All screwed up since finding this site

niki79 · 07-09-2006, 01:45 AM

I thought I was over this, its been so long since we've even talked but since I found this site I'm headed back to that place. I'm listening to the cd's we made for each other, re-reading letters and going back to the pain and the love I felt back then. It feels like peeling back the scab on an old wound that just won't heal.
I looked him up online and found his phone number. I blocked my caller id and called, praying for an answering machine and that's what I got, it's the right number.
I don't know where to go from here. I am so torn between letting things be and tearing that scab off and calling him. I miss him so much. These past 2 days I see him everywhere I look. I remember mostly the good but one of the places I see him is in my bathtub, him pulling me out of the water where I was trying to slash my wrists. Remembering the phone call I had to make from across the country to save his life.
I know I should let it go, leave him alone, but the other part of me wants my brother back. I don't want it to be the way it was before, I want a normal relationship but I don't know if that's possible. It feels too easy to slip back into that intensity but I don't even know where he is in his life now.
Guess I just needed to vent. Thought these feelings were gone. I miss my J.

niki79 · 07-10-2006, 01:02 AM

This is pretty crappy, it shows that 51 people have viewed my posting and no one has even bothered to send me a message. Guess this is one of those sights that everyone reads your message but don't even send a word of support. That's really fucked up, I could have used some support this weekend but I guess I should look elsewhere.

BarbGonyo · 07-10-2006, 11:41 AM

Hello Niki79.

I'm so sorry that you don't feel supported but if you read your post you didn't ask for replies. You said you just wanted to vent.

What would you like people to tell you? What type of advise could ease your pain? I think it would be difficult for anyone to advise you to just pick up where you left off especially since it sounds like you were both in a very painful and dangerous situation.

Since no one on this site really knows you or your whole story of why there is so much desparation in your life, it almost sounds as though anyone would be afraid to give you advice as if they were helping you with something trivial.

You have a serious situation where attempts on your life make it a dangerous thing to pass on hints for happiness.

I'm hoping that you are getting some professional help to work out your pain.

At this point I feel all I can do to help you is to pray for your health and well being and that God will take care of you and guide you to becoming whole with or without your brother.

Bless you,
Barb G

Happy1 · 07-13-2006, 01:22 AM

It sounds very destructive please don't contcact him without talking to a professional therapist first.

07-09-2006, 01:45 AM	#1
niki79 Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Posts: 4	All screwed up since finding this site I thought I was over this, its been so long since we've even talked but since I found this site I'm headed back to that place. I'm listening to the cd's we made for each other, re-reading letters and going back to the pain and the love I felt back then. It feels like peeling back the scab on an old wound that just won't heal. I looked him up online and found his phone number. I blocked my caller id and called, praying for an answering machine and that's what I got, it's the right number. I don't know where to go from here. I am so torn between letting things be and tearing that scab off and calling him. I miss him so much. These past 2 days I see him everywhere I look. I remember mostly the good but one of the places I see him is in my bathtub, him pulling me out of the water where I was trying to slash my wrists. Remembering the phone call I had to make from across the country to save his life. I know I should let it go, leave him alone, but the other part of me wants my brother back. I don't want it to be the way it was before, I want a normal relationship but I don't know if that's possible. It feels too easy to slip back into that intensity but I don't even know where he is in his life now. Guess I just needed to vent. Thought these feelings were gone. I miss my J.

07-10-2006, 01:02 AM	#2
niki79 Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Posts: 4	Well... This is pretty crappy, it shows that 51 people have viewed my posting and no one has even bothered to send me a message. Guess this is one of those sights that everyone reads your message but don't even send a word of support. That's really fucked up, I could have used some support this weekend but I guess I should look elsewhere.

07-10-2006, 11:41 AM	#3
BarbGonyo Administrator Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 291	in need of help Hello Niki79. I'm so sorry that you don't feel supported but if you read your post you didn't ask for replies. You said you just wanted to vent. What would you like people to tell you? What type of advise could ease your pain? I think it would be difficult for anyone to advise you to just pick up where you left off especially since it sounds like you were both in a very painful and dangerous situation. Since no one on this site really knows you or your whole story of why there is so much desparation in your life, it almost sounds as though anyone would be afraid to give you advice as if they were helping you with something trivial. You have a serious situation where attempts on your life make it a dangerous thing to pass on hints for happiness. I'm hoping that you are getting some professional help to work out your pain. At this point I feel all I can do to help you is to pray for your health and well being and that God will take care of you and guide you to becoming whole with or without your brother. Bless you, Barb G __________________ Barbara is the author of "I'm His Mother,but He's Not My Son" (formerly titled "The Forbidden Love, GSA". In the paper back edition of Forbidden Love, there are a total of 20 books left in that form. "The Forbidden Love Genetic Sexual Attraction is $15.00 plus postage and handling. Postage varies in places. In the U.S. postage comes to $2.31 Austrailia Fast Slower $8.40 one week $4.05- 4 weeks New I'm His Mother, but, He's Not My Son" will now be available electronically for your convience. The price is $15.00 check made out to Barbara Gonyo 906 Ioka Mt. Prospect, IL 60056 Upon receiving the order you will be given instructions on how to obtain the book. I hope this will be helpful to all of you who were having trouble getting the book. Barb Gonyo

Thread Tools	Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Email this Page	Search this Thread: Advanced Search

07-13-2006, 01:22 AM	#4
Happy1 Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Posts: 4	It sounds very destructive please don't contcact him without talking to a professional therapist first.