Should I tell him?

LULU · 08-10-2006, 04:16 AM

I have been looking at the posts on this site for 2 1/2 years now, thank God it happens to other people (I thought I was just weird).

I was looking for my Dad who I hadn't had any contact with since I was a baby (over 45 years then) . I put a post on a website and my h/b contacted me and we met up that night, he lives very close to me. He told me my Dad had died a couple of months previously, I was devastated as I had always wanted to contact him but knew it would cause family problems so I always put it off and now it was too late. I now know he had told my h/b and h/s about me otherwise I still wouldn't know anything.

My h/b was great, he told me about him and give me pictures and video etc. The more we saw of each other the more I grew to like him. I am usually very guarded with my emotions and letting people into my life.
Not wanting to get hurt and feeling insecure (this stems from my Dad never getting in touch). My h/b hugged and kissed me and told me he loved me, I was very pleased but also scared as we are both married adults and it seemed strange to have feelings like this for other people. The more I saw him I started to feel the same way, I wanted to touch his hand and feel close to him and speak to him on the phone all the time. This really scared me and this is when I looked up your website and was relieved it wasn't just happening to me.

My h/b and his wife don't get on and she didn't want anything to do with me but my husband and children had met him a couple of times although we usually met alone. His wife became increasingly distressed at us meeting alothough he lied and didn't then tell her he was meeting me. A lot of things went on between them and she started calling my mobile etc........... they had a lot of problems regarding this and we didn't speak to each other for 9 months as she told him that my husband said he was to stay away which he hadn't , I was devasted I really needed and missed him.

We are speaking now and have seen each other once, he calls me and says he misses me and needs to see me but it never happens.

Do you think I should tell him how I feel and try to get over the feelings or say nothing and hope it goes away.

I am sure he feels the same as I do but nothing can happen as it will destroy our families and our lives as I know it can't be a permanent thing as after all we are brother and sister.

Any advice out there?

BarbGonyo · 08-10-2006, 08:37 AM

Hello Lulu,

I'm glad you found this site if it will help you. I'm not sure what kind of help you are looking for. Are you asking if you should move on and let it all go? Or are you asking how to tell your brother how you feel in hopes that he feels the same and that more will develop between you?

In reading your post, my first reaction was your strong need to connect with your father who is no longer alive. Your brother has now stepped up to take the place of your missing father in your heart. He has been kind in sharing stories about your father which makes him more real to you.

His marriage already a troubled one for what reason I don't know, is in more trouble due to her suspicions of both of you spending too much time together and falling in love. She is correct and has reason to be afraid.

Your marriage sounds like it is in tact but in danger. If you and your brother decide that your relationship would go in the direction of a GSA relationship, it could get very deep and dangerous. I'm sure othes will tell you that it will be beautiful and that you are soul mates and that you should go for the Gold so to speak.

That is up to you to decide how much you are willing to sacrifice on both your parts and your families.

You didn't say that you had already crossed the GSA line or not so I'm guessing that has not happened.

My words to you are that if you want your brother in your life for the rest of your life to share holidays and family events, that you work through the GSA feelings and concentrate on it being a brother sister. Do your grief work on not getting to meet your father and realize that your brother is not a substitue for that love. A brother is a wonderful thing to have and you want to keep him.

I know deep down you would like it both ways but I've seen few people who can acomplish this.

I hope this site will help you and that you will read all the posts not just the ones that say what you want to hear. Then you can make an wise decision.

Welcome,

Barb Gonyo

LULU · 08-11-2006, 06:04 AM

Thanks Barb,

I wanted to know if people thought that his keeping away from me but ringing me and telling me how much he missed me etc maybe he was feeling the same way as I do.

I would like to tell him how I feel, even if he isn't feeling the same way, so we can work through it and just have a brother/sister relationship.

You are right as I will never have my Dad he is really important to me as he is part of my Dad and this is why I think the feelings for my h/b are so strong also.

I would like to tell him but I don't want to scare him off if he doesn't understand my feelings. We haven't crossed the line and hope we never do but the feelings on both are so intense when we are together, this is why I would like to integrate him more with my family and friends and we are not always alone.

I just don't want to ruin the relationship for good but I feel I must ask for his help in getting through this as I can't speak to anyone else about it.

BarbGonyo · 08-11-2006, 09:49 AM

Hello Lulu,

I think that incorporating him into your family life as a brother and being together with family at all times is the best idea at this time.

Being alone will only make the feelings stronger and the temptation will grow. Thinking of him as a brother and acting like he is your brother might save your lifetime relationship with him.

Thinking of him as part father that you will never get to know, or soul mate or possible lover whether or not he feels the same could be destructive.

You have to decide what you want this to be.

Brother
Family
Friend
Lover

These are important decisions. Think of each one separatly and think of what each one of these things would bring to your life and your current family and his.

I know how hard this is but I also know it can get a lot harder if your decisions are not wise ones.

Can you tell me where you are in an email? If you are in the U.K. there is support for your feelings at Post Adoption Centre as they know this issue quite well and have copies of my book.

If you are in the states, let me know.

Stay well, and don't despair because you can eventually work it out. It takes a long time because there are issues that lead to GSA and causes GSA that you need to work on other than wanting him to admit that he feels the same for you which opens doors of temptation even wider.

That may be what you are looking for at this time but it isn't always the way to go. I'm not being judgemental as some may think. To me it is as if you came to me for sky diving lessons and I told you to jump but never told you to put on a parachute before you jump.

In other words, don't make rash hurried decisions that you will pay for the rest of your life. You and your brother aren't the only people involved here as you both have families. I know losing him would make you feel as though you lost your father all over again so be careful of those feelings.

Your brother can't be your everything as we all like to make our found person become. Your loss is great and you have to grieve for your father without making your brother the one who will take his place.

God Bless,
Barb G

MamaR · 08-11-2006, 06:08 PM

Lulu,

I am with Barb. Be really honest with yourself. What are you envisioning happening should you tell your brother about your feelings? Aren't you really hoping that his feelings for you might be the same? Are you picturing the two of you falling into each others arms in a romantic clinch?

These GSA feelings are addictive, seductive and powerful. I know because I've been there and done that and lost my brother for many years because of it. I also lost my self-respect for a while there and that is no fun. My h/b and I are just now able to face each other openly, without shame, and have a sibling relationship that we should have had from the start. That was in 1968, so you see how many years were lost.

Please think long and hard before you further complicate an already complicated situation. Give yourself a chance to work through your grief and other issues. Right now, your GSA feelings are just that...only feelings, and to put that on your brother is not fair to him, especially if he doesn't return those kinds of feelings.

Reading and educating yourself about grief and GSA is a good start.

LULU · 08-13-2006, 05:35 AM

Thanks for your comments, it has helped.

I desperatley want to keep him as a brother and I am trying to hide my true feelings but it is difficult as his openly affectionate on the phone and when we meet.

The hardest part is not being able to speak to someone re: situation as I ususally share problems with close friends, I am sure they suspected something was not right in the begining as I couldn't stop talking about him but I try not to now.

I will keep looking at this site for inspiration and help.

08-10-2006, 04:16 AM	#1
LULU Junior Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: England Posts: 3	Should I tell him? I have been looking at the posts on this site for 2 1/2 years now, thank God it happens to other people (I thought I was just weird). I was looking for my Dad who I hadn't had any contact with since I was a baby (over 45 years then) . I put a post on a website and my h/b contacted me and we met up that night, he lives very close to me. He told me my Dad had died a couple of months previously, I was devastated as I had always wanted to contact him but knew it would cause family problems so I always put it off and now it was too late. I now know he had told my h/b and h/s about me otherwise I still wouldn't know anything. My h/b was great, he told me about him and give me pictures and video etc. The more we saw of each other the more I grew to like him. I am usually very guarded with my emotions and letting people into my life. Not wanting to get hurt and feeling insecure (this stems from my Dad never getting in touch). My h/b hugged and kissed me and told me he loved me, I was very pleased but also scared as we are both married adults and it seemed strange to have feelings like this for other people. The more I saw him I started to feel the same way, I wanted to touch his hand and feel close to him and speak to him on the phone all the time. This really scared me and this is when I looked up your website and was relieved it wasn't just happening to me. My h/b and his wife don't get on and she didn't want anything to do with me but my husband and children had met him a couple of times although we usually met alone. His wife became increasingly distressed at us meeting alothough he lied and didn't then tell her he was meeting me. A lot of things went on between them and she started calling my mobile etc........... they had a lot of problems regarding this and we didn't speak to each other for 9 months as she told him that my husband said he was to stay away which he hadn't , I was devasted I really needed and missed him. We are speaking now and have seen each other once, he calls me and says he misses me and needs to see me but it never happens. Do you think I should tell him how I feel and try to get over the feelings or say nothing and hope it goes away. I am sure he feels the same as I do but nothing can happen as it will destroy our families and our lives as I know it can't be a permanent thing as after all we are brother and sister. Any advice out there? __________________ Thanks Lulu

08-10-2006, 08:37 AM	#2
BarbGonyo Administrator Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 301	Should I tell him? Hello Lulu, I'm glad you found this site if it will help you. I'm not sure what kind of help you are looking for. Are you asking if you should move on and let it all go? Or are you asking how to tell your brother how you feel in hopes that he feels the same and that more will develop between you? In reading your post, my first reaction was your strong need to connect with your father who is no longer alive. Your brother has now stepped up to take the place of your missing father in your heart. He has been kind in sharing stories about your father which makes him more real to you. His marriage already a troubled one for what reason I don't know, is in more trouble due to her suspicions of both of you spending too much time together and falling in love. She is correct and has reason to be afraid. Your marriage sounds like it is in tact but in danger. If you and your brother decide that your relationship would go in the direction of a GSA relationship, it could get very deep and dangerous. I'm sure othes will tell you that it will be beautiful and that you are soul mates and that you should go for the Gold so to speak. That is up to you to decide how much you are willing to sacrifice on both your parts and your families. You didn't say that you had already crossed the GSA line or not so I'm guessing that has not happened. My words to you are that if you want your brother in your life for the rest of your life to share holidays and family events, that you work through the GSA feelings and concentrate on it being a brother sister. Do your grief work on not getting to meet your father and realize that your brother is not a substitue for that love. A brother is a wonderful thing to have and you want to keep him. I know deep down you would like it both ways but I've seen few people who can acomplish this. I hope this site will help you and that you will read all the posts not just the ones that say what you want to hear. Then you can make an wise decision. Welcome, Barb Gonyo __________________ Barbara is the author of "I'm His Mother,but He's Not My Son" (formerly titled "The Forbidden Love, GSA". In the paper back edition of Forbidden Love, there are a total of 20 books left in that form. "The Forbidden Love Genetic Sexual Attraction is $15.00 plus postage and handling. Postage varies in places. In the U.S. postage comes to $2.31 Austrailia Fast Slower $8.40 one week $4.05- 4 weeks New I'm His Mother, but, He's Not My Son" will now be available electronically for your convience. The price is $15.00 check made out to Barbara Gonyo 906 Ioka Mt. Prospect, IL 60056 Upon receiving the order you will be given instructions on how to obtain the book. I hope this will be helpful to all of you who were having trouble getting the book. Barb Gonyo

08-11-2006, 06:04 AM	#3
LULU Junior Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: England Posts: 3	Thanks Barb, I wanted to know if people thought that his keeping away from me but ringing me and telling me how much he missed me etc maybe he was feeling the same way as I do. I would like to tell him how I feel, even if he isn't feeling the same way, so we can work through it and just have a brother/sister relationship. You are right as I will never have my Dad he is really important to me as he is part of my Dad and this is why I think the feelings for my h/b are so strong also. I would like to tell him but I don't want to scare him off if he doesn't understand my feelings. We haven't crossed the line and hope we never do but the feelings on both are so intense when we are together, this is why I would like to integrate him more with my family and friends and we are not always alone. I just don't want to ruin the relationship for good but I feel I must ask for his help in getting through this as I can't speak to anyone else about it. __________________ Thanks Lulu

08-11-2006, 09:49 AM	#4
BarbGonyo Administrator Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 301	staying on course Hello Lulu, I think that incorporating him into your family life as a brother and being together with family at all times is the best idea at this time. Being alone will only make the feelings stronger and the temptation will grow. Thinking of him as a brother and acting like he is your brother might save your lifetime relationship with him. Thinking of him as part father that you will never get to know, or soul mate or possible lover whether or not he feels the same could be destructive. You have to decide what you want this to be. Brother Family Friend Lover These are important decisions. Think of each one separatly and think of what each one of these things would bring to your life and your current family and his. I know how hard this is but I also know it can get a lot harder if your decisions are not wise ones. Can you tell me where you are in an email? If you are in the U.K. there is support for your feelings at Post Adoption Centre as they know this issue quite well and have copies of my book. If you are in the states, let me know. Stay well, and don't despair because you can eventually work it out. It takes a long time because there are issues that lead to GSA and causes GSA that you need to work on other than wanting him to admit that he feels the same for you which opens doors of temptation even wider. That may be what you are looking for at this time but it isn't always the way to go. I'm not being judgemental as some may think. To me it is as if you came to me for sky diving lessons and I told you to jump but never told you to put on a parachute before you jump. In other words, don't make rash hurried decisions that you will pay for the rest of your life. You and your brother aren't the only people involved here as you both have families. I know losing him would make you feel as though you lost your father all over again so be careful of those feelings. Your brother can't be your everything as we all like to make our found person become. Your loss is great and you have to grieve for your father without making your brother the one who will take his place. God Bless, Barb G __________________ Barbara is the author of "I'm His Mother,but He's Not My Son" (formerly titled "The Forbidden Love, GSA". In the paper back edition of Forbidden Love, there are a total of 20 books left in that form. "The Forbidden Love Genetic Sexual Attraction is $15.00 plus postage and handling. Postage varies in places. In the U.S. postage comes to $2.31 Austrailia Fast Slower $8.40 one week $4.05- 4 weeks New I'm His Mother, but, He's Not My Son" will now be available electronically for your convience. The price is $15.00 check made out to Barbara Gonyo 906 Ioka Mt. Prospect, IL 60056 Upon receiving the order you will be given instructions on how to obtain the book. I hope this will be helpful to all of you who were having trouble getting the book. Barb Gonyo

08-13-2006, 05:35 AM	#6
LULU Junior Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: England Posts: 3	should i tell him? Thanks for your comments, it has helped. I desperatley want to keep him as a brother and I am trying to hide my true feelings but it is difficult as his openly affectionate on the phone and when we meet. The hardest part is not being able to speak to someone re: situation as I ususally share problems with close friends, I am sure they suspected something was not right in the begining as I couldn't stop talking about him but I try not to now. I will keep looking at this site for inspiration and help. __________________ Thanks Lulu

08-11-2006, 06:08 PM	#5
MamaR Member Join Date: May 2006 Posts: 55	Lulu, I am with Barb. Be really honest with yourself. What are you envisioning happening should you tell your brother about your feelings? Aren't you really hoping that his feelings for you might be the same? Are you picturing the two of you falling into each others arms in a romantic clinch? These GSA feelings are addictive, seductive and powerful. I know because I've been there and done that and lost my brother for many years because of it. I also lost my self-respect for a while there and that is no fun. My h/b and I are just now able to face each other openly, without shame, and have a sibling relationship that we should have had from the start. That was in 1968, so you see how many years were lost. Please think long and hard before you further complicate an already complicated situation. Give yourself a chance to work through your grief and other issues. Right now, your GSA feelings are just that...only feelings, and to put that on your brother is not fair to him, especially if he doesn't return those kinds of feelings. Reading and educating yourself about grief and GSA is a good start.

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