My Husband and His Half-Sister. Help?

[MrsLily]

Hello there,

My name is Lily and i was doing some research on GSA today because
I suspect that my husband of three years has a case of GSA for his younger, half-sister who has recently moved in with my husband, son and I and i am so desperate for answers and explanations.
My husband does not know about my suspicions as I am scared of confronting the idea that he may love another woman, who just happens to also be his half-sister.

I was just wondering if you had any advice for me on how to handle this situation with care, i do not want to upset my husband or put any more strain on his shoulders, but i need to know where i stand and if there is anything at all that i can do to help him.

A little bit of background:

My husband (Matthew) was born in 1984 and his parents divorced a year later, his mother then remarried and had two more sons in her native New York. His father also remarried but only had one child, a daughter born in 1991 (Jasmine) whom he raised with his wife in London, England. My husband lived with his mother in New York until 2005 when he decided to emigrate to England to trace his father.
Matthew and I met in 2007 and married in 2008 with our son, James, following in 2009. During those whirlwind years Matthew put off trying to find his father as he was occupied with work, marriage and a baby but by chance, Matthew began working for an agency which was run by his Step-Mother, Sandy, who soon reconnected Matthew and his father Tom in December 2010.
Matthew and Tom began to rebuild their relationship and soon became the best of friends which was just wonderful, then in May 2011 Tom and Sandy revealed that they had a daughter, Jasmine and she was eager to meet her new brother, sister-in-law and nephew as soon as she got back from a study break in Italy (Tom's native).

So, cut a long story short, Jasmine arrived home from her study break in late June 2011 and myself and Matthew instantly invited her to stay with us in our house for a while once she had settled back in at her home in London. She accepted.

So two weeks ago, Jasmine arrived at our doorstep and Matthew instantly lit up, it was like nothing i'd ever seen before, he was all over her. Giving her hugs, taking her bags and constantly asking her if she wanted anything. I could understand that he would be excited to see her, I was too, but his whole demeanor changed and it was like he had fallen head over heels.

Now, if this was any other man, i wouldn't be surprised in the least, Jasmine is absolutely stunning, with a beautiful personality to match and it's clear to see why she's so popular, but the way Matthew acts around her, you'd think he was a teenager again.
She has been here two weeks and Matthew just can't bear to be separated from her, he's always checking up on her, stroking her hair, talking with her late at night and when he's not in her company he becomes withdrawn and irritable.

Matthew has since lost interest in me and has completely put all his focus into Jasmine and it's starting to break me up inside as i feel rejected and highly jealous.
Don't get me wrong, i love Jasmine, i think she's lovely and i enjoy her company, but she is my husband's sister and it's hard for me to think that he could possibly see her as more than that.

If you did take the time to read this, Thank you so much.

[cedarforest]

First, I'd do a very honest analysis of myself (if I were you). Is this just jealously, & are you jealous by nature? You don't want to rush into charges or accuations that are groundless. That would really be bad, & set the tone for you being the "bad guy", & trying to keep them apart. With that said, it does have the components of GSA. So, if you & your husband have enjoyed an honest relationship, I think it would be appropriate to let him know you've noticed an extreme attachment to Jasmine (Remind him that Jasmine has a sister-in-law & nephew that want time with her, too). Maybe you could let him know that this concerned you to the point of doing some research, & this site, & a syndrome known as GSA, is what you found. Let him know that this phenomenon is common, but many times, very destructive to families. Let him know, that when discovered early, & properly handled, that GSA can be directed into GA, thus becoming one of the most incredible events of a person's life. And the GA can be enjoyed without shattering families. Invite him to view the site & even share with us. Of course, this will be bold, but if you have a very honest relationship, & if the GSA does exist, it could very well save much heartache. If he/she is involved in GSA, I'll guarantee you that while they may be estatic, they must be wondering why this steamroller has happened to them. The answers & info on this site can be very enlightening to them. Just my thoughts. I wish you well.--cedarforest

[art4me]

Hi Lily,

Welcome here. I am glad you came to this forum and brave your way to tell us about your experience here with your husband and sister-in-law.

There is a lot to be said about, GSA, why it happens and how it makes one feel experiencing it. You can read about it in other posts on this forum. Take your time and read and continue to educate yourself. It sounds like your husband has a classic GSA experience.

What I would like to do is support you the spouse. This is not easy, and extremely difficult. There have been other spouses here who have posted and you might find comfort in their words also.

Lily, I can hear your worry and concerns and I can validate them for you. Yes, GSA has a way of pulling two people like magnets and can be very hard for other family members to understand it or even experience what it is like being on the outside of the circle.

I would like you to encourage your husband to come to this forum. You know your husband, you married him and have a son together. That is a lot of connecting and bonding and special moments that you share. It might be a relief to him and Jasmine to know that GSA exists. It can be worrisome to experience such an intensity towards a family member and not even know why it is happening, and if it happen to anyone else.

The isolation in GSA can make it seem shameful or needs to be hidden. At this point, I would suggest that you discuss the elephant in the room. Once it is discussed what is going on, then you will begin to have a language of what is going on and how you all propose to manage.

Some suggests for you is...

Talk with your husband in a caring and nurturing way. Tell him of your concerns, not in a judging way but in a supportive way.

How long is Jasmine staying with your family? It is hard to sort through the intensity when she is living in the same household.

You and your husband must continue to connect in meaningful ways. Date night, every week! I know it is hard with a toddler, but it helps tremendously to keep you too connected on so many levels.

I am experiencing GSA, and I have a husband. I have been working hard to not become sexually involved, because of my family. So far it has been working, but an extremely slippery slope. What has helped me to manage is to increase dates with my husband. Slow down my connection with my father. Have others around us when we are in the same room. Only talk about things that are appropriate for a father and daughter. Educate myself on GSA. Find others to mentor me through this, wiser people who have been through the thick of it and can support me. Knowing that this very much has an obsession component to it, and can feel like a drug addiction.

I hope you continue to talk with us, and continue to get support, even if we can be an ear to listen to you as you journey through this.

[Vin Rohm]

Hi Lily, and welcome to our forum.

It sounds like Matthew is experiencing Genetic Attraction, or GA. Do you remember what it was like for you when your son was born? How you couldn't hold him close enough? How in the beginning the only real reason you put him down was because your arms were tired from holding him? Wel that is how Matthew is feeling toward Jasmine. He has recognized in her part of himself, and is doing all he can to bond with her.

The concepts of brother, sister, mother and father as we know them come from growing up with them in a home environment. In the case of your husband and his half sister, they were denied the construct of these concepts with each other. They are family only in a genetic sense, but are not yet family to each other. It's this emotional bonding process they are going thru right now that will create that bond they lack, but crave because of their sensual recognition of one another.

But it is also this emotional bonding process that makes it likely that their GA can become GSA -- genetic sexual attraction. It happens when these feelings get confused by our strong genetic attraction in the absence of a familiarity (root - familia=family) with the other person. It is a desire that feels very much like puppy love on steroids.

You can help him avoid this trap of mistaking his desire to bond with his lust to copulate by openning up the channels of communication between the two of you. Let him know how his behavior toward his sister makes you feel. But don't accuse him of neglecting you...he will not see it as such if accused. But he needs to know that you FEEL neglected, and that you desire that he try to spend more alone time with you.

You can talk with him about genetic attraction and genetic sexual attraction if you do not accuse him of having GSA. Get him to come here and read what others have gone thru, and tell him to ask us if he has any questions. Those who are informed of GSA before it happens are less likely to engage in sexual relations with their reunited kin.

[MrsLily]

Hello Everybody,

Can i just say first of all, Thank you so much for the instant replies, your advice so far has been wonderful and has reassured me of the situation so thank you again

A bit more detail on what's going on right now :

Jasmine will be here for around 2 months as her parents have decided to do some renovating on their home.

I am not usually a jealous person, my husband is an attractive man and the attention from other women that he sometimes receives doesn't worry me at all, so i am slightly surprised myself that i have been feeling jealous.


I have since done more research on the topic of GA/GSA and i'm getting increasingly sure that my husband is suffering from this, I was initially spurred on to continue researching when last night, shortly before my first post, Jasmine said she was going to go out and meet with a friend who lives a few miles away and for the whole duration of her absence, Matthew was irritable and restless, he was constantly checking her Facebook to see who she was meeting and kept fretting about if she would be meeting with a boy.
He waited up until she came home at around 3am and i could hear him dropping hints in conversation so he could find out who she met with.
Turns out, she HAD met a boy and ever since Matthew found this out, he's been completely detached, it is literally unreal, i just never thought that something like this would happen to us. Jasmine however has been as cool as a cucumber, i don't suspect that she returns Matthew's feelings as she is perfectly happy to be out of his company and is more interested, if i'm honest, in spending time with her nephew, James who adores her.

I've read all of your lovely posts and have really taken on board your advice, I've decided that i'm going to speak to Matthew tonight about my suspicions and i'm going to make sure that he knows that i'm going to stick by him.

I'm also going to show him this forum so that he knows he's not alone and that there are some lovely people on here that can help him and I through this difficult time.

I'm going to keep you all updated throughout the night if that's okay, i'm a bit nervous about confronting Matthew, but it kills me to see him so emotionless and by reading other people's stories on here, i think he could be very confused and a bit all over the place and i want to help him so desperately.

Thank You all again for your help and i'd really love to continue talking with you all,

Love, Lily x

P.S - Date Night sounds like a brilliant idea!

[cedarforest]

Please don't be discouraged or easily convinced if he denies it to the mountaintops. It's the natural thing to do, after all, who (other than a pervert), would be attracted to his sister? But above all, as we say, do not accuse, just reassure him that you know there's a change in him, & you suspect you may have found out why. The closest thing we have to numbers on GA/GSA happening, is a report called the Greenburg Report, where it was estimated that GA/GSA happened about half the time, in at least one of the reunited parties. Most of us feel that number is LOW!!! If I were you, I'd focus on the GA (which can also be destructive to the family), rather than the GSA (unless he comes out & admits it). There's such a stigma to the S coming into the picture.

You sound like a beautiful family, with allot of good things going for you. You have found us early on, plus it don't sound like she shares his obsession, so I have high hopes for you both navigating this thing thru successfully. I do not sense you as a jealous person in the wrong way, either. It's proper to be jealous of any other woman taking top place over you, that jealously/concern, is proper. Just be sure to give him time & support to bring this thing to a more acceptable state. We are so happy to share your journey with you, & look forward to the updates. Best Wishes.--cedarforest

[art4me]

Hi Lily,

As you prepare to speak with your husband tonight, may I suggest that you set your heart and mind with an intention.

What do you hope to accomplish by bringing his attention to Genetic Attraction?

How do you imagine doing this with your goal in mind?

How can your emotions benefit you in this situation? Or hinder you?

This is your journey through this too. Taking the first step to speak with your husband sounds like it is a positive empowerment for you in a situation where the spouse could feel so powerless. With that in mind, know that how ever he may react you are propelling yourself to a place of strength here.

He might need some time. GA and GSA is like a snow globe, being all shaken up. It is intense emotions swirling around and around you, who are the stable figures in the middle. Some of the emotions that might land on you like the snow are; ecstasy, attraction, lost, depression, hope, denial, confusion, anger, love and so forth. In time the swirling of snow has the potential to slow down. Just by bringing him this information is starting to provide a stable structure to let the snow globe sit upon, without being continually shaken.

When I told my husband about GA. I did leave out the sexual part in our first conversation. I used examples of other people who experience this. Instead of saying, I am experiencing a strong attraction to my father. I would say, I found other people on this website who have this genetic attraction to their brother or sister, mother or son, father or daughter. They say they feel an overwhelming desire to be with this person. Just as I do with my dad.

It might be helpful instead of saying, YOU, YOU, YOU. To displace the it a bit by saying, it is interesting and fascinating that other brothers and sister reunited have felt such an amazing pull to be together. Some say they feel great around this person and lonely without them. I want you to know that if you feel in any way like this, I am here to support you. I have also read that some brothers and sisters, learned how to navigate through the tough beginning and became best friends.

The first conversation may be short. And through out the next days and weeks more and more discussion may happen then one big conversation.

Wishing you a positive experience tonight.

[MrsLily]

Hello everybody,

I just read through your new replies which were incredibly helpful and informative and helped me confront my husband this evening.

Matthew and I sat down in the kitchen and asked Jasmine to watch a dvd with James upstairs to give us some space; By asking Jasmine to give us a bit of privacy, my husband had guessed that i was going to be talking about her which made the confrontation a little easier.
I told Matthew that i was surprised by his change of attitude and his actions towards Jasmine and therefore did some research about GA/GSA, i told him that i found this forum and that by reading other people's stories i had come to a conclusion that GA/GSA was definitely something to consider. Matthew, to my surprise, agreed and confessed that he, too had done some research whilst at work a few days after Jasmine arrived at our home.
Matthew's confession flooded me with relief, but also broke my heart at the same time, i felt guilty that i didn't look into this sooner and let him go through these emotions alone.

I asked Matthew if he could explain to me his feelings towards Jasmine, he was very vague but told me that he felt instant adoration for her and that he just wants to be with her every minute of every day. When i brought up the "S" part of GSA he concluded that he didn't want to talk about that and left the kitchen where we were talking to join Jasmine and James upstairs.

This was not too long ago and i'm still reeling from our chat.
I honestly do not know where to go from here, Please don't think i am feeling sorry for myself, i don't at all. I just feel helpless.

Jasmine and I are going out tomorrow to buy a present for her mother's birthday and i am considering talking to Jasmine about Matthew's feelings, but on the other hand, i don't want to scare her away or make her feel uncomfortable.

Once again, if you read this, Thank you

Love, Lily x

[MrsLily]

P.S

Thank you for your replies so far and for the lovely things that you have said to me about myself and my family.
You have all been so supportive and kind so far and i feel a huge amount of relief to know that i can just log on, post and receive advice from a warm and welcoming community.

Lots of love to all of you,

Lily x

[cedarforest]

Why not consider leaving him a note somewhere he is certain to find it, saying something to this effect. "Thank You for your honesty. I know from my little bit of research, that this is a huge deal to you. But anything huge to you, is huge to me, too. Anything that affects you is going to have enormous effect on me. I want us to face this together. Let's just take a few days (no more than a week, max), to think, write down our thoughts & feelings, & try to come up with solutions for dealing successfuly with this issue". Do this separately, but set a time to sit down (just you two), & revisit this".

I think you need to give him the understanding that you have gathered enough info to realize that the feelings of obsession will not go away quickly, & you're prepared to be patient. Try to take the stance of being supportive & understanding, for the time being. It really is a natural thing, it's just that the timing was done as adults, & not as kids (before grown up feelings dictate reactions). There's plenty of opportunity to change your approach, if he uses your compassion against you.

I think you're in a good spot, overall. It was a big thing that he admitted his obsession, & that he too, had researched this. Try your best to focus on the positive, there's so much hope for you to get this resolved successfully. Invite him to come onboard & post here. he will find friends. Best wishes to you.--cedarforest