Not Estranged

MamaR · 05-25-2006, 08:09 AM

Angel stated, on another thread, that she couldn't deal with being estranged from her loved one in order to avoid the pitfalls of acting on GSA. I have to take exception with her assumptions. It was my h/b's decision to back away and his to keep the relationship distant, even after I was well past the GSA stage. I took my cues from him and, just recently, did contact him and we did some talking. Here's an email he said I could share with this group. (Iremoved some names and corrected his spelling...I'm a frustrated English teacher at heart)

>>Hi Sis! Boy, does it feel good to be able to say that. I hate all the years that we missed because I was so ashamed of myself. I read the books you told me about and I went to the sites. We sure could have used this knowledge 38 years ago!!!=ol (his wife) doesn't know about this and I have been careful that she never found out. But she has wondered why I am not in contact with my sisters. I think, if I had known about the GSA thing I would not have been so distant. I never thought that you might get over it too and want your brother back. My bad. ha ha, not!

>>It makes me feel real good to know that you are so happy. I am liking the 'forgive yourself' idea. I hope the people you are talking to now understand that there is still love after GSA, just a better kind of love. Over the years I have enjoyed the Xmas cards with the pictures and little notes about what you have been doing. Wow! I can't believe than you lasted 20 yrs before you and (ex-husband) divorced. That was a total mis-match. And finally getting your adopted children back into your life was a real drama from TV!

>>From now on, I promise to keep in touch better. I do have sisters and a family that probably thinks I hate them. I'm off to mend more fences. Only you know the real reason and thank you for helping me with it. If only we had known, huh???

Love,
Bro

mwoo6i1485 · 05-25-2006, 09:33 AM

that message brought tears to my eyes i only hope it doesnt take that long for my bro to come to terms and want me back in his life.

i miss him so much and feel so sorry for what has become of our relationship.

he has cut all contact now ,i suppose i was trying too hard to repair the damage to the point of it taking over every thaught and proberly seemed abit obsessed by it.but with the best intentions only for it to push him further away ,
i just hope he doesnt hate me for it .

MamaR · 05-25-2006, 10:35 AM

mwoo, I have a suggestion. I would send your brother an occasional card, not touching on the subject, but just with a bit of "family chat" in it. I never realized, until I got this email and a call from my brother, that he read and appreciated those cards as much as he did.

Now, I don't mean inundating him with "Thinking of You" cards that are sentimental. But, on his birthday, Christmas, holidays and once in a while, just send him one. And sign it, your SISTER. Emphasize the family connection and steer totally clear of the other. I doubt that he hates you but he might have felt further pressured.

If you have tried to repair the damage, then the next move is up to him. Remember, this took 38 years with my brother and I have been happy and fulfilled in my life in spite of the fact that he was not that much a part of my life. The fact that we are reconciled is only icing on the cake. Needing someone, anyone, to that kind of desperate distraction is not healthy, no matter what the relationship. If he can't respond, then mourn and let go. Life is too short to wear this for years like a hair shirt. No one's life is perfect or has all the pieces fitting together the way we'd like.

mwoo6i1485 · 05-25-2006, 11:30 AM

thanks for your suggestion that is what i intended to do.
its hard because he only lives 10 minutes down the road and only the other day i passed him in the car i felt choked after i dont know if he did not see me or just didnt ecnolegde but it hurts .to go from being so loving and caring to being so cold for the last year.
i said to him i have to give up trying cause even though he said he wanted me in his life he made no effort or seem to care,his response was its proberly for the best.
its been hard as he got in touch when my full brother had just passed away and my mum termanly ill,he was very full on and so thaughtfull even befor anything happened i suppose i had become used to being there like that, i didnt reasile he would treat me just as you would an acwatence.
for someone to put you on a pedastool and then through you back to none importance is hard,especially when it was him that pushed for it so badly promising no matter what circumstances he would always love me and would never change towards me,
i was weak going through the biggest traumer in my life and i think i would have done anything at that time to keep him.
im normally very guarded with my feelings but not with him it was all open arms and iv ended up with yet more heart ache.

i am working on myself having councilling for all the issues i talk more now instead of selfharming iv been on medication to help me get over this depression witch has been an on going thing all my life ,but for the first time iv ask for help witch is an acheivment in it self.
i know given time i will be back to my happy go lucky person i was who loved life,im getting there.
thankyou so much for sharing you story it gives me hope x

05-25-2006, 08:09 AM	#1
MamaR Member Join Date: May 2006 Posts: 55	Not Estranged Angel stated, on another thread, that she couldn't deal with being estranged from her loved one in order to avoid the pitfalls of acting on GSA. I have to take exception with her assumptions. It was my h/b's decision to back away and his to keep the relationship distant, even after I was well past the GSA stage. I took my cues from him and, just recently, did contact him and we did some talking. Here's an email he said I could share with this group. (Iremoved some names and corrected his spelling...I'm a frustrated English teacher at heart) >>Hi Sis! Boy, does it feel good to be able to say that. I hate all the years that we missed because I was so ashamed of myself. I read the books you told me about and I went to the sites. We sure could have used this knowledge 38 years ago!!!=ol (his wife) doesn't know about this and I have been careful that she never found out. But she has wondered why I am not in contact with my sisters. I think, if I had known about the GSA thing I would not have been so distant. I never thought that you might get over it too and want your brother back. My bad. ha ha, not! >>It makes me feel real good to know that you are so happy. I am liking the 'forgive yourself' idea. I hope the people you are talking to now understand that there is still love after GSA, just a better kind of love. Over the years I have enjoyed the Xmas cards with the pictures and little notes about what you have been doing. Wow! I can't believe than you lasted 20 yrs before you and (ex-husband) divorced. That was a total mis-match. And finally getting your adopted children back into your life was a real drama from TV! >>From now on, I promise to keep in touch better. I do have sisters and a family that probably thinks I hate them. I'm off to mend more fences. Only you know the real reason and thank you for helping me with it. If only we had known, huh??? Love, Bro

05-25-2006, 09:33 AM	#2
mwoo6i1485 Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Posts: 37	wow that message brought tears to my eyes i only hope it doesnt take that long for my bro to come to terms and want me back in his life. i miss him so much and feel so sorry for what has become of our relationship. he has cut all contact now ,i suppose i was trying too hard to repair the damage to the point of it taking over every thaught and proberly seemed abit obsessed by it.but with the best intentions only for it to push him further away , i just hope he doesnt hate me for it .

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05-25-2006, 10:35 AM	#3
MamaR Member Join Date: May 2006 Posts: 55	mwoo, I have a suggestion. I would send your brother an occasional card, not touching on the subject, but just with a bit of "family chat" in it. I never realized, until I got this email and a call from my brother, that he read and appreciated those cards as much as he did. Now, I don't mean inundating him with "Thinking of You" cards that are sentimental. But, on his birthday, Christmas, holidays and once in a while, just send him one. And sign it, your SISTER. Emphasize the family connection and steer totally clear of the other. I doubt that he hates you but he might have felt further pressured. If you have tried to repair the damage, then the next move is up to him. Remember, this took 38 years with my brother and I have been happy and fulfilled in my life in spite of the fact that he was not that much a part of my life. The fact that we are reconciled is only icing on the cake. Needing someone, anyone, to that kind of desperate distraction is not healthy, no matter what the relationship. If he can't respond, then mourn and let go. Life is too short to wear this for years like a hair shirt. No one's life is perfect or has all the pieces fitting together the way we'd like.

05-25-2006, 11:30 AM	#4
mwoo6i1485 Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Posts: 37	thanks for your suggestion that is what i intended to do. its hard because he only lives 10 minutes down the road and only the other day i passed him in the car i felt choked after i dont know if he did not see me or just didnt ecnolegde but it hurts .to go from being so loving and caring to being so cold for the last year. i said to him i have to give up trying cause even though he said he wanted me in his life he made no effort or seem to care,his response was its proberly for the best. its been hard as he got in touch when my full brother had just passed away and my mum termanly ill,he was very full on and so thaughtfull even befor anything happened i suppose i had become used to being there like that, i didnt reasile he would treat me just as you would an acwatence. for someone to put you on a pedastool and then through you back to none importance is hard,especially when it was him that pushed for it so badly promising no matter what circumstances he would always love me and would never change towards me, i was weak going through the biggest traumer in my life and i think i would have done anything at that time to keep him. im normally very guarded with my feelings but not with him it was all open arms and iv ended up with yet more heart ache. i am working on myself having councilling for all the issues i talk more now instead of selfharming iv been on medication to help me get over this depression witch has been an on going thing all my life ,but for the first time iv ask for help witch is an acheivment in it self. i know given time i will be back to my happy go lucky person i was who loved life,im getting there. thankyou so much for sharing you story it gives me hope x