Helpful advice needed

Morawa · 07-08-2006, 07:25 AM

I am an adopted woman and have recently traced and met my birth father and many aunts and uncles.
The problem I have is that I am sexually attracted towards one of my Aunts, just from the minute I met her back in May this year I can't stop thinking about her.
Everytime I speak to my grand father he says shes always asking for me. on other occassions we have met or spoke down the phone there's just something she ignites inside of me, does this sound crazy?
I'm gay and with what I have been told and know she is too, but she can't bring herself to tell her father as she had a brother who was gay but sadly took his own life because my grandfather disapproved.
It's a bit like " I know that she knows, that she knows I know" she is gay too! My reason for joining this group is so that I can talk and maybe learn from others who experienced similar.
I'm lost and really don't what to as I will be in her company again and just looking at her melts me. The worst part of it all is that I'm in a relationship with my partner of seven years and I feel guilty because my partner doens't make me feel the way that my Auunt does.
Can anyone help? I'd be vey grateful for any advice given............

niki79 · 07-08-2006, 12:42 PM

I was in the same boat as you a couple years ago with my biological brother (see my story in my post "can't believe I'm not the only one"). I haven't talked to him in over a year and have had time to sort things out in my head a little bit. I know it sounds simple but I look back and understand that I was not in love with him like I thought. I was in love with the feeling of belonging and he was my only link to my mother who died and I never met.
It really screws up our brains meeting our kin when we are adults. We are so used to those feelings being associated with love and attraction to a life partner and so we think that's what's going on.
Are you and your partner close? Would it be possible to tell her about the feelings you are having for your aunt? Maybe show her this website and all the other people who go through this?
I say think about all the possibilities before jumping into something with your aunt. 7 years is a lot to throw away, especially if your partner was there for you when you found your family.
Good luck

Happy1 · 07-13-2006, 01:25 AM

Avoid your aunt and these feelings will hopefully go away perhaps you've just got a crush or unhappy with your partner anyway.

BarbGonyo · 07-13-2006, 09:06 AM

Welcome to the website. I hope you will feel that it is helpful.

What you are feeling is not any different than what others feel when meeting someone who like your aunt is very much like you and is filling a lot of needs inside of you to know yourself and to see yourself in another person as most adopted people don't get to do this in their adoptive lives.

The fact that you are both gay has even a stronger pull for you. This is someone you can feel will not judge you or reject you in any way.

No matter how many relatives we meet it seems that it is only one that we are drawn to and the reasons are usually because they are a mirror to ourselves.

I agree that we get lsex confused with the need to be wanted. We feel the same way as we do in any romantic relationship but due to the problems it can later cause, I feel you must be very careful not to ruin what you could have as aunt and niece.

I can't even imagine what your family would think if your aunt who is still not open about her sexuality would feel if they found out the two of you were linked sexually.

I had a Gay woman approach me years ago at a conference when I gave a workshop on GSA and told me that she also was so attracted to an aunt who was not Gay. She was really in a lot of pain over her feelings and knew that she wanted the relationship to be one that would last their whole lives and had to make the decision to not scare her aunt away by her feelings.

I'm sorry to say I don't know the outcome because I never heard from her after that which is typical of those I meet in those settings.

There is also the fidelity that you have to your current partner. It is no different than any other relationship that you are committed to. Once you cross the line in the new relationship there is the danger of losing the current relationship only to find out down the road that the new relationship goes bad due to all the other people who may want you to go away if you bring in this situation to the family.

There is a lot to think about and when you are drawn so deeply to another person.What we want is to just have our own way, thinking that is the answer. But........is it?

How wonderful it would be to be able to share feelings with this woman who is so like you and who has experienced what you are experiencing in life. Is it so terrible to have her as your aunt without haveing a sexual relationship?

We all seem to think we can't have a closness without sexual relations.

I have wonderful people in my life who are friends for life both men and women and there is intimacy in sharing our lives and problems and adventures without the need to be sexual.

I hope you will read the posts and make judgements that will help you in your new family so as not to alienate them.

I know when anyone writes they usually really want to know "how can I have it all."..But seldom in life does having it ALLl work out.

I wish you a wonderful close bonding with your aunt.

Barb Gonyo

Morawa · 07-14-2006, 05:00 AM

Happy1,

I am happy with my partner, if I wasn't I would not be with her for 7 years, just the feeling for my Aunt is different. Also it is not a crush I have on my Aunt, thankfully I know the difference.
Through time hopefully things will work out whatever the outcome and thank you to the people who have gave me help, advise and their time.

Morawa · 07-14-2006, 05:10 AM

Happy1

I will not be avoiding my Aunt as I have only just met her and the rest of my birth family after 33 years of not knowing them. Being adopted to me is one of the worst things that ever happended to me as my adoptive family were horrible to me.........
Now for the first time in my life, I know who I am, who my family are and believe me that makes a big difference to me.
Okay I have feelings for my Aunt,. but just because you say AVOID HER!
Somehow I don't think so...............your not me and I'm not you and as the family are very close it would mean if I didn't see her I wouldn't see the rest.
Do me a favour, if you have nothing positive and helpful to say, don't say anything!!!

Morawa · 07-14-2006, 05:14 AM

niki79,

thank you for your reply post, great to know there are people like you out there.

BarbGonyo · 07-14-2006, 10:10 AM

Hello again Morawa,

I'm glad to hear that you are getting responses to your post. I would like to warn you that because you want peoples opinions, you'll might want to become thick skinned so that you take the advice that will fit your situation and read the others and understand that they don't really know much about you and your situation and in their own way want to help.

That is the danger of we are in when writing the barest of facts in a Forum and looking for answers that will make us feel better and in some cases just wanting approval from others.

All our stories vary as our lives vary. In your latest post you said you had a terrible adoptive life. When that occurs, the birth family takes on great importance to you to find approval and love and people like youself. When that happens, it is overwhelming.

When adoptees were in a loving stable family, they feel much more like that is their real family and the birth family is extended family.

I know you are going through the beginning stages of reunion and everything is magnified because your feelings are so raw and your memories of an unloving family are playing a large part in your feelings now.

I hope this will explain a bit what is happening to you. I hope you will continue to read the posts to you or in the Forum to educate yourself and to find help and be able to get through without getting angry at others for putting their views in.

There was a time in this website that I was wanting to close it down just because there were some nasty posts and I don't want to give anyone a forum to fight with each other. This site is all about helping each other.

I hope this will help you. Please write any time in the Forum or the Personal help.

Barb G

07-08-2006, 07:25 AM	#1
Morawa Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: SCOTLAND Posts: 4	Helpful advice needed I am an adopted woman and have recently traced and met my birth father and many aunts and uncles. The problem I have is that I am sexually attracted towards one of my Aunts, just from the minute I met her back in May this year I can't stop thinking about her. Everytime I speak to my grand father he says shes always asking for me. on other occassions we have met or spoke down the phone there's just something she ignites inside of me, does this sound crazy? I'm gay and with what I have been told and know she is too, but she can't bring herself to tell her father as she had a brother who was gay but sadly took his own life because my grandfather disapproved. It's a bit like " I know that she knows, that she knows I know" she is gay too! My reason for joining this group is so that I can talk and maybe learn from others who experienced similar. I'm lost and really don't what to as I will be in her company again and just looking at her melts me. The worst part of it all is that I'm in a relationship with my partner of seven years and I feel guilty because my partner doens't make me feel the way that my Auunt does. Can anyone help? I'd be vey grateful for any advice given............

07-08-2006, 12:42 PM	#2
niki79 Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Posts: 4	re: helpful advice I was in the same boat as you a couple years ago with my biological brother (see my story in my post "can't believe I'm not the only one"). I haven't talked to him in over a year and have had time to sort things out in my head a little bit. I know it sounds simple but I look back and understand that I was not in love with him like I thought. I was in love with the feeling of belonging and he was my only link to my mother who died and I never met. It really screws up our brains meeting our kin when we are adults. We are so used to those feelings being associated with love and attraction to a life partner and so we think that's what's going on. Are you and your partner close? Would it be possible to tell her about the feelings you are having for your aunt? Maybe show her this website and all the other people who go through this? I say think about all the possibilities before jumping into something with your aunt. 7 years is a lot to throw away, especially if your partner was there for you when you found your family. Good luck

07-13-2006, 09:06 AM	#4
BarbGonyo Administrator Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 291	To Helpful advice needed Welcome to the website. I hope you will feel that it is helpful. What you are feeling is not any different than what others feel when meeting someone who like your aunt is very much like you and is filling a lot of needs inside of you to know yourself and to see yourself in another person as most adopted people don't get to do this in their adoptive lives. The fact that you are both gay has even a stronger pull for you. This is someone you can feel will not judge you or reject you in any way. No matter how many relatives we meet it seems that it is only one that we are drawn to and the reasons are usually because they are a mirror to ourselves. I agree that we get lsex confused with the need to be wanted. We feel the same way as we do in any romantic relationship but due to the problems it can later cause, I feel you must be very careful not to ruin what you could have as aunt and niece. I can't even imagine what your family would think if your aunt who is still not open about her sexuality would feel if they found out the two of you were linked sexually. I had a Gay woman approach me years ago at a conference when I gave a workshop on GSA and told me that she also was so attracted to an aunt who was not Gay. She was really in a lot of pain over her feelings and knew that she wanted the relationship to be one that would last their whole lives and had to make the decision to not scare her aunt away by her feelings. I'm sorry to say I don't know the outcome because I never heard from her after that which is typical of those I meet in those settings. There is also the fidelity that you have to your current partner. It is no different than any other relationship that you are committed to. Once you cross the line in the new relationship there is the danger of losing the current relationship only to find out down the road that the new relationship goes bad due to all the other people who may want you to go away if you bring in this situation to the family. There is a lot to think about and when you are drawn so deeply to another person.What we want is to just have our own way, thinking that is the answer. But........is it? How wonderful it would be to be able to share feelings with this woman who is so like you and who has experienced what you are experiencing in life. Is it so terrible to have her as your aunt without haveing a sexual relationship? We all seem to think we can't have a closness without sexual relations. I have wonderful people in my life who are friends for life both men and women and there is intimacy in sharing our lives and problems and adventures without the need to be sexual. I hope you will read the posts and make judgements that will help you in your new family so as not to alienate them. I know when anyone writes they usually really want to know "how can I have it all."..But seldom in life does having it ALLl work out. I wish you a wonderful close bonding with your aunt. Barb Gonyo __________________ Barbara is the author of "I'm His Mother,but He's Not My Son" (formerly titled "The Forbidden Love, GSA". In the paper back edition of Forbidden Love, there are a total of 20 books left in that form. "The Forbidden Love Genetic Sexual Attraction is $15.00 plus postage and handling. Postage varies in places. In the U.S. postage comes to $2.31 Austrailia Fast Slower $8.40 one week $4.05- 4 weeks New I'm His Mother, but, He's Not My Son" will now be available electronically for your convience. The price is $15.00 check made out to Barbara Gonyo 906 Ioka Mt. Prospect, IL 60056 Upon receiving the order you will be given instructions on how to obtain the book. I hope this will be helpful to all of you who were having trouble getting the book. Barb Gonyo

07-14-2006, 05:14 AM	#7
Morawa Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: SCOTLAND Posts: 4	Re: re: helpful advice niki79, thank you for your reply post, great to know there are people like you out there.

07-14-2006, 10:10 AM	#8
BarbGonyo Administrator Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 291	some answers Hello again Morawa, I'm glad to hear that you are getting responses to your post. I would like to warn you that because you want peoples opinions, you'll might want to become thick skinned so that you take the advice that will fit your situation and read the others and understand that they don't really know much about you and your situation and in their own way want to help. That is the danger of we are in when writing the barest of facts in a Forum and looking for answers that will make us feel better and in some cases just wanting approval from others. All our stories vary as our lives vary. In your latest post you said you had a terrible adoptive life. When that occurs, the birth family takes on great importance to you to find approval and love and people like youself. When that happens, it is overwhelming. When adoptees were in a loving stable family, they feel much more like that is their real family and the birth family is extended family. I know you are going through the beginning stages of reunion and everything is magnified because your feelings are so raw and your memories of an unloving family are playing a large part in your feelings now. I hope this will explain a bit what is happening to you. I hope you will continue to read the posts to you or in the Forum to educate yourself and to find help and be able to get through without getting angry at others for putting their views in. There was a time in this website that I was wanting to close it down just because there were some nasty posts and I don't want to give anyone a forum to fight with each other. This site is all about helping each other. I hope this will help you. Please write any time in the Forum or the Personal help. Barb G __________________ Barbara is the author of "I'm His Mother,but He's Not My Son" (formerly titled "The Forbidden Love, GSA". In the paper back edition of Forbidden Love, there are a total of 20 books left in that form. "The Forbidden Love Genetic Sexual Attraction is $15.00 plus postage and handling. Postage varies in places. In the U.S. postage comes to $2.31 Austrailia Fast Slower $8.40 one week $4.05- 4 weeks New I'm His Mother, but, He's Not My Son" will now be available electronically for your convience. The price is $15.00 check made out to Barbara Gonyo 906 Ioka Mt. Prospect, IL 60056 Upon receiving the order you will be given instructions on how to obtain the book. I hope this will be helpful to all of you who were having trouble getting the book. Barb Gonyo

07-13-2006, 01:25 AM	#3
Happy1 Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Posts: 4	Avoid your aunt and these feelings will hopefully go away perhaps you've just got a crush or unhappy with your partner anyway.

07-14-2006, 05:00 AM	#5
Morawa Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: SCOTLAND Posts: 4	Happy1, I am happy with my partner, if I wasn't I would not be with her for 7 years, just the feeling for my Aunt is different. Also it is not a crush I have on my Aunt, thankfully I know the difference. Through time hopefully things will work out whatever the outcome and thank you to the people who have gave me help, advise and their time.

07-14-2006, 05:10 AM	#6
Morawa Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: SCOTLAND Posts: 4	Happy1 I will not be avoiding my Aunt as I have only just met her and the rest of my birth family after 33 years of not knowing them. Being adopted to me is one of the worst things that ever happended to me as my adoptive family were horrible to me......... Now for the first time in my life, I know who I am, who my family are and believe me that makes a big difference to me. Okay I have feelings for my Aunt,. but just because you say AVOID HER! Somehow I don't think so...............your not me and I'm not you and as the family are very close it would mean if I didn't see her I wouldn't see the rest. Do me a favour, if you have nothing positive and helpful to say, don't say anything!!!

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