Are we beyond help?

When my half-brother and I first met, I was 12yrs old and he was 10yrs old. It was an instant crush. We separated and met again 8 years later and we acted on it. We agreed that under the circumstances that it should never happen again.

We were apart again for 10 years, but every time family members mentioned his name my heart would race. I thought about him often and I felt guilty because I was the older one and felt that I probably should have known better.

I am now 29 and he's 27, although I was still heavily attracted to him I apologised for the past hoping to leave it behind. Only to find out he did not regret it and he still feels the same way I feel about him.

We could not stop ourselves. Its like being whole, like we were born for each other, to complement, love, laugh, nuture and understand each other.

I am not saying this is how I would always want things to be and I dont think that what he wants that too. We are looking for solutions, which is why I searched on the internet to find out if this was happening to other people and why (obviously its not something you discuss with your friends/family)

Keeping our distance from each other through the years has not helped, besides it killed me inside. Its not an option. I am hoping these passionate feelings will fade with time.

In a way I love this man, but I want to have a brother and uncle for my daughter more than I want to be a lover to him. I want more for him and would have liked to do it differently this time.

[lostforwords]

Angel....Seems to me reading all the posts on this site that this is a lifelong struggle whichever route you choose to go down,I have only recently made contact with my h/b and am coming to terms with the fact that our reunion has resulted in gsa. I am committed to trying to work through this and out the other side as I desparately want a brother,not a lover and I too am waiting for these feelings to fade. For now vigilance rather than distance seems to be the best option,perhaps the familiarity of each other will lessen the feelings but for now I feel like I am living a lie.

[MamaR]

I met my half-brother for the first time when I was 23 and he was 30. Our father and his mother had divorced when he was quite young. The attraction was immediate. To our everlasting regret, it did escalate into a sexual relationship with him being the one to call an end to it. I was in an unhappy marriage and had a 3-year-old daughter.

I put my mind to accepting that this was not the right thing to do and that love shouldn't hurt the other person or yourself. My feelings did fade with time and I only feel sisterly towards him now, because I worked at that. Still, the relationship was irrevocably damaged. I never hear from him, but I did apologize for my part in what happened, some years later. I realized, for myself, that any obsessing about or hanging on to the romantic/sexual feelings was self indulgence on my part. I am grateful to my brother for giving me the opportunity to work on this without his presence to divert me.

I am also a natural mother to two children lost to adoption in the early 60's. Little did I know that, when I entered the world of adoption reunion in 1993, this entire issue would jump out at me again. No, I am lucky that it didn't hit me or my daughter and son or my raised children. There was a twinge with my daughter and my raised son, but I picked up on it and openly discussed it with each of them. They were relieved to know that they weren't abnormal or perverted and that the feelings would (and did) fade.

But, all around me, I saw other moms, adopted adults and raised siblings struggling with this phenomenon. People in the online support and activism groups were struggling and suffering with this unexpected and powerful emotion. I saw many a reunion crumble and many people going through a hell on earth because of this. I shared my story and a few people got the courage to back away and seek an understanding of their situation.

I don't know how much this will help those that are going through this, but I think that my experience is proof that the feelings can be dealt with and "normalized (for want of a better term)." I do know that if I had been raised with the presence of my half-brother in my life, I would have probably cringed at the idea of a romantic relationship with him. Now, at age 61, I can only shake my head at the havoc that was caused and the sad end results. I can also feel the freedom from the grip of GSA and rejoice in the happy second marriage I have today.

MamaR[/b][/quote]

[mwoo6i1485]

dear mamar

i understand from your post that after time apart your feelings changed into sisterly love,but what of your brothers .this has happened with me and my h/bro and he called it off and iv been despratly trying to keep or work on having some sort of sibling relationship ,weather it be because of shame or guilt or he still loves me i dont know but but after a year of trying i give up due to his reluctence to see me and coldness and aucwardness towards me .it breaks my heart that i may never have my brother in my life .did your brother not want to try to reconsile a sibling relationship?
mw x

[MamaR]

My h/b also found peace. He remarried (he was divorced when we met) and they have been together for 35 years. When I did my amends to him, apologizing and letting him know that I was past all of that, he replies tht he had also put it behind him and was happy in his life. I believe him. We do exchange Christmas cards and that's about it. We live a continent apart.

MamaR

[MamaR]

As a PS to that message above, we speak of each other fondly, but the family is so scattered that there has been no real closeness with him or any of the rest of the siblings. I don't take that personally. I write it off for what it is and enjoy what I have.

MamaR

[lostforwords]

hi mamaR..... I read with interest your comments about your sisterly feelings toward your brother and how they came as a result of having worked at it.I would love to know more about how you arrived there, facing up to my own feelings for my h/b and trying to avoid the pain that others posting on here have shared,I am grateful for all the opinions/posts/PM,s that I have received since I discovered this site. I have not 'crossed the line'so to speak with my brother but I fear it would take little encouragement. What I struggle with most is my dishonesty in harbouring feelings that I have no right to,as a wife, a mother, a sister, an aunt and shamefully my increasing feelings of jealousy toward my brothers wife.None of us deserve to be in this position, but the responsibility of these feelings is overwhelming.

[lostforwords]

hi mamaR..... I read with interest your comments about your sisterly feelings toward your brother and how they came as a result of having worked at it.I would love to know more about how you arrived there, facing up to my own feelings for my h/b and trying to avoid the pain that others posting on here have shared,I am grateful for all the opinions/posts/PM,s that I have received since I discovered this site. I have not 'crossed the line'so to speak with my brother but I fear it would take little encouragement. What I struggle with most is my dishonesty in harbouring feelings that I have no right to,as a wife, a mother, a sister, an aunt and shamefully my increasing feelings of jealousy toward my brothers wife.None of us deserve to be in this position, but the responsibility of these feelings is overwhelming.

[MamaR]

Hi lostforwords. I read a little bit about your situation on other threads. I have already answered this in a private email to another member. I don't mind sharing, though.

I didn't do what most people here seem to be doing. I didn't allow myself to dwell on my fantasies and obsess about what I couldn't and shouldn't have. I didn't write my feeling down or anything like that. I tried, instead, to direct my thoughts and energies towards my marriage, my child, my family and friends, and the things I liked to do. I took my fantsies and memories and put them in a little box in my mind and closed the cover, so to speak.

I also confronted myself as to MY responsibility in the matter. I was discomfited but enlightened to realize that a lot of it was because I was not happy in my marriage and because I was a bit young and selfish. Make no mistake, I DO consider acting on GSA to be a self-indulgent, self-involved thing. I worked on forgiving myself and going forward rather than cringing in guilt or languishing in longing.

Whenever my h/b's face would pop into my head, I would replace it with the face of my adorable 3-year-old daughter. I made an effort to use the word "BROTHER" rather than his name when we in the family spoke of him. I talked, firmly, to myself about any attempts I might have tried to justify the line-crossing and would tell myself the blatant truth...that the "justifications" were all a smoke screen for my self-centered desires. This was not to put myself on a guilt trip because that would not have helped, either.

So, I would read, paint, see a movie, call a friend and I meditated on myself, my life and the earth around me rather than allowing myself to obsess. That's the important thing..don't allow yourself to obsess! That just makes the desire grow stronger. It took all the self-discipline I could muster to put away my romantic musings and live in the real world, but it was worth the work.

Back then, I had never heard of GSA..that was almost 38 years ago that I had my experience. I didn't have any way of learning about what I was feeling or putting a name to it. I just knew that it was neither wise nor healthy. So, I used the old adage about, "Don't bother figuring out how the jackass got into the ditch. Just figure out how to get him out!" Because the anticipated pay-off was so great when I considered it...no guilt, no chaos or damage to my family, the freedom from pain and longing, a real brother/sister relationship....I worked hard to get that jackass out of the ditch.

Many years later, 1993, was when I reunited with my two children lost to adoption. To help me deal with it all, I read BJ Lifton's book. Eureka! I finally had a name for what I had experienced. I was able to watch and sort of help my raised children and my reunited ones through the maze. Except for a little twinge on the part of my daughter and raised son, we were lucky and escaped the worst of the GSA.

If you haven't stepped over the line, you're lucky. You still have a chance at a brother/sister relationship. Once that line has been crossed, that relationship is harder to maintain. My h/b and I are separated by many miles and we do exchange Christmas cards and I have made my amends to him. But there is still a bit of discomfort on his part and I have felt it the few times we have communicated since the GSA incidents. He's 67 and I am almost 61. When this happened, I was 23 and he was 30. If it helps, it didn't take this long to feel the feelings fade. That happened in about 18 months of grief and hard work.

As for the grief, I am so glad that my mom never knew that this had happened. You see, I also lost my mother, suddenly, of a brain aneurysm about 6 months after my h/b left. That had me musing on the quality of life and how I could make the best life for me. I always consider my freedom from GSA to be part of the legacy my mom left me.

You have a starting place. You know what is happening. You have the definition and the information and that is more than I had. If you want this badly enough, this freedom from your jealousy and longings, you can have it. I honestly believe that no amount of "love-making" with the object of my GSA ever felt half as good as this freedom and the self-esteem that came with it.

Hugs and Good Luck, Hon.

MamaR

Originally Posted by lostforwords

Angel....Seems to me reading all the posts on this site that this is a lifelong struggle whichever route you choose to go down,I have only recently made contact with my h/b and am coming to terms with the fact that our reunion has resulted in gsa. I am committed to trying to work through this and out the other side as I desparately want a brother,not a lover and I too am waiting for these feelings to fade. For now vigilance rather than distance seems to be the best option,perhaps the familiarity of each other will lessen the feelings but for now I feel like I am living a lie.

I agree with you 100% because the separation between h/b and myself has increased the intensity of our feelings. I want him in my life, to care and love him.


I feel sorry for you because you are carrying the burden alone and cannot share it with him. We discuss our relationship and are aware that this has to end at some point but we are working on a common ground that will not break us when we break off.

Please do not be guilty about the way you feel I've done that to myself for 10 years and I suffered for it. Be strong, at least if you dont act on your feelings you will get to keep him in your life.

In a way I have never loved or been loved this way before, but I know how complicated life would be if our families would find out.