Wife of GSA

[serenity]

Hello all, I am new to this site and hope to find some answers and some comfort! As I said in my title, I am the wife of a GSA. My husband had sexual relations with his sister of same parents, quite a long time ago, decades in fact. She instigated and he unfortunately didn't say no. I read on another post that GSA may not be the technical term for it, but I'll use it for lack of another.

Although we have all been in therapy, we are all still trying to get a better handle on our relationships. In truth, my husband and I are. Although as I said that we've all been in therapy, his sister seems to want to keep things at a certain level, which is impossible and once upon a time almost drove me mad-literally.

They have not "been" together since then, nor does my husband want to. I'm not entirely sure that she doesn't want to. She claims she doesn't, yet her actions show an entirely different picture. To put it simply, it feels at times as though I am the other woman in their relationship. One doesn't always necessarily have to go through the bodily motions of having sex, to feel as if one has. Part of it is sadly because of their extremely confused and terrorizing father and his "ideas" that a brother is obligated to take care of his sister for life.(Maybe this is why he couldn't say no, most likely.) I don't have a brother, I have two sisters, so I completely do not understand this at all. I mean, how are we who don't have brothers supposed to get through life?! Rediculous! Forgive me for those of you who do, I don't mean any offense.

She has tried her utmost best to separate us on a number of occassions. I frankly would be pleased to have her out of our lives entirely. My hubby now sees her "ways" with clear eyes, yet its still hard (old habits die hard)for him when she calls out for help, much in the fashion of Peter and the Wolf...He sees afterwards, not beforehand and that's when all the trouble starts...Too much to go into at one go...

Is there anyone out there who can give me some advice?
One of the biggest factors of her behaviors towards me is because of her relationship with her brother. The other is because I am allowed by law and religion to be with him and she isn't. His father, a widower, married my mother, a divorcee. Years later, we married. We did not grow up together. I'm sure that someone is going to call this some type of GSA on both our parts. As far as I am concerned, I never wanted to have any other siblings other my own sisters. I believe that I should probably thank God that I haven't a brother? Sometimes I do. Sometimes I don't know. I never once considered my husband my sibling.

Things are quiet for the moment, but I can intuitively sense that she's going to find a way of landing something or another on our doorstep. Just a little note...She was in therapy much longer than either he or I and in the end was kicked out, which says a lot in itself.

Thanks for listening. Thanks for being able to speak about all of this.

Peace and healing,
Serenity

[BarbGonyo]

Welcome Serenity,

It doesn't sound as though you have too much serenity going on in your life.

I'm sure most people who read your post will have understanding for what your husband and his sister are feeling, so I'm pleased that you wrote to put in your feelings as to where it affects you.

One thing I'd like to comment on is that you said not once did you feel that your husband was your brother. Since you were not really blood relatives due to the fact that your parents married each other with both of you not being together in a brotherly sisterly life, brought to my mind how similiar it is to your husband and his sister who is his blood but they were also not raised together and do not have to taboo of siblings.

Does this make sense to you?

I know you are asking what you can do to change all of this, and my answer is that you are really powerless and it will be up to you husband to be the one who has to make the commitment to his marriage to change what is going on with a sister who needs to be rescued and he has been raised to be a rescuer.

I don't know if this will be helpful to you or not and I'm sure you will get other responses also giving you different feelings on this subject

. I hope when our GSA survey is ready to post that both you and your husband will be willing to participate.

Thank you again for letting us know your side.

Barb G

[serenity]

Not much serenity in my life heh? I suppose you are correct having read this, their story, our story, although since everything is a mindset, I have been changing my own mindset, creating my own new reality if you will. At times I am very serene, at others, well life is a roller coaster ride. The use of the word helps keep me centered.

First of all I would like to thank you for responding. I appreciate all responses. I know that there may be some that I may not like too much, but know that those are usually the most thought provoking and most helpful.

My husband and his sister wereraised together,not separate, just to set the record straight. To see her as a rescuer is rather difficult for me, from my point of view as she has made several attacks both public and private on me and our children, our marriage. I would like to listen, to learn your point of view on how you see her as a rescuer. To be honest, she is lacking in boundaries in general, in all areas. I know that it sounds as if I am against her, believe me I have tried to have a working relationship with her, she does not want one.

I know that you are correct, that it is up to my husband to act upon the situation-which is more a situation of aftermath. I believe that if I learn about GSA and come to as much an understanding as possible about it, to learn about my reactions towards it, in the effort to pro-react, then I will then be in a position to help him to change, if in no other way than feeling secure, peace and serene within myself. I feel that maybe there could be skills involved, that I could learn, or signs to recognize which would help me see when situations arise or are triggered when reunions occur, which could gain us some calm. We don't live near his sister anymore. This has helped out of course.

Peace and harmony,

Serenity

[rollingrocker1972]

I suspect that your sister in law was sexually abused as a child or young adult, probably by someone in her family. This would explain why she lacked the normal aversion to having sex with her brother, and why she lacks boundaries in general as you have described. If she is interested in resuming an intimate relationship with her brother, it is not an interest that comes from that part of her that is not dysfunctional. She is suffering from the abuse she endured and a pathological desire to be intimate with her brother is a part of that. Had she never been abused, none of this ever would have happened and the three of you would have a normal relationship with one another.

It is kind of interesting that your husband's father married your mother, but this says nothing about your relationship with one another. When your parents married, they were defining THEIR relationship to one another, not your relationship to the man who is now your husband. I get the feeling that all of you were grown when your parents did this, making your status as step-siblings a technicality rather than an emotional and relational reality.

Even if you had grown up together, you would still not be related. Step-siblings are not relatives, they are room-mates.

[serenity]

Hi rollingrocker, thank you for your response, where you pose a very good point which may just be valid. It is certain that my sister-in-law is in need of healing and positive thoughts. I know that in her confusion, not only was she possibly abused sexually, but that she also abused sex herself, she considered these feats of accomplishment and made them no secret. A bit of narcissism and the Electra Complex I gather is involved.

Interesting about our parent's marriage? Well, it would be a bit of an understatement, but could fit as a descriptive...My siblings and I were in our mid to late teens, My husband and his siblings were in their 20's, two different continents. Much too late in time for most of us to consider the other group siblings. Ah...But, when my hubby asked for my hand in marriage his father went ballistic claiming we were siblings and went to the lengths of visiting three different parishes who all told him of course how rediculous his accusations were, especially considering the fact that my hubby's mom was known by them. A main reason most likely being to cover up in some way or another his guilt over the way he and my mom carried on-make believe there was no separate past, therefore no pain. This is just to prove my point that some of his nuclear family's ideas are extremely off to say the least.

Thanks for your time.

Peace,

Serenity

[reunitedbutconfused]

If your husband had had an affair & you found out you could demand quite reasonably that he no longer had any contact with this other women. Of course the fact that it is his sister makes it difficult to do this but she does sound very destructive. I think living further away from her will obviously help but could you & your husband find some boundaries that you are both happy with? If his h/s knew what these were & knew she had to comply with them in order to maintain a relationship with your husband her h/b then wouldn't this make it easier for you to deal with.
I think you sound very serene & have coped with this really well- not many women would have put up with this!
I have GSA with my h/b but it is under control as we are both married (my husband knows his wife doesn't).
My husband said the other day "there are 3 of us in this marriage" ( for you americans this is a famous line that Diana said about Charles & Camilla!) I think you have the same problem!
Good luck & stay serene xx

[serenity]

Hi reunitedbutconfused,

You are quite right in saying that she was the third person in our marriage. I don't mean to sound cliche, but there it is. It doesn't have to always have to come down to the actual affair itself as I have said. The distance has done wonders for us. Now, whether she likes it or not, there are boundaries. She is a person who does not understand the concept of boundaries in any sense of the word. This is why she finds "open" territory at reunion times, its almost as if its open warfare and one must expect anything and everything from her. No, no other woman would have stood for it. To have left my hubby would have meant to give in to her tantrums, or psychosis and she would have won. I was not about to leave my hubby to placate her needs.

I 'll give a short example of her. She chose to marry at the age of 25, a man who was 27 years her elder because she thought he was wealthy. He had already had one open heart surgery and was an alcoholic to boot. He told her he would not marry her unless, on the off chance that she got pregnant as he had already been married 4 other times and none of those wives gave him a child. She immediately set out to get pregnant by visiting birth specialists. Long story short, she gives birth to a child whom she did not take care of. They married. This child was raised by a live-in nanny and when the nanny had her time off, she would "conviently" and literally dump this child off at my house for me to take care of. It made no difference if I was at work or out of the house for any other reason, I would return home to find her there. She decided once that she couldn't deal with her and got up and went to visit a friend on an island quite far away-I don't live in the U.S. Her husband couldn't feed the baby who was then 6 months and being breast fed by its mother. Could you turn away a 6 month old baby? I could not-she knew damn well how things would go down and planned on it. Having one child did not amount to the equality of motherhood for her so she decided that after the husband had a second open heart surgery, that it was time to have number two. The children have an 8 year difference. The older daughter would now have a toy to play with. Since she had her second child, a son, and obviously got what she wanted out of this man, she divorced him while he was dying. She came over one day and pronounced that it would be my hubby's job to step in and "play" daddy. The husband eventually died alone in hospital, he was not wealthy, so he left her no money. She expected my hubby to take over. My hubby told her that she needed to find a new scenario and very quickly, to get help and get a grip on herself. She left in a rage.

To her I have always been the other woman in "her" relationship with her brother. A means for which he found to produce his offspring, as she did with her husband. Although my husband did set certain rules and boundaries down, he was still blinded as to how evil she really is, until this Easter when she blatantly and flat out lied to him, using and taking advantage of both her children in the process. He sees now that there can be no contact whatsoever, although practicing this can be a whole new ballgame.

This is only the tiniest of examples. This is what she wanted and planned on from the age of 12-13? She herself has said as much and people who know her since then can verify her having said this as well. I believe that she had sex with him then, so that she could give him such horrendous guilt in order for her to pull him along by the nose in any way she chose. She sees that her plan has fallen through and it displeases her immensly. Sick? Yes, but then as I said in another post, she was in a therapy and was asked to leave. This to me says it all. I have begun looking past the sexual encounter of decades ago, it cannot constitute for all her wickedness and selfishness.

Thanks for listening, it is not easy to discuss openly their old encounter which has had such a devasting affect on my husband and our family, with those around me, too many people would not understand and be only judgemental and critical, instead of offering genuine advice or simply loan their ear.

God bless,

Serenity

[5Kmom]

Wow! I think, if nothing else, it probably does you good just to share some of the information you need to get off your chest. That seems like a lot to keep inside. In your therapy sessions, are you able to work through some of those feelings?

You have an enormous capacity for love and a sense of loyalty to your husband - which says a lot about your spirit. My husband has (like you) been a phenomenal strength for me as I struggled through the feelings and devastation of a GSA relationship. If it is any help to know that, his loyalty kept me putting one foot in front of the other as I walked through the debris of consequences from my actions.

I have (finally) arrived on the other side - and can once again see life more clearly. I hope that your husband also can make it through and that the two of you will be able to enjoy that serenity you seek in your relationship.

Best regards!

[BarbGonyo]

I'm just checking my morning mail and see that you have received some responses to your posts. It made me proud to be putting this website out there so you can write and get some understanding and support.
I'm also proud of those who have answered you and shared their thoughts with your very difficult situation.

I suspect that one writer may be correct in the fact that your husbands sister is either a victim of sexual abuse as a child or is one of those people who uses sex to get her way.

It is very sad to admit to most of us that some people will be in our lives and extremely toxic. We are bound up by guilt, lack of love, lack of self esteem and build relationships with others with all those built in flaws.

But just as if we would find out that we may be ingesting poison in to our systems and it is killing us, the only solution is to no longer take the poison that is killing us.

Easier said then done when we are bound up with loyalty,family tradition and family dysfuntions.

I feel that you are a strong woman and your husband is strong also but needs to really let go of his relationship with his sister as it will continue to bring him more grief and cause him to lose much more than a sister, who is obviously very needy and minipulative no matter what caused it.


I hope you will stay strong and your husband will stay strong and eventually she will change her ways or move on from a relationship that needs to be left alone. It seems that you are taking all the right steps to accomplish this.

Thank you for sharing your story and letting so many see what you are all going through.

Barb G

[serenity]

Hello all and thank you for your time and resonses, I appreciate it.

To make a long story short, I happened to learn from an extremely reliable source, a professinonal, whom I my husband and I trust, that his sister has been diagnosed a narcissist psychopath. I knew that there was no way that all of her malice could possibly come from GSA. I know and realise that GSA must be very difficult and my heart goes out to all who are in pain and suffering and wish healing for all involved, but she is the devil in desguise. Love begats love in my opinion and she doesn't know how to love. I forgive her because I know she is not well; this does not go to say that relations can be kept up between our families, but it does mean I have peace in my heart and am able to honestly wish healing for her.

The lord works in mysterious ways. Old lies and her disgusting behavior have been made known to us by others whom she has deeply hurt and my husband had no choice but to see her for what she is. The truth always has a way of rising to the top and cannot be kept secret forever. A person who has suffered from narcissistic behavior from a relative of his own and who has cut contact with that relative said this to us:" It was as if I was serving duty on the front line in my own home without being at war." It precisely describes what our situation was like. No more. My husband has turned a new leaf, no more dealings with her. Our issues went past GSA and then some. No one should have to be subject it. I thank God for this new opportunity in our relationship, my husband and I have been given the gift of new beginnings. I wish the same for everyone.

Thank you for lending your ears, your thoughts, your kindness,

Serenity