when there is kids involved, what to do?

2gether4ever · 08-12-2006, 01:27 AM

Hello there everyone, I just want to take a moment to say how grateful I am that there is a site that we can share, and to know we (my bro and I) are not the only ones. I want to say thank you. With that I will share my/our story and ask of you’re your opinion or advice, if you don’t mind?
Ok, so I am one of three children that were adopted at birth, our parents found and reunited us in 1999, shortly there after I met my younger sister, with now the years that have past we are not close per say, we live in different sates, but we keep in touch with weekly calls emails ect… it wasn’t until December of 2004 that I actually met my older brother, I had known of him and had spoke once on the phone for a quick moment, and then a few time over the internet. I had never really created a friendship or bond of any kind with him, my sister however, was able to travel and she would often come and visit, so I had actually physically met her,, and although we didnt create a “close” friendship we are great and love having and being sisters… then in July of 04 I moved to the state which she lived in hoping to create a closer family bond… well in Dec of 04 My bm and bs got together and plan a great Christmas getting my bb to come and we could meet for the first time. Well the plan was a surprise, I had no idea.. it turned out great he came and spent 8days with us,, so that Christmas was the first time in all our lives we (bm,bd,bs,bb and me) were together ever.. well because of my work schedule I was not able to spend a whole lot of time with all of them,, I had evenings, and one Friday off and the weekend,, so for those three days, the three of us spent awake and talking, learning and bonding per say. Well in those three days something clicked with me and my b we weren’t sure we just knew we didn’t ever want to be separated again. Well, because of him living in yet a different state, he had to go back home. I am here to say that we have talked every single day, whether it be on the phone or the computer or via snail mail, and texting. We of course realized we had fallen in love, we had shared so many stories, so many things in common, and so many intimate moments, as well as discussed how unhappy und incomplete we are in our marriages. Well with in the next two years our live took drastic turns. He divorced his wife after ten years, and I confused, and unsure,, did some research and of course found the GSA and well with my husband being understanding I told him all about this and I told him this is what has happened, and that I believed that I could actually get intimate with my brother, of course my husband suggested counseling and also told me that I was too strong to let these feeling take over me,, but he was wrong,, so well after many, hours, days, weeks and months we decided to separate and he would allow me to see if this is really where my heart is.. so. I moved in with my bb.. oohh all is so good,, yes we did cross the line. Truth is I have never felt so complete and so happy in my life. I can look back on my marriage and I cannot remember every being this happy. I truly am the happiest person in the world.. well its been 6months now and in this six months my husband has found his happiness, no not with another woman,, but he sees and feels now more than ever that we truly we distant and lived as roommates.. And so he fine, we are going to go ahead with a divorce. We are still able to talk, there is no bitterness or hatred for all that has happen. Ok so the gist, I ended a 16year marriage for the sake of my bb and our relationship, and I just couldn’t be happier,, the question and advice I need is….. The kids…. My kids three girls,, are living with me and my b. they have seen us together, they plainly see how happy I am and we are together, ooh heck they know we sleep in the same bed. But, they of course don’t know that we are living as “husband and wife” they don’t think of it any different as if they were to share a bed. However I have just been loosing sleep on whether or not I should tell them the truth, my oldest is fourteen and very inquisitive, so really I’m sure she has a clue,, but my ten year old,, probably not. So I guess my question would be, have any of you had children involved if so how was it handed and were they accepting or not? I would like to tell my kids, however I would not want this actual truth to get back to my ex, for I believe he would just be happier knowing my bb and I are nothing more than close. So by telling the kids I feel as if I am asking them to keep a deep dark secret for the rest of their lives. So really this is my dilemma, do I be totally truthful with them or just keep them thinking too, that nothing “sexual” is going on?

wejustfit

Leia · 08-12-2006, 10:11 AM

Personally, I would leave things as they are.
Mine are aware of my brother and I, they see we are not relating like a normal brother sister would..My/& His kids are similar ages,
If I came out with it, the whole truth...so that they knew sex was in the equation? that we live as much as possible as man and wife?
i think it would be a bit too much of a burden,
esp keeping it from their father..you cant have it ALL, as nice as that would be, i would rather mine just share the memories of how we are now, and as they mature and see things for how they are/were..that they will then have a different opinion..a more mature aspect, little kids 10 or so are not going to understand the full implications or reasoning behind any thing GSA..

If its not broken, dont try to fix it?

you are already ahead of many other couples that have worked it out ..well enough to be sure everyone is hurt as least as possible,

You've been fortuanate so far, i wouldn't risk it..

BarbGonyo · 08-12-2006, 11:14 AM

I always wonder why people think that they have to tell anyone anything. For one thing, it seems to me that it is obvious to everyone but the couple who think they are needing to tell someone, what is going on.

I've had people attend meetings who had just reunited and they can't take their eyes or hands off each other and they think that no one notices it.

If people are all living in the house together, how can it go unnoticed that you are sleeping in the same bed? Even a 10 year old knows this is different. Your future ex, may be trying to close his eyes to this as he may feel that he would have to remove the children and may not want to do this.

I see you have gotten one response from Leia. I hope others will share their experiences with you also. It is important that you hear the successful stories as well as the unsuccesfull ones.

I feel it would be a burden on the children for you to try to make them understand at this time unless they ask questions. Telling people our secrets are sometimes done only to get approval from others and/or to relieve our concsciences. This is not always the wisest thing to do.

Barb G

2gether4ever · 08-13-2006, 10:19 PM

I just want to thank you to the two of you that reply, i was hoping for more but your thoughts are the same as mine,... i too was thinking that it would just be too big of a bourdon for them to carry... supose the loss of sleep was knowing i wouldnt want them to have to carry that. I have since asked them if our unusaul closeness bothered them or if they at all felt uncomfortable, and the both said, no of course not. they both have have been invovled during the entire reuniteing and have just excepted us for being oddly close. so yes i will agree that things sometimes are just better left untouched. Anyway as i have done so far I will just follow my heart and my inner intuition. and basically, when they are ready or think otherwise,, they will come to me.

thank you very much,
2gether4ever

buttercup · 08-17-2006, 12:13 PM

It is truely a difficult one - particularly if you have an honest and open relationship with them. I was honest with mine - when I was struggling against my true feelings for my bb. I yo-yo'd back and forth for about 18 months between staying in my marriage and leaving - eventually I left. My kids are 23, 21, 20 and 18 - I thought they would be old enough to understand the whole picture. However not so ..... they have all read the GSA site here - and of course mostly the reports are negative, disasterous and heartbreaking. That is what they see and believe - and I have deserted them for my obsession - a love that is not real love an illness - but not an illness that one would feel sympathetic about or sorry for the victim - just a sick person really. One child has told me that I do not exist as far as she is concerned - two communicate with me occasionally - but mostly to chastise me and tell me that if I give up my relationship they will see me again and one doesn't communicate at all.

We are living together now - and I have never been happier in a relationship with a partner. I can't imagine that it will ever change. Interestingly his children all communicate with me when I see them or speak to them on the phone and he has emigrated away from them!

I don't have the answer - obviously. I have always believed that you have to follow your gut instincts - I did - and there are some very sad moments of missing the fantastic relationship that I used to have with all of my kids - I can only hope that in time they will come round. Who knows - alot of the problem is out of loyalty to their father and the lies and cheating I did for a year and a half and that is their reason for rejecting me - although they truely believe that I rejected them.

Good luck - I will say though that I do not regret leaving - I do regret lying to protect them (and possibly me) that certainly was not worth the anquish - but I don't believe the outcome would be any different with regard to our (my children and my) relationship.

B

08-12-2006, 01:27 AM	#1
2gether4ever Junior Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Posts: 4	when there is kids involved, what to do? Hello there everyone, I just want to take a moment to say how grateful I am that there is a site that we can share, and to know we (my bro and I) are not the only ones. I want to say thank you. With that I will share my/our story and ask of you’re your opinion or advice, if you don’t mind? Ok, so I am one of three children that were adopted at birth, our parents found and reunited us in 1999, shortly there after I met my younger sister, with now the years that have past we are not close per say, we live in different sates, but we keep in touch with weekly calls emails ect… it wasn’t until December of 2004 that I actually met my older brother, I had known of him and had spoke once on the phone for a quick moment, and then a few time over the internet. I had never really created a friendship or bond of any kind with him, my sister however, was able to travel and she would often come and visit, so I had actually physically met her,, and although we didnt create a “close” friendship we are great and love having and being sisters… then in July of 04 I moved to the state which she lived in hoping to create a closer family bond… well in Dec of 04 My bm and bs got together and plan a great Christmas getting my bb to come and we could meet for the first time. Well the plan was a surprise, I had no idea.. it turned out great he came and spent 8days with us,, so that Christmas was the first time in all our lives we (bm,bd,bs,bb and me) were together ever.. well because of my work schedule I was not able to spend a whole lot of time with all of them,, I had evenings, and one Friday off and the weekend,, so for those three days, the three of us spent awake and talking, learning and bonding per say. Well in those three days something clicked with me and my b we weren’t sure we just knew we didn’t ever want to be separated again. Well, because of him living in yet a different state, he had to go back home. I am here to say that we have talked every single day, whether it be on the phone or the computer or via snail mail, and texting. We of course realized we had fallen in love, we had shared so many stories, so many things in common, and so many intimate moments, as well as discussed how unhappy und incomplete we are in our marriages. Well with in the next two years our live took drastic turns. He divorced his wife after ten years, and I confused, and unsure,, did some research and of course found the GSA and well with my husband being understanding I told him all about this and I told him this is what has happened, and that I believed that I could actually get intimate with my brother, of course my husband suggested counseling and also told me that I was too strong to let these feeling take over me,, but he was wrong,, so well after many, hours, days, weeks and months we decided to separate and he would allow me to see if this is really where my heart is.. so. I moved in with my bb.. oohh all is so good,, yes we did cross the line. Truth is I have never felt so complete and so happy in my life. I can look back on my marriage and I cannot remember every being this happy. I truly am the happiest person in the world.. well its been 6months now and in this six months my husband has found his happiness, no not with another woman,, but he sees and feels now more than ever that we truly we distant and lived as roommates.. And so he fine, we are going to go ahead with a divorce. We are still able to talk, there is no bitterness or hatred for all that has happen. Ok so the gist, I ended a 16year marriage for the sake of my bb and our relationship, and I just couldn’t be happier,, the question and advice I need is….. The kids…. My kids three girls,, are living with me and my b. they have seen us together, they plainly see how happy I am and we are together, ooh heck they know we sleep in the same bed. But, they of course don’t know that we are living as “husband and wife” they don’t think of it any different as if they were to share a bed. However I have just been loosing sleep on whether or not I should tell them the truth, my oldest is fourteen and very inquisitive, so really I’m sure she has a clue,, but my ten year old,, probably not. So I guess my question would be, have any of you had children involved if so how was it handed and were they accepting or not? I would like to tell my kids, however I would not want this actual truth to get back to my ex, for I believe he would just be happier knowing my bb and I are nothing more than close. So by telling the kids I feel as if I am asking them to keep a deep dark secret for the rest of their lives. So really this is my dilemma, do I be totally truthful with them or just keep them thinking too, that nothing “sexual” is going on? wejustfit

08-12-2006, 11:14 AM	#3
BarbGonyo Administrator Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 301	tell the kids? I always wonder why people think that they have to tell anyone anything. For one thing, it seems to me that it is obvious to everyone but the couple who think they are needing to tell someone, what is going on. I've had people attend meetings who had just reunited and they can't take their eyes or hands off each other and they think that no one notices it. If people are all living in the house together, how can it go unnoticed that you are sleeping in the same bed? Even a 10 year old knows this is different. Your future ex, may be trying to close his eyes to this as he may feel that he would have to remove the children and may not want to do this. I see you have gotten one response from Leia. I hope others will share their experiences with you also. It is important that you hear the successful stories as well as the unsuccesfull ones. I feel it would be a burden on the children for you to try to make them understand at this time unless they ask questions. Telling people our secrets are sometimes done only to get approval from others and/or to relieve our concsciences. This is not always the wisest thing to do. Barb G __________________ Barbara is the author of "I'm His Mother,but He's Not My Son" (formerly titled "The Forbidden Love, GSA". In the paper back edition of Forbidden Love, there are a total of 20 books left in that form. "The Forbidden Love Genetic Sexual Attraction is $15.00 plus postage and handling. Postage varies in places. In the U.S. postage comes to $2.31 Austrailia Fast Slower $8.40 one week $4.05- 4 weeks New I'm His Mother, but, He's Not My Son" will now be available electronically for your convience. The price is $15.00 check made out to Barbara Gonyo 906 Ioka Mt. Prospect, IL 60056 Upon receiving the order you will be given instructions on how to obtain the book. I hope this will be helpful to all of you who were having trouble getting the book. Barb Gonyo

08-17-2006, 12:13 PM	#5
buttercup Junior Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 4	Knowledge It is truely a difficult one - particularly if you have an honest and open relationship with them. I was honest with mine - when I was struggling against my true feelings for my bb. I yo-yo'd back and forth for about 18 months between staying in my marriage and leaving - eventually I left. My kids are 23, 21, 20 and 18 - I thought they would be old enough to understand the whole picture. However not so ..... they have all read the GSA site here - and of course mostly the reports are negative, disasterous and heartbreaking. That is what they see and believe - and I have deserted them for my obsession - a love that is not real love an illness - but not an illness that one would feel sympathetic about or sorry for the victim - just a sick person really. One child has told me that I do not exist as far as she is concerned - two communicate with me occasionally - but mostly to chastise me and tell me that if I give up my relationship they will see me again and one doesn't communicate at all. We are living together now - and I have never been happier in a relationship with a partner. I can't imagine that it will ever change. Interestingly his children all communicate with me when I see them or speak to them on the phone and he has emigrated away from them! I don't have the answer - obviously. I have always believed that you have to follow your gut instincts - I did - and there are some very sad moments of missing the fantastic relationship that I used to have with all of my kids - I can only hope that in time they will come round. Who knows - alot of the problem is out of loyalty to their father and the lies and cheating I did for a year and a half and that is their reason for rejecting me - although they truely believe that I rejected them. Good luck - I will say though that I do not regret leaving - I do regret lying to protect them (and possibly me) that certainly was not worth the anquish - but I don't believe the outcome would be any different with regard to our (my children and my) relationship. B

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08-12-2006, 10:11 AM	#2
Leia Member Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: UK Posts: 43	Personally, I would leave things as they are. Mine are aware of my brother and I, they see we are not relating like a normal brother sister would..My/& His kids are similar ages, If I came out with it, the whole truth...so that they knew sex was in the equation? that we live as much as possible as man and wife? i think it would be a bit too much of a burden, esp keeping it from their father..you cant have it ALL, as nice as that would be, i would rather mine just share the memories of how we are now, and as they mature and see things for how they are/were..that they will then have a different opinion..a more mature aspect, little kids 10 or so are not going to understand the full implications or reasoning behind any thing GSA.. If its not broken, dont try to fix it? you are already ahead of many other couples that have worked it out ..well enough to be sure everyone is hurt as least as possible, You've been fortuanate so far, i wouldn't risk it..

08-13-2006, 10:19 PM	#4
2gether4ever Junior Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Posts: 4	I just want to thank you to the two of you that reply, i was hoping for more but your thoughts are the same as mine,... i too was thinking that it would just be too big of a bourdon for them to carry... supose the loss of sleep was knowing i wouldnt want them to have to carry that. I have since asked them if our unusaul closeness bothered them or if they at all felt uncomfortable, and the both said, no of course not. they both have have been invovled during the entire reuniteing and have just excepted us for being oddly close. so yes i will agree that things sometimes are just better left untouched. Anyway as i have done so far I will just follow my heart and my inner intuition. and basically, when they are ready or think otherwise,, they will come to me. thank you very much, 2gether4ever