Half Brother Anxiety

[MrQuandary]

Hi Everyone,

I found your site having searched the net for advice on meeting siblings/half siblings for the first time.

I'm looking for advice really. Not specifially about GSA. But why post here you may ask?! Well, because what I'm facing anxiety about, is probably what some of you also felt or may have gone through.

Let me back track, and give you a little background info on my situation.

I have 3 other siblings - we share the same mother and father. My parents were both originally from Hong Kong, but emigrated to the UK, which is where I was born. Up until the age of about 6, I'd never met my siblings until they too emigrated to the UK, as they were all born and raised in Hong Kong. They were mostly adults when I met them, whilst I was still a child, and we all see each other as brothers and sisters. So, no problem there - I just wanted to mention that to 'complete' the story.

Anyway, when I was about 13, my father had an affair with a woman he worked with. My mother had suspected this for a while, but my older siblings doubted that our 'loving' father would do such a thing. But, when the proverbial finally hit the fan, everything was out in the open. It was true! It was a turbulent time for our family to say the least. We all gathered round in support of our mother of course, as she was the 'victim' in this affair. We all saw the other woman as the enemy, even though my father was just as guilty of this, and we did blame him too.

So, the affair continued, and together my father and this woman had 2 children - a boy and a girl. Since then, my mother passed away. I won't go into details, but it was due to illness. The affair and the heartache is a contributing factor to her death we all believe. This really fueled our resentment of our father, and that other woman. (I've used the term 'other woman' , but I'm sure you can all imagine other words we've used to describe her!)

Well, time to cut to present day. I've relocated to Hong Kong, and living at my fathers house. In the last few years, our relationship with him has gotten better, and we have in some ways made our peace with him. We of course will never forget our mother, nor what she'd been through. But our father is no spring chicken anymore. And well, let's make our peace with him while we still can!

Recently, he's come to Hong Kong too, and so we're living in the same house. It's quite strange to be living with him. Nice in a way, as I've missed him. I still love him dearly, but every now and again, I'm still reminded of what he did. So, the other day he announced that 'Your little brother is coming to Hong Kong for his summer holiday' Each time he'd mentioned to us in the past 'Your little sister' or 'Your little brother' we'd all deny any connection with his other children. 'Your children, are your children, they're nothing to do with us' 'Our mum gave birth to four of us, and four of us there shall be'.

What I know of this half-brother of mine, is that he's now 19yo. I've been told by a few relatives that he bears a striking resemblance to me.

At the moment, my feelings about meeting him are extremely complicated. Unlike adopted or separated siblings, I've not had an expressed desire to meet him. I've not had a chance to perhaps e-mail nor get to know him before we meet. I have no choice about whether to meet him, he's coming to stay either way!

Although I do hate the other woman, for destroying our family (with my father's help of course), I've never blamed either of his other children. they are completely innocent in all of this. I've only denied my connection with them to hurt my father.

I'm really not sure what I should/shouldn't be feeling right now. What if I get on well with him, and he becomes a good friend after I meet him? Will I have betrayed the rest of my family? I've not met him, and the thought of being nice to him already makes me feel like I've betrayed my family/siblings/mother. But yet on the other hand, I'm looking forward to meeting him. I'm curious to find out exactly how much he resembles me. What kind of person he is. Do we share similar interests/tastes? Ever since I was a child, I can remember always wanting a little brother to play with, to teach, to protect, to be big brother to (until I was reunited with my full siblings, I'd felt like an only child).

I'm sorry about the long post, and bad writing! I've tried to phrase it the best I could, but would've probably gone on longer if I tried re-writing it!

If anyone has been in a similar situation or knows anything about this kind of situation, please advise! During the last few days, I've been thinking about it a lot, and not made any progress!

[MamaR]

Hi Mr. Q,

I've had the same situation. My father was a bit of a womanizer and my full siblings and I are from his second marriage. My dad and mom were separated for 9 years and, during that time, he engaged in a bigamous marriage with another woman and had two children with her. I have only met my younger half sister. My younger half-brother has never wanted to meet us, He resents us because we are "legitimate." Funny..that's not our fault.

I handled it by figuring that my younger half-siblings had less than nothing to do with how my father behaved or what he did and I think of their mother, now deceased..as is mine, as just another one of his victims. I also resent the way that my father treated my mom, but I have, if not exactly forgiven him, accepted that he was what he was and do not take it personally. He passed away in the late 80's at age 72.

While I am here because I am recovered from a GSA attraction to my older half-brother, I can also relate to your uncertainty about meeting this person who shares at least part of your DNA. If you can mentally separate him from the trangressions of your father against your mother, you'll be doing both of you a favor. Why should you not enjoy knowing your half-brother just because your dad acted unwisely?

I hope you'll be able to relax and enjoy getting to know your h/b. You might just enjoy it.

MamaR

[BarbGonyo]

Hello Mr. Q,

I had to read your post twice. The first time I read it I thought the writer was a woman. Upon reading the response from MamaR, I see that I may be mistaken and you are a man.

I think you are right in realizing that this child had nothing to do with your fathers behavior or his mothers either. We don't get to choose how we come into this world. The choices we make after we are here is what is important.

I wouldn't be surprised if your brother didn't have many mixed feelings about meeting you also. He may think you and your siblings were the lucky ones to have had your father while he was the one living as the product of an affair.

Even though there was not an adoption, the feelings at reunion aren't different. You two are connected by blood and the fact that he looks like you and may be like you can make for a wonderful relationship or one with many problems. It is up to both of you to slowly get to know each other as people who must detach themselves from the facts of how you became siblings.

He is your brother no matter what. Half/whole it doesn't matter you share some of the same gene pool. These meetings come with issues as you have stated such as your loyalty to the rest of your family. They have to make their own decisions about this new person in the family.

I'm sure that most of us who have siblings have issues whether or not we were raised together or not. That seems to be the way life is.

I wish you a successful meeting and hope you have a long healthy relationship.

Barb Gonyo

[MrQuandary]

Thank you MamaR and BarbGonyo, for your quick and kind response!

Maybe I should have made it clearer, yes, I am a man. I'm 34yo and you could say I have life experience. When it comes to advice, usually friends and family turn to me, as they know they'll get unbiased help, which I'm always happy to give. I've never been someone to simply offer 'my opinion' which they should carry out forthwith, but always allow the person seeking advice to form their own way forward. That's all fine and dandy, but as you may have guessed, this inevitable meeting has really stumped me! Because I'm so close to this issue, I don't think I could give advice about it to anyone, let alone give advice to myself!

You've both mentioned that indeed my half brother could be having similar issues about meeting me. Or may feel resentment that I'm legitimate. The truth is, I really don't know what or how much he know's about our families history. My father has often mentioned his other children to us, probably because he just sees us all as his children. And probably, (he's not stupid afterall) it's his attempt at paving the way for a unification or at least acceptance among his children. So, I can safely bet that he will have mentioned us to them, probably in more detail in fact. But, I'm pretty sure they'll have gotten the glossy brochure version of events, whatever that may be. I mean, I'm sure my father wouldn't have told them they are the result of an affair. But quite what he's told them I'm not sure.

I think my main issue isn't the fact this half brother only shares half of my genes. But if I accept him as a brother in any capacity, I'll also be accepting half the genes of a woman who has hurt our family so so much! I'll be validating my father's affair with this woman.

But yet I know he is also a victim of circumstance too, and you're right BarbGonyo in that we don't chose how we come into this world. Which is why I don't resent him as a person. (But maybe a little as a brother?!! I really don't know)

We've all managed in our own ways to move on or get over this long affair. It's something we've gotten used to, or have dealt with - done and dusted (almost). But suddenly, I'll be face to face with the product, or embodiment of this affair. All the years of pain, feelings of rejection (from my father), and hurt will be realised in this person - my half brother. I'm not sure if I'm being clear enough. The affair itself was not tangible, we knew it existed, could feel the effect, but could not see it - it had no physical form. But pretty soon, I'll meet the physical evidence of it, and even now I'm feeling the can of worms starting to re-open!

Hmmm, reading what I've just written, I think I'm afraid that I haven't fully dealt with all the issues concerning the affair. I mean, is it possible to be totally ok with something like that? I just can't quite discern if an old wound is about to reopen itself, or if the wound never quite fully healed in the first place.

Well, thank you again for your words of wisdom. I'll be meeting my half brother in about 3 weeks time. He'll be staying with our father and I for 2 months. That's plenty of time to get to know one another. From reading the other posts on this site, I plan to take things very slowly. In a way, a part of me hopes it goes horibbly wrong, and that we won't get on at all! That way I can spare myself of the guilt and loyalty issues I have. But don't worry, it's not how I intend to start off this meeting.

Whatever happens, I'll keep you up dated. If my experience can help anyone in the future, then great, as there's not a great deal of places one can go to find support on these issues.

[BarbGonyo]

HEllo again,

I'm so glad you are writing this down before you meet and hope you will continue to do so until the meeting as it seems to be bringing out feelings you try not to see until you write them down. Such as hoping that the reunion would be a failure so that you don't have to deal with the disloyalty issue you have with your original family.

You may feel that if you like your brother and accept him, you will be accepting his mother and the affair. The feeling that you would give the ok to that relationship must make you feel that your mother would be dishonored.

I realize that an affair isn't only between two people but all of the people involved. Each of you will have your deep rooted resentments including this very young, young man.

He is only 19 and not as seasoned as you are in life and being from somewhat of a diferent generation may have different outlooks on all of this. He may feel that he is the one shunned by your family. I'm sure sibling rivalry will rear it's ugly head for both of you.

Perhaps before your meeting, having a long talk with your father to get out your feelings and opinions may be of help to you. He may want to ignore it all and just hope you can all be one happy family, but there seems to be a lot of wounds.

It may be a good idea to write to this brother or speak on the phone before the day of meeting, to set some pace in this meeting.

I too, am good at advice and realize that you are asking for advice but may not be thrilled with what I'm saying. I too, am blunt and to the point because it is a waste of time for both of us if I smooth it all over for you and walk around issues to make you feel better. So I hope I'm not too hard on you when I say that you might want to remember you are the one who is the adult here and he is really just a child looking for some answers.

The issue being that even though you are 34, you are in this situation also a child. The wounded child who feels that this boy had something to do with the pain that your mother and your siblings and you suffered due to their affair. It seems to me that it was more than just a fling as children resulted from this relationship. It sounds as though your father would have loved to have all of you, the children and two wives.

Take it slow and take this time to go back into what you feel so that you don't bring your pain and hostility to your brother. It doesn't belong to him it belongs to your father.

Keep writing even if you don't want answers because it is a real eye opener.

Barb Gonyo

[Leia]

i too am the result of an affair my father had, I am in your brothers position, I have two full blood siblings who were also produced as the result of an affair.
When i met another half sibling, on my fathers side i felt quite afraid that i would be rejected, and i WAS. Not by my half sibling but by my father.
it felt awful enough to have never known my father and to find we were born out of wedlock to a man who was already married with children.
but to be denied twice then three times?
its my 'father' whom i have issues with, (like Barb says in a previous note.)
i resent HIM, for denying me siblings that existed to keep HIS reputation, ..my full siblings and half siblings are not the only ones fathered by this man.
we've all grown up apart, born by the same man, and never having known each other, meeting the third child he conceived with my mother (who was adopted out) is now the reason i am in a full blood brother sister relationship.
i resent him because he fathered 7+ children, denied me my siblings and because of him , life will never be the same, as I live a half life of secrets and lies.
My half sibling on meeting couldnt have been more welcoming, if he had rejected me also, it would have been very confusing.. and a blow to my self esteem. i in fact resented him having had 'our' father all his life, PLUS his mother. Its not our fault who our parents are.
none of us asks to be born.
I hope you find it in yourself to realise your half brother is in fact JUST that, your half brother, not the reason for your fathers failings.
Will you be meeting your half sister anytime from this union?
Good luck

[MrQuandary]

Hi Barb & Leia,

Wow, you've given me a lot to think about. But in a good way.

I'm not really sure how to respond, but here goes!

Firstly, I'm really glad I happened upon this site. It's good to know I'm not being a big baby and whining about my issues, and that they are valid, and that other people have experienced similar or even more complicated situations.

Sibling rivalry: Hehe! Yes, I've felt that already. During the times my father has mentioned this half brother in the past, I have been offish with him. (My full siblings would have just shut him up completely, even if he had dared to speak about him in their presence) But, I have listened to what he had to say, because I'm curious as to what kind of person this H/B is, what achievements he's had, how he's doing in life; just so I can make my own comparisons about him and me. I want to be the better son, I want to have done better in life. Of course, you can't compare two different people, nor two different lives, but still, I somehow wanted to be on top! Yet, I've never felt like this about my own siblings nor about their offspring for that matter. I'm always genuinely happy to hear of their achievements, and progress. Out of everything I think this is the least of my problems!

Talking to my father: I'm pretty sure he's more than willing to share his knowledge of his other family. But I just can't bring myself to ask him about them, despite being very curious. Again, asking him about them, validates his actions. He and his actions are the LAST thing I want to validate.

Writing to or speaking with my half brother: I'd have to ask my father for his contact details in order to do this. I won't do this because of the above point. Besides, I've thought about your suggestion, and though it's a good idea when both parties want/have decided to meet. I'm really not sure this is the case. As far as I know, he's coming for a holiday, and staying with his father. I just happen to be living here too. (Which he knows about) It also boils down to pride and 'face'. I can't be certain 'I' won't be rejected over the phone. I think a face to face meeting would work best in my case. I think we both need to tread lightly at first, to test the water. You can tell a lot from facial expressions, and body language, perhaps more than voice alone; things you can't do by phone.

Barb, Leia, MamaR or anyone else who's posted/will post, I fully appreciate your advice. You're right in that you may say things I don't always want to hear, but that's why I decided to post here anyway. I need a reality check. The reality I'm facing is unchartered territory for me, and for most everyday people. But people here know what I'm talking about, so you're the right kind of people to help. If I'd wanted to be pacified, I'd probably call Samaritans! So don't not post or don't not say something because you're afraid of upsetting me. It's good to be aware of best and worse case scenarios and everything in between in order to best deal with what lies ahead.

Barb, you're right in that my father wants to have us all, children and wives. This is where the plot thickens! You see, his father (my grandfather), and his father's brother (my great-uncle), both had 5 wives each. No, you didn't read it wrong! Back in the 1920's-30's in Hong Kong, it was fully acceptable to marry more than one wife. It wasn't just a matter of status, or laxes in morality, but perhaps mortality rates of children, and sheer workforce power of having more women in the family. As a result, if you look at our family tree, and a lot of HK families' family trees, you'll see a lot of half siblings and wives. But, those half siblings are all accepted as full siblings, and raised together as such. The wives all accepted and ranked by sequence. Which is where my father went wrong! He thought he could do the same as his father. But, times change. What was acceptable in the 20s-30's HK, was certainly NOT acceptable in 80's UK!! Does my father have a legitimate excuse for his affair? NO! Was what he did wrong? YES, YES, YES!!

Despite the above, it adds another twist to my situation. Perhaps even more of a reason to accept my half brother. If he'd been born 50 years earlier, he would have just been accepted as a full sibling, with none of the issues. I mean it's very clear how most relatives view his position in 'our' family - a pretty low status one, because they have 'moved' with the times. We can't choose how we're born into this world, and I don't think we have a choice when we come into this world. So why should my H/B be punished for being born at the 'wrong' time?!

Leia, I value your comments. Though I can't be sure my H/B shares your feelings, I'll certainly bear it in mind. I'm very sorry to hear how your father has been to you. When you hear the phrase "You need a licence to own a dog, but anyone can have children" it really strikes a chord with me!! I understand my father once admitted to my mother that he has a daughter (approx 43 now), with an English woman - the result of an earlier affair. Actually, it wasn't until this last affair became known to us, did our mother confess that our father had cheated throughout their marriage!! She'd had concealed this from us, to protect his 'fatherly image' and our relationship with him. When we found out, we were like 'What the hell for?!!' She'd thought about leaving him quite early on, when only my two eldest siblings had been born. It gets complicated as she wouldn't have been able to take my siblings with her. My father's family would not have allowed that to happen, and even if she attempted to, they would have tracked the children down and retrieved them. So faced with that, the only other option would have been to leave the children behind. That's one thing she just couldn't do. Much later on, before I was born, my mother attempted suicide, but was talked out of it, again for the sake of her children. That is why (as well as many many other things she's done for us kids, and the fact that she was such a wonderful mother) I feel so strongly about my upholding my mother's honour, and why I hated my father so damn much. That is why I'm having difficulty staying objective about this half brother.

But, from both your comments, I can see yes, he's still a child. I think back to when I was his age, just starting out in adult life, and I appreciate that it can't be easy being in his shoes. So, I will try my very best to extend him my hand of friendship, if not at first brotherhood (blood ties aside, I'm not sure if I can be an instant brother to him, nor if he'll accept). Either way, I'll be patient. I don't expect him to warm to me instantly either for whatever reason. We shall see.

[BarbGonyo]

I wondered if you would respond again today or not. I'm glad you did. I can see that your mind is working overtime to figure out your feelings and your needs.

Again I will say that your issues are with your father and the treatment of your mother and actually have nothing to do with this boy. The problem is, because you won't be able to fix your feelings about and with your father, you might use him to take out your feelings about the affair.

Do you think you could be able to switch your brain into a different mode such as not thinking of this man/boy as a hb or a blood relative but as someone you may or may not like to get to know?

You talked of wanting a little brother when you were growning up. Well even if he is your younger brother he is coming into your life as a young man and can't really fulfill the role you have dreamed of. He may be a very nice young man or one with more problems than you want to know about. As the old saying goes,"Be careful what you pray for".

I keep using the word young because I feel that 19 year old men are still boys and not men.

I keep thinking of people that reunite and have feelings of GSA. The sexual issues that grow become a problem not because they are oversexed people but because they have never dealt with the issues of the years spent not knowing each other and want an instant bond as if they were never apart. They begin to mean too much to each other because of all the unresolved issues that were never dealt with before they met.

When I met my son, I wasn't dumb enough to think he would come back to me as my baby, but a full grown man. But my longings were for that baby that I had grieved for for 26 years and took on a life of their own.

I'm also thinking of your fathers background in Hong Kong and the way that they lived their lives back then and even now their ways are different than here or the U.K.

I'm sure your father just doesn't understand why you all make such a fuss about him having affairs or other families. He probably thinks you are the one that needs the adjustment in attitude not him.

I think you started out just a little nervous about meeting a relative and then it grew into all the unfinished episodes in your life. You loved your mother very much and feel that she was badly treated, which she was, but this boy is not to blame for that.

I know in your head you know that but your heart is getting in your way.

You have a lot to think about before you meet him. I hope this website will help you get through it.

Barb Gonyo

[MrQuandary]

Thanks Barb for your last post.

It's been a good few days since my last post. In that time I've also spoken to close friends about this situation. And given it more thought. If you could've seen my mind working, you'd probably see one of those supercomputers used to calculate mathematical problems - the ones that fill an entire room, and have whirring mechanical parts! I'm now in a much more peaceful frame of mind, and am ready as I'll ever be, to meet my HB.

The more I think about it, the more I feel sorry for these two kids. Unlike Leia, they have had a father in their lives, but that's the only family member they have from our father's side. We on the other hand have everyone one else too. I'm not talking about the you-only-see-them-at-weddings-or-funerals type of relatives, but my grandparents in particular. Because of geograpghy, I didn't get a chance to get to know my father's father, but my siblings did. My father's mother on the otherhand, helped to look after me when my parents were working. She was such a lovely, loving grandma, who had a unique take on life I found so refreshing. Unfortunately, for my half siblings, they will never get to know them, nor receive their love. Although yes, we've had a terrible time over this affair, but when I think about it in more depth, I do consider myself fortunate. Despite being the youngest (arguably the least able to cope), I had support, love and understanding not only from my immediate family, but extended family, and friends. Together we were able to stay strong, and stay as a family regardless.

This website has helped me immensely already! It's opened my eyes to a wider picture. I will probably still need your help and support over the coming weeks, depending on what happens.

Barb, you brought up the topic of GSA in your last post. Do you think that through my childhood dream to have a brother, this wish could transpire into feelings of GSA?

To be honest, despite posting at a GSA website, I haven't given this too much thought. It's too terrifying to think too much about, considering what I have on my plate right now. Also, through reading posts here and articles about reunions/GSA, I've gathered that GSA feelings between two male half or full siblings are rare. I think there could be some sort of attraction there, but I'm really not sure if they would be sexual. Either way, this is something I've read about, and will bear in mind, should either of us start to experience it.

Now all my mental and emotional prep is done, I have to wait! I'd just like to get the initial meeting over with, so that we can move on. Either to get to know one another and bond, or completely fall out at first sight. Whatever happens, it'll be better than this not knowing!

[MamaR]

Quandry, I have to respond to something that you wrote earlier about how accepting your half-brother who carries genes from his mother would mean "accepting the woman who CAUSED so much pain." While her presence in your father's life was certainly not pleasant or acceptable for any of you, she is not the worst or the primary perpetrator, here. Your father is the one who needs to answer for his arrogance and infidelity, first and foremost. That he seems to feel that he was entitled to his peccadillo says a lot about his character.

I never saw my younger half-siblings' mother in that kind of light. If anything, I resented my mother for being so "weak" (or so I saw it at the time) as to allow him to come back to us. My father was an adulterer and a charmer and I didn't see her as one of the villains, but just another victim. Yes, she knew that my mother and the children of his marriage to my mother existed, but she also thought she was deeply in love and believed my father's stories of impending divorce, etc. He was the real perpetrator. He was self-centered, over-indulgent of his sex drive and had no regard for the feelings and needs of others, including my siblings' mother. I imagine it was as hard for her to take living as the "other woman" and her children being illegitimate as it was for us to deal with my father's actions and her existence.

I cannot honestly feel resentment towards her (she passed away from cancer a few years before my mom died) and my mother never really resented her all that much...it was all on Dad's head. Your half-brother's mother is probably the same...not a monster or someone who set out to take a husband away from his family, but a woman who loved not wisely but too well. If she put up with his situation, then she either felt herself to be deeply dependent on him and, from what you say, there may have been cultural influences as well. Low self-esteem will also cause a woman or even a man to remain in an inappropriate relationship like this one.

Hating her is not hurting anyone but you and is it really helping your mother? You don't have to love her or accept her into your life, but you could look honestly at your father's attitudes and apparent feelings of self-entitlement and cut the lady a little slack. That is just being honest, not being disloyal to your Mom. Maybe easing up a little on your attitude towards her might help with your relationship with your brother.

None of you are to blame for what your father did and if he, in his declining years, still refuses to accept the fact that what he did was dead wrong and that he is responsible for hurting a great many people, then that is his bad decision. My father felt the same and resenting the mother of the children of his affair is not going to change what happened and was, in my case, a waste of valuable emotional energy that brought no positive returns. This is just my opinion so please take it for what it is worth.