Working through GSA with son

abwhite · 08-07-2006, 09:47 PM

This is my first time on this site. I reunited with my son a year ago and at first it was wonderful. As the relationship progressed, I realized I was looking to him as a distraction and "savior" from my dysfunctional marriage. GSA set in and I'm trying to get over it but it is so hard. The GSA is just on my end and because it's just me that suffers from it, I feel rejected by my son. His birth dad left when he learned I was pregnant at age 16. My son loves me but as a son, nothing more. I feel rejected by him, his birth dad, and my husband who is an alcoholic.
How do I "get over" this obcession and love him as a mother should? His wife divorced him two years ago and he is now dating again. I get so jealous of his female friends. It's a terrible thing to deal with and I don't know if I should tell my son about my feelings to help him understand or is that overstepping appropriate boundaries?

5Kmom · 08-27-2006, 05:27 PM

Dear abwhite:

Wow! i am amazed that you have been able to identify your feelings so well. In retrospect, I wish I had been able to see what was happening with regard to my feelings. I was in a similar situation a few years ago and did not take a step back to see what was happening - like you have.

In my case, both my son and I experienced the intensity of the GSA feelings. I feel that I was the more responsible adult in the situation, but I did not accept my responsibility and we acted on the feelings. Sadly, our hope for a reunion/happily ever-after life was destroyed by my inability to see what consequences my actions would cause.

Now my son and I are not in contact with one another at all. My heart aches every day for him - no longer in the intense way that it did during the experience of GSA - but in the more familiar pain that I endured the 28 years before we were reunited. Even though we naively discussed our intense feelings with each other, we both attributed the feelings to a need to "bond". Because we were confused by those feelings, we felt like no one would understand them and we were afraid to discuss them with anyone other than each other. Ultimately, we set ourselves up for disaster.

I hope you find the right answer for you and your son. I can only speak for myself, but - if I had known about GSA during that crucial time in our reunion - I believe that we could have had a better outcome for our relationship.

Wishing you the best and hoping you will write if you need to -
5kMom

MamaR · 08-28-2006, 07:56 AM

5Kmom, I am so sorry that things turned out as they did. I have a close friend in adoption activism who also went over the line with her adult reunited son and it caused an unbelieveable amount of trouble. They also saw it as a form of "bonding" which she now realizes was an attempt for them to justify doing what they wanted to do. Her 11-year-old daughter almost caught them in the act.

That was about 6 years ago and they now have started to try to re-build a tentative relationship. It can never be what it might have been, but they do communicate, albeit not often or for long. I don't know if this will help in any way, but she told me that, in order for them to try again, they had to "forgive ourselves and each other." (her words) Maybe that can happen with you...maybe not, but the forgiving oneself idea is a good thing.

5Kmom · 08-28-2006, 11:27 PM

Thanks for your comments, MamaR. I appreciate the empathy this website provides for all who struggle with this phenomenon. My heart also goes out to your friend.

I agree that forgiveness is the key to healing. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself, but I do now understand the emotion that "drove" the action. I continue to try to work through that emotion. I feel I am just at the tip of the iceberg - the pain runs very deep within me. Of course, professionals don't even know of or believe that this is a real problem. Either they have not heard of it, and have no experience with it - or they mislabel it as sexual addiction. I feel commited to understanding it enough to try to educate the professionals I personally have come in contact with in the past 18 months.

I will keep checking the website, staying connected with Barb and offering my thoughts when I feel moved to do so. I also will not give up on the belief that someday I will be able to communicate with my son again.

Take care -
kc

MamaR · 08-29-2006, 05:11 PM

I felt that way for a long time about my relationship with my half brother. I did manage to do it, though, and the relief was immense. We learn from our guilt, but when we have learned the lesson, then we need to do what damage control we can and let the guilt go.

GSA is powerful as is the grief of a mother who loses her child to adoption. You had a lot happening, and you can be more gentle with yourself just for that reason alone.

abwhite · 08-29-2006, 08:27 PM

Dear 5Kmom,
Thank you so much for sharing your story and encouraging me. I am so grateful for this site. As many others have said, there seems to be little resource information or understanding from therapists about how powerful GSA is. Fortunately I learned about GSA early on in my reunited relationship with my son. I stumbled upon a website called www.reunite.com and it is an excellent resource. I emailed my son and sent articles from the site and told him it was scary stuff to read which was my way of hinting to him that I was struggling with GSA. But he either didn't pick up on it or chose to ignore it because his response was, "it is a generalized comment and it doesn't mean everyone has the same experience or feelings". My son is extremely attractive and charming, just like his birthdad who dumped me. In fact, he looks identical to his birthdad and has similar personality traits, a "ladies man". I truly believe why I was vunerable to GSA is because my husband has lost interest in sex, is an alcoholic in denial, and we haven't been intimate in years. Along comes this very handsome young man that I never got to nuture and touch all these years, and whamo, it hit me.

This sounds like a soap opera, but now my son is deployed and serving in a very dangerous area. I miss him terribly but hate it when he discusses his romances with women. (He is divorced) A few weeks ago, he called me to say he had a girlfriend and I attacked him via email, saying I was obcessing about him and I feel he is trying to hurt me by telling of his girlfriend, just like his dad did. After that, he started calling less frequently and emailing me sporadically. I am glad he hasn't felt the GSA but part of me wishes he does because I feel rejected by my husband. I know I need to focus on my marriage but...
that takes so much work!!!!!!!! And it can't be one-sided.
I've babbled enough. Hang in there with your son. You may want to try and write him if calling him is too difficult. feel free to contact me again and know there are others out there that understand and don't judge you.

5Kmom · 09-05-2006, 07:18 PM

Yes - Until I found this site, I believed that I was the Devil incarnate! It has been good to get to know about GSA (although I wish I had learned about it just a little bit sooner! :-() Anyway - it's because of the support and encouragement of others who do not judge that this website is so important!

You know I went through almost a year of intensive therapy after my sexual relationship with my birthson was discovered - not to mention the 4 years of just regular therapy I was involved in when he re-entered my life after 28 years - and still did not learn about GSA from my clinicians. One therapist had heard of it, but the rest all chalked imy behavior up to a sexual impulsiveness/addiction issue. No one really examined the emotion of what was going on.

My sister-in-law just sent me an email about a mama tiger who had lost her cubs and exhibited all the signs of depression (surprise! surprise!) To help her thrive again, the zookeepers found orphaned piglets, wrapped them in tiger skins and put them in with the tiger. Guess what? She nurtured them and began to come out of her depression. For me, that story just struck "home" again how deeply maternal instinct and the need to bond really is. Yet, even knowing important observations in psychology like that or like the Resis monkey babies needing to be cuddled and loved in order to thrive, our psychologists and psychiatrists were repulsed when they heard that I had a physical (sexual) relationship with my son.

"Oh, you must be a sex addict"! " You are a sexual deviant"! " You are a child molester"! (My son was 29 at the time). Not one professional recognized it as GSA. My husband was devastated - how could this woman he had known and loved for 22 years have sex with her own son??!! My other children were made aware of it because our therapists equated it with incestual behaviors of a parent to a child - and keeping secrets only perpetuates the risk to other children in the family. So - they also had to endure the shock and horror of it - without anyone to guide them through the "root" of the problem. Suddenly, their mom was treated as a sick-o, a pervert, a criminal. It was enough to kill me.

Now, 18 months after my confession, I finally have this site to come to and be among people who know the true pain of this syndrome. Barb has done us all a great service. I feel that educating the professionals is the key - and advocating for open adoptions will reduce the risk of occurrence of GSA, because it is the separation that causes the intensity of feelings when the reunion occurs. Without the separation, there is no need for a reunion. When all parties are aware of each other, the risk of GSA will be less prevalent because all parties will know each other in a familial sense. Sexual interaction between the parties will be less likely to be a part of that equation.

Enough "soapboxing" - I just am thankful that you all are out there -
5kMom

aalex · 06-17-2007, 07:56 PM

Dear 5Kmom,
I am the adoptive parent of a 29 year old daughter who discovered her birth father back in October. After knowing him about 1 month she left her husband and two children (ages 5 and 8) to go and live with him in another state 800 miles away. She continues to talk with me once or twice each week but there is no inclination to discuss the need for any help or the possibility of returning to her family. She has come for three visits but the children become so upset when she does visit and then leaves again that we have decided it is probably better for her not to come. She seems completely unable to identify with our pain. She does not admit to a sexual relationship but the signs are all there. Her bio father has even gotten a divorce since all this happened. He says he was in a bad marriage and that is the reason for the divorce but I don't really buy it. I have talked, pleaded, tried to coerce, you name it, and nothing has helped. So now, for now, I am trying to allow her to do what she is doing and face the consequences when they come. I just find it so hard to see the pain of her children and husband and not try to do something. She seems completely dead emotionally except when she speaks of her birth father. Her birth mother is deceased so she never got to meet her. I think this fact has compounded the problem. I have let her know that she can come home and that no matter what she has done she can be okay, but she does not seem to want to join her family. She says she isn't cut out to be a mother. I find it strange that she seemed like a perfectly good mother for 8 years. Her children adore her.
I guess I tell you all this because I want to know whether you can identify with any of this and if you have any advice for me as her mother.
Thank you.
aalex

reunitedbutconfused · 06-19-2007, 07:02 AM

abwhite- I was in a similar situation -my marriage was in ruins & I was very emotionally vulnerable when I went away with my hb so I think that made me very vulnerable to GSA. Since then tho I have been honest with my husband about the GSA (the hardest night of my life!) & we have moved forward with couples counselling & tackled all our issues & now finally we seem to have resolved it all & life iss once more looking good. But that is because he is a fantastic person who really loves me (cant see many men putting up with knowing about GSA!) & we have both really wanted it to work out. There was never any question of hb & I having any kind of permanent relationship as a couple. Now that things are really good between us the GSA has really lessened, all the obsessive behaviour has stopped & I feel we can move on to a brother/sister relationship.
One thing my therapist said to me was that "you are looking for something in your brother which you arent getting from your husband" - this I thought rang true when I read your post. I suspect you really want out of your marriage & you are looking for a "substitute". Perhaps if you are brave & get yourself out of this dysfunctional marriage you would be free to find someone else who would fulfill ALL your needs & you would be free to have a more "normal" relationship with your son. It sounds like it is all causing you a lot of pain the way it is going at the moment & as it is unrequited can only really get worse

otherwise_normal · 06-21-2007, 05:10 PM

QOTING ABWHITE I truly believe why I was vunerable to GSA is because my husband has lost interest in sex, is an alcoholic in denial, and we haven't been intimate in years. Along comes this very handsome young man that I never got to nuture and touch all these years, and whamo, it hit me.

END QUOTE]

I have GSA feelings for my 19 year old son with whom I have been reunited for a year. He has the same feelings for me. I knew about this phenomena and what causes it from reading adoption books. It didn't help. I have a wonderful marriage of 17 years to a man I love dearly and we have a great sex life. It didn't help. I gave all the sexual feelings I had for my son to my husband. It didn't help. We have still crossed the line of what is normal mother/son affection.

I do not want sexual attraction between me and my son. I don't want sexual activity between us and neither does he. I don't want to jeopardize my family. I don't want to damage my poor son further, I want him to have a normal sex life with a young woman he can start his own family with.

I have talked to my son about this. He understands what it causing it and we are trying to work through it. I am so frustrated because I only hear stories of people who are in the thick of it, or seem to want this relationship, and never from people who have come out the other side with an appropriate relationship. I'm terrified of loosing my son and I'm terrified of loosing my family. THIS SUCKS!

08-07-2006, 09:47 PM	#1
abwhite Junior Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Posts: 5	Working through GSA with son This is my first time on this site. I reunited with my son a year ago and at first it was wonderful. As the relationship progressed, I realized I was looking to him as a distraction and "savior" from my dysfunctional marriage. GSA set in and I'm trying to get over it but it is so hard. The GSA is just on my end and because it's just me that suffers from it, I feel rejected by my son. His birth dad left when he learned I was pregnant at age 16. My son loves me but as a son, nothing more. I feel rejected by him, his birth dad, and my husband who is an alcoholic. How do I "get over" this obcession and love him as a mother should? His wife divorced him two years ago and he is now dating again. I get so jealous of his female friends. It's a terrible thing to deal with and I don't know if I should tell my son about my feelings to help him understand or is that overstepping appropriate boundaries?

08-27-2006, 05:27 PM	#2
5Kmom Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Posts: 36	Working through Dear abwhite: Wow! i am amazed that you have been able to identify your feelings so well. In retrospect, I wish I had been able to see what was happening with regard to my feelings. I was in a similar situation a few years ago and did not take a step back to see what was happening - like you have. In my case, both my son and I experienced the intensity of the GSA feelings. I feel that I was the more responsible adult in the situation, but I did not accept my responsibility and we acted on the feelings. Sadly, our hope for a reunion/happily ever-after life was destroyed by my inability to see what consequences my actions would cause. Now my son and I are not in contact with one another at all. My heart aches every day for him - no longer in the intense way that it did during the experience of GSA - but in the more familiar pain that I endured the 28 years before we were reunited. Even though we naively discussed our intense feelings with each other, we both attributed the feelings to a need to "bond". Because we were confused by those feelings, we felt like no one would understand them and we were afraid to discuss them with anyone other than each other. Ultimately, we set ourselves up for disaster. I hope you find the right answer for you and your son. I can only speak for myself, but - if I had known about GSA during that crucial time in our reunion - I believe that we could have had a better outcome for our relationship. Wishing you the best and hoping you will write if you need to - 5kMom

08-28-2006, 11:27 PM	#4
5Kmom Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Posts: 36	Forgiveness Thanks for your comments, MamaR. I appreciate the empathy this website provides for all who struggle with this phenomenon. My heart also goes out to your friend. I agree that forgiveness is the key to healing. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself, but I do now understand the emotion that "drove" the action. I continue to try to work through that emotion. I feel I am just at the tip of the iceberg - the pain runs very deep within me. Of course, professionals don't even know of or believe that this is a real problem. Either they have not heard of it, and have no experience with it - or they mislabel it as sexual addiction. I feel commited to understanding it enough to try to educate the professionals I personally have come in contact with in the past 18 months. I will keep checking the website, staying connected with Barb and offering my thoughts when I feel moved to do so. I also will not give up on the belief that someday I will be able to communicate with my son again. Take care - kc

08-29-2006, 08:27 PM	#6
abwhite Junior Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Posts: 5	struggling with birthmom and son issues Dear 5Kmom, Thank you so much for sharing your story and encouraging me. I am so grateful for this site. As many others have said, there seems to be little resource information or understanding from therapists about how powerful GSA is. Fortunately I learned about GSA early on in my reunited relationship with my son. I stumbled upon a website called www.reunite.com and it is an excellent resource. I emailed my son and sent articles from the site and told him it was scary stuff to read which was my way of hinting to him that I was struggling with GSA. But he either didn't pick up on it or chose to ignore it because his response was, "it is a generalized comment and it doesn't mean everyone has the same experience or feelings". My son is extremely attractive and charming, just like his birthdad who dumped me. In fact, he looks identical to his birthdad and has similar personality traits, a "ladies man". I truly believe why I was vunerable to GSA is because my husband has lost interest in sex, is an alcoholic in denial, and we haven't been intimate in years. Along comes this very handsome young man that I never got to nuture and touch all these years, and whamo, it hit me. This sounds like a soap opera, but now my son is deployed and serving in a very dangerous area. I miss him terribly but hate it when he discusses his romances with women. (He is divorced) A few weeks ago, he called me to say he had a girlfriend and I attacked him via email, saying I was obcessing about him and I feel he is trying to hurt me by telling of his girlfriend, just like his dad did. After that, he started calling less frequently and emailing me sporadically. I am glad he hasn't felt the GSA but part of me wishes he does because I feel rejected by my husband. I know I need to focus on my marriage but... that takes so much work!!!!!!!! And it can't be one-sided. I've babbled enough. Hang in there with your son. You may want to try and write him if calling him is too difficult. feel free to contact me again and know there are others out there that understand and don't judge you.

09-05-2006, 07:18 PM	#7
5Kmom Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Posts: 36	Judgement of GSA Yes - Until I found this site, I believed that I was the Devil incarnate! It has been good to get to know about GSA (although I wish I had learned about it just a little bit sooner! :-() Anyway - it's because of the support and encouragement of others who do not judge that this website is so important! You know I went through almost a year of intensive therapy after my sexual relationship with my birthson was discovered - not to mention the 4 years of just regular therapy I was involved in when he re-entered my life after 28 years - and still did not learn about GSA from my clinicians. One therapist had heard of it, but the rest all chalked imy behavior up to a sexual impulsiveness/addiction issue. No one really examined the emotion of what was going on. My sister-in-law just sent me an email about a mama tiger who had lost her cubs and exhibited all the signs of depression (surprise! surprise!) To help her thrive again, the zookeepers found orphaned piglets, wrapped them in tiger skins and put them in with the tiger. Guess what? She nurtured them and began to come out of her depression. For me, that story just struck "home" again how deeply maternal instinct and the need to bond really is. Yet, even knowing important observations in psychology like that or like the Resis monkey babies needing to be cuddled and loved in order to thrive, our psychologists and psychiatrists were repulsed when they heard that I had a physical (sexual) relationship with my son. "Oh, you must be a sex addict"! " You are a sexual deviant"! " You are a child molester"! (My son was 29 at the time). Not one professional recognized it as GSA. My husband was devastated - how could this woman he had known and loved for 22 years have sex with her own son??!! My other children were made aware of it because our therapists equated it with incestual behaviors of a parent to a child - and keeping secrets only perpetuates the risk to other children in the family. So - they also had to endure the shock and horror of it - without anyone to guide them through the "root" of the problem. Suddenly, their mom was treated as a sick-o, a pervert, a criminal. It was enough to kill me. Now, 18 months after my confession, I finally have this site to come to and be among people who know the true pain of this syndrome. Barb has done us all a great service. I feel that educating the professionals is the key - and advocating for open adoptions will reduce the risk of occurrence of GSA, because it is the separation that causes the intensity of feelings when the reunion occurs. Without the separation, there is no need for a reunion. When all parties are aware of each other, the risk of GSA will be less prevalent because all parties will know each other in a familial sense. Sexual interaction between the parties will be less likely to be a part of that equation. Enough "soapboxing" - I just am thankful that you all are out there - 5kMom

08-28-2006, 07:56 AM	#3
MamaR Member Join Date: May 2006 Posts: 55	5Kmom, I am so sorry that things turned out as they did. I have a close friend in adoption activism who also went over the line with her adult reunited son and it caused an unbelieveable amount of trouble. They also saw it as a form of "bonding" which she now realizes was an attempt for them to justify doing what they wanted to do. Her 11-year-old daughter almost caught them in the act. That was about 6 years ago and they now have started to try to re-build a tentative relationship. It can never be what it might have been, but they do communicate, albeit not often or for long. I don't know if this will help in any way, but she told me that, in order for them to try again, they had to "forgive ourselves and each other." (her words) Maybe that can happen with you...maybe not, but the forgiving oneself idea is a good thing.

08-29-2006, 05:11 PM	#5
MamaR Member Join Date: May 2006 Posts: 55	I felt that way for a long time about my relationship with my half brother. I did manage to do it, though, and the relief was immense. We learn from our guilt, but when we have learned the lesson, then we need to do what damage control we can and let the guilt go. GSA is powerful as is the grief of a mother who loses her child to adoption. You had a lot happening, and you can be more gentle with yourself just for that reason alone.

06-17-2007, 07:56 PM	#8
aalex Junior Member Join Date: May 2007 Posts: 4	family pain Dear 5Kmom, I am the adoptive parent of a 29 year old daughter who discovered her birth father back in October. After knowing him about 1 month she left her husband and two children (ages 5 and 8) to go and live with him in another state 800 miles away. She continues to talk with me once or twice each week but there is no inclination to discuss the need for any help or the possibility of returning to her family. She has come for three visits but the children become so upset when she does visit and then leaves again that we have decided it is probably better for her not to come. She seems completely unable to identify with our pain. She does not admit to a sexual relationship but the signs are all there. Her bio father has even gotten a divorce since all this happened. He says he was in a bad marriage and that is the reason for the divorce but I don't really buy it. I have talked, pleaded, tried to coerce, you name it, and nothing has helped. So now, for now, I am trying to allow her to do what she is doing and face the consequences when they come. I just find it so hard to see the pain of her children and husband and not try to do something. She seems completely dead emotionally except when she speaks of her birth father. Her birth mother is deceased so she never got to meet her. I think this fact has compounded the problem. I have let her know that she can come home and that no matter what she has done she can be okay, but she does not seem to want to join her family. She says she isn't cut out to be a mother. I find it strange that she seemed like a perfectly good mother for 8 years. Her children adore her. I guess I tell you all this because I want to know whether you can identify with any of this and if you have any advice for me as her mother. Thank you. aalex

06-19-2007, 07:02 AM	#9
reunitedbutconfused Member Join Date: May 2007 Posts: 43	abwhite- I was in a similar situation -my marriage was in ruins & I was very emotionally vulnerable when I went away with my hb so I think that made me very vulnerable to GSA. Since then tho I have been honest with my husband about the GSA (the hardest night of my life!) & we have moved forward with couples counselling & tackled all our issues & now finally we seem to have resolved it all & life iss once more looking good. But that is because he is a fantastic person who really loves me (cant see many men putting up with knowing about GSA!) & we have both really wanted it to work out. There was never any question of hb & I having any kind of permanent relationship as a couple. Now that things are really good between us the GSA has really lessened, all the obsessive behaviour has stopped & I feel we can move on to a brother/sister relationship. One thing my therapist said to me was that "you are looking for something in your brother which you arent getting from your husband" - this I thought rang true when I read your post. I suspect you really want out of your marriage & you are looking for a "substitute". Perhaps if you are brave & get yourself out of this dysfunctional marriage you would be free to find someone else who would fulfill ALL your needs & you would be free to have a more "normal" relationship with your son. It sounds like it is all causing you a lot of pain the way it is going at the moment & as it is unrequited can only really get worse

06-21-2007, 05:10 PM	#10
otherwise_normal Junior Member Join Date: May 2007 Posts: 5	QOTING ABWHITE I truly believe why I was vunerable to GSA is because my husband has lost interest in sex, is an alcoholic in denial, and we haven't been intimate in years. Along comes this very handsome young man that I never got to nuture and touch all these years, and whamo, it hit me. END QUOTE] I have GSA feelings for my 19 year old son with whom I have been reunited for a year. He has the same feelings for me. I knew about this phenomena and what causes it from reading adoption books. It didn't help. I have a wonderful marriage of 17 years to a man I love dearly and we have a great sex life. It didn't help. I gave all the sexual feelings I had for my son to my husband. It didn't help. We have still crossed the line of what is normal mother/son affection. I do not want sexual attraction between me and my son. I don't want sexual activity between us and neither does he. I don't want to jeopardize my family. I don't want to damage my poor son further, I want him to have a normal sex life with a young woman he can start his own family with. I have talked to my son about this. He understands what it causing it and we are trying to work through it. I am so frustrated because I only hear stories of people who are in the thick of it, or seem to want this relationship, and never from people who have come out the other side with an appropriate relationship. I'm terrified of loosing my son and I'm terrified of loosing my family. THIS SUCKS! Last edited by otherwise_normal : 06-21-2007 at 05:13 PM.

Thread Tools	Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Email this Page	Search this Thread: Advanced Search