Is it worth this much pain?

[AmyandTim]

My story: I am a woman, in my mid-thirties and I have a half-brother from my father's first wife. I had only met him once or twice as a child, but hardly any time was spent and the memory is foggy. Our father abandoned us as babies.

When I was in my early twenties, in the Springtime, I looked my half-brother up in the phone book and called him out of the blue. We had always known pretty much known what town the other lived in, but growing up with different mothers and living our own separate lives, just got in the way of reaching out to each other.

When I called, He answered, and when I said, "Do you know who this is?", he knew it was me immediately. I don't know how.

We got together and had a great connection...we had so much to talk about and catch up on,and he had just had his first child, but yet was very unhappy in his relationship.

We spent months talking on the phone everyday and once Summer arrived we'd go swimming together and hang out almost everyday. We even had a habit of getting into little wrestling matches. It just seemed like fun...but we look back now and realize it was lots of flirtation and attraction going on back in the early days.

After we'd been getting to know each other for 7 months, we kissed...the most amazing kiss ever...it took so long to happen, and felt so right. Neither of us thought this through before it happened, but once we made love, we were more inseparable than ever.

We tried several times to do the 'right thing' and stop crossing the line...but we never could. After a while, we even joked about having a 'revelation' every time one of us decided to stop this relationship and then within a day or two we'd be back in each other's arms. We just did not want to be apart.

I'd love to say that we had a happy ending, but 3 years of confusion and turmoil followed. Although we both fell in love HARD, for the first time in our lives, the moments in love were frequently interspersed with painful absences which occurred whenever the stress of hiding and the ambivalence about committing to this TABU caused us to argue. We both reacted to the stress and pain of "hiding all the time" in different ways, so when one of us was feeling fearful or ambivalent, the other would feel rejected. It was truly a vicious cycle.

After 3 years of coming very close to making a final commitment, we parted, with no communication, for one very long, very sad year.
He ended up in another relationship after a couple of years...but not a happy one. It's one that he wants to end now actually, but stays for the sake of his daughter, who is a toddler.

After our terrible break-up, I ended up in several dead end relationships and even though I tried not to, I compared everyone to him.

I really feel that the time we spent together, feeling a love and chemistry that seems impossible with any other, truly ruined us for other people.

After almost 15 years now, there is still an insatiable desire to be together. The love I feel emanating from him is like a cloud...like an envelope of warmth...something so solid and permanent.

Over the years we've always been in touch. We tried to have a relationship for a 2nd time also...about 3 years after our 1st break-up and it didn't work out then either...only lasted a couple of months. Then over the years, after the second official try, we'd actually just 'steal time' with each other, and we were usually cheating on our girlfriends/boyfriends at the time.
Neither of us have ever married. We're both in our mid-thirties now.

So, the longest we went with no physical contact and very
infrequent phone contact was the past five years....and as of this January, we fell back in again.

We are much more mature now then when we were kids, so the communication is better but it's just so confusing when he has children involved now and there are all the same pressures of the 'tabu'.

The thing is, all of his friends and the mothers of his children know about us and the fact that we were in love. And his friends know that we've seen each other many times since this year.

It seems that both of us want to try again...there is SO much history between us, and yet, there is so much to be fearful of. We both sincerely love each other and we feel so close, but there is always this 'WALL' up that stops us from taking the leap.

Right now, the biggest issue is his living situation with his child and the child's mother. It's a very stressfully situation for him and I don't really see any drastic changes happening anytime soon.

I long for him when we can't be together...and I question myself - Would I be over this relationship by now if I had met another man who could fulfill me?

Or, alternatively, did I NOT meet a fulfilling man because these feelings for my half-brother have never truly left my heart, even though I've stuffed them down or blocked them out many times in order to get through the long periods of not seeing each other.

I've been able to write all this out in a rational manner, but I have to say, there is NOTHING rational about the emotional roller coaster ride I've been on for 15 years.

This love has caused me to feel the greatest ecstasy and the greatest grief imaginable. Anytime I've had to 'recover' from my love for him and move forward, or at least make feeble attempts towards society's expectations of "normalcy", I've suffered a terrible mourning for him...so deep, the pain has been running through my veins...it was like starving to death.

What really drives me nuts, is this: WE ARE NOT weirdos or perverts...Period. End of story. We were raised separately by different mothers and this is something that happened to us...we did not seek it out.

The father who abandoned us has never been in our lives, and so, it's as if a 'ghost' connects us. We have fantasized continuously about HOW different and how much better our lives would have been if we WERE NOT related...We do not want this turmoil...We fantasize about running away and knowing that we never will.

So, I guess I have a hard time accepting that we are attracted to each other simply BECAUSE of the blood connection itself. Yes, I believe that the blood connection could cause a special feeling of permanence, but I look at him like A MAN...not my brother...A man I love, a man I have enormous chemistry with, a man who has eyes I could stare into forever...a man I feel I've known forever.

If it hasn't worn off after 15 years, HOW can it be some syndrome?

I RESPECT, with all my heart, anyone who feels that it IS a syndrome and if it makes sense to that person to 'recover' somehow and get on with life, then I support and commend whatever it is they need to do in order to find happiness.

But if the majority of these cases occur when people have been raised separately from each other, then how can we be freaks? We are just women and men meeting one another, and until that moment knowing NOTHING (usually) about the other. There is no sibling/familial relationship formed...we didn't see each other running around naked as kids...we didn't have the usual sibling rivalry or feelings of being 'grossed out' by each other.

If it is SO common, 50% or more, to have these feelings for one another, following a life long separation, then maybe it's all comes down to two choices: Bite the bullet, tell society to screw and follow your heart, or accept that this alternative lifestyle is not for you and move on.

I have not been able to follow my own advice, actually, but I know it's a decision I've got to face....again.

...and yes, in the beginning, it's exciting to get to know someone that you feel an instant connection with...it's so unbelievably rare and beautiful...but once the reality of it all sets in, it can be so terribly sad, lonely, isolating, fleeting, and now, still so painful...

But it's not the beginning anymore...it's been 15 years...this can't be blamed on hormones, or chemistry, or infatuation, or a syndrome...After all we've been through, I still love him.

And Here I am again...is this what we're meant to do? To try again?
Or are we kidding ourselves?

...and so, I ask myself...is this true LOVE?...is love and pain the same?

What are your insights?

Thanks for reading all of this and thanks for letting me vent.

[BarbGonyo]

Amy and Tim,

After reading your post, my feelings of sadness hang over my head to know that another couple who were not aware of how difficult this could be is out there looking for a solution.

It also angers me that education on this subject is taking so long. I've been writing and talking about this for almost 30 years and there is still no deep education on this subject.

We have titles such as Genetic Sexual Attraction that does nothing more than give some reason to find no solutions but to say that this is an incorrect title, which I agree with but use ( I did not coin the phrase as I have said millions of times but no one ever seems to believe me so I just gave up and use it. because it is what people search for on the computer to find us).

I hear the titles such as syndrome and an illness only to shake my head and say who says so? Not me.

We are dealing with real issues and feelings here not titles. We are part of disfunctional families (another title) who couldn't stay together and later filled this desparte strong need to connect with blood relatives who were absent in our lives and we deeply felt the loss.

This absent of parent or sibling or just a blood relative, leaves us with a huge hole in our heart. If it is a father such as in your case and brothers, when you meet a relative as the same sex as the person you missed in your life, he not only becomes your brother but he takes the place of your missing father and becomes the love of your life that you missed as a child.

It can even be a same sex relative that fills that missing piece of your life. The feelings are so intense it takes all of everything in you. Your emotions, your sexual being, the inner child, etc. This person becomes the most important thing in your life and everyone else loses the importance in your life to give you time to catch up to what you have been lacking.

In reunions of any kind we need guidnce on what can and does happen to perpare. That isn't even enough. We need guidlines. We need structure. We need to deal with the issues of loss that we don't realize we have when this missing person is back in our lives. If we don't do this we jump into a passionate, love filled, pain filled existence in fear of losing this person again.

I'm sorry I got on my soap box but I feel so helpless in preventing these pain filled relationships no matter how many emails or posts or books I may write.

The emails and posts are read but I don't know how they are digested. The book is read but doesn't have the distribution it needs to get out there due to my own lack of doing so. The therapists only get interested when a case hits the news of someone who is jailed for incest in a GSA case.

But I won't give up. I'm hoping the GSA survey, when we get it ready to post, will get the attention to those who read this site and everyone will participate so as to not only help themselves but all the others who came before them and after them.

I thank you for your post and ask you one question. What would you do differently if you met your brother now knowing what has happened to both of you and your families.

I hope you will keep in touch.

Barb G

[AmyandTim]

Dear Barb,

Thanks for your thoughtful reply.
I have actually not read your book or know your story, but I intend to.

I AGREE...I still may have had deep abandonment issues regarding my father, when I met my half-brother. I feel like I've resolved most of that in my heart.

I really feel like I'm with a MAN that I love, not my half-brother, when I'm with him. I really want to believe that he's not some surrogate for the man who left me...my father.

I'm open to the possibility though...I certainly don't want to be in denial...but how does one truly get to the root of that issue?

Couldn't I choose ANY man to be the "stand in" for my father, and work out all my deeply ingrained issues with him? Isn't that just as unhealthy?

I truly believe that my half-brother loves me...I've never believed that with any other man.

At the same time, there are some immaturity issues with him that make me worry he may never commit to a 'real' adult relationship with me...and that's what it would take in order for us to face this storm together.

So, I have the usual issues women have with men...along with this other looming 'tabu'.

I'm SO tired of it...you have no idea!

More than HALF of my adult life, literally ALL of my "relationship years" have been caught up somehow with him and our 'situation'.

I've read several "success stories" online...about half-siblings meeting and blowing all caution to the wind and spending very happy lives together.

I am so envious of them. Of course, if given a choice, in another life, my half-brother would have been my high school sweetheart and we'd now be married.

I've thought MANY times about what I would do if I could turn back time.

...And I'm sure of one thing...I'd pick up the phone, on that same Spring day when I was in my early twenties, and call him. I don't see how I couldn't.

Some might say, "Well, if you could go back in time, why wouldn't you save yourself all this pain, and just be friends with him...just be platonic?"

That would be like asking me to live in this world and not look at the sky or breathe the air.

Thanks for your support...I'm going to read all I can...This whole scenario has become such a deep part of who I am, that I don't know if I can ever be normal and I don't know if I want to be...but I do want to be happy and I do want a healthy relationship with a man...I don't know what to do.

As far as the title is concerned..I have no resentment towards it...As you've said, if it WERE NOT for the title, we'd all have nothing to GOOGLE in order to find this MUCH needed website!

I think it's just that I consider myself to be a person of high self-esteem.
I'm ambitious, and definitely a 'thinker'. I care about the world, about people, about animals, and I have a deep reverence for life of every kind. Most people are really shocked that I'm not in a relationship (that they know of), and they think I'm pretty cute too!

So, it's really hard for me to see myself as a pervert or an outcast or someone that has to be reformed...and that's what labels do, right?

In addition, who are we to decide who should "couple" with whom?

So, you've spent 30 years researching this??!! Wow!

Thank YOU for your life's work...My heart goes out to you with more gratitude than you can possibly know.

Please don't be sad...in the end, I truly believe we will all end up on the SAME path together, all of us, regardless of our choices...we're all connected, as souls, as energies, and to me, that's the only relationship that really matters.

I look forward to hearing more of your thoughts.
Talk soon ~~~ Amy

[reunitedbutconfused]

Hi AmyandTim- I can really empathize with the torment of your story. It is so sad it seems like you can't live with each other yet can't live without each other. I am very new to GSA as have only met my h/b 4 years ago. No GSA feelings at all until we travelled to the other side of the world together to meet our dead father's family.Nearly 2 weeks alone together & GSa paid a call! We are both married & have both been with our partners since late teens (20 years now) so as you can imagine it has caused us tremendous upset. I found this site & was hoping to discover that the feelings I was experiencing was just a quick "5 minute crush" that I would see sense & get over it. What I have discovered however on this site is that GSA can play a major part in our lives & wreak havoc with our emotions as we are all vulnerable because of our (usually) sad family breakups & upbringings without these siblings/parents/cousins/whoever.
I now think there is something stronger than pure love/lust causing the GSA- it feels like a gravitational pull that we are unable to ignore. I went off to meet my h/b last week for the 1st time in 2 months feeling strong as I was armed with knowledge of the GSA- the moment I set eyes on h/b I felt like I was being stabbed through the heart & my legs turned to jelly. We are able to talk about this sensibly & I wonder if we will have to stop seeing each other to conquer the GSA & just communicate via email - how sad would that be! I understand the "mirroring" attraction & my h/b is very similar to me in personality but not in looks-are you & Tim similar?

[AmyandTim]

Just so you know...I sent you two private messages.

Have a great night!

[clyde-bonnie]

Bonnie and I met when I was 17 and she was 14. We spent one afternoon and evening together. And yes we crossed the line. When I was 22 and coming home from the military I learned that she would be in California waiting for me. Frankly, the idea scared me. I felt guilty about "taking advantage" of her a few years earlier. We hit it off from the start and in no time our relationship was sexual. She went back east to be with her mother when she gave birth to our daughter.
I went back to so I could be there, but her mom wouldn't let me see her. After almost a year, our father and my mother got me to go back to California. Her mom didn't like me but seemed willing to put up with me.
Fast forward 22 years.
I went back to see her exactly 5 weeks ago today. We spent 2 1/2 days together. I am divorced 1 year. She is starting hers soon. Our relationship caused neither divorce. My daughter here has met her, and has no problem with our relationship. Our daughter there knows and thinks we are disgusting, especially me. Due to the guidance I received from my parents, I now need to try to build a relationship with an abandoned daughter, so my daughter and I are moving back there. We will have to see what her other two daughters think. After we see how that works out, Bonnie and I will be moving again to start fresh in a new state. Everyone back east will see our relationship start up again, 'oh no, there they go again.' We are too old now to care what they think. 22 years later we are still a couple. Only our kids will matter. All others who can accept us are welcome to visit. The others can stay away.

Finally to your question; 'Is it worth this much pain?'

Who's pain?
Is the pain that you cause others by being together really so much worse then the pain you would suffer yourselves by being apart?

My attitude is that the people (adults) that would crush my heart to spare themselves embarrassment at family functions, or just because they find us distasteful, are being too selfish to be worthy of my concern.
(Bonnie and I will not attend each others family reunions anyway.)
Our close families can accept us or take a flying leap. They sent me 2000 miles away. I should care what they think now?

My Bonnie is my life. To give up one is to lose the other.