Emotional affair with half brother - please help!

blueeyes77 · 08-08-2007, 05:39 AM

Hi,

I'm new here and so very glad I found this forum! My story is similar to many that I've now read here. I'd like to share my story and ask for any advice.

I met my half brother two months ago, after he was adopted out from birth (45 years ago by my dad and his ex-wife). He lives overseas and booked a flight within hours of our first phone call. Our connection/bond was instant. We spoke everyday on the phone and skype leading up to his arrival. When he arrived, we quickly realised that our connection was a million times stronger in person.

I am married with 3 children and he is divorced with 2 children - plus (this is where it gets confusing) he is homosexual....although technically I guess he is bi-sexual since he was once married. The family's reaction to the way we connected wasn't good. They did not like our cuddling and holding of hands, but it was something that we both couldn't not do! It was hard being in a room with him and not 'glued at the hip' to him!

After his 3 week visit, my world crashed. I felt like my heart was ripped out at the airport. We practically had to be physically separated so he could board the plane. Then it got worse.....my husband wanted to leave me. My dad, my mum, uncle, grandma, friends.....EVERYONE.....wanted to comment about how wrong I was 'to be all over my half brother' and neglect my husband. I didn't feel like I'd neglected my husband, infact I felt like he pulled away before my h/b even arrived here. But I do now realise I was (am) having an emotional affair with my h/b. My husband and I are now fine though and have worked through the roughest patch ever of our marriage. I am very wary of speaking too much about my h/b though and don't admit to how often we talk on skype.

2 weeks ago I booked my flight to go overseas to him at the end of this year, with my husband's support (no support from family though - they are still very mad!). My husband agrees it is something I must do to understand my h/b more, see where he grew up, meet his adopted family and to meet my nieces. I've since done a lot of thinking though and realise I'm possibly playing with fire going over there alone because of our intense feelings for one another. We have recently discussed 'the boundary line' and whether we would cross it. I straight out said "of course we wouldn't because you are homosexual".......his response was "what if I told you that I wasn't?" I really don't believe I am sexually attracted to him, but when the emotional bond is sooooooooooooo unbelievably strong I could potentially see how easily it can esculate into more than just cuddling. Oh I'm so confused!

I love my husband and children more than anything in this world.....but I love my h/b immensely too and I just want to be close to him.

Any advice on how I should handle things and keep everything in perspective would be greatly appreciated.

Blueeyes77

sparrowsong · 08-10-2007, 09:53 AM

Hi,

I'm in a similar situation with my 1st cousin that I met last summer. We talked about it and decided that we need guidlines when we get together. Such as, no hand holding, no kissing on the lips, no sitting with body contact, no back rubs. AQll of which seems so natural to us. It's just too tempting to take "innocent touching" too far when you have that kind of connection with someone. My cousin has visited with me twice since we met up a year ago (lives 2000 miles away) and I have my first trip out to see him coming up in September. After I met my cousin my husband and I separated, partly because it was coming anyway, and partly because I was so overwhelmed with emotion for my cousin I didn't have any left over for my husband. Since then we've worked on our marriage, but I just wish I could feel the same intensity of love for my husband as I do for my cousin. Good luck when you visit your hb. I wish you happiness

blueeyes77 · 08-10-2007, 10:51 PM

Thanks sparrowsong for your reply. I'm so relieved to hear others feel similar. I was really starting to think I was a freak of nature! I wish my hb and I could put some boundaries in place like no body contact etc, but since our trips overseas each way are going to be very few and far between I really can't see how I can not cuddle him while sitting or hold hands etc when we are together. Right now the thought of being able to do that in a few months is what I am focussing on to get me through each day. Gee I miss him sooooo much.

I'm glad to hear that you and your husband are working things out. I totally understand that wish to feel the same intensity for your husband. I too wish I could feel like this towards mine. I never in a million years would have thought anyone could come between my marriage - how wrong I was. But I guess I don't need to explain that extraordinary connection and how powerful it is. It seems everyone here understands it completely.

Best wishes for September and thanks again for replying.

sparrowsong · 08-14-2007, 05:50 AM

tallked with my cousin last night and decided that he would come out in the fall here instead of me going out there. He asked if he should plan to stay with my mother, so we don't have any late night temptations ( my husband doesn'tlive with me). it made me sad, but i agreed that it would be better. my husband is really jealous of our bond, i don't blame him.

Be really careful. If you want to stay in your marriage, don't put too much temptation in your way. If I feel this guilty just wanting to make love to my cousin, I can't imagine the guilt if I actually did. I know it would be amazing, but i don't think it would be worth the self torture that guilt would cause. If my marriage doesn't survive, then I will need to think more about the family thing, but until then, as long as im married, I'm keeping my vow.

I don't mean to sound all preachy. I know right is right for me, but not what is right for you.

C0307 · 08-14-2007, 09:36 AM

blueyes-

does your h/b know about GSA too? one thing everybody consistently seems to say, in hindsight, is that having had awareness of GSA before anything happened would have been SO helpful. and that it is probably better to avoid being alone at the beggining, because the temptation is so overwhelming, it can almost become unavoidable... unless you both proactively decide that you DO want to let something happen between you.

these feelings are so difficult to control... you need to be aware that whatever actions you take at the end of the year may change your life dramatically forever- and that of many others.

so allow yourself this time to learn and prepare for that reunion. and ideally, PROACTIVELY decide what you want to do, understanding the potential consequences either way....if you decide you don't want to get romantically inolved, then help yourself (and him) stick to it... e.g. don't go alone. If you do want to allow the option, then just think about what the consequences may be and how you will both deal with them.

best of luck, we all here know how hard this is! GSA appears in people's lives without warning or choice, and no matter what the outcomes are, it is a VERY challenging situation to deal with....

sparrowsong- GSA or not, your attitude is admirable (sadly... i don't think many people nowadays take their marriage vows so sacredly). if i marry again, i hope to find somebody as committed to them as you!!! and i do realise that GSA is probably a stronger test than any other. so double brownie points for you!!!!

blueeyes77 · 08-14-2007, 05:34 PM

sparrowsong - Thank you for your honesty. It wasn't preachy at all and you are completely correct. I too take my marriage vows seriously and I do know that I would destroy my world if I did anything ever to cross that boundary. I really don't understand why my husband wants me to do this alone, but he's still sticking with that! Quite possibly the money, since my hb is 10,000 miles away....not really viable for all of us to fly over there.

I'm really glad this site is available because I do have time to prepare myself in the next few months by talking to others about this. It helps immensely to know others are in similar situations. I really want to get this under control so that there isn't any risk at all while I'm there.

I'm sorry you are sad about your cousin staying with your mother but I agree that is the best option, especially since your husband doesn't live with you. You still will get time together, even if it's with other people around, so try to see the positive in that. Best wishes.

CO307 - Thank you for replying. Yes, my hb does know about GSA. He actually mentioned it on the very first phone call (without even seeing each other) and said that we all should get counselling before he arrives incase there are any attractions - which can be common in post adoption reunions. Of course, me being nieve, didn't think I needed any sort of counselling! He is seeing a counsellor though and I suspect a big part of his discussions with her are about us. When I first wanted to book a flight over there, he said "no" on the advice of his counsellor. A few weeks later he revoked that decision and said he misses me too much, thinks about me constantly....and as long as my marriage is strong, he wants me to go over. He even spoke to my husband about this and wanted to make sure he was completely okay with me going there alone.

It seems even though my hb does all the right things in respect to keeping GSA under control, there is still that underlying tension between us and LOTS of sexual inuendo, mostly coming from him! I do think I am the one who is constantly pulling us back to reality and reminding him that I'm married and he is my brother. I really don't want to destroy my marriage, nor our sibling relationship, so I am really desperate to get as much advice as possible before I go there. I've told him that we need to speak in person about certain things (too hard on skype or the phone) and I think he knows exactly what I'm talking about. Although, I really don't know what I'm going to say (anyone have any advice on how to approach this topic without destroying everything between us??), but I do know we have to talk about this somehow. He's also desperately trying to find a partner before I arrive, which is really sad to see him so frantic - but I do understand why he's doing that. Oh this is so hard!!

Thanks again for replying. I wish you all the best also.

chele · 08-24-2007, 03:14 PM

Wow....what a familiar story. I, too, had an emotional affair with my half-brother. It started our innocently enough with phone calls, meeting for coffee, etc all in the name of getting to know one another , but the attraction was there for both of us. Things in my marriage were already strained, so I really enjoyed this relationship. Things escalated....long story short, we ended up having an emotional affair as well teetering on the edge of physical, never made it to sexual. My husband found out just how involved we were and forbade me to see him so that we could work on our marriage. I felt like my right arm had been cut off. We were sooo emotionally and becoming physically connected.

My husband and I have worked hard at our marriage and we are in a great place now. My half brother, believe it or not is in our life. We see him about once a month, but we, the three of us have set major boundaries. With that said, I definitely wouldn't travel alone to see him unless you are prepared for what might sweep you away. I know it's hard to see the forest for the trees when you're in the middle of gsa and all of those so intense feelings. I wish you the best!

blueeyes77 · 08-29-2007, 04:58 AM

Thank you Chele for your reply. It feels so comforting to know others have/are experiencing similar situations. Strangely enough, I wish my husband would forbid me to see my hb. As hard as that would be on me, it would relieve the enormous pressure of 'balancing' my husband and hb. But my husband is actually doing the complete opposite with encouraging me to go overseas. Now and again though, he has a complete dummy-spit and doesn't want to hear about when I talk to my hb. And things are strained when he senses I've been talking to him. Unfortunately the flights are booked and paid for in full.....and no chance of my husband coming with me. I am certainly going to be proactive in this after reading so many stories here, and set up definite boundaries before I arrive there. If the rules are set out clear then it will be harder to 'break' them.

This has been the biggest test of my marriage and I desperately hope in time all of this will settle down. Your story gives me hope that we can work this out. Thank you and all the best to you aswell.

knoxtn11 · 08-29-2007, 08:21 AM

Wow it is great to hear people with similiar stories to mine. I had not seen my cousin for years and then we saw each other at a family reunion. I was instantly attacted to her and thought about her lots after we left the reunion. I never acted on it. Then after several years we saw each other again at a 50th wedding anniversary and I was again instantly attracted and with strong sexual feelings for her. We talked and flirted and I thought she may be attracted too but we never brought it up. After the reunion we talked and slowly I brought up what I was thinking and feeling and she actually felt the same way. We flirted and chatted on the phone and teased. She is married with a child and I am single. I want so bad to act on these feelings and she does also but she is the strong one since she is married. HELP. I so want to act on the feelings but not sure what will happen if I do. Thank you all for sharing!

Morena · 08-30-2007, 05:03 PM

Chele,
Do you think your husband would have been so forgiving if you and your hb had been sexually involved? Just wondering because I can't see my husband EVER appreciating me even SAY my hb's name again. And in all honesty, I fear even trying because I love my husband and don't want to rehash his pain.

08-08-2007, 05:39 AM	#1
blueeyes77 Junior Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Posts: 9	Emotional affair with half brother - please help! Hi, I'm new here and so very glad I found this forum! My story is similar to many that I've now read here. I'd like to share my story and ask for any advice. I met my half brother two months ago, after he was adopted out from birth (45 years ago by my dad and his ex-wife). He lives overseas and booked a flight within hours of our first phone call. Our connection/bond was instant. We spoke everyday on the phone and skype leading up to his arrival. When he arrived, we quickly realised that our connection was a million times stronger in person. I am married with 3 children and he is divorced with 2 children - plus (this is where it gets confusing) he is homosexual....although technically I guess he is bi-sexual since he was once married. The family's reaction to the way we connected wasn't good. They did not like our cuddling and holding of hands, but it was something that we both couldn't not do! It was hard being in a room with him and not 'glued at the hip' to him! After his 3 week visit, my world crashed. I felt like my heart was ripped out at the airport. We practically had to be physically separated so he could board the plane. Then it got worse.....my husband wanted to leave me. My dad, my mum, uncle, grandma, friends.....EVERYONE.....wanted to comment about how wrong I was 'to be all over my half brother' and neglect my husband. I didn't feel like I'd neglected my husband, infact I felt like he pulled away before my h/b even arrived here. But I do now realise I was (am) having an emotional affair with my h/b. My husband and I are now fine though and have worked through the roughest patch ever of our marriage. I am very wary of speaking too much about my h/b though and don't admit to how often we talk on skype. 2 weeks ago I booked my flight to go overseas to him at the end of this year, with my husband's support (no support from family though - they are still very mad!). My husband agrees it is something I must do to understand my h/b more, see where he grew up, meet his adopted family and to meet my nieces. I've since done a lot of thinking though and realise I'm possibly playing with fire going over there alone because of our intense feelings for one another. We have recently discussed 'the boundary line' and whether we would cross it. I straight out said "of course we wouldn't because you are homosexual".......his response was "what if I told you that I wasn't?" I really don't believe I am sexually attracted to him, but when the emotional bond is sooooooooooooo unbelievably strong I could potentially see how easily it can esculate into more than just cuddling. Oh I'm so confused! I love my husband and children more than anything in this world.....but I love my h/b immensely too and I just want to be close to him. Any advice on how I should handle things and keep everything in perspective would be greatly appreciated. Blueeyes77

08-10-2007, 09:53 AM	#2
sparrowsong Junior Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Posts: 2	I know how you feel Hi, I'm in a similar situation with my 1st cousin that I met last summer. We talked about it and decided that we need guidlines when we get together. Such as, no hand holding, no kissing on the lips, no sitting with body contact, no back rubs. AQll of which seems so natural to us. It's just too tempting to take "innocent touching" too far when you have that kind of connection with someone. My cousin has visited with me twice since we met up a year ago (lives 2000 miles away) and I have my first trip out to see him coming up in September. After I met my cousin my husband and I separated, partly because it was coming anyway, and partly because I was so overwhelmed with emotion for my cousin I didn't have any left over for my husband. Since then we've worked on our marriage, but I just wish I could feel the same intensity of love for my husband as I do for my cousin. Good luck when you visit your hb. I wish you happiness

08-14-2007, 05:50 AM	#4
sparrowsong Junior Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Posts: 2	long talk tallked with my cousin last night and decided that he would come out in the fall here instead of me going out there. He asked if he should plan to stay with my mother, so we don't have any late night temptations ( my husband doesn'tlive with me). it made me sad, but i agreed that it would be better. my husband is really jealous of our bond, i don't blame him. Be really careful. If you want to stay in your marriage, don't put too much temptation in your way. If I feel this guilty just wanting to make love to my cousin, I can't imagine the guilt if I actually did. I know it would be amazing, but i don't think it would be worth the self torture that guilt would cause. If my marriage doesn't survive, then I will need to think more about the family thing, but until then, as long as im married, I'm keeping my vow. I don't mean to sound all preachy. I know right is right for me, but not what is right for you.

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08-10-2007, 10:51 PM	#3
blueeyes77 Junior Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Posts: 9	Thanks sparrowsong for your reply. I'm so relieved to hear others feel similar. I was really starting to think I was a freak of nature! I wish my hb and I could put some boundaries in place like no body contact etc, but since our trips overseas each way are going to be very few and far between I really can't see how I can not cuddle him while sitting or hold hands etc when we are together. Right now the thought of being able to do that in a few months is what I am focussing on to get me through each day. Gee I miss him sooooo much. I'm glad to hear that you and your husband are working things out. I totally understand that wish to feel the same intensity for your husband. I too wish I could feel like this towards mine. I never in a million years would have thought anyone could come between my marriage - how wrong I was. But I guess I don't need to explain that extraordinary connection and how powerful it is. It seems everyone here understands it completely. Best wishes for September and thanks again for replying.

08-14-2007, 09:36 AM	#5
C0307 Junior Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 5	blueyes- does your h/b know about GSA too? one thing everybody consistently seems to say, in hindsight, is that having had awareness of GSA before anything happened would have been SO helpful. and that it is probably better to avoid being alone at the beggining, because the temptation is so overwhelming, it can almost become unavoidable... unless you both proactively decide that you DO want to let something happen between you. these feelings are so difficult to control... you need to be aware that whatever actions you take at the end of the year may change your life dramatically forever- and that of many others. so allow yourself this time to learn and prepare for that reunion. and ideally, PROACTIVELY decide what you want to do, understanding the potential consequences either way....if you decide you don't want to get romantically inolved, then help yourself (and him) stick to it... e.g. don't go alone. If you do want to allow the option, then just think about what the consequences may be and how you will both deal with them. best of luck, we all here know how hard this is! GSA appears in people's lives without warning or choice, and no matter what the outcomes are, it is a VERY challenging situation to deal with.... sparrowsong- GSA or not, your attitude is admirable (sadly... i don't think many people nowadays take their marriage vows so sacredly). if i marry again, i hope to find somebody as committed to them as you!!! and i do realise that GSA is probably a stronger test than any other. so double brownie points for you!!!!

08-14-2007, 05:34 PM	#6
blueeyes77 Junior Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Posts: 9	sparrowsong - Thank you for your honesty. It wasn't preachy at all and you are completely correct. I too take my marriage vows seriously and I do know that I would destroy my world if I did anything ever to cross that boundary. I really don't understand why my husband wants me to do this alone, but he's still sticking with that! Quite possibly the money, since my hb is 10,000 miles away....not really viable for all of us to fly over there. I'm really glad this site is available because I do have time to prepare myself in the next few months by talking to others about this. It helps immensely to know others are in similar situations. I really want to get this under control so that there isn't any risk at all while I'm there. I'm sorry you are sad about your cousin staying with your mother but I agree that is the best option, especially since your husband doesn't live with you. You still will get time together, even if it's with other people around, so try to see the positive in that. Best wishes. CO307 - Thank you for replying. Yes, my hb does know about GSA. He actually mentioned it on the very first phone call (without even seeing each other) and said that we all should get counselling before he arrives incase there are any attractions - which can be common in post adoption reunions. Of course, me being nieve, didn't think I needed any sort of counselling! He is seeing a counsellor though and I suspect a big part of his discussions with her are about us. When I first wanted to book a flight over there, he said "no" on the advice of his counsellor. A few weeks later he revoked that decision and said he misses me too much, thinks about me constantly....and as long as my marriage is strong, he wants me to go over. He even spoke to my husband about this and wanted to make sure he was completely okay with me going there alone. It seems even though my hb does all the right things in respect to keeping GSA under control, there is still that underlying tension between us and LOTS of sexual inuendo, mostly coming from him! I do think I am the one who is constantly pulling us back to reality and reminding him that I'm married and he is my brother. I really don't want to destroy my marriage, nor our sibling relationship, so I am really desperate to get as much advice as possible before I go there. I've told him that we need to speak in person about certain things (too hard on skype or the phone) and I think he knows exactly what I'm talking about. Although, I really don't know what I'm going to say (anyone have any advice on how to approach this topic without destroying everything between us??), but I do know we have to talk about this somehow. He's also desperately trying to find a partner before I arrive, which is really sad to see him so frantic - but I do understand why he's doing that. Oh this is so hard!! Thanks again for replying. I wish you all the best also.

08-24-2007, 03:14 PM	#7
chele Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2005 Posts: 2	Wow....what a familiar story. I, too, had an emotional affair with my half-brother. It started our innocently enough with phone calls, meeting for coffee, etc all in the name of getting to know one another , but the attraction was there for both of us. Things in my marriage were already strained, so I really enjoyed this relationship. Things escalated....long story short, we ended up having an emotional affair as well teetering on the edge of physical, never made it to sexual. My husband found out just how involved we were and forbade me to see him so that we could work on our marriage. I felt like my right arm had been cut off. We were sooo emotionally and becoming physically connected. My husband and I have worked hard at our marriage and we are in a great place now. My half brother, believe it or not is in our life. We see him about once a month, but we, the three of us have set major boundaries. With that said, I definitely wouldn't travel alone to see him unless you are prepared for what might sweep you away. I know it's hard to see the forest for the trees when you're in the middle of gsa and all of those so intense feelings. I wish you the best!

08-29-2007, 04:58 AM	#8
blueeyes77 Junior Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Posts: 9	Thank you Chele for your reply. It feels so comforting to know others have/are experiencing similar situations. Strangely enough, I wish my husband would forbid me to see my hb. As hard as that would be on me, it would relieve the enormous pressure of 'balancing' my husband and hb. But my husband is actually doing the complete opposite with encouraging me to go overseas. Now and again though, he has a complete dummy-spit and doesn't want to hear about when I talk to my hb. And things are strained when he senses I've been talking to him. Unfortunately the flights are booked and paid for in full.....and no chance of my husband coming with me. I am certainly going to be proactive in this after reading so many stories here, and set up definite boundaries before I arrive there. If the rules are set out clear then it will be harder to 'break' them. This has been the biggest test of my marriage and I desperately hope in time all of this will settle down. Your story gives me hope that we can work this out. Thank you and all the best to you aswell.

08-29-2007, 08:21 AM	#9
knoxtn11 Junior Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Knoxville TN Posts: 5	Wow it is great to hear people with similiar stories to mine. I had not seen my cousin for years and then we saw each other at a family reunion. I was instantly attacted to her and thought about her lots after we left the reunion. I never acted on it. Then after several years we saw each other again at a 50th wedding anniversary and I was again instantly attracted and with strong sexual feelings for her. We talked and flirted and I thought she may be attracted too but we never brought it up. After the reunion we talked and slowly I brought up what I was thinking and feeling and she actually felt the same way. We flirted and chatted on the phone and teased. She is married with a child and I am single. I want so bad to act on these feelings and she does also but she is the strong one since she is married. HELP. I so want to act on the feelings but not sure what will happen if I do. Thank you all for sharing!

08-30-2007, 05:03 PM	#10
Morena Junior Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Posts: 5	Chele, Do you think your husband would have been so forgiving if you and your hb had been sexually involved? Just wondering because I can't see my husband EVER appreciating me even SAY my hb's name again. And in all honesty, I fear even trying because I love my husband and don't want to rehash his pain.