dont know how to be

[mwoo6i1485]

hi everyone first of all id just like to say i think it would be a real shame if this site closes down ,i know things have got very heated lately but i for one dont know how i would have handled things if i didnt read your storys and receive all your encorouging words, i think i would have gone mad if it had not been for the fact of talking to everyone here.
any way the reason im sending this post is because iv been speaking to my h/bro and he wants to take me out next week,the reason being he has pushed it aside for so long and he does want things to work out as siblings ,he wants to see how he feels being with me and weather or not he can handle it or not.im pleased hes finally going to make an effort and in my eyes it shows he does care witch means alot but im really nervous i know im going to melt when i see him ,and i just dont know how to act round him at the moment ,its like starting all over again but i really dont want either of us to feel akward .i have said we wont talk about what happened btween us cause i dont think that will help and he just wants to try and forget it.im worried im linning myself up for another fall,what if he decides after seeing me that he cant handle and thats it the end alltogether i would be deverstated.
if anyone can give any advice,words of wisdom it would be much apriciated thanks
take care x

[Luke]

The import thing is, he still cares about you. That's a great starting point.

I don't think I can offer any advice that would help, apart from just take small steps.

I wish you both all the very best

[mwoo6i1485]

hello luke
just wanted to say thanks for your support.
it hasnt come to anything as yet but wer going to try and get together over the next few weeks hopfully,i am very nurvouse and will defanatly taking things slow the only way is forward .no pain no gain ah just hope things go wll for both of us.
thanks again x
mwoo

[BarbGonyo]

I'm sure you're very nervous about your upcoming meeting thinking he may not be able to handle the pressure of a new type relationship.

You asked for advice on how to handle this. It made me think of what my son would tell me when I'd get into heavy discussions. He would just tell me to keep it light. In other words talk about events, life things we like but nothing that would be confronting any issues.

That was difficult for me because small talk is not my good point. But it was comfortable for him so that's what I did. There were times where I couldn't call him at all because I couldn't be myself with him.

But that is all behind us now and we seem to be quite comfortable in conversations and we both still have the sense of humor that is so much alike and that is helpful.

I'm not saying this is easy and it took years of trying to get it right or let it go. I'm glad I didn't give up because it has worked out well for us especially when he needed medical information about his brain tumor. Had I not found him, I'm sure that it would have been more difficult to wonder what was in his family background.

So see if you can try to enjoy each others company and get reaquainted. If the conversation gets too heavy, he may be frightened of his own feelings. You may have to be the strong one.

Barb G

[mwoo6i1485]

hi everyone,
well after thinking things were moving forward longlast its come to nothing eccept a long line of exscuses,after much frustration and many tearfull convasations i told him no more and finally plucked up the curage to tell him why iv proberly been so needy and despratly wanting to know that he did care about me at all or ever,some thing that iv told no one for the last year inclding my h/bro after our split i found out i was pregnant and went through an abortion on my own due to fear of telling anyone.i cant go right into this because its painfull .i didnt tell him to cause him pain or upset him only to try and make him understand,i couldnt take the lies and exscuses anymore and his self obsortion in his own feelings with no consideration for mine.but he broke down and sobed telling me hes never loved anyone like he loves me and thaught it would be better all round if he wasnt in my life,he was so wronge.i want my brother back in my life but just cant see any way forward did i do the wronge thing ?i just dont know he has a family as do i and what i wanted more than anything is for him to be apart of it but he has said he dosnt know if he can even try because of the way he feels about me ,i just cant see any way beyond this none exsistace.

[MamaR]

mwoo...I am going to treat this like any other kind of love relationship. Why is it so hard to imagine getting over it? Why is the current absence of him in your life called a "non-existence?" Any time we give another person that much power over our serenity and happiness, we have gone from love into co-dependence. After years of a co-dependent first marriage, I can tell you that it isn't a good place to be.

A good relationship between two people is best when both individuals are standing on their own two feet, rather than leaning on the other and making them responsible for the happiness of the other. You give each other happiness by gaining your own within yourself and sharing it..not by an obsessive passion that goes nowhere. If he wants to do whatever it takes to preserve his family and grow past this GSA thing, then why not support him in that? Do you have the need to wrk at preserving your family? Love is wanting what is best for the loved ones, even when it isn't what we might want for ourselves.

It took me so many years to learn this. I hope that you can get past it sooner and without the pain I had to endure.

[mwoo6i1485]

hello mamar,
i understand what you are saying but i think youv miss understood me,by none exsistance i mean in his life as a sister ,sure i know this doesnt come easy but its the bond and conection with him i miss and doing all those normal family things that surly would help us both get past all whats happened.the whole reason for our split was to presurve our family lives which i am quite happy in.i have suported him all a long with all his choices but surly this should go both ways for it to be any kind of relationship,i just cant take all the let downs anymore,he says he really wants me in his life as a sister but does nothing for that to happen he lives 5 mins down the road and yet iv seen him breifly twice in the last 14 months.am i wronge for wanting something back after all this time anything just to show he does mean what hes been telling me all this time?mwoo

[MamaR]

No Hon...I don't think it's wrong to want some kind of acknowledgement from him. But he is battling his own demons just like my h/b had to and keeping his distance and his silence was the only way he could do that. He may also feel, as did my h/b, that he is protecting you from the consequences of the intensity of the relationship.

If he is wanting to keep his marriage intact, he may be needing to concentrate on that, alone. Spouses pick up vibes...even when someone says that the spouse is the last to know, that's not exactly true. In their guts, spouses know when their relationship is threatened and when someone has strayed.

Were I in your shoes, I would not force your brother to communicate with you until he feels the situation is comfortable enough to do so. If your communication with him carries intense undercurrents of emotional needs and demands, he may not see that you are ready to be just a sister to him. That he broke down when you talked shows that he is still struggling.

While it is the hardest thing to do, accepting separation in time and distance can give you the opportunity to get past the neediness and concentrate on your own issues. There was a time...about 10 months after my h/b broke things off, that I would have also said I would "melt" if we met or spoke. Now, I just feel happy to see and/or hear from him just like I do any other member of my family. There is no longer that needy ache inside..just peace and fondness.

Take heart that he wants you for a sister. That is a wonderful relationship and achieving the goal of a normal sibling relationship is a worthy objective. That he broke down, shows that he is still striving but hasn't completely made it yet. I'd let him do just that and would work on my own issues. It can be done. I did it because I was determined to do it and was willing to let go of the romantic and sexual fixations. Why not, when they were causing me such pain? You have a lot going on that is hurting you and I know that you feel adrift and bereft. But you were created a whole person and you can get past this.

My father deserted us, just disappeared, when I was only 5 and my sisters were even younger. I also lost two children to forced/coerced adoption, was date-raped (which conceived the second child I lost) and was betrayed by the father of my first child who left me alone with my pregnancy without even an explanation. I have experience with abandonment and loss issues. Adopted people are not the only ones who have those issues. Seeking counseling and working towards emotional healing helped me see that what I was looking for in the GSA relationship with my h/b was something I needed to find within myself. A sense of completeness that is contingent on the love, approval, attention and presence of any other person is a house of cards that, in my experience, can and usually will collapse.

Sir Paul McCartney knew what he was talking about when he wrote, "Let It Be."

[mwoo6i1485]

hello everyone,
its been quite a while since iv posted , iv had a lot to deal with.
well i did have that meeting with my h/bro,it wasnt easy i can tell you .
hes sertanly put up many barriors where im concerned,anyway we talked for a couple of hours even though it seemed like minutes.i could see in his eyes how hard he found it and that hes feelings for me hadnt changed even after all this time.he told me he is still in love with me and feels deep shame and guilt at this out come.all comunication has been cut now he feels he can not maintain any sort of relationship with me as he finds it so hard to cope with his emotions.i cant tell you how painfull this is i tryed so hard for it to work so i could have my brother in my life regardless of my deeper feelings,but its taken out of my hands now and its time to give up.i know i have got to try and cut off my tyes to him and distance myself to try and get passed this feeling of loss and i dont expect it to be easy but i know its the only way forward.
thanks for listen
take care to all x

[BarbGonyo]

I'm sorry to hear of your outcome with your brother. One would hope we could get past our actions and feelings and move on to be together as it was meant to be, siblings.

I think it is wise of you to move on but I would recommend sending him cards at holidays and birthdays just to wish him well and keep the door open. Time may heal the wounds and a natural feeling relationship could develop. Stranger things have happened.

I thank you for sharing your story and hope it will prevent others from thinking that we can just plunge into a sexual relationship and it will all come out ok. More times than I can count it has been negative.

I wish you both peace and healing.

Barb Gonyo