getting heated

[BarbGonyo]

Hello everyone who reads this site.

I would like to talk to all of you. I don't get a chance to read every post and don't know exactly what is going on between all of you that write to each other.

I also answer many posts in the PM section for reasons of privacy for them.

Lately we seem to be getting many people using this site to advertise either their buisness, products, or ideas that are beyond GSA support. They have their own agenda and because this site has the word sex in it they think it is a site for those who are interested in all types of sexual behavior or who consider themselves liberal in all matters.

Just to let all of you know that I personally do not condone these actions and delete them without opening them. I hope you will do the same.

Another message from me is that I'm sorry to see that there are some who feel they must defend themselves and what they feel. Please don't do that. We all have a right to what we feel and if we don't agree with another person that is alright but lets not choose each other to be mad at.

When a person wants to share it is to educate another person about what happened to them in hopes of perhaps saving them pain. This doesn't mean that the other people will listen to the advice. We as humans tend to think that we can be different and it will work for us. Maybe it will. Maybe it won't. But lets try to be understanding of everyones story.

There are those who feel that they are doing the right thing even if the whole world would think it is wrong and they lose all other relationships. They will be looking for others to agree with them and join forces. They have that right. It is very hard to think you are right when the whole world thinks you are wroing.

I would hope that these relationships would let the others on the site how long they have been at this and what it has caused for others and if it has been successful in the long run. I feel that some of these relationships will also go by the wayside in time due to the stress and issues.

My last plea is to not be graphic in our explanations of experiences that are sexual. I know todays society seems to think it is fine to shock and tell it all but being old fashioned, I prefer to not be privy to all the details.

I know how I felt and I know how compelling it was to live every moment thinking of nothing else but the person I had lost and found again and try to put him into my life. So I do understand what you are feeling and appreciate that you will share with others in hopes of saving them some pain.

Some people may just want to or feel the need to think they are right no matter what happened and who it hurt and try to persuade others that the world should just accept GSA and change the laws so that we can be together as couples.

I try to get the point across that they can be together forever without being lovers and breaking up families. For some that will never be enough. They have been too wounded before the reunion. Too needy. They lack the skills of intimacy and believe that intimacy can only be had through sex.

We can only share what we know that could help them. For those looking for advice on this site, they have to make their own choices. If you go to a doctor because you are hurting and he prescribes medicine but you choose not to take it, that is your choice. But if the pain remains, you can't blame the doctor.

So hopefully we will be careful while dealing with our pain, to not take our anger out on those who are sharing their stories and try to remember that we come from all generations and some of us older folks have become sensitive to the new openess in the world that states we have a right to do anything we want.

We may have the right, but we also have to pay the price.

I commend you all our your courage to even look up this site and look for help. I want to make it available so that you can learn and vent. Be grateful to all your fellow GSA people who are willing to tell their experiences so you can get the big picture.

I thank you all,

Barb Gonyo

[MrQuandary]

Hi Barb,

As you may recall, I'm a pretty new member here. I found this site after searching the net for advice/support.

It certainly was eye-opening to read the various threads on reunions, and GSA. But what I found was that indeed there is a lot of rogue 'posts' which brings down the tone of this forum. Can these posts/threads be deleted completely, so that they no longer show up? For example the advertisment posts/porn link ones. I think it could potentially put off people looking for advice.

Personally, I've found the site to be very useful, and I've benefited a lot from the responses to my posts. But, I do feel somewhat exposed, (even though no-one knows my real identity) because there are people looking for cheap thrills, or 'entertainment'. People reading this now might think, well, don't post if you feel that vulnerable, but that's not the point. The forum should be a safe place to post what you're experiencing/thinking, knowing only people who have been through/experienced what you're going through are reading - Not weirdos.

I don't know how that could be achieved, but maybe tighter membership rules? Only members can read the threads after membership verification? And abusive/incorrect use of the site will lead to cancelation?!

These are only my comments, as my intention is for this site to grow, and be a safer place for it's members. As it is, I think you're doing a great job!

[MamaR]

Very good ideas, MrQ. I heartily agree. I worry that my adult children, intense Internet users, might come here, read and recognize me. They know my style of writing. I am hoping that they won't show any prurient interest in the subject since, as far as I know, none of them have had any experience with GSA.

[BarbGonyo]

Thank you to those who are writing about the posts that are not to do with GSA. I'm sorry for my lack of knowledge about the computer and will forward your message to my provider. He has told me to just X it out but that's not doing it.

Barb

[TheOtherWoman]

I don't like the perverts here either. However, I think it's just the time and place we're at in this world of technology, information, and all that goes with it. As much as I dislike them, I feel more strongly that if we want an open forum, it needs to be visible and accessible to all.

Speaking for myself, I had to (1) read many many posts and, (2) frankly, be blown away and impressed at other people's courage to be so publicly candid, and (3) really need to respond to a post; all in order to become a member. It was a several month process between at first just watching to later becoming a member. I'm not a pervert. Just someone suffering and scared of how "icky" I am (how I felt before) for being part of GSA. I tried registering for another "more exclusive" gsa forum, and my request was denied. I didn't fit into their idea of members.

Barbara, Thank you for welcoming we SO's. Others may think we may be a rowdy bunch and not to be trusted. I'd say that if there are SO's who care enough to find out what GSA is about, that they would have the manners to be constructive and polite here as I've tried to do. At least that's my hope. I was told that my presence in the forum would keep people "involved in GSA" from being able to be candid. My husband left me for his daughter! Hello!? I think I'm "Involved in GSA". (sorry, just had to put in that quick rant. :wink: ) Anyway, I think w'ere all involved and "qualified" to help one another through sharing experiences and support.

So, as much as it isn't pleasant to have the occasional pervert who thinks that we may be perverts, too, I would tend towards ignoring and deleting them if the alternative is being exclusive and shutting out the scared and shy people who don't know where else to turn. They won't become members if they can't openly view who we are.

Besides, the perverts and scammers aren't above lying to become members anyway, so there's no keeping them out without keeping out the people we want to really share with. Sad, but, I believe, true.

That's my two cents for what it's worth.

[BarbGonyo]

Thanks for your input. I'm trying to get rid of the spammers and those looking for buisness and thrills as that is not what we are about.

I'm pleased that you are sharing as a Significant other so everyone who reads the post can see all sides. We GSAs think that it is all abou us only but no one is totally alone in this world and our actions and lives ripple out to touch many other lives.

Barb G

[TheOtherWoman]

Well, today I signed in and see what a big problem it is with the spammers postings. Yikes! What a hassle.

Barb, Hello!
In addition to being a Significant Other in this "other" adoption triad, I am also an adoptee who heard of GSA in the early 90's in a reunion search class. I've been searching for info on it every chance I get for the past decade. Your website has been, by far, the most helpful.

I'm afraid of making the wrong choices if gsa hits me. I am a very passionate person and get swept away by emotions and people and beautiful sunsets... Pretty much in love with life. I have always feared that I am extremely vulnerable to gsa given my personality. I have had the foresight to ask my husband to be very supportive, educated, and available if I ever did reunite. So, my continued presence here is also self protection insurance for my future reunion. I'm hoping it doesn't "hit me", but want to be ready if it does. So thank you for this forum to help people in my role (now the adoptee) with wisdom, and as close to a game plan as you can get when something like this comes out of left field. I've read enough to be respectful of it's power. Then I witnessed it in my own life and it is "all that."

I just pray that I've got the strength when I need it -- when all logic and planning goes out the window. There are some amazing people here sharing! Thanks to everyone.

Cheers!

[BarbGonyo]

to the other woman,

You're welcome. Other than the new problems with people who want to flaunt their wares on this site as a parasite, we have had a lot of success with this site.

By success I don't mean getting to get people to read my book, as requests are far and few between, or publicity, but people who are able to find out what GSA is all about not only from me but from all those who have or are going through it.

When I was engulfed in GSA feelings there were few soft places to fall and talk about what I felt. I got comfort from a couple of people, as I mention in the book who knew what it was and what I was going through. But in those days it was so taboo that eveyone was afraid of it.

You are very wise to read up on this side of GSA before reunions. I know you have experienced from the S.O. side which is not easy by any means, but this will not be any easier.

You may meet all your relatives and not connect that way at all. Millions of adoptees and bparents have been reunited without GSA feelings.

The way you describe yourself as being very sentimental is easy for me to understand because as tough as I sound most of the time, I cry watching dog food commercials so you know what a moosh I can be. I also have a tough analytical mind which saves my sanity.

So keep reading and learning and hopefully you will grow strong and know how to deal with what you will be feeling.

Just to share a story with you. A BM-A who was in my group way back when I started in the early 80s, is still in touch with me and we are friends now instead of fellow BMs. She searched for her son when he was 18 he is now in his 40s. He did not respond so she dropped it.

After a long difficult search she found her bm who would not admit who she was. She never pursued a meeting but would call once a year to let her mother know that she was still out there. My freind is now in her 60s.

She tried hard to walk away from all adoption issues to get on with her life but it never truly left her. While on the computer one day she looked up some geneology stuff and found her mothers last name and pulled up information on the family and found that a man with that name was getting together a family reunion.

After all those years, she decided that she was tired of protecting her mothers privacy and called this man. It turns out he was the mothers brother and he was absolutely thrilled to talk to her and wanted her to fly to them for the reunion. He said the mother was still alive but not on good terms with any of them.

Long story short: She has since met all family members including her mother who after 3 visits, died. The woman was ill for years so she was happy to at least get to know her. Since then my friend is so close to her bfamily and has travelled with them and feels that she belongs for the first time in her life.

The reason I'm telling you this long story is because I hadn't heard from her in a couple of years and she called to tell me about the uncle and how she felt so..........close to him. She said I think I know what you have been talking about all these years. I invited her over and we talked about GSA. She was well aware of what it was and why it was happening.

I reminded her that he was the first one that openly accepted her and made her feel as though she belonged to them. Her mother and son had rejected her. But now she was home. Her adoptive parents were dead but now once again she had family. She belonged and this uncle was responsible for this. Why wouldn't she love him and want to be close to him?

I told her to call him uncle .....everytime she saw him or spoke to him. She did. She established the boundaries that she knew she needed. In a few short months the GSA longings were gone and she was totally a member of this family with acceptance fromr almost all of them. There is usually a hold out somewhere. I have never seen her this happy. She is a survivor of cancer and adoption.

So there is hope but it is hard and it is work and it requires a great effort. Our longings to belong and be loved totally may have been missing due to the separation of adoption. No matter how much we are loved by our adopted families, we still want approval and belonging to be ours from our blood relatives. Sometimes we are truly blessed.

I heard a quote the other day that "we may not always like all members of our families, that's why God invented Friends." So I hope you will find friends on this site to help you and inform you and give you guidance.

Keep up the good work.
Barb Gonyo