bellas Story Part 2

Bella · 08-26-2007, 11:26 AM

If you are still with me thank you…I went back to see Jakob two years ago he had a stroke and heart attack I was such an idiot….I really thought that he was sorry about our relationship…but at the time he would have said anything…He was alone…sick….I was going to move back to the states I had wanted so much to believe that he wanted to be father daughter. I again packed up my things and went to live in the States again…but only for a week…after a week I realized what another big mistake I had made and quickly returned to Canada. As I have stated…deep down I do not believe that Jakob thinks we did anything wrong…as for me I have not stopped doing Penance for it. I have accepted nothing but the worst for Bella…you deserve nothing good…I always wanted to be a Mummy but three years ago I had a hysterectomy because of an illness and shortly after that hooked up with yet again someone abusive. Nothing good came of that either.

I go through such dark days….all I think about is death how to hurt myself…I have not slept without taking something to help sleep in seven years. I counted the other day that I take 16 pills a day and I still am broken. This past month has been the worst…I have such deep abandonment issues….anyways…I am 40 now…and I hit rock bottom my friends….I cannot take this anymore….whatever I have been doing is certainly not working….I was self medicating….I was taking triple the sedatives because I just didn’t want to think anymore…..and something happened….Out of all these years of pain…self loathing, drug abuse….I had ENOUGH……ENOUGH.

Yes, I am broken…but slowly I am healing myself. I no longer want to live those dark days….Time to stop medicating and deal with all of this anger. One can put it on a shelf for only so long…that shelf is only so high…I know that the next few months will be very difficult…some Doctors ..like medicating…I kept telling my Dr I could sleep he would only add more meds….I found a very nice Dr. who wants to help but I must stop taking all this stuff. The first time in my life that I am trying something different a healthier approach to things. I have started exercising which also helps….

I am sharing my story….because…I don’t want anybody to go through anything what I did. I understand now why I was so blown away..WE are biologically connected…..So please I ask that if you are going through this please please think about the sexual part. Don’t forget that you are both human even though I know at the beginning it feels like you found that missing puzzle piece. Thank you my friends…I have never put this down on paper this has been a good exercise. It is very difficult to write.

Jakob has never asked about Sonya my twin who is his daugther also. I have done much research on the whole Joe and Jakob being different fathers and it is virtually impossible. When I phoned him the first time he did not remember our birthday….He never asks about Sonya sons who is his grandson. I don’t have children but I have been very involved in my nieces and nephews lives…If I had ever been granted that opportunity to have a child…..I would have moved mountains to see them. I think about all the years of abuse poverty that I endured and Jakob just kept living his life. His excuse was that he never wanted to butt in…Of course when I first met him I completely understood…He was doing it for our well being….Bullshit. What kind of man would let me work like a dog without being paid…of course I understood back then…we were doing it for the business…well you know what…I am now 40 and have nothing…nothing. That doesn’t mean it will be a forever thing…I have always gone on the premise that I would live a very short life…and it is only in the last few weeks that I am changing it around for myself.

I have not used any meth in many years.

Like I said…read my story over and over before you decide to take that step.

Please pray for me….the next while will be my biggest challenge ever.
Bella

frozen needs! · 10-04-2007, 09:17 PM

Dearest Bella, thank you for writing it all out. I'm sorry you have suffered so much in this life. I am sure you are stronger than most people I know. It is obvious how good you are.

Bella · 11-14-2007, 07:41 PM

I certainly do not feel very strongh this days. I have spiralled back into to that dark cloud. When am I going to be ok? When will I be rid of all my memories.

I am so tired of the struggle and I am not so sure I am going to make it. I am not so sure if I even want to try anymore. I feel like I am far to broken to be fixed.

Someone, please send me an Angel.

Bella

anonymous · 11-14-2007, 11:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bella

I certainly do not feel very strongh this days. I have spiralled back into to that dark cloud. When am I going to be ok? When will I be rid of all my memories.

I am so tired of the struggle and I am not so sure I am going to make it. I am not so sure if I even want to try anymore. I feel like I am far to broken to be fixed.

Someone, please send me an Angel.

Namaste Bella,

I heard a quote recently that went: "you can't turn off the darkness, but you can turn on a light." I was thinking about that quote when I read about the horrible times you've had, and I want you to know that I feel a lot of hope for you.

Sending you some light.

08-26-2007, 11:26 AM	#1
Bella Junior Member Join Date: May 2005 Posts: 18	bellas Story Part 2 If you are still with me thank you…I went back to see Jakob two years ago he had a stroke and heart attack I was such an idiot….I really thought that he was sorry about our relationship…but at the time he would have said anything…He was alone…sick….I was going to move back to the states I had wanted so much to believe that he wanted to be father daughter. I again packed up my things and went to live in the States again…but only for a week…after a week I realized what another big mistake I had made and quickly returned to Canada. As I have stated…deep down I do not believe that Jakob thinks we did anything wrong…as for me I have not stopped doing Penance for it. I have accepted nothing but the worst for Bella…you deserve nothing good…I always wanted to be a Mummy but three years ago I had a hysterectomy because of an illness and shortly after that hooked up with yet again someone abusive. Nothing good came of that either. I go through such dark days….all I think about is death how to hurt myself…I have not slept without taking something to help sleep in seven years. I counted the other day that I take 16 pills a day and I still am broken. This past month has been the worst…I have such deep abandonment issues….anyways…I am 40 now…and I hit rock bottom my friends….I cannot take this anymore….whatever I have been doing is certainly not working….I was self medicating….I was taking triple the sedatives because I just didn’t want to think anymore…..and something happened….Out of all these years of pain…self loathing, drug abuse….I had ENOUGH……ENOUGH. Yes, I am broken…but slowly I am healing myself. I no longer want to live those dark days….Time to stop medicating and deal with all of this anger. One can put it on a shelf for only so long…that shelf is only so high…I know that the next few months will be very difficult…some Doctors ..like medicating…I kept telling my Dr I could sleep he would only add more meds….I found a very nice Dr. who wants to help but I must stop taking all this stuff. The first time in my life that I am trying something different a healthier approach to things. I have started exercising which also helps…. I am sharing my story….because…I don’t want anybody to go through anything what I did. I understand now why I was so blown away..WE are biologically connected…..So please I ask that if you are going through this please please think about the sexual part. Don’t forget that you are both human even though I know at the beginning it feels like you found that missing puzzle piece. Thank you my friends…I have never put this down on paper this has been a good exercise. It is very difficult to write. Jakob has never asked about Sonya my twin who is his daugther also. I have done much research on the whole Joe and Jakob being different fathers and it is virtually impossible. When I phoned him the first time he did not remember our birthday….He never asks about Sonya sons who is his grandson. I don’t have children but I have been very involved in my nieces and nephews lives…If I had ever been granted that opportunity to have a child…..I would have moved mountains to see them. I think about all the years of abuse poverty that I endured and Jakob just kept living his life. His excuse was that he never wanted to butt in…Of course when I first met him I completely understood…He was doing it for our well being….Bullshit. What kind of man would let me work like a dog without being paid…of course I understood back then…we were doing it for the business…well you know what…I am now 40 and have nothing…nothing. That doesn’t mean it will be a forever thing…I have always gone on the premise that I would live a very short life…and it is only in the last few weeks that I am changing it around for myself. I have not used any meth in many years. Like I said…read my story over and over before you decide to take that step. Please pray for me….the next while will be my biggest challenge ever. Bella

11-14-2007, 07:41 PM	#3
Bella Junior Member Join Date: May 2005 Posts: 18	Thank You I certainly do not feel very strongh this days. I have spiralled back into to that dark cloud. When am I going to be ok? When will I be rid of all my memories. I am so tired of the struggle and I am not so sure I am going to make it. I am not so sure if I even want to try anymore. I feel like I am far to broken to be fixed. Someone, please send me an Angel. Bella

Thread Tools	Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Email this Page	Search this Thread: Advanced Search

10-04-2007, 09:17 PM	#2
frozen needs! Junior Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Posts: 5	Dearest Bella, thank you for writing it all out. I'm sorry you have suffered so much in this life. I am sure you are stronger than most people I know. It is obvious how good you are.