Update

okgirl73 · 08-04-2006, 08:45 PM

Where to begin.

I've been communicating to John over the past few months that I am not comfortable with our relationship. He listens to everything I have to say, agrees appropriately and as soon as I am done talking responds in a physical way or starts talking about our physical relationship (which has ended). Needless to say, I feel like he has little, if any, respect or compassion for my part of this situation. He has become more and more angry with me. He has shown up at my house intoxicated trying to start arguments with me, calls me repeatedly when he is angry; He yells at me, he cries, he calls me names and curses me; which has led me to avoid spending much time with him. Which he says makes him act the way he does. PLEASE UNDERSTAND - I am fully responsible for my mistakes in this. Out of confusion, desperation to hold onto ANY relationship with my brother and out of despair I have said and done things that were wrong - including expressing feelings and physicality that I was unsure of. I have expressed these things to him and to the people I talk to about this - I have no qualms about my mistakes or that I have to deal with those things and make ammends for those things, whether it is within myself or to others.

John (my h/b) decided to go out with a friend of mine, her date and me on Wednesday. He had been cordial and pleasant so I thought he was having a change of heart and insisted that he just wanted to spend time with me, regardless of what happened. We went to a bar we (my friend and I) frequently go to and have a working relationship (i.e. professional) relationship with one of the bouncers who moonlights there. He immediately recognized John's volatility and assured me that things would be fine. They weren't- I spent the evening with a man who got more and more intoxicated to the point where I had bouncers as well as strangers asking if I'd like him to be removed. The entire time we were there he wanted to talk about our "relationship" and when I told him (the first time it was brought up) that this wasn't the place or time for that conversation and if that was uncomfortable for him we could get him home he started getting more and more beligerent. As if he was trying to intentionally humiliate me into talking to him or just to make me feel as badly as he did. Finally we decided to leave - he refused to go home - he insisted that we drop him off at another bar (he had no money) which we did.
He called me Thursday morning and acted as if nothing at all had happened. I am at the end of my rope and I got very angry. I yelled for once and I called him on some of the behavior he exhibited toward me, which he says that I elicited because of my "indecisiveness" and because I deliberately "confuse" him as to my feelings. He claims to act on his feelings; and he can't just change the way he feels. I had to hang up because I was already late for work and he called four more times before I answered the phone to ask him to please call me after work because I couldn't talk then and he screamed "I was calling to ask you to take me to rehab." I was out of town for work and couldn't accomodate him and told him that. His response was "Once again, everything else is more important than me. I figured." Our cousin took him yesterday afternoon.
Today I get a call at 5:45 pm stating that he is coming home because "they can't help him there." He wanted me to come talk to him, which I am not going to do because I am incredibly angry and frankly don't even want to see him. I suspect, because of some of his behavior that he may be using drugs (a problem he has had in the past).

I am trying to keep myself sane in spite of this, in spite of the bad choices I made and the mistakes. It's hard because I know when it started that he didn't intend for it to be this way. However, it's not my fault that he has chosen these behaviors, I just feel like if I hadn't showed up in his life that this wouldn't be happening. As though I should have just left well enough alone. I am, at the same time, thoroughly furious with the things he has said to me and the way he has behaved toward me at times.

I guess I am just kind of venting here.

MamaR · 08-05-2006, 07:44 AM

I can imagine that this has been incredibly hard for you. His actions are very self-centered and, of course, those of someone with a substance abuse problem. I would not take what he says when he is in that condition to heart because he is in an irrational and unreasonable state of mind when he is drinking/using.

The mature adult realizes and accepts that they neither can't nor should get everything they want. The person whose maturity and thinking processes are hampered by substance abuse not only thinks they should have exactly what they want, but they also blame others for failure to deliver what they want and use it as an excuse to drink/use. Alanon has helped me a lot with this.

I'm sorry that you are having to deal with such a problem.

MamaR · 08-05-2006, 07:46 AM

PS; Don't take his burden of responsibility on your shoulders, Hon. He is responsible for what he does now, no matter what preceeded his actions.

BarbGonyo · 08-05-2006, 12:24 PM

okgirl73

It sounds like things get worse and worse. I agree that you should not deal with someone with a drug or alchol addiction as the person isn't really in there. The adiction is their whole life and they can't think or act rationally.

I know this problem because I have a daughter who has been clean from drugs for 5 1/2 years. There were many times I couldn't tell she was on drugs and fell for her stories of destitution. Eventually I knew that tough love was the only way to go. This was not only to help her but to keep my sanity.

She spent most of her adult life as an addict until fear of consequences from a crime caused her to sober up, so to speak. She had hit bottom as they seem to do before any transformation takes place.

It is very painful to see someone you love destroying their lives but we have to realize that we have no power over their choices. As they say in AA and other self help groups, they have to find their higher power and get a grip on healing.

She now is a different person who is loving, kind, still needy in many ways but knows that her life would be over if she went back to her other way of life.

I believe that stepping back and divorcing ourselves from them is the only to really help. I know you fear losing him but you don't have him anyway. It isn't loving to enable them to continue to go on addicted and have them drag you down with them.

I hope you can be strong and lean on your highter power to keep you going and to help him.

Bless you both.
Barb G

08-04-2006, 08:45 PM	#1
okgirl73 Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Posts: 5	Update Where to begin. I've been communicating to John over the past few months that I am not comfortable with our relationship. He listens to everything I have to say, agrees appropriately and as soon as I am done talking responds in a physical way or starts talking about our physical relationship (which has ended). Needless to say, I feel like he has little, if any, respect or compassion for my part of this situation. He has become more and more angry with me. He has shown up at my house intoxicated trying to start arguments with me, calls me repeatedly when he is angry; He yells at me, he cries, he calls me names and curses me; which has led me to avoid spending much time with him. Which he says makes him act the way he does. PLEASE UNDERSTAND - I am fully responsible for my mistakes in this. Out of confusion, desperation to hold onto ANY relationship with my brother and out of despair I have said and done things that were wrong - including expressing feelings and physicality that I was unsure of. I have expressed these things to him and to the people I talk to about this - I have no qualms about my mistakes or that I have to deal with those things and make ammends for those things, whether it is within myself or to others. John (my h/b) decided to go out with a friend of mine, her date and me on Wednesday. He had been cordial and pleasant so I thought he was having a change of heart and insisted that he just wanted to spend time with me, regardless of what happened. We went to a bar we (my friend and I) frequently go to and have a working relationship (i.e. professional) relationship with one of the bouncers who moonlights there. He immediately recognized John's volatility and assured me that things would be fine. They weren't- I spent the evening with a man who got more and more intoxicated to the point where I had bouncers as well as strangers asking if I'd like him to be removed. The entire time we were there he wanted to talk about our "relationship" and when I told him (the first time it was brought up) that this wasn't the place or time for that conversation and if that was uncomfortable for him we could get him home he started getting more and more beligerent. As if he was trying to intentionally humiliate me into talking to him or just to make me feel as badly as he did. Finally we decided to leave - he refused to go home - he insisted that we drop him off at another bar (he had no money) which we did. He called me Thursday morning and acted as if nothing at all had happened. I am at the end of my rope and I got very angry. I yelled for once and I called him on some of the behavior he exhibited toward me, which he says that I elicited because of my "indecisiveness" and because I deliberately "confuse" him as to my feelings. He claims to act on his feelings; and he can't just change the way he feels. I had to hang up because I was already late for work and he called four more times before I answered the phone to ask him to please call me after work because I couldn't talk then and he screamed "I was calling to ask you to take me to rehab." I was out of town for work and couldn't accomodate him and told him that. His response was "Once again, everything else is more important than me. I figured." Our cousin took him yesterday afternoon. Today I get a call at 5:45 pm stating that he is coming home because "they can't help him there." He wanted me to come talk to him, which I am not going to do because I am incredibly angry and frankly don't even want to see him. I suspect, because of some of his behavior that he may be using drugs (a problem he has had in the past). I am trying to keep myself sane in spite of this, in spite of the bad choices I made and the mistakes. It's hard because I know when it started that he didn't intend for it to be this way. However, it's not my fault that he has chosen these behaviors, I just feel like if I hadn't showed up in his life that this wouldn't be happening. As though I should have just left well enough alone. I am, at the same time, thoroughly furious with the things he has said to me and the way he has behaved toward me at times. I guess I am just kind of venting here.

08-05-2006, 12:24 PM	#4
BarbGonyo Administrator Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 301	Deeper and deeper okgirl73 It sounds like things get worse and worse. I agree that you should not deal with someone with a drug or alchol addiction as the person isn't really in there. The adiction is their whole life and they can't think or act rationally. I know this problem because I have a daughter who has been clean from drugs for 5 1/2 years. There were many times I couldn't tell she was on drugs and fell for her stories of destitution. Eventually I knew that tough love was the only way to go. This was not only to help her but to keep my sanity. She spent most of her adult life as an addict until fear of consequences from a crime caused her to sober up, so to speak. She had hit bottom as they seem to do before any transformation takes place. It is very painful to see someone you love destroying their lives but we have to realize that we have no power over their choices. As they say in AA and other self help groups, they have to find their higher power and get a grip on healing. She now is a different person who is loving, kind, still needy in many ways but knows that her life would be over if she went back to her other way of life. I believe that stepping back and divorcing ourselves from them is the only to really help. I know you fear losing him but you don't have him anyway. It isn't loving to enable them to continue to go on addicted and have them drag you down with them. I hope you can be strong and lean on your highter power to keep you going and to help him. Bless you both. Barb G __________________ Barbara is the author of "I'm His Mother,but He's Not My Son" (formerly titled "The Forbidden Love, GSA". In the paper back edition of Forbidden Love, there are a total of 20 books left in that form. "The Forbidden Love Genetic Sexual Attraction is $15.00 plus postage and handling. Postage varies in places. In the U.S. postage comes to $2.31 Austrailia Fast Slower $8.40 one week $4.05- 4 weeks New I'm His Mother, but, He's Not My Son" will now be available electronically for your convience. The price is $15.00 check made out to Barbara Gonyo 906 Ioka Mt. Prospect, IL 60056 Upon receiving the order you will be given instructions on how to obtain the book. I hope this will be helpful to all of you who were having trouble getting the book. Barb Gonyo

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08-05-2006, 07:44 AM	#2
MamaR Member Join Date: May 2006 Posts: 55	I can imagine that this has been incredibly hard for you. His actions are very self-centered and, of course, those of someone with a substance abuse problem. I would not take what he says when he is in that condition to heart because he is in an irrational and unreasonable state of mind when he is drinking/using. The mature adult realizes and accepts that they neither can't nor should get everything they want. The person whose maturity and thinking processes are hampered by substance abuse not only thinks they should have exactly what they want, but they also blame others for failure to deliver what they want and use it as an excuse to drink/use. Alanon has helped me a lot with this. I'm sorry that you are having to deal with such a problem.

08-05-2006, 07:46 AM	#3
MamaR Member Join Date: May 2006 Posts: 55	PS; Don't take his burden of responsibility on your shoulders, Hon. He is responsible for what he does now, no matter what preceeded his actions.