it there anyone out there that has experienced this

joannewendy1 · 07-23-2006, 09:54 PM

I was never able to get anyone before to answer this one...so I thought I would try again. I am adoptee who found the birth family, met the siblings...
have an case of GSA for the half brother...who doesn't have it, I assume. He really is a great guy and I feel so fortunate to have met him. We talk about everything and are very close...like girl friends. We talk daily, see each other weekly, he is so much like me, it is wonderful relating to someone on the level we do. He would, as has been there for me through a couple of rough patches (work, children) and I for him. But every couple of weeks, without fail, I get these horrible incapacitating yearnings to be with him. I cant tell anyone or talk to anyone about these feelings, especially him, because I am so afraid that it will ruin the close relationship we have.
Actually I tried once, but he laughed at me, like I was making a joke. Today MY issue came to a head. He was telling me about this new woman he met (we are both single) and I told him how wrong she was for him, like I have all the others (well, she is an "exotic dancer") and he went ballistic on me, saying that I find fault in everyone he goes out with...and I do! He wanted to know why I don't want him to be happy...duh. Now, I go into my shell...because I can't explain why, although all of you reading this totally understand. I can't talk to him or anyone else for that matter about this. I want to be his sister, yet I can't seem to get rid of these feelings no matter what I do. I did call a half dozen therapists to see if I could speak to someone about this, and none of them had even heard of GSA.
I cry alot, I sit in bed often...I was such a happy, productive human being until this all happened.
I have no one to talk to about this, other than the people on this site, so I am hoping that someone will respond to me.
This is not getting better, or lessening with time as I had hoped it would. My adult children are getting angry with me because of my "mood swings". My boss has relayed that my work is faultering. My friends are avoiding me because they don't know "what frame of mind" I will be in.
Everytime, I feel I've finally licked this ...it comes back kicking and screaming at me..
Weird thing is...I don't feel like he is my brother, at all. I grew up an only child, he had siblings...I feel like he is my best friend, and I his. I can't imagine letting go of the relationship we do have, but for my own sanity I may have no choice...any suggestions??

okgirl73 · 07-24-2006, 12:34 AM

I can completely identify with alot of what you've written, although in my case the feelings are reciprocated by my half-brother. I also grew up an only child - and he sort of was, although we have a cousin our age and they pretty well grew up as siblings. I can tell you what I have done that actually did help me -

I cried. I mourned the loss of the romantic relationship. I actually still am. And yes, I have wild mood swings, many days I have no idea why or how I manage to get out of bed. My work and relationships have all been affected. I have a very close friend that I am able to confide in and while he doesn't always understand exactly why or how I could feel the way I do - he focuses on what will make me happy, what would be the best thing for me considering the circumstances. I realize that there are a lot of people out there who either don't or won't understand ... And as for therapists I live in a small town and work in the social services community so there's no way I could comfortably go to a therapist here and don't particularly have the time or resources to go out of town - I've found that my one friend has been a lifesaver.

I distracted myself - I have a million "projects" going in my house and nearly all of them are in a state of half-done-ness, but they're there waiting for the times when I am overwhelming myself with all the feelings I have. I think of all the things I like about my job and I try to focus on only my job while I'm at work - that's helped me be more present there and improved my job performance a little too - at least from what it was when I was spending my time wallowing in my personal life. That's just me though.

I come to this website and read and just know that I'm not some sort of deranged, unstable or "crazy" person for this happening. There are lots of people out there that this happens to, and it's nice to know that I'm not alone, even when I feel like I am.

This is totally a guess - but it may be that he brushes off your attempt to talk about it as a defense, he may sense what is happening and be uncomfortable with it himself. He may actually share some of the attraction and not know what to do with it. All of that is just guessing - I don't know either of you so I can't even begin to know.

I know with my brother there are lots of times when we're together that the attraction will not be there one second and be overwhelming the next. I struggle with that, and I think I may always have times when I wonder what it would be like to be that intimate and share a bond like that with someone else - in other words - I don't know if any other relationship can measure up to the one I have with my brother. I do know that in my particular circumstance, I don't if I see our relationship being viable as a romantic one, so I deal with those feelings very individually. I try not to pressure myself to feel one way or another. When the attraction issue comes up for me, I very much treat those feelings as I would with any other romantic relationship where one person isn't interested and the other is - in my case where one person really wants the relationship (my brother) and the other person is unsure (me). I've been on both sides of that fence and they both stink. So it isn't easy. I do however honor my romantic interest for what it is and treat it differently from my sibling relationship with my brother which has helped me not be so overwhelmed.

I hope things get better for you.

G.

joannewendy1 · 07-24-2006, 10:15 AM

G~

You have mirrored so closely to how I am feeling. It is of great comfort to know that I am not alone in my feelings with this. I think the hardest part is the ups and down...almost what I relate to as being bi-polar.
I sent him an e mail telling him that I love him very much (sisterly love) and that I was going through a rough time right now, that I really couldn't discuss with anyone at the present. I asked for his patience, and just to allow me some space. I know this can stall the feelings for the time being, however, I know this a quick fix for the present. I don't know how many times I will be able to use that excuse, until he thinks I'm a total "loon". Putting the space there does help, it eases the symptoms a bit...also in my solitude I try to find some flaw of his (which we all have) and delve on that for awhile...in his case, he has really smelly feet when he wears his boots...takes the romantic edge off. I hope you all got a laugh from that one

J

nutstobeme · 07-25-2006, 06:15 AM

j & g,
I just wanted to jump in and say I totally understand as my brother and I are going through the same thing with this gsa stuff. I am the adoptee and he is my full blood brother as our parents married two and half years after I was born. We met almost two years ago and have seen each other f2f 7x. We live 1500 miles apart so the distance has been tough. We got close very quick and for the first year or so we talked on the phone for hours every day. Well, a lot has happened between us over these last 2 years and some things have thereby changed. Each time we got together things got more heated and it was obvious what direction they were going in it was just a matter of when and not if. Well, my last trip out there to visit it finally all happened, yes we had sex. The end result was not as I had planned or thought and although not exactly negative still painful. Right after we had sex he said to me "I don't love you that way". At first I was mortified, but as time came to settle and we spoke about what happened numerous times and for hours I came to realzie that it took jumping into the fire to put the fire out, that for us this was not something that was going to be put out from a far. We still have a very close relationship and we still talk almost everyday, but a lot of things are very different now. I still have very strong feelings for him and I can't honestly say that I wouldn't do it again, but at least now I can say I don't desire as much to do it again, be there, done that~got burned! As for him I don't know how he truly feels, but I will guess based on the things he has said and done that the feelings are still there but now it is much easier for him to bury them and deny them. I guess the good that comes out of this is that I know he truly loves me as his sister cause other wise he would have ran like hell after all the emotional crap I put him through since this happened :shock:
Advice I do not have to give for I feel each much create their own happenings, but I do hope that my story gives you another possibility to consider. I must tell you that I really thought long and hard about all the possible outcomes for my brother and I, and the thought that he would say that to me never came to mind, for if it had I would have never taken the risk. So think long and hard about all possibilties~even the ones you don't think of 8)
nuts-to-be-me :roll:

MamaR · 07-25-2006, 11:44 AM

I have not been posting very much, recently, because my opinion about acting on GSA seems to bring out the hostility in people. But, I just had to respeond to you, nutstobeme, and your brother's statement that he "didn't love you that way."

When my half-brother ended our GSA relationshipso many years ago, those were close to his words as well. What I didn't hear or didn't want to hear were the words, "that way." The fact was and is that he did love me as a brother, was ashamed and disturbed at his desires for me, and wanted what was best for both of us. He was a good deal older and I was a pretty shallow young woman at the time, wanting what I wanted when I wanted it. That was in 1968.

Here we are, many years later, and I find that the love of a brother and sister for each other, of the sibling variety, is still very strong and has always been. That absence did, thankfully, remove the sexual/romantic aspects from the equation and now the door is wide open for us to be really part of a family together. We only recently started communicating again and I learned that, had we only tried earlier, these years would not have passed without each other in our lives. After I moved past the GSA, I think I was too ashamed to contact him until recently.

For me, it was the wrongest of wrong things to do...to look for a lover in my brother. Those years of absence while we were growing up did not negate the fact that he was, by the honest act of Nature, my half-brother and that we are closely related. That excuse about time apart while growing up just doesn't wash for me.

I do know that I am delighted with my brother AS my brother...I don't need him to be my lover to be able to enjoy this very nice man in my life. I already have a wonderful man that fulfills that role of lover/husband/best friend and more. I hate to think that I might have obsessed for years over my half brother and missed this terrific guy that I married. It's funny though, that, at the time, I thought that my h/b was the "love of my life" and that there would never be anyone else. LOL

At the time I entered into this relationship with J, I was still grieving the loss of two children to adoption and was in an unhappy first marriage. I think that a lot of the GSA activity comes when there is something important missing in one's life and/or causing pain. As an adoptee, you have a lot of issues that could be affecting your perception as well. I do hope that you come to terms with it all and that you find peace.

nutstobeme · 07-26-2006, 07:18 AM

MamaR,
Thanks for your words of understanding and experience and I am not angry that you are being honest about how you feel about gsa. I hate this gsa stuff and wish it would just go the hell away. I don't want to feel this way for my brother, nor do I wish to distroy the only sibling relationship he or I will ever have. Neither of us grew up with a sibling so this new sibling thing is really neat to both of us and we really don't want to screw it up. I guess this is part of what has kept both of fighting to keep it going so strong when it seemed as if all might have been lost. As I am sure you know all to well, I hate that my brother said those words to me and it took lots of tears and talking for him to convince me that he didn't then just use me. I don't regret or feel any remorse for what we did, in fact we both agree it was something that was bound to happen given the feelings, but I do hate the way it had to end with "I don't love you that way". Both my brother and I always believe that things happen for a reason and we some how become better people because of it, so we just add this to our list of "things happen for a reason" and move on developing a strong sibling relationship. As I said before, we still talk everyday and some things have changed, but the things that have changed were the things that perhaps most needed to change in order for us to move past this and relate as siblings. We no longer spend hours on the phone, we no longer end the evening on the phone with each other, we no longer flirt or make inappropriate comments to each other~these are the things that have changed. We still look to each other for support and at the RIGHT moment say "I love you". However, since we live so far apart we have not had the opportunity to be together since this happened and I am not sure what to expect next time I see him. To be totally honest I am scared to death to go back there so for the mean time I just avoid it. I am afraid that no matter what happens I will be disappointed. Because I still have feelings for him and because I am an adoptee with huge rejection issues, I know that if I go back and nothing happens then I will be disappointed feeling he no longer loves me, but if something does happen then I will be disappointed that we crossed that line again and jeopardized our relationship, so either way I lose going back. In fact the other day he tap danced around me going back there in Aug when I have some time and I tap danced right back about having vacation plans here at home during that time. So I don't see myself going back anytime soon, but it is possible he will be coming here for Thanksgiving, which is fine because here we are not alone because I am married (not a good marriage) with a child. Side note: my husband is very jealous of my relationship with my brother. Anyway, thanks for responding and for your advice, I appreciate it.
nuts-to-be-me

MamaR · 07-27-2006, 06:28 AM

That's where you and I are different, Hon. I did and do regret what happened between my h/b and me..even though, at the time, it also seemed "inevitable." I crossed a line that, in my opinion, should never be crossed and it complicated things, immeasurably. It has taken time and distance to get past the guilt and shame for both of us. For me, the worst part was how it could have affected the innocent members of our family. It almost came to that.

What I did do was accept the gift in this major mistake and learn from it. The lesson, when it came to me, was simple. No Other Person Can Make You Complete! In spite of what Tom Cruise said in Jerry Maguire (that "you complete me" line he fed Rene Z), expecting that from someone else, GSA relationship or otherwise, is self-defeating. I was seeking my completion in an inappropriate and potentially disastrous relationship. I don't know if any of this applies to you or not so take this or discard it as you will. But my brother is a lot more appreciative and respectful of me as a whole person than as the needy, intense romantic.

nutstobeme · 07-27-2006, 07:21 AM

Hey mamaR
Again thanks for your input. I agree with you that the only person who can make you whole is yourself and yes at one point my bro and I believed and even said that we completed each other. However, we are far past that and have each move forward in our lives. Each of us is more independent now then we have ever been and we each attribute part of that to the love and support we have given each other to be able find the strength to move forward. We no longer depend on each other to be whole but rather to always be there should one of us need some picking up after :lol: . I realize we are very lucky to have the outcome we have. I can see how easy it would be to have a less desirable outcome after crossing a line that should never be crossed. Lucky for us we have fun joking personalities and we can find humor in all of this other wise who knows, one of us would have probably ran far far away and this precious relationship would have surely been lost to what seemed to be at the time uncontrollable desires. One funny comment that came out of this just to share on the lighter side of things, after all was said and done I said to him "so have we bonded yet? :shock: ", he said "yeah, well I guess so :? ". HA HA. But with all that said I am still scared of my own inability to control things and my feelings next time we are face to face. So for now I will do what I can and what I can do is avoid seeing him, as much as that kills me! Any suggestions on how to keep things "safe" next time we are together should the hormones start flying again? Do you think we will ever feel like real bro & sis? or will our relationship always have this underlying feeling to it? I think at this point my biggest fear is loving him through his next relationship. He is a single man. I fear it is going to be very hard for me to not be "jealous" (although jealous is not the right word, what I am is afraid to lose him) and be the supportive sister he needs me to be, any advice on that one? I am afraid to lose my important satus in his life to his next love

.

MamaR · 07-27-2006, 12:13 PM

I think if it were me, I would avoid being completely alone and in a romantic place with him. There's no rule that says you should be alone together to enjoy each other's company. You can also rely on your own strength to keep things "safe."

As for fear of loss, that is definitely an adoption issue. In most families, siblinghood is a comfortable relationship where the changes are seen as normal and natural....part of growing and living. If he becomes deeply and romantically involved with someone, than that is where his attention and loyaties are primarily going to be. It's natural and understandable and acceptance of that is going to be the key.

But, if the sibling relationship is evolved and normal, then there should be no feeling of loss. Just because someone comes into his life, he won't stop being your brother. We cannot own each other, no matter how much we love someone. If he has a romantic relationship, you have to remember that the person with whom he might become involved is not taking anything that belongs to you.

My adult surrendered daughter was the first of my two children to reunite with me. When we found my son a few months later, she was very threatened, thinking that she would lose me to her half brother. It took a while for her to see that a mother's heart has room for ALL her children. She found that sharing the attention with her brother (which she already had been required to do with my raised children) was not taking anything away from her. Does that make sense?

You know, it's when I see people hurting like this that I curse the day I ever heard the word "adoption."

nutstobeme · 07-27-2006, 02:11 PM

hi again,
I understand what you are saying completely about not losing him to a romantic relationship and how that is not my place in his heart to be lost to, but I guess what concerns me is something I have said all along "what kind of relationship will we have without the feelings, since our relationship all along was built upon them". Another words we never had a relationship without the attraction so what will it be once it is gone? I want more than you could even imagine to just love him as my brother, but I would be lying to both you and myself if I said that that is how I feel, cause I don't. Everytime my mind wanders I stop it and tell myself "he is my brother and I love him as my brother" hoping that one day I may actually believe it, but so far no luck. I refuse to go there again until I can put these feelings to rest because I don't want to lose control again, but you must know that it kills me to think that we have already missed 29 years of our lives together and that because of this I will miss even more, but I just can't risk it again. I don't want to lose him as my brother and my heart can't handle being shattered again by out of control hormones. I do believe my brother loves me and part of me believes it is a whole lot more than brotherly love as well, but another part of me still hears his words and shuts down. I know in time things will change, wounds will heal and hearts will ache for loved ones, but for now I will continue to come here and appreciate all the support the people of this site give me and keep a safe distance from my brother so I don't lose him to hormones. Thanks again MamaR.

07-23-2006, 09:54 PM	#1
joannewendy1 Junior Member Join Date: May 2006 Posts: 9	it there anyone out there that has experienced this I was never able to get anyone before to answer this one...so I thought I would try again. I am adoptee who found the birth family, met the siblings... have an case of GSA for the half brother...who doesn't have it, I assume. He really is a great guy and I feel so fortunate to have met him. We talk about everything and are very close...like girl friends. We talk daily, see each other weekly, he is so much like me, it is wonderful relating to someone on the level we do. He would, as has been there for me through a couple of rough patches (work, children) and I for him. But every couple of weeks, without fail, I get these horrible incapacitating yearnings to be with him. I cant tell anyone or talk to anyone about these feelings, especially him, because I am so afraid that it will ruin the close relationship we have. Actually I tried once, but he laughed at me, like I was making a joke. Today MY issue came to a head. He was telling me about this new woman he met (we are both single) and I told him how wrong she was for him, like I have all the others (well, she is an "exotic dancer") and he went ballistic on me, saying that I find fault in everyone he goes out with...and I do! He wanted to know why I don't want him to be happy...duh. Now, I go into my shell...because I can't explain why, although all of you reading this totally understand. I can't talk to him or anyone else for that matter about this. I want to be his sister, yet I can't seem to get rid of these feelings no matter what I do. I did call a half dozen therapists to see if I could speak to someone about this, and none of them had even heard of GSA. I cry alot, I sit in bed often...I was such a happy, productive human being until this all happened. I have no one to talk to about this, other than the people on this site, so I am hoping that someone will respond to me. This is not getting better, or lessening with time as I had hoped it would. My adult children are getting angry with me because of my "mood swings". My boss has relayed that my work is faultering. My friends are avoiding me because they don't know "what frame of mind" I will be in. Everytime, I feel I've finally licked this ...it comes back kicking and screaming at me.. Weird thing is...I don't feel like he is my brother, at all. I grew up an only child, he had siblings...I feel like he is my best friend, and I his. I can't imagine letting go of the relationship we do have, but for my own sanity I may have no choice...any suggestions??

07-24-2006, 10:15 AM	#3
joannewendy1 Junior Member Join Date: May 2006 Posts: 9	Thank you G~ You have mirrored so closely to how I am feeling. It is of great comfort to know that I am not alone in my feelings with this. I think the hardest part is the ups and down...almost what I relate to as being bi-polar. I sent him an e mail telling him that I love him very much (sisterly love) and that I was going through a rough time right now, that I really couldn't discuss with anyone at the present. I asked for his patience, and just to allow me some space. I know this can stall the feelings for the time being, however, I know this a quick fix for the present. I don't know how many times I will be able to use that excuse, until he thinks I'm a total "loon". Putting the space there does help, it eases the symptoms a bit...also in my solitude I try to find some flaw of his (which we all have) and delve on that for awhile...in his case, he has really smelly feet when he wears his boots...takes the romantic edge off. I hope you all got a laugh from that one J

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07-24-2006, 12:34 AM	#2
okgirl73 Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Posts: 5	I can completely identify with alot of what you've written, although in my case the feelings are reciprocated by my half-brother. I also grew up an only child - and he sort of was, although we have a cousin our age and they pretty well grew up as siblings. I can tell you what I have done that actually did help me - I cried. I mourned the loss of the romantic relationship. I actually still am. And yes, I have wild mood swings, many days I have no idea why or how I manage to get out of bed. My work and relationships have all been affected. I have a very close friend that I am able to confide in and while he doesn't always understand exactly why or how I could feel the way I do - he focuses on what will make me happy, what would be the best thing for me considering the circumstances. I realize that there are a lot of people out there who either don't or won't understand ... And as for therapists I live in a small town and work in the social services community so there's no way I could comfortably go to a therapist here and don't particularly have the time or resources to go out of town - I've found that my one friend has been a lifesaver. I distracted myself - I have a million "projects" going in my house and nearly all of them are in a state of half-done-ness, but they're there waiting for the times when I am overwhelming myself with all the feelings I have. I think of all the things I like about my job and I try to focus on only my job while I'm at work - that's helped me be more present there and improved my job performance a little too - at least from what it was when I was spending my time wallowing in my personal life. That's just me though. I come to this website and read and just know that I'm not some sort of deranged, unstable or "crazy" person for this happening. There are lots of people out there that this happens to, and it's nice to know that I'm not alone, even when I feel like I am. This is totally a guess - but it may be that he brushes off your attempt to talk about it as a defense, he may sense what is happening and be uncomfortable with it himself. He may actually share some of the attraction and not know what to do with it. All of that is just guessing - I don't know either of you so I can't even begin to know. I know with my brother there are lots of times when we're together that the attraction will not be there one second and be overwhelming the next. I struggle with that, and I think I may always have times when I wonder what it would be like to be that intimate and share a bond like that with someone else - in other words - I don't know if any other relationship can measure up to the one I have with my brother. I do know that in my particular circumstance, I don't if I see our relationship being viable as a romantic one, so I deal with those feelings very individually. I try not to pressure myself to feel one way or another. When the attraction issue comes up for me, I very much treat those feelings as I would with any other romantic relationship where one person isn't interested and the other is - in my case where one person really wants the relationship (my brother) and the other person is unsure (me). I've been on both sides of that fence and they both stink. So it isn't easy. I do however honor my romantic interest for what it is and treat it differently from my sibling relationship with my brother which has helped me not be so overwhelmed. I hope things get better for you. G.

07-25-2006, 06:15 AM	#4
nutstobeme Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Posts: 8	j & g, I just wanted to jump in and say I totally understand as my brother and I are going through the same thing with this gsa stuff. I am the adoptee and he is my full blood brother as our parents married two and half years after I was born. We met almost two years ago and have seen each other f2f 7x. We live 1500 miles apart so the distance has been tough. We got close very quick and for the first year or so we talked on the phone for hours every day. Well, a lot has happened between us over these last 2 years and some things have thereby changed. Each time we got together things got more heated and it was obvious what direction they were going in it was just a matter of when and not if. Well, my last trip out there to visit it finally all happened, yes we had sex. The end result was not as I had planned or thought and although not exactly negative still painful. Right after we had sex he said to me "I don't love you that way". At first I was mortified, but as time came to settle and we spoke about what happened numerous times and for hours I came to realzie that it took jumping into the fire to put the fire out, that for us this was not something that was going to be put out from a far. We still have a very close relationship and we still talk almost everyday, but a lot of things are very different now. I still have very strong feelings for him and I can't honestly say that I wouldn't do it again, but at least now I can say I don't desire as much to do it again, be there, done that~got burned! As for him I don't know how he truly feels, but I will guess based on the things he has said and done that the feelings are still there but now it is much easier for him to bury them and deny them. I guess the good that comes out of this is that I know he truly loves me as his sister cause other wise he would have ran like hell after all the emotional crap I put him through since this happened :shock: Advice I do not have to give for I feel each much create their own happenings, but I do hope that my story gives you another possibility to consider. I must tell you that I really thought long and hard about all the possible outcomes for my brother and I, and the thought that he would say that to me never came to mind, for if it had I would have never taken the risk. So think long and hard about all possibilties~even the ones you don't think of 8) nuts-to-be-me :roll:

07-25-2006, 11:44 AM	#5
MamaR Member Join Date: May 2006 Posts: 55	I have not been posting very much, recently, because my opinion about acting on GSA seems to bring out the hostility in people. But, I just had to respeond to you, nutstobeme, and your brother's statement that he "didn't love you that way." When my half-brother ended our GSA relationshipso many years ago, those were close to his words as well. What I didn't hear or didn't want to hear were the words, "that way." The fact was and is that he did love me as a brother, was ashamed and disturbed at his desires for me, and wanted what was best for both of us. He was a good deal older and I was a pretty shallow young woman at the time, wanting what I wanted when I wanted it. That was in 1968. Here we are, many years later, and I find that the love of a brother and sister for each other, of the sibling variety, is still very strong and has always been. That absence did, thankfully, remove the sexual/romantic aspects from the equation and now the door is wide open for us to be really part of a family together. We only recently started communicating again and I learned that, had we only tried earlier, these years would not have passed without each other in our lives. After I moved past the GSA, I think I was too ashamed to contact him until recently. For me, it was the wrongest of wrong things to do...to look for a lover in my brother. Those years of absence while we were growing up did not negate the fact that he was, by the honest act of Nature, my half-brother and that we are closely related. That excuse about time apart while growing up just doesn't wash for me. I do know that I am delighted with my brother AS my brother...I don't need him to be my lover to be able to enjoy this very nice man in my life. I already have a wonderful man that fulfills that role of lover/husband/best friend and more. I hate to think that I might have obsessed for years over my half brother and missed this terrific guy that I married. It's funny though, that, at the time, I thought that my h/b was the "love of my life" and that there would never be anyone else. LOL At the time I entered into this relationship with J, I was still grieving the loss of two children to adoption and was in an unhappy first marriage. I think that a lot of the GSA activity comes when there is something important missing in one's life and/or causing pain. As an adoptee, you have a lot of issues that could be affecting your perception as well. I do hope that you come to terms with it all and that you find peace.

07-26-2006, 07:18 AM	#6
nutstobeme Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Posts: 8	MamaR, Thanks for your words of understanding and experience and I am not angry that you are being honest about how you feel about gsa. I hate this gsa stuff and wish it would just go the hell away. I don't want to feel this way for my brother, nor do I wish to distroy the only sibling relationship he or I will ever have. Neither of us grew up with a sibling so this new sibling thing is really neat to both of us and we really don't want to screw it up. I guess this is part of what has kept both of fighting to keep it going so strong when it seemed as if all might have been lost. As I am sure you know all to well, I hate that my brother said those words to me and it took lots of tears and talking for him to convince me that he didn't then just use me. I don't regret or feel any remorse for what we did, in fact we both agree it was something that was bound to happen given the feelings, but I do hate the way it had to end with "I don't love you that way". Both my brother and I always believe that things happen for a reason and we some how become better people because of it, so we just add this to our list of "things happen for a reason" and move on developing a strong sibling relationship. As I said before, we still talk everyday and some things have changed, but the things that have changed were the things that perhaps most needed to change in order for us to move past this and relate as siblings. We no longer spend hours on the phone, we no longer end the evening on the phone with each other, we no longer flirt or make inappropriate comments to each other~these are the things that have changed. We still look to each other for support and at the RIGHT moment say "I love you". However, since we live so far apart we have not had the opportunity to be together since this happened and I am not sure what to expect next time I see him. To be totally honest I am scared to death to go back there so for the mean time I just avoid it. I am afraid that no matter what happens I will be disappointed. Because I still have feelings for him and because I am an adoptee with huge rejection issues, I know that if I go back and nothing happens then I will be disappointed feeling he no longer loves me, but if something does happen then I will be disappointed that we crossed that line again and jeopardized our relationship, so either way I lose going back. In fact the other day he tap danced around me going back there in Aug when I have some time and I tap danced right back about having vacation plans here at home during that time. So I don't see myself going back anytime soon, but it is possible he will be coming here for Thanksgiving, which is fine because here we are not alone because I am married (not a good marriage) with a child. Side note: my husband is very jealous of my relationship with my brother. Anyway, thanks for responding and for your advice, I appreciate it. nuts-to-be-me

07-27-2006, 06:28 AM	#7
MamaR Member Join Date: May 2006 Posts: 55	That's where you and I are different, Hon. I did and do regret what happened between my h/b and me..even though, at the time, it also seemed "inevitable." I crossed a line that, in my opinion, should never be crossed and it complicated things, immeasurably. It has taken time and distance to get past the guilt and shame for both of us. For me, the worst part was how it could have affected the innocent members of our family. It almost came to that. What I did do was accept the gift in this major mistake and learn from it. The lesson, when it came to me, was simple. No Other Person Can Make You Complete! In spite of what Tom Cruise said in Jerry Maguire (that "you complete me" line he fed Rene Z), expecting that from someone else, GSA relationship or otherwise, is self-defeating. I was seeking my completion in an inappropriate and potentially disastrous relationship. I don't know if any of this applies to you or not so take this or discard it as you will. But my brother is a lot more appreciative and respectful of me as a whole person than as the needy, intense romantic.

07-27-2006, 07:21 AM	#8
nutstobeme Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Posts: 8	Hey mamaR Again thanks for your input. I agree with you that the only person who can make you whole is yourself and yes at one point my bro and I believed and even said that we completed each other. However, we are far past that and have each move forward in our lives. Each of us is more independent now then we have ever been and we each attribute part of that to the love and support we have given each other to be able find the strength to move forward. We no longer depend on each other to be whole but rather to always be there should one of us need some picking up after :lol: . I realize we are very lucky to have the outcome we have. I can see how easy it would be to have a less desirable outcome after crossing a line that should never be crossed. Lucky for us we have fun joking personalities and we can find humor in all of this other wise who knows, one of us would have probably ran far far away and this precious relationship would have surely been lost to what seemed to be at the time uncontrollable desires. One funny comment that came out of this just to share on the lighter side of things, after all was said and done I said to him "so have we bonded yet? :shock: ", he said "yeah, well I guess so :? ". HA HA. But with all that said I am still scared of my own inability to control things and my feelings next time we are face to face. So for now I will do what I can and what I can do is avoid seeing him, as much as that kills me! Any suggestions on how to keep things "safe" next time we are together should the hormones start flying again? Do you think we will ever feel like real bro & sis? or will our relationship always have this underlying feeling to it? I think at this point my biggest fear is loving him through his next relationship. He is a single man. I fear it is going to be very hard for me to not be "jealous" (although jealous is not the right word, what I am is afraid to lose him) and be the supportive sister he needs me to be, any advice on that one? I am afraid to lose my important satus in his life to his next love .

07-27-2006, 12:13 PM	#9
MamaR Member Join Date: May 2006 Posts: 55	I think if it were me, I would avoid being completely alone and in a romantic place with him. There's no rule that says you should be alone together to enjoy each other's company. You can also rely on your own strength to keep things "safe." As for fear of loss, that is definitely an adoption issue. In most families, siblinghood is a comfortable relationship where the changes are seen as normal and natural....part of growing and living. If he becomes deeply and romantically involved with someone, than that is where his attention and loyaties are primarily going to be. It's natural and understandable and acceptance of that is going to be the key. But, if the sibling relationship is evolved and normal, then there should be no feeling of loss. Just because someone comes into his life, he won't stop being your brother. We cannot own each other, no matter how much we love someone. If he has a romantic relationship, you have to remember that the person with whom he might become involved is not taking anything that belongs to you. My adult surrendered daughter was the first of my two children to reunite with me. When we found my son a few months later, she was very threatened, thinking that she would lose me to her half brother. It took a while for her to see that a mother's heart has room for ALL her children. She found that sharing the attention with her brother (which she already had been required to do with my raised children) was not taking anything away from her. Does that make sense? You know, it's when I see people hurting like this that I curse the day I ever heard the word "adoption."

07-27-2006, 02:11 PM	#10
nutstobeme Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Posts: 8	hi again, I understand what you are saying completely about not losing him to a romantic relationship and how that is not my place in his heart to be lost to, but I guess what concerns me is something I have said all along "what kind of relationship will we have without the feelings, since our relationship all along was built upon them". Another words we never had a relationship without the attraction so what will it be once it is gone? I want more than you could even imagine to just love him as my brother, but I would be lying to both you and myself if I said that that is how I feel, cause I don't. Everytime my mind wanders I stop it and tell myself "he is my brother and I love him as my brother" hoping that one day I may actually believe it, but so far no luck. I refuse to go there again until I can put these feelings to rest because I don't want to lose control again, but you must know that it kills me to think that we have already missed 29 years of our lives together and that because of this I will miss even more, but I just can't risk it again. I don't want to lose him as my brother and my heart can't handle being shattered again by out of control hormones. I do believe my brother loves me and part of me believes it is a whole lot more than brotherly love as well, but another part of me still hears his words and shuts down. I know in time things will change, wounds will heal and hearts will ache for loved ones, but for now I will continue to come here and appreciate all the support the people of this site give me and keep a safe distance from my brother so I don't lose him to hormones. Thanks again MamaR.