common... too much I would say and treat each other not as relatives. We have been questioned by our family, but we always deny everything. With time it's getting harder to hide what we feel. I feel better knowing that we are not alone on this.

[BarbGonyo]

HI Elle,

I was wondering if you were reunited due to an adoption situation or a separation/reunion.

Since we deal with broken families that are reunited and develop GSA we wonder if there is more to this than just reunions. I see there is an age difference. Would you be willing to share more even if it is in a PM?

Barb Gonyo