I had a relationship with my father

[european]

Hi, I just found this site, and is very happy to see that there are someone else than me with these problems. So, therefore I ofcause have registered, and I would like to tell you my story.
I'm from Denmark, Scandinavia, so I hope you can bear with my spelling and language.
My mother and my father got seperated before I was born. I grew up with my mother and my two oldest siplings (in all I have five siplings, and all my siplings are half siplings). Well, it was not an easy childhood I had. My mother married a man after my father who drank and beated both my mother, my older sister and I. When they got divorced, my mother soon found another man, who was if possible even worse than the husband before. He liked to touch my sister and I, but did not have directly sex with us. But I felt violated, and always felt that I had to take care of myself and could'nt just hang around or just relax in my own home. My mother did not take care for us either, so three times in my childhood I have been taken away from home and put in an institution.
When I was 15 years old I saw my father for the first time. At that time I was living in a home for children, and had a very big need for my father. But maby it was too late for me to have a normal relationship to him at that time. Well, in the beginning I was really happy that I had found him, but very soon I had some problems by not being able to fit into this family he had and I felt that I could'nt live up to his expectations, and I stopped seeing him so often, because it was very difficult for me.
When I was about 23 years old he got divorced from his whife. And I began to see him often. At that time I began to feel psysically attracted to him. In the beginnig I did not respond to it, because I had before felt attracted to older people and people that I should'nt have a relationship with, such as teachers in my school, people who worked at the home for children and so on, and I knew that it was something in me that I missed or needed or had become wrong because of my bad childhood with no considerate adult love. To this story of my mother and her family I need to tell, that I for a few years ago found out, becouse of my son got an autistic diagnose, that there is an explanation to why she did not had the right way of bringing us children up. She has'nt got an diagnose, but I'm sure there is one. Autism is genetic. And all members of this side of my family has something, alcoholich, depression, anxiouryattacks, epilepsy, autism and so on.
But these feelings I had for my father kept getting stronger, and I did'nt know what to do about it. It hurt me so much, because I really felt that I needed him, to be loved and cared for, although I was a grown woman at that time. Untill that point he had thougt, that I was in piece with myself, rested in myself, but I did'nt, I had been hiding my needs for him, because I did not want to burden him with any problems, I was afraid to loose him, the one normal person in my close family. In the end I told him, how I felt, that I felt a big need for him, and that I felt that I had fallen in love with him, but I also told him, that it probably was me that confused my feelings. He said that I was right about my confusion. The next year I had a warbatle inside myself, because I kept felling these feelings and I began to really hope, that he also felt something in that direction. But at the same time I knew that I really needed a father to care for me. I just did'nt feel that from him. And then we went on vacation together just him and me in Turkey. At the hotelroom the was a doublebed with one large sheet to share. And after a coulpe of nights, we were making love to eachother. After the first time we flet really bad, and a bad time looking at eachother. After we got home from vacation our relationship continued a hole year with ups and downs. Nobody else knew what was going on. And especially my father felt bad about the relationship. A year later I ended it with my father, and found another boyfreind.
The first year after we stopped, my father did'nt want to see me. I was really sad about that. But then we met again, and in the 5-6 years since then I have often thought about it, and I could'nt understand why it could happen and I was sure that it could not happen again, I could not be having these feelings for him again. But I was wrong, in the fall last year it all started from the beginning again. We slept together a couple of times and ended it again, because it is wrong. This time he has moved along quickly, but I am so confused about it all. And I really feel that I need him, and that I love him. I don't know if it is as a caring father or as a lover. I have never felt him as a caring father, and I tell myself that that is the reason to why I keep having these feelings for him, because I really feel I have a need for a person in my life, that cares like a parent.
Last fall I developed a deep depression, and for a few months ago I was hospitalized for three weeks, and know I get some antidepressive drugs. At this time I am waiting for some further treatment in another hospital, because the doctors think I have a personallity disorder, maybe Borderline personallity disorder or Dependent personallity disorder, as result of my childhood. But I don't know, I just feel that I need some help to be able to live my life in peace with myself and to move on and accept that I never will have the feelings a parent can give their children. But it is hard, and I can not do it myself. So if they tell me I have a disorder, maybe that could help me to understand things, and maybe the doctors can help me not feeling so sad all the time and so alone and abandonded.

I'm sorry if I sound so depressed, but I am. But I will read some of your stories, maybe it would be helpfull to me to understand whats going on inside of me. At least it is nice to know, that I'm not the only one to have these feelings.
Please, do write me if you want to.